Dating & Relationship Tips From Becky

Sex is like good conversation

2008-11-28T07:14:00.000-08:00

It’s not what you say, but how you say it. And who among us couldn’t benefit from a few elocution lessons?

The earlier sizzle, when men were so eager to show off their sexual prowess, was long past. Women are taught to let men take the lead, which is fine. But as we all know, men, and their penises, have limited attention spans and need constant entertainment. Sure, men have sporadic flashes of genius. But for the most part, sex could be reduced to kiss, touch, kiss, touch, kiss, pounce …

“That was great for me, was it great for you?” The familiarity of lying side by side with a couple of smooches and caresses is fine, but a little variation to perk up Mr. Stiffy is always a welcome change.

Everybody knows the basics.

Taking up these techniques while you’re dating will surely lead to a quick proposal of marriage. Introducing our tips if you’re married or in a long-term relationship will, undoubtedly, lead your partner to suspect you’ve been getting special coaching on the side. Tell him you have. Tell him whatever you want. But think of this book as your personal trainer, at a fraction of the cost.

“Can I see your tan lines?”

We offer this simple line because a question as this can get the ball rolling. When the opportunity to have sex presents itself, men don’t need cryptic, convoluted messages or fancy engraved invitations. On the other hand, they don’t want to be trampled like they’re in a subway at rush hour. So not so subtle is the key.

Let’s face it. Most women just don’t seem comfortable taking the suggestion of Marabella Morgan and greeting their partners at the door wrapped in plastic. Besides feeling like an idiot, you might end up looking like the last bologna sandwich left on the counter of 7-Eleven that no one wants to buy. Too subtle, like cooking a gourmet dinner at home, will only make him feel full and much too guilty about wanting to jump your bones after you’ve worked so hard. The way to a man’s heart might be through his stomach, but in this case you’re shooting for parts a bit lower.

Besides the tan-line, other tried and true lines you might use are:

To your banker boyfriend: “Wow, you’re been working out. Make a muscle.”
To your hippie English professor: “Do you really have a peace sign tattooed on your thigh?”
To your buttoned-down accountant: “Wait a second … let me get that thread off your pants.”
To your doctor: “Would you mind taking a look at this bite for a second?”
To your new friend at the bar: “I have to go. Will you walk me home/can you drop me off?”
To the delivery guy: “Just a minute, my handbag’s in the bedroom”

The variations are endless. Most men are bright enough to take the cue. All you have to do is come up with a line that works for you … this book teaches you all about it.

Just grab it

We’ve had numerous conversations about when you’ve gotten the guy into striking distance but are unsure about what to do next. Sure, you can look up into his eyes with a sexy come-hither glance. You can throw your arms around his neck and deliver a deep, wet kiss. Or you can slowly and seductively massage the knots out of his neck or back. These might work, but in the end, there is only one method that is absolutely fail-safe:

Take a deep breathe, emit slow, audible exhale, look into his eyes and just grab it.

You’re probably saying to yourself that he’ll think you’re a slut. Rest assured that any bad thoughts will be quickly dispelled by the novelty of your taking the lead and by your awesome performance. This WILL make him happy. A little ladylike initiative can go a long way. “Just Grab It” is more than a piece of advice.

Bedroom - Preparing The Love Nest

2008-11-27T14:48:00.000-08:00

You look and feel spectacular, so the next step is to prepare a riveting meeting space. You may think that he doesn't care about setting as long as he's getting you, but that's not completely true (Do you remember Ross from FRIENDS with the gorgeous woman in her rat-infested apartment?) The magic, excitement and thrill will start to seep away as soon as something becomes uncomfortable or falls apart.

So, again, you must take control. Design a space that will be yours (and his if you wish) to command and shine in. It is important that in your preparation, you have considered the importance of some of the 'tools of the trade.' With these tools, the tricks to passion will be at your fingertips, and it will appear that you exude this knowledge and confidence effortlessly.

Bed Basics

The most important tool in your repertoire is your bed. You should consider the bed's size, height, style and position in the room.

If you can afford it and have room for it, buy at least a queen-size mattress. Ideally, the bed frame should have no headboard or footboard to bang against. Height is also important as this can partially determine the ease of some of the intercourse options that may later be open to you. A high bed is not only dramatic, but also allows for a variety of exciting positions. Avoid futons and any mattress-on-the-floor options, as they can be torture on the knees. While some people love the idea of rocking the waves on a waterbed, be aware that waterbeds have rigid frames that can cause bruising and skin irritations.

Carefully consider your bed's position. If you've got the space, put the bed on a low platform in the center of your room. The bed will be elevated to a great height and accessible from any angle. If space dictates that you must have one side against a wall, make it your head-side! Nobody wants to be restrained from letting loose because they are afraid of hitting their funny - bone on the plaster wall.

Bedside Basics

If you plan to move your relationship past the kissing stage and into the bedroom, you should consider stocking your bedside table with a few 'basics' to simplify and intensify the passionate experience. Most of these items should be kept discreetly inside a drawer or flip-top open box and guilefully taken out if the appropriate time arises. The first critical bedside basic is, of course, are condoms. Next in line are lubricants. It is fine and even recommended to keep a pump bottle of lotion on top of the table but any specific lubricants such as KY jelly should be kept out of immediate sight. Also suggested for inclusion is a terry cloth washcloth (not tissues) for cleaning up the skin after any sticky act. After you read the following section, you may also decide to add a few adult toys to your bedside collection!

A note on setting the 'atmosphere' - if you plan on using candles to set the romantic mood be sure to keep them in glass holders out of hitting/kicking distance from the bed. The panic of a fire will not set either of your hearts racing for the right reasons! An alternative is to place your light switches (with dimming options) at accessible distances from your bed.

THE JOYS OF TOYS - Sex toys

Even as women step into top-level management positions, take charge of their relationships with friends and lovers, and acquire more power in society as a whole, many are still unsure how to approach sex toys. Part of the stigma may be that they fear that they will have to go into seedy shops to check out the merchandise, while others worry that if they, their partners, and their sex lives were good enough, they wouldn't need these toys. Both of these concerns are unfounded.

Sex toys are called toys for a reason - they are fun. They can bring a person pleasure on his or her own, or enhance the strongest and most passionate intimate relationship. There does not have to be any embarrassment in the process of purchasing - if you don't want to go to a store, you can easily order by mail or over the Internet (and it'll be delivered to you in an unmarked envelope/box.)

Vibration Sensation

Perhaps the most versatile and popular of all sex toys is the vibrator. If you are looking to buy one, consider spending a little more money for more options. The plug-in variety generally has multiple speeds, which allows different plans for different demands.

Vibrators can be used on you, on him, or on both of you at the same time. If he likes to be in control (and you don't mind letting go,) give him the wand and let him make a little magic for you. You'll find that this does him good also, as he'll get off on your pleasure-induced moans.

If the tables turn, and you are giving him some manual or oral stimulation, you can enhance his pleasure by placing the vibrator on his backside. To put the vibrator to use during intercourse, it can be placed on your clitoris when the man is inside you, or it can be placed underneath you if you are lying on your stomach. In both of these positions, the vibrations will stimulate wild new sensations in both of you. The possibilities are many, and remember it's a toy, so feel free to play!

Feet massage - massaging is relaxing you for sex

2008-11-27T14:44:00.000-08:00

Women all love to have their feet massaged, Its incredibly relaxing. It will be nice if he does this for you. Swap around so that one of the girls doesn’t get to do all the doing and not get “done” herself. Take turns in giving each others feet a good soft oily massage. Rub each others backs and shoulders, Proceed into oral sex from there and then when you are all very comfortable and relaxed and on top of the bed (sheets can be an irksome nuisance if there are the under them, dispense with them!) onto the gobbling fishes until you all climax.

NEVER TWO MEN AND ONE WOMAN - WHY?

This combination should be avoided at all costs. Its not good for us women, and not really good for him either. Everything reacts. I will tell you a gruesome story about this that will really put you off ever doing it with two or more men at the same time ever again, and that is good thing too.

I once, many years ago now, was asked to counsel a young lady who was in the habit of going with two or more men at the same time. She was a lovely girl. Recently divorced at the time and thought she would try to get her self esteem back by being the play thing of some boyfriends of hers who thought that she was good sport for letting herself be “gang banged” by these young men. The men were ignorant and didn’t know any better. The girl was ignorant too and she didn’t know any better either. But she was the one who paid for the ignorance. It wasn’t well advised. Not from a fun and games point of view. They all had fun and she was at all timers a willing participant. After all she would make the choice of her own volition to go round to her boy friend’s apartment, and he would arrange for two or three of his friends to be there and they would all fuck her, and they would all cum inside her. To cut a very long story short, she experienced serious inner vaginal dysfunctions that are a mystery top the medical profession.

What happened was that the semen of all these men is alive, and inside one woman, they are all fighting each other to inseminate her ovaries, whether they know they can or not. The different semen from each of the men fight each other while they are inside your. Even if it’s the semen of just two men, and even if those men are all pals. The semen doesn’t care. Once inside a woman’s vagina, the semen fight. This fighting of the semen creates an energy imbalance in her vagina, in her body and in her mind, it so happens. These are medical facts. Any woman who cares to use herself as a guinea pig for medical science will soon find out to her cost that this is what will happen.

In the end the poor girl had to have an operation resulting in a good portion of her rectum having to be surgically removed. Sorry to be so gruesome, but it’s a lesson. Now you know, you can save yourself the consequences and I would advise you to make sure that this is firmly understood by all your friends too. Many of these rectum, anal, and vaginal operations can be avoided if only women were aware that this is why they contract these terrible vaginal and rectal and womb conditions.

Sexual confidence and prowess

2008-11-27T14:42:00.000-08:00

Certainly it makes for a very mature approach to sexuality and will indeed produce a great deal of sensual pleasure for all concerned. It will take his understanding of sexuality and himself to new-found heights. Women have a great deal of sexual gravity and not all men will have the necessary confidence and sexual prowess to be able to hand two women at the same time. Some will, and may be coming more from macho pride. But that feeling will pass with maturity. It has nothing to do with “fucking two birds” at the same time. It has to do with the art of love making, and practicing the reemerging sensual arts.

It maybe down to us women really to get this started properly. Men who find themselves in bed with two women are far less likely to feel that they are engaged in a fine art of love making, and much more inclined to think they are involved in a multiple shagging, one then the other experience.

It may in that case be a good idea to discuss it before hand, if this can be done in a mature way and without deadening the excitement of lovemaking. A little uncertainty makes for greater excitement. But a little preparation might go along way to “tuning him in” to what you have planned. He will need to be sexually potent and not tired, as this takes some energy and self-control on his part. Even go so far as to draw little stick diagrams for him, if you don’t have a handy tantric manual and show him the posture.

He may be a tantric expert in which case you are in luck. Don’t count on it. Call the posture the Gobbling Fishes so that you all know what you are talking about if there is a next time, and there should be.

Remember, that when it comes to the ancient arts of love making, we are all beginners. But as long as there is willingness to experiment, and a fair attitude towards each other’s process of sexuality, then how can you lose? You cannot.

Dealing with the emotions is another matter. In the ancient arts of Tantra, two women and one man can lead to a quarrel between the two women if it becomes evident that the man is taking more to one and not the other. This is the danger of repeating the experiment with the same “team”. That preference is going to be natural. The man will most likely start to gravitate towards one woman and slightly less one. He will tend to show that preference by the he chooses to cum inside. He may be a real stud and shoot his load into both of you.

The ideal number of women to share one man in a lovemaking act is, shockingly enough four women, and not two. Certainly the gobbling fishes can only be performed with one man and two women. But there may be four women present. That poor man will have to have a lot of sexual stamina.

The Shape Of Your Body, Your Face

2008-11-27T14:33:00.000-08:00

Thin. Fat and Big Bummed. Hourglass body shape. Busty. Well proportioned. Long necked. Short waist. Long waist. Flat abdomen. Paunchy abdomen. Long legged. Short legged. Stumpy. Tall. Small. Medium build.

YOUR FACE
The truth is a man will want to have sex with most women if they are his type. His type is a pretty broad spectrum. Like he said, he is wired that way. He can be turned on by the idea of shagging six women in close succession. It's male prowess. Natural. He is genetically wired to have those desires. The rest is managing the sexual politics. But the grass root rules don’t change in the politics of attraction. You may have overheard men say in bars, I have to love her face to fuck her.

Now a woman will want him to say, it’s all in the personality. Not true. It’s a myth. Personality is not the first thing a man will go after. Sure, a woman may have a beautiful body and a beautiful face and if her personality is awful, she might not score with a man sensitive to personality. Good looks aren’t everything. But how you look is important. There are five thousand women's monthly magazines proving that point every month of the year. Half of all the books and magazines in print are sold on that one fact. Looks.

THE VOICE of A WOMAN
Listen to your voice. A voice can be modulated and trained and you can do it yourself. A man can be turned on by a voice and turned off by a face. Look at the billions made out of sex lines. The Voice of a Woman.

THE WAY YOU DRESS.
Some say a woman dress to outsmart other women. Maybe true in a few nutcases. But really, women dress for men.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS
Make them perfect, ladies. This is much more important than you may have ever thought. Pay close attention because getting this wrong on a first sexual encounter with a man could lead to disaster in all your future love making. It is vitally important that you get this right the first time. Why? Because first impressions, especially between men and women in a sexual encounter last a long, long time and it takes a lot of undoing a wrong first impression.

Women are more sensitive than men!

2008-11-27T13:59:00.000-08:00

You may have noticed this about yourself. Women are much more sensitive to vibration. A woman can be turned on more by a vibration she is getting from a man than his physical appearance. We like a well-groomed man. We like a handsome man. We like a well turned out, well dressed, well-spoken, clever man. What woman doesn’t. We also like Joe Rough too. Jeans and cowboy hat. We like Mr. Adventurer, the James Bond types. We like the homely bared chap that isn’t going to leave us for another woman. But vibration we feel. One woman friend of mine went to see her lover at work one day and the man sitting next her lover across the room had a vibration so strong and so magnetic for her that she couldn’t help noticing.

She kept looking over at him. He hadn’t noticed her. He was busy vibrating at his own frequency, but that frequency was her wavelength all right. She could not help herself, she gravitated towards him and even touched his elbow to make her presence known to him. He saw her and their eyes locked for a fleeting second. In that second they both knew that if they could arrange to meet somewhere alone, that was going to end up in the bedroom, and fast. Maybe it wouldn’t last, but there were sparks all over the place. She was hot for him and once he became Aware of her he fancied her too. This is not to say that a woman fancies a man with her eyes and he is going to fancy her right back.

FEAR OF REJECTION

This is a big one for both men and women. Women fear it more, but I will tell you a secret: men fear it just as much. Fear of rejection can keep you alone indefinitely.

Another close friend of mine had that problem. She was duly over this man for years and she was scheming all sorts of ways to get him alone in her house. He was dashing, good looking, a heartthrob. If he were a Hollywood film star he would have been a sex icon. But she couldn’t see that. She just saw it as her own wish. She was to him however ugly and fat and revolting. That is an extreme example. But it’s a point worth making, in case you think that liking or being able to tune into a man’s vibration is all you need to conclude that he is going to fancy you too. Not necessarily.

That is the risk factor, the factor of rejection. No one can take rejection really. No one takes rejection well, and because of that both sexes are reluctant to chance their arm on sexual and emotional encounters that may mean rejection. It can and is always quite hurtful and painful. That is one reason why men sometimes go with whores for sexual release. They can pay for sexual release without fear of rejection. The same goes for women and male prostitutes. It’s a way around rejection.

Fear of rejection - how to cope with it ...

You can’t live your whole life in fear of rejection. You have to jump over the wall sometime, and you may as well recognize that fact, unless you want to be alone. If you really are frightened and cannot jump over the wall and meet people and start to enjoy normal sexual relations with a man, then you must seek and find appropriate help. There are many organizations that are designed to help women overcome fears of rejection.

They can be found in every community, on the Net, in the yellow pages and in Local Newspapers. You have to join these encounter Groups and get out there and make an effort to combat those stifling social traps. Never believe you are the only one who has any fear. There is always another one who has the same problem.

LADIES, PLEASE BE REASSURED THAT THERE REALLY IS NO PROBLEM BIG ENOUGH THAT IT CANNOT FIND SOME SOLUTION.

Fear of rejection is a wicked one because it can keep us alone. And this is something that can be helped.

LOOKING FOR LOVE

Unless we have just got over a ghastly divorce and we are not ready, all of us, whether we want to admit it to ourselves or to each other are looking for love. Even in the most casual sexual flirtation, there is always that little voice whispering at the back of your mind, “could this man be the one for me?” Could he be Mr. Right?

Could he be my husband? Once you have shagged him, that feeling could grow more intense. There is nothing wrong with that. It’s genetically hard wired. We are always after Mr. Right. Mr. Permanent. Mr. Provider. We can’t help it. Its part of the Womanly condition and so it should be. Get comfortable with it. That is a condition that is unlikely to ever change. But men don’t think that whenever they shag a woman. Most women think they think as they do. Looking for Mrs. Right. He might be. But don’t count on it. He is most likely looking for another notch on his belt. He is most likely looking for a shag. Remember what I told you about the ram in a field full of sheep. He will shag the lot until he drops.

If you are the perfect fit, he might want to keep coming back for more. But don’t get all upset and hurt if he is into shagging you and then moving on. There is the risk. Sure, if you shag him half a dozen times you have every right to think there is something going on, a relationship. But it isn’t a good idea to start saving for your bottom drawer or looking meaningfully in Jewelry shop windows at the ring department. You start that too early in the game and even Mr. Right will get the message and may beat a hasty retreat. If he is into you and wants you he will let you know it. If you want him, that is. Here’s a really refreshing little tip for you. There is no such thing as lust. It is all love in his mind. It might be short lived, but it is love all the same. Long-range love is a different matter.

The quality of your sex life might be the determining factor.

Older Man And Younger Woman

2008-11-27T13:58:00.000-08:00

This, believe it or not, works at the energy level. A woman can find love and happiness in an older man. The energy between them in this combination doesn’t harm her or him. Part of the reason why it does not ultimately work the other way round is that women go through a menopause where her hormones change in a very radical way. She can no longer bear children and her whole vibration level starts to change. A man can father children potentially, all his life. A man of 70 or 80 or even older can impregnate any woman of child bearing age, and that age starts when she is pubescent, and has her first period, as early as 12 or 13 in many cases. Most girls start menstruating by the time they are 14 years old, and any man can make her pregnant at practically any age.

This fertility combination is one reason why a man can have a relationship with a younger woman and it can work very successfully. We women tend to put out the propaganda in our own magazines, which we tend to edit and staff with members of our own sex, so naturally very biased and naturally unbalanced, that older men should not be fucking women half their age. But from an energy point of view there is no harm in it. A forty-year-old man can and does fuck women of twenty. A fifty-year-old man can and does fuck women in their early twenties. Many women who go with older men tend to be attracted to the father principle, the sugar daddy idea, the lure of protection, financial security, being looked after.

That is natural because a woman is genetically wired to nurture and a man’s attraction to her may be that he can protect and look after her. So there are social as well as genetic and psychological factors in favor of that dynamic. Whether we women as a gender want to approve of this, it happens, and will continue to happen whether we like it or not. Nature is a stronger force than the prevailing social conditioning, or current fashion in ideas on the subject. It is going to help us women lot to understand these natural forces and work with them rather than try to fight them or oppose them. Ultimately we cannot win against nature herself because wherever we do, the price is usually much higher than anyone can pay. That is something every woman who gets serious about a man should really keep in mind. Its never simple, but that is a very safe assumption to make. It stands to reason. A man’s mother is the strongest force in his life on the female front. If it’s a good solid liberating, understanding, compassionate relationship, he is going to be attracted to women who are like that. Few men, as few women, are really completely well adjusted. That is why there are so many psychiatrists, and so many relationship workshops.

How much do you weigh?

2008-11-27T13:54:00.000-08:00

She was good. I woke up and realized that he was still talking to the same woman. It was a free call, so I wasn’t worried about the bill. I caught his eye on the call and he tried to push me away with his eyes. Nosy mother. I wrote down on a piece of paper one question for him to ask her: the question was nasty and very right. It was this:

How much do you weigh?

I pushed that piece of paper over to him. He read it. Looked at me. Then it occurred to him to ask this question.

He asked her.

Excuse me, mind if I ask you a question before we go any further? How much do you weigh?

The conversation was over in two minutes after having gone hey wire. She was an overweight telephone junky getting high on taking these young men in. It was the only kick she could get because she didn’t have the self-discipline to get her act together and lose weight and get to the real thing. My son never made that mistake never made that mistake again. He had a procedure after that. Age? Weight? Children? Meet tomorrow morning? That conversation lasted five minutes. He had ten appointments in an hour and one of them turned out to be something he was interested in. The same goes for ladies playing on telephone looking for love, dates, or just plain sex. Be candid, honest and meet. Quickly. You are much more likely to find someone that way.

Women Can Understand Women Better than Men Can Understand Women. Call it woman’s intuition if you like. But a woman can tune into another woman’s intentions with incredible speed. Women are cats with each other on the quiet. They get their claws into one man betide any other woman who tries to become a predator on her turf. Women can be very predatorily, and very possessive and very jealous of other women. And they can quite ruthless about it. I knew where that woman was coming from on the phone with my very experienced son, and I knew how to wake him up and burst his bubble faster too, in one stroke. But I was doing the both a favor. If my son had met her he would have realized that that relationship was not going to end up in bed. He did not like fat women. I knew that about him. I knew she was fat. Women’s intuition. Some men like fat women, and there is nothing wrong with being fat if you like being fat. Some men prefer fat women and actively look for fat women.

It is all a matter of taste. But I have never yet counseled a fat woman who was really happy to be fat. Many are jolly as a cover up for being fat. Live in the kitchen, and become fatter. Sex is a lot harder to enjoy if you have a lot of weight to carry around. Usually if fatness isn’t congenital or glandular it can be “cured” by emotional well-being. Women sometimes let go of themselves, especially after a disastrous love affair or a difficult separation. It takes a lot of will power and self-discipline to become a well slim and fit woman again. Women feel emotions in a different way from men.

Get you into bed - he will do everything

2008-11-27T13:52:00.000-08:00

How to get him into bed ...

Think about it. A man will do almost anything to get you into bed if he knows that he has a better than even chance of achieving it. He will work, he will save, he will reschedule all his agendas, and he will fly across the world. He will re organize his life to get you into his bed, or yours. Just don't make it too difficult for him and try to increase your attraction ratio.

HOW TO INCREASE YOUR MAN ATTRACTION RATIO SCENT

THE OLFACTORY ALLURE
The primeval instinct of the mating instinct is in the scent of a woman. Remember that Al Pacino film? The scent is everything. Smell good and he will fuck you senseless and he won't quite know why.

The perfume companies are always looking for the ultimate scent that will absolutely attract any man, or any woman and make the scoring a sure thing. But the real answer is that everyone has a different type of body odor that is natural and alluring. Some men are naturally musky and women love the musky man. Some women are naturally flowery and some men like that. Its different scents. But maybe some smart one will get it down to classifications of about four for a man and four for a woman and then variations on the theme between the four types of scent. But it’s a trial and error thing. But in the sexual game, scent is the most primeval turn on there is. Higher up, its the look in the eyes of love. The eyes are important for that special contact. The shape of the body comes next.

That is why meeting on the telephone and falling in love on the telephone doesn’t work. I have had so many cases of women who sound lovely on the telephone, who have nice coy voices and make all the right responses and men too. But then comes the big crunch. When do we meet? Tomorrow. Then you meet. You both think the other one is ugly. But it only takes one to think the other is that way and that is it. It is over. I know of two clear examples worth recounting.

Meeting on The telephone, OK ..BUT… A BIG BUT…

Golden rule there is meet the next day or as soon as possible. Don’t fall in love with the voice, the personality. The bottom line is meeting. Then you know. For sure. One old lady sounded like a young lady on the phone. He sounded like a young man.

They lied to each other for weeks and weeks, and then they had to meet. They had worked each other up so much that they had to meet. The meeting was short and not very sweet. He was a smelly muggy man and she was fat, ugly and old. Disaster. They didn’t like each other in the flesh. They would have been happier just being telephone friends.

The second example was a young man in his mid twenties. Meeting on the telephone is big in North America. He was not very experienced. He talked all night to this world-class telephone “hooker”. She had been at that game for years and so she knew how to touch all the bases. This was my son. He was on the phone to her until six O’clock in the morning. He had been talking to her for almost nine hours.

I WANT YOU. He wants you to say it.

2008-11-27T13:33:00.000-08:00

Repeat it in the mirror a few hundred times. Engrave it on your handbag. Write it in lipstick on our mirror and rehearse it every day. You see him out on your hunting grounds. You mouth it like a whisper across the room, across the street, in a shop (that is new) to him. I...WANT...YOU...and give your eyes a sparkle. Try it on one of those boring train journeys. At an airport. I..Want..You ... have your email address handy and give it to him…have cards printed with just your mobile number and email address on…you might catch the love of your life if you are prepared. He will look at you in a whole new light. He will be over and start to chat you up. And you are home and dry. He takes you home, or you take him to yours. Never mind the coffee or the tea. Give him a glass of Glucose instead and straight to bed. Put on the music. Get yourself fresh and clean. And get down to business. That is what he wants. Remember his ladies He wants you to say it.

And if he has any balls about him he will say it to you. So what do you do if he smiles at you across the room and says I WANT YOU..or whatever the line is? What do you do? You giggle t your girlfriends and fiddle with our handbag and fidget. Sit still. Look him straight back in the eye and give him a warm come on then smile and actually raise your hand and give him a little wave. Make it look like you are waving him over. If he is afraid to come because of your loud-mouthed jealous friends, then get up and leave the pack and go and stand next to him and move to a corner by yourself and cut the crap. I like you. Do you like me? I want to know you better. Ask his name in bed. That should get you both laughing.

That student I fucked all summer got really quite raunchy with me after I had sucked him off a few time. He went down on me a lot, he even used to spend his pennies on perfume for me so that he would turn on more hotly. He was eating my pussy twice and day, fucking me and I was eating his cum as much as we both wanted. It used to turn me on to get it on with him and then go to the other one and get a different cock in my mouth in the same morning.

The hunter killer in men is the next Promotion for a climax, again simple:

Men love to bring themselves to climax in your vagina then whip it out and finish off in your mouth, so they can watch themselves cum on your face, in your mouth, on your tits, and anywhere else. They love to rub it in afterward. They love it even more if you rub it in too.

Men think you love them if you swallow their cum. Put another way, if you spit it out, they unconsciously register that you don't like them. Liking them and liking their cum are inseparable concepts in the male mind. Remember that. Rejection of their cum, not swallowing it, and not swallowing with absolute relish, is a way of rejecting them too. They may not say anything but that is how it reads out. They may not even be conscious of it, but on some real level, that is how it feels to them. Swallow the cum if you want to fuck this man again soon. If you don't, then spit it out but know the consequences.

Did you miss the shag of your life because he is a poet?

2008-11-27T13:30:00.000-08:00

Some blokes might be fantastic in bed but can't afford the twenty dollars to take you out for a drink. How many girls miss the shag of their lives because they insist on that idiot protocol. He might hate pubs and alcohol. He might not want to take you out at all. Why insist on that? It might be bullshit. He might be a poet. He might just want to fuck you and let us be honest, that is all you want too. You don't necessarily want to go out drinking and hanging around a lot of bar flies. Its a sexual turnoff anyway and get you out of the mood for sex. Better to go for a walk and dance in the street and end up in the sack. Going to restaurants is a time waster too. It’s another of those stupid money-wasting protocols

Save that for later. Restaurants always feel nicer to be in after you have had sex with the man. If you have fucked each other three or four times it might be worth going to a restaurant together, but not as a chat up starter. Its too time wasting and nerve wracking for him. He wants up your skirt and you want that too. Pubs can be really intimidating. Maybe a good place to meet or see each other for the first time, but my advice is get him out of there as fast as you can.

BREAKING DOWN THE BARRIERS TO FIRST ENCOUNTERS

The biggest rule of all is simple:

DON'T PLACE OBSTACLES IN HIS PATH because ... If he has to go through an obstacle course to get you to spread your legs he will go with a whore instead.

He will take the line of least resistance. The world is full of frustrated women for precisely that reason. The can't be bothered to run the stupid obstacle course we lay out for them. They will fly to Cuba and fuck their brains out there with girls who are probably more gorgeous than us. And they pay for their pleasures and get a lot less hassle. They might blow a couple of hundred dollars on us to get us in bed and they soon workout, if they are smart that for the same money they can shag ten women for the same price and have no resistance.

We have competition and we are only cheating ourselves. We want to get shagged as much as any woman on earth and the guys love us for it. Why do we spoil it by making it had for them? Take the opportunity when it presents itself. This playing hard to get business is a joke that is socially rebounding on the women of the West.

If you feel him slipping away from you just come right out with it. I want you. Three words. Not I love you. That is going a bit far. I want you. Simple. Make yourself say it. Save the I-love-you’s for when you mean it.

When NO means YES and FUCK OFF MEANS NO

2008-11-27T13:23:00.000-08:00

The usual banter that passes between men and women is good fun but misunderstandings can arise. How many times have you said NO to a man and really meant yes. Then when he thinks you mean no and leaves you think, what’s wrong? You sent a negative word mixed in with a positive vibration. It’s called a mixed message.

A sort of lie. Who lost? You did. And he did. It is in our nature to give a man the run around just a bit so that we don't come over as a total slut. He needs to hear you say NO a couple of times before you allow yourself to be "persuaded" to let him fuck you. Sometimes the more shy or scared types of men haven't worked out that our No's mean...Yes, later, keep asking me and I will say yes and then you can fuck me.

They think in other words that no is no. When we really are not interested we usually don't say No to a guy, we say, look, fuck off. That is NO, that means no, and he knows it means No, but just a No means yes. My advice is not to use No at all if you really mean yes. Better to look a bit shy and flutter our eye lids and say "what?" instead and get him to repeat it ... and then say "you’re being a bit cheeky with me sailor ... sort of egg on him on ... get him to keep talking on that level ... until he gets the message that you really do want him balling deep. If you push him away he may get timid and think you mean fuck off. There are so many potential lays that are lost because of the misuse of the word No. We are such good liars, ladies, that we forget that they think we are telling the truth. We are an eternal mystery to them. We have to be a little more inviting and little bit more explicit to get the message over to the poor dumb wanker.

If you want him, the safest and surest way to get him without him thinking you are a slut is to say so. You can try the direct approach. (Most men aren’t master of the great metaphor, i.e. don’t take hints.) "Anytime anywhere!" Go ahead, practice saying that in the mirror. "I want to fuck you, you hunk" He would have to be a moron to misinterpret that. But its not paying his intelligence any compliments either. And you say that to an intelligent man, I mean a really intelligent man, and he might think you are crazy. You have to get the feel of a situation. It’s a question of sizing him up on more than one level. If he is awake and alive and sensitive, you won’t have to say much. Eye contact will do the trick and the subtlest little gestures get the message over nicely. If he is not Mr. Super Subtle then: "When are you going t take me home then?" try that with some types.

What is he going to say? Tonight! Tomorrow night. You can always put him off a day or two, just to let him know you are only a slut in bed, but otherwise quite shy. But keep the appointment. Ladies have to wake up to the fact that the only way to fulfill your sexual fantasies is to meet the man half way and if he doesn't get the message then go more than half way. Break a few of the stupid rules of protocol. Experiment a bit. Have a little courage. Just remember, the girl is always holding the cards. She can always say fuck off. But if she wants his cock up her vagina, she had better let him know it in terms that can' be mistaken. Try saying yes if he comes onto you, make the date, keep it. That is honest, it works and is refreshing. Yes, there are intelligent, honest men out there, who wear the hearts on their sleeves, or at least half up their sleeves where you can see where they are coming from. Those types you can be open with.

Don't provoke his machismo, ego, self esteem

2008-11-27T13:04:00.000-08:00

He will think you are really enjoying it and that will make him feel good. If you are not enjoying yourself but making him think you are then you are a fool, and you are cheating both of you. Don’t order him about to do this and that because that will make him think he can’t arouse you. That is a downer, an ego drop, a smack on his fragile machismo, which if he is in his self esteem properly he won’t have much of (don’t expect any man not to have machismo by the way. If you come across a healthy, fit, specimen with no machismo he is probably a god looking for a goddess…could that be you?) He might also think you are a control freak and we can’t have that either. No man wants to be controlled unless he is a weirdo. Yes, there are plenty of those weirdos out there, too. No woman really likes to be controlled. “Loved” yes, but not controlled.

Controlling others as a way of getting off is a sure sign of a distinct lack of self worth. It means in psychological parlance that you don’t think a lot of yourself and even less of him. That is a relationship that will hit the wall sometime. And definitely a no-no as a place to start. So nix on the control, freak tactics. It’s a false start. Instead: Let him explore, let him find you there, he will if he is made welcome to. That part is up to you. He is not going down on you for any other reason than to turn you on. It turns him on too. You can be sure of that. And if you are a tasty dish down there he will want to stay for the second and the third orgasm and believe me, if he stays for seconds and thirds, then when he penetrates you, you are likely to go into the wave after wave orgasm and pass out from sexual satiation like Barabarella. That is the Holy Grail and you just claimed it. If he is that good, then you should lavish your womanly virtues on him in full measure. He deserves it and he has earned it! He is what you would call a very talented conversationalist.

That is to say, he is good at using his tongue to express himself. It should take you about three quarters of an hour. But remember, The Parthenon in Greece wasn’t built in a day, so you might have to work at it and not be discouraged. It is a Process. Rarely do one-night stands reach those heights of empathic felicities, and if they do, you will be shagging each other regularly. But by and large, practice makes perfect. In other words, sexual satisfaction and prowess is a process. Get interested in the Process.

RULE NUMBER FIVE: THE PROCESS OF ORGASM

He is going to cum anyway, whether he wanks himself secretly in the bathroom later, or after he wakes up, or lying beside you. The average man can get to orgasm in anything between thirty seconds to ten minutes. The average woman is more likely to take ten minutes to an hour to get to those dizzy heights, but as I said, the peak you reach in sexual ecstasy is nine times higher than his, and can be nine times nine higher.

Isn’t that a really wonderful fact? It is a heavenly fact. It has been a secret closely guarded for thousands of years. A coveted secret of the Goddesses for Millennia. It is a mythological secret. But it is actually a physiological fact. It’s a big tantric secret and we just let you in on it. It will be natural for you to take a whole lot longer so don’t for heaven’s sake think you have to be in a hurry. If he is on Viagra count yourself lucky because his hard on is guaranteed regardless of whether he thinks he needs it or not. Patience. We are all being let out of the sexual cages. This little booklet is just helping you with the keys. It is a process. Everything is a process. Learn your process. Let me repeat that. Learn YOUR process. I mean each woman has her own process. All women’s processes are similar, but none are identical. So there are no rules for the process other than the fact it is unique to you.

If you want him to go down on you

2008-11-27T13:03:00.000-08:00

By the way: Make sure you don’t smell down there. Cleanliness is next to Godliness. That is a golden rule. And use an ante bacteriological soap if you are having a lot of sex in a short time. Make certain you are hygienic and squeaky clean down there. No man I have ever been to bed with ever liked a smelly pussy. There is said it. The ones who do are just weirdos and maybe he needs that fact pointed out to him. If you want him to go down on you, make the dish when he gets there fragrant and sweet smelling so he wants to stay there and lap at your clitoris all night long. No woman likes to go down on a grungy cock either. If he has lived in the last part of the twentieth century and watches TV he may know that already. Make sure he does something about it. Again, be sensitive about hygiene, even his. It is all a learning experience. If you make him feel less of a man, you have blown it before you start.

MAKE HYGIENE SEXY

No woman can make her hygiene sexy. May as well accept that fact. Him cleaning your vagina as a sexy way to get you clean enough for him to go down on is a non-starter. We all know that. But washing his cock with a soapy flannel of anti bacterial soap in the bath or shower can be a wonderful prelude to a love making session. You may do it anyway, but if you have reservations about his hygiene, that is the way to go. If you have been out dancing, go that way anyway. Cleanliness before sex is very confidence building. I know one man who is spotless about his personal hygiene, and he does it without being over the top and crazy about it. But he goes the whole nine yards. He showers for a long time in a hot shower, uses anti bacterial soap, washes his hair, polishes his helmet and his anus thoroughly, and then cleans his teeth and then uses a strong mouth wash.

When that man gets into bed with me, I am already confident he can do anything to and with me. He has the same confidence in me. Isn’t that nice for us. No seriously, it may seem obvious if you are a middle class American or European, but it isn’t obvious at all. It is something that has been learned. Civilization has taught us the importance of cleanliness over thousands of years, but it is still learning how important this is for sexuality between men and women. Women seem to have to learn it from the beginning. If we are not taught it from our parents, we may be lucky enough to learn it from our girl friends, but it isn’t something you want to learn about from your lover or boyfriend. Too embarrassing. He can take it on the chin and learn it from us. Ok, now everyone’s clean…

SCORING YOUR FIRST ORGASM-CUNNILINGUS STYLE

If you have got him to want the ice cream down in the forest of desire, and got him to like lapping at your clitoris with his tongue then the aim should be to get him to really enjoy it. Think of yourself as the dinner you didn’t cook him and made a meal of yourself. The two eating concepts are so intimately connected you wouldn’t believe it. Instead of eating steak and chips he is eating you with even more relish. The juices that flow out of you onto his tongue and into his mouth also represent an exchange of vital energies. Those vital energies can be really sexually heightening. They are also healing, but that is another story. You want to score your first and even your second orgasm before he penetrates you. If you can gyrate your pelvis gently and respond to him with the natural "ooos" and "aaas" coming out of you or should be coming out of you if you are really enjoying yourself (some men don’t like screamers! So watch the screaming!)

Low self-esteem is destroying your sex-life?

2008-11-27T12:59:00.000-08:00

Self-esteem means feeling good about yourself, for all the right reasons. It doesn’t mean being ego centric, inflated, rich, over the top, or having the jump on a man or on anyone. That is not self esteem, that is, to put it bluntly, a hole waiting for you to fall into. Self-esteem means taking care of yourself and taking care of how others feel as well. We sometimes get the first part right, and not the second part, taking care, or caring about how others feel too. If we get the first part right, that is a good start, but it’s selfish. And self-esteem to really work needs the second, larger part. Caring about how he feels too. Now, here’s the big secret. Why do you think men behave selfishly in bed? Answer, because he doesn’t have enough self-esteem to care about you, too. He doesn’t care about himself enough to love you as much as himself in bed.

He has low self-esteem. What is the cure? The cure is to care about how he feels more as a first step to showing him that he is going to get a lot more out of this sexual encounter if he cares about you more. Result, his self-esteem goes up. But this is not self-help for one-night-standers. These are long haul relationships we are talking about. So if you are in it for the long haul, then you need to get your self-esteem working. And his. It’s a spiritual thing.

RULE NUMBER FOUR: EDUCATING HIM INTO WHAT YOU NEED IN BED

One of the biggest mistakes we make in bed with a man is that we think just because he has got a cock and we have a vagina and the natural forces of sexual attraction know that him inserting his cock into our vagina is natural and doesn’t really need any education is something that has to change. Animals do it. Ask yourself: a dog can do it. A horse can do it.

Instinct drives them to do it. But do animals enjoy sex? Maybe, we will never know. But even if they do, it isn’t the arty form it is for humans. My bet is that men and women enjoy it far more than any animal. For animals it’s an instinctual drive to procreate the species. For humans it is that too, and a lot more. It is a way of relating on much more subtle levels. What we do know is that in the animal kingdom a man has a disproportionately large cock and the helmet end of it is so sensitive that it is designed for pleasure. So apart from the instinctual drive to procreate the species as his motivation force behind wanting to shag us is the PLEASURE PRINCIPLE. The desire born of the need to satiate his sexual desire upon us, to get that helmet at the end of his fiery shaft stimulated to the point of orgasm inside a woman’s vagina. Then there is that little organ called the clitoris, which we have. It takes much more stimulation than his helmet to set it on fire but if he knew that the intensity of our orgasm was nine times stronger than his, he would want to be a woman.

All women, if they are honest with themselves accept that an orgasm experienced with a man’s cock up you is a lot more wonderful than with, say a vibrator up you. Germaine Greer, the thinking woman’s woman, even had to admit that is true. Also, recent medical evidence shows that the small little pleasure membrane we call the clitoris is not as small as we have been led to think. It stretches back inside our vaginas a long, long way into our bodies and is much longer than any man’s penis. Incredible but true. It was the last great discovery of the twentieth century as a matter of fact! But because it’s on the inside and under the skin it has taken “modern” medical science three hundred years to discover the size of a woman’s clitoris. Now why? Because the clitoris is designed for pure unadulterated pleasure.

Take Responsibility for your Sex Life

2008-11-27T12:57:00.000-08:00

If your lover needs Viagra, never make him feel ashamed of that fact. But if he is a smoker and a drinker, then help him get off those nasty habits and he will be an even better lover. We are promoting sensitivity, health and sexual awareness between men and women as the path to better lovemaking. If viagra is a needed bridge, then it’s a blessing. Treat it as such. It can bring sex alive again for people who were damned to impotence. That is happiness for millions of people to whom it had been denied. A win - win scenario for men and women both!

RULE NUMBER THREE:
Take Responsibility for your Sex Life - get sexual satisfaction!

Be Conscious and Willing. The standard get out after a one-night stand is to say that you don't remember anything. He might need that excuse and so might you. But the truth is we all remember everything really. I have to labor this point because if you get this right, you are going to be rewarded in bed night after night for a very long time to come. And that is the name of the game. Sexual satisfaction. Let’s put satisfaction in big letters. SATISFACTION. It is a big word. Think about it. How satisfied have you been? Answer truthfully. Sometimes? Maybe never? Imagine being a woman who can honestly say she is truly brimming with sexual satisfaction, SATISFACTION? The woman who can say that and mean it is probably happy. It is a fact of life that a loved woman looks more radiant. A woman getting “loved” (having a lot of sex) tends to look happier with herself.

So is her partner and probably well on the road to success in other departments of life too. All these tips are designed to liberate you so that you can get SATISFACTION. But not at his expense. That doesn’t work. It must be with him. A truly two-way thing, a cooperative effort. The flashy word for this sexual mutualism is dyadic. Dyadic just means TWO PEOPLE. A relationship. We may as well accept that at the outset and take responsibility for the sex we want because if we do, we are much more likely to get what we want out of the encounter. If he doesn't know that, you definitely should. He might thank you for that later, and he may come back for second helpings again and again. If he doesn’t know, teach it to him, but not with words, but by example, gesture, suggestion. The bludgeon of dissatisfied feminism hasn’t made men or women better lovers or more tolerant. Intelligence is needed. If it doesn’t work, change it. Change the approach. Criticism, nastiness, they all serve to alienate men and women from each other. Sensitivity, kindness, tolerance work much better and everybody will win in bed and beyond. Intelligent.

SELF ESTEEM - Where’s Your’s?

The roots of sexual repression are a loss of self-esteem. Self Esteem can be lost through loss of Satisfaction or not getting what you want out of life, in bed and out of it. You can start by getting what you want in bed and the rest will follow. The only way to get your self-esteem back in bed is to get it back. Take responsibility for your sexual life and mean to have a good time- together. Unless he is really insensitive, he will sense that you care about it and it might make him care about how you feel too. Think of it this way, if you don't care about him in a very conscious deliberate way, he is more likely to use you as a machine for masturbating than not. We all know what that feels like. Those of us who don't are either not paying proper attention, or we are just plain lucky.

Sex and getting Drunk

2008-11-27T12:49:00.000-08:00

The same goes for him. That is why Martini is a richer company than Rolls Royce Motor Cars. But there is a down side for him. If you get him too drunk, he won't be able to perform in bed. Drooping dick is the most common side effect of drunkenness. For a woman it can cause post sex shame, and depression. It’s also the biggest killer of relationships in the history of Holy Wedlock and the biggest killer of road users too. That’s three great reasons to control the alcohol. And I mean great reasons, not little excuses. Don’t be a fool to yourself.

It isn't a good idea to get too drunk for a woman either, though it might allow you to do things you wouldn't normally do. But you know as all women do that you may think you have maximum deniability afterwards, you always remember everything and you have to pretend you don’t. That kind of secrecy causes problems of a psychological nature as you have to start feeling ashamed of the fact that you enjoyed him going down on you, or wanking himself all over your tits, or rubbing his cum all over your body ... all under the pretense that you don’t remember him being so dirty.

The answer is, don’t get drunk, don’t let him get drunk, and then do it anyway, remember it and enjoy remembering it. He wants to do these things to you and he may be shy, so ask him. And if he is too scared to say yes and do it, then you can help him. He might call you a dirty little bitch to his friends but he will be back for more. Count on it. You win and so does he. Truth is a win-win scenario in bed. Be accountable in bed and you open the floodgates to the world of sexual experimentation and gratification. Then you can get your name off the list of women who have never cum in bed with a man. And if you are not on that list now, then multiple orgasms with a man should be the next thing on your list of sexual accomplishments with your chosen partner. And if you have accomplished that, then anything I may say here is just grist to the mill; so enjoy!!! Alcohol, the wine, beer, cocktails, shorts, all good fun - in small doses. If you are getting out of your head every night, and getting pissed every time to get laid then you need a counselor.

I mean that with all sincerity and seriousness. If its like that for you, then get help and quickly. The only person you are hurting is you in the end, and you want to sort it out before you hurt anyone else. Believe it or not the same goes for abusing coffee. Like alcohol it can awaken the moody, aggressive, short-tempered side of any one, men and women. We are all coffee drunk in our offices ands it makes us bitchy. The trouble with coffee, good coffee is that it smells divine. I just wish smelling the coffee was enough. Tea however if you are a hot drink caffeine junky (like me) is safer. And herbal tea makes you a saint. If you are already an herbal tea lady, good for you. Your blood is going to be a lot less toxic, you are going to smell a lot nicer, most of your health problems are going to evaporate faster than you think, and your breath will never smell. It will also make your vaginal juices less acidic, and therefore your lover’s cock less likely to get sore on marathon sessions in bed. That is worth remembering.

There is wisdom in the old goat yet. And while we are having a rat about bad habits, we may as well let you in on the down side of smoking for a man (and for a woman). But for a man, apart from making him less of an athlete in bed as he would be if he didn’t smoke, apart from making him less smelly under the arms (I bet you didn’t know that smoking effects under arm body odor did you?), and party from making him virtually unkissable, it also increases his chances of losing an erection, especially if he is over 40. Erectile dysfunction, or drooping penis is a by-product of cigarette and cigar smoking. It is not a woman’s problem, but every woman should know that it is a man’s problem. Sure, some men are more highly sexed than others and smoking just doesn’t affect them in bed. But no man is free of the side effects completely. Fortunately for men, the wonder drug from Pfizer, called Viagra, has practically solved erectile dysfunction in men, and that is going to be good for all women. What we women want is a drug that will make orgasms easier to reach. A Viagra for women.

Relationship? Married?

2008-11-27T12:46:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter if you are already in a long-term relationship, married, or just looking. Sex is sex, and he will be interested if you are. Most males go for the packaging first, and then they get into the deeper side of our natures. But if he doesn't like the packaging, he may not even want to unwrap the gift inside. But before we get him in the sack let's look at some chat up lines. We know them all. The Nob Head who asks you the question "You know what will look good on you? Answer "Me". Deserves to spend the night masturbating. Same with the "haven't I met you somewhere before?" routine. These guys probably have beer bellies. They are all wankers and probably have a hard time bedding the best of us. If he is a piss head he won’t be performing in bed and if he does manage to cum, he will roll over, belch a filthy beer smelling belch and snore all night, and you will be lying there with a wet vagina wondering where the hell you put your vibrator and if its got batteries for all he cares.

Not all men are good talkers, and the best talkers aren’t necessarily the best in bed. What you want to know is if he has any sensitivity. It doesn’t so much matter if he is cheeky, smart, a good talker, witty, a joke teller and a good laugh. He can be all those things and be lousy as a lover. He can be useless at all those things and be great as a lover. So more fool you if you are being taken in by just the chat up lines. Look at the eyes if you want to know the truth. Is he insensitive? Is he sensitive? Is he asking you questions? Yes. They all do. They know we like him to ask us questions. But is he listening to the answers we are giving him. There is the catch. If he is a salesman he is using the answers to steer us his way. Salesmen are good persuaders, but they are users. They actually don’t care. Can you spot the salesman? Ask him what he does. He is probably a salesman and proud of it. He might be a computer nerd. He might be an engineer, a painter and decorator. What he does will tell you a lot about him, but not much about what kind of lover he is or what kind of man. In other words, look where he is coming from, not at what he does or what he says. If his body is out of shape, then you know he has emotional baggage.

His body is a reflection of what he really thinks about himself. It tells you about his self-discipline, and if he has any or not. This is not so you can criticize or be turned off, but so that you can know. Knowing is better than not knowing. Being interested is better than being bored. The difference is quality. And remember, it’s not a one-way street. If he is smart, he is checking you out too. He is looking at you, seeing if you care about yourself enough to care of your physical appearance. He will see the shape of your body, the clarity of your skin, your hands, nails, and teeth. It all makes an impression. Who you are isn’t so hard to see. How you dress is important, and he will notice that, but if he has an ounce of sense and observance about him he will be imagining what you are like with your clothes off as well as on.

Bottom line. The better in-shape you are, the more men are going to want you in bed. Personality can be sexy, but if you are out of shape, chances are your personality won’t cover it. Tough call, but there it is. And the same goes for him. If he is rich he has the edge on being ugly, fat, over weight, and smelly to boot. If he’s rich. But even then ... Let’s move on to drinking:

RULE NUMBER TWO:

Don't Let Him Get Too DRUNK! Or even drunk at all if you can prevent it.

OK. We are not knocking beer and alcohol, (oh yes we are!) but we may as well get something straight. Most men drink and most women drink to get out of their heads, to loosen the grip of obscure emotions, to let the tongue of truth wag more freely and most of all to let your getting into the sack inhibitions drop, so that you don't resist quite as much as you would if you weren't scared and half drunk.

The trim and fit guy - a young hunk

2008-11-27T12:44:00.000-08:00

I remember meeting one young hunk on holiday. He was trim and fit and, frankly I wanted him badly between my legs. I made it easy for him. I just accepted the first invitation he gave me. Mushroom omelet. He didn’t quite have the nerve to ask me to stay the night, but I figured that it would be equally hard for him to ask me to leave, especially if he wanted me to stay, so I just reclined on his bed, let my skirt ride up to my knickers and fell asleep. The stupid man behaved like a perfect gentleman and slept on the floor next to me. I woke up in the middle of the night, but he was out cold. Tip: men always have an early morning hard on, unless they were blind drunk before they went to sleep. This one was stone cold sober. At dawn he woke up and his penis was doing all the talking. He was up and on top of me and banging away like that ram.

To put it crudely he fucked like a tiger. I was ready and waiting of course. A woman can sense these things, as we all know. I knew that he was going to fuck me. But what I did not know was for how long and how hard. That was the bonus. After I got home and he was still on the island, I wrote him a letter and had to tear it up and write another one because I had written how much I had enjoyed being fucked by him. I changed the word fuck to love. How I enjoyed being “loved” so much by him. It wasn’t strictly speaking a lie.

FOR A MAN LUST IS LOVE

For a man, if he loves you he has a lust for you. He wants to fuck you hard. He loves to fuck you. You have problems if he doesn’t want to. Patty Smith, that wonderful Legendary Rock Star woman had it dead right when she said that lust is love really. When we accuse a man of being lustful, watch out! What are we really accusing him of? To him, that lust is love.

His vigorous desire to make love is called lust because he hasn’t known us long enough to love us, isn’t that right ladies? Wrong. His lust is instant love. Let’s get that straight. Lust is love when it comes to sex for a man. It translates as love in his mind when he wants to have sex. He wants to because he loves to. Same thing. If it goes further than one night, it may deepen into something more than sexual. No arguments there. In other words, those sparks of sexual attraction are love, not lust. That word lust was invented by people who wanted men and women to feel guilty about sexually wanting each other. And we all know where guilt gets us. Nowhere. It’s a sexual freeze out. There are enough barriers between men and women these days without adding guilt to the list. To say it clearly, never feel guilty about feeling lustful and never make him feel guilty about his so-called lust.

How to turn him on

2008-11-27T12:43:00.000-08:00

So let’s debunk a few outmoded preconceptions that actually work against us in bed. Here’s the first misconception that we have to change.

The way to a man's heart is NOT through his Stomach but through his penis. What is being advocated here is not that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That is baloney. It might have been true in the eighteenth century. But not in the twenty first century. The way to man's heart is through his cock. Every woman should know that. It might turn him on if he knows you know that! He is more likely to be interested in your cooking after he has tasted the flesh, rather than the other way round. Only a foolish woman would think that she can tempt her man into bed with a home cooked meal.

That is just an excuse to get him into bed. Besides, no man can perform at his best on a full stomach, so be careful filling him up. Instead of sexual gymnastics, you might find a fat lump sleeping on your couch digesting his dinner throughout the night. Better to have him a bit hungry. Eat afterwards is the best plan. Sex first, food later. Remember, food is no substitute for sex in a man’s mind. Full stomach equals bad sex. The scientific reason for that is simple: the blood that should be flowing into his cock making it nice and stiff and hard and capable of penetration will be diverted to his stomach instead to digest the steak and eggs or whatever you cooked him. Greasy, fatty food should be out anyway.

So let’s break this down into a simple set of rules which is we can learn them, engrave them onto our makeup mirrors, or paste them into our purses, and never forget, we might get to the foreplay stage, and then to bed and then to the all consuming orgasm, and for us sorry old birds that want to marry one of them, even to the alter-leading him steadfastly by his beautiful cock of course. His wallet comes later. So here goes:

RULE NUMBER ONE

No heavy food before sex, but a promise of something good to eat later on. The second reason for abstaining from the food- first- sex -after mistake is that food is like sex. If the appetite for food is satiated in him, he may not want to have sex at all. The hunter- killer instinct in him has been fed so to speak. A hungry man is more aggressively sexual in bed. He has something to play for. Unconsciously he wants to prove something to you and to himself. He will be more ravenous in bed if he is a bit hungry. Not too hungry. If he needs energy, an energy drink is the answer. There are plenty to choose from. No wine. He will want to sleep. What woman doesn't want to know she has been well and truly "loved" in the sack? It is what Mama and Papa will never tell you, but what every honest woman knows.

What Every Woman Should Know

2008-11-27T12:37:00.000-08:00

We women on the other hand are wired the opposite way, to get and hold onto our man, and make him faithful. He wants all women to be one woman. We want to be the woman that is all women to him. It's psychology! Shall I say that more simply? Its important we really understand this point as it will make his behavior completely understandable. It has to do with evolution. If he didn't want to stick his penis in everything in a skirt, and we didn't want to stop him, making him faithful to just one woman, there would be no dynamic tension between the sexes and there would be no flirtation, and there wouldn't be this endless fascination we seem to have for each other. And don't forget ladies, to a man, we are an eternal mystery. It isn't true what that beastly Jack Nicholson said: “you remember the flick, As Good as It Gets.” Jack plays an author who always writes, he thinks from a woman's perspective.

One of his biggest fans catches him one day in the publisher’s office and asks him straight out how he understands the psychology of women so well. He replies with that dismissive cynicism that only Mr. Nicholson can get away with and still live to tell the tale that its easy. All women think and behave the same as men, but to be a woman you just remove accountability! Beast! Men are just as irresponsible as women, and even more selfish in bed.

It is practically a cliché of sexual conversation that men always get to cum and we women always get a quarter of the way there before he has shot his load and burned out, switched off turned his back and told us to go to sleep. How's that for non-accountability?

There isn't a woman in the world who doesn't feel a surge of power and pride over a man when we can make him orgasm. He doesn't know that it turns us on. A quick test to prove that point is simple. Ever tried and tried to get your man to cum and failed. Remember how that feels? Or feel somehow inadequate? It goes to the core of what makes us women. Our mystery, our allure seems to be only vindicated in the power we have not only to get him to want us, to woo us, to captivate us and to bed us, and then its up to us to finish him off and make him cum. If we can't do that, its like we have failed him. Isn't that right?

We might lie to ourselves and to him and pretend we don't care, but we do, really. He may feel there is something wrong, not with him, but with us, if he fails to get the final ejaculation. That puts us under a certain amount of pressure. So here are some hot tips and suggestions for making that conversation more interesting, and more successful, not just in getting him to the peak experience, but in getting us women there with him. He won't feel anything like the same guilt if we don't climax. It just seems an odd fact of life that we have to get him there though in order to feel defined as a woman. Its part of the Venus Effect to keep him interested. If we succeed he may come back for more and that we may well be interested in, especially if we want to marry him.

Q & A: "sharing my weekend with a chick he used to roll in the hay with"

2008-04-17T08:09:00.000-07:00

Q: I asked a girl some months ago if she would like to go for coffee and she said yes. But since that time we haven't been for coffee as she said she is busy, even those I have asked her yet again another number of times. Do you think I should ask her again only this time set a time and date or do I asked someone else out? - She Said Yes But…

Dear She Said Yes But…
Aren't you tired of waiting? You keep waiting around for this girl. Stop waiting and take some action like move on. After all these months, don't you think that if she were interested she would have made time for you?

You really could use some help in the world of dating. You might want to set up 2 coaching sessions with me -in the first coaching session have a list of your questions ready and I'll give you some dating, flirting, and asking girls out tips. Then I'll give you some homework. In our next session we'll talk about what worked and what didn't work and what you need to do. That's my suggestion if you want to date smart and not waste a
lot of time feeling bad and getting rejected.

By the way, this is a good time to take advantage of my March coaching discount. Set up two sessions and you get a 20% discount. Set up four sessions and you get a 30% discount. It's a good deal. But like all good deals, it will end March 31st.

Q: I have been dating a wonderful man for about a year now. I have some insecurity about an old girlfriend that he used to hang out with before we got together. He owns a cottage and we go up every weekend together. Before he and I began dating, she used to go up to his cottage and hang out with him sometimes.

Since we started dating, she has called my boyfriend a few times (that I know of) and asked to come up to the cottage to spend the weekend. I was very uncomfortable with this and told my boyfriend so. He felt somewhat "on the spot" however. I made my self clear that if he wanted her to spend the weekend, that would be fine. However, I was not going to put "myself" in a situation that I would feel extremely uncomfortable.

I know this may sound as if I am very insecure - maybe so. However, how am I supposed to feel about sharing my weekend with a chick he used to roll in the hay with! No way! What do you think?-Want a One Woman Man

Dear Want a One Woman Man,
I'm with you. I'm a really sharing woman. I'll share just about everything except my man with another woman. And I won't share my lingerie with a man. You don't sound insecure at all, you sound like a woman who knows her worth. Now its time your boyfriend discovered what he has…before it's too late. You're quite clear that you want a one-woman man. Don't settle for anything less. Don't give him an ultimatum but don't settle and compromise yourself and your values.

Q: I just wanted to say I like your website and find it very interesting!

Recently, I called a colleague of and asked if she would be interested in 'doing something sometime'. She responded "Yeah, sure!" Two days later I called her again and her tone was not so lively. I asked her if she was still interested in doing something, and she said, "uh, I don't know" in a very casual manner. That following weekend, I left a message on her machine asking her to call me if she still wanted to do something. Since I didn't hear back from her, the following Tuesday I went to her and asked her if she got my message (in a small talking manner). She said 'yeah'. So, after a little silence, I told her that I was just looking for someone to hang out with and have fun. I said that I wasn't really interested in a relationship right now, but may consider the possibility later on (if things worked out). I said, "If I came on too strong then I apologize." She didn't say anything or make much eye contact with me when I spoke.

Two days later, on Valentine's Day, I sent a rose carnation sent to her with a note wishing her a happy Valentine's Day and birthday coming up. I never received a thank you or anything in return. She is still seeing her ex-boyfriend. That's fine with me. But, now she avoids me and barely acknowledges my presence. This reminds me of grade school; she used to be very cheery when she was around me. When I see her she doesn't make eye contact at. I don't want to lose a friend over this situation; it's not worth it. I care about things like that. What did I do wrong? How do I make the tension go away? I know this may not seem like that big of a deal, but I would greatly appreciate any advice you may have!-Wondering Why

Dear Wondering Why,
Even though you say you don't have an agenda, it seems you really do. You like this woman and she's not returning the interest. She doesn't return you calls, she hasn't said yes any of your numerous requests to get together, and she never even said thank you for the rose. There's a recurring theme here. Are you getting the message? She's not interested.

And, as far as the ex-boyfriend goes, since they are dating again, you might want to erase the ex part. You're right, college isn't grade school. But the reason she's not delighted to see you is because she feels pressured by you and your agenda. She's probably sorry that she said yes, after she realized that you were really interested in something more than casually getting together. So, my advice to is…back off. Leave her alone. Let things cool off. If you see her in school, just nod and say hi. That's it! Perhaps in a couple of months you can revisit the friendship. In the meantime, you seem a little needy. You might want to work through that neediness. After all, desperation and neediness are not attractive qualities because if they were, they would be perfumes. Better to work through your neediness and emotional baggage now, instead of carrying it into your other relationships.

If you want some help in getting rid of your emotional baggage, give me a call at 310.394.2647

Q: I'm a 41-year-old single man whose efforts at finding the love of my life have been spectacular - and sometimes expensive failures.
When I was 16, I was running into the problem of meeting girls who saw me as their "brother." I have had a highly successful professional life but I have struggled with the difficulty of meeting women and getting them to go out with me.

I tried nearly everything from and I just cannot make that connection, though there was one near-relationship.

It's been years since I've kissed or held a woman in any way. I could live with being alone and going to places and family events "stag," but a little closeness and human contact makes a lot of the stress of life tolerable. Watching TV alone and seeing other couples close just makes me want to cry sometimes and wonder if I should just give up on women and accept being alone.
But if there's one experience I want to have, it's the one of being in love and having someone to share my life with. Is that so much to ask?

I suppose I'm writing this because I thought I had finally met someone who was right for me. After going out for three weeks, she told me she liked me, but that she would never have any physical attraction to me. I replied, "Maybe not now, but perhaps in the future." No, she said, she was sure of it. Then she asked if I was going to take her out tomorrow, as originally planned. Maybe I'm a shallow jerk, but I said there was no point in pursuing anything with her. All this rejection is making me very cold toward other people, I must confess. I am becoming wary of getting too close and getting my hopes up, and this has an impact on other people. I used to be so open and friendly to people and especially women I was interested in, and now I am wondering if being less so is the best approach to take.
Sorry for the length of this letter. I'm sure there are plenty of other people in the same boat who sit home at night and wonder why they can't find anyone and occasionally reach out and find themselves disappointed.- Disappointed in Women

Dear Disappointed in Women,
Thank you for your letter and honesty. I can totally appreciate and understand your desire to be in love and share your life with someone.

Right now you need a healthy dose of good self-esteem. Here's an exercise I want you to do. Write down all the reasons you are successful professionally. Then ask yourself what you "really believe" about yourself professionally. You see you don't get what you want in this world, you get what you believe you can have. Professionally, you believe certain things about yourself.

Now I want you to answer this question. Do you want to be right (that you can't have a relationship) or do you want to be happy? If you want to be happy…and in a relationship, then you have to change your personal belief system…about yourself. Make a list of what you really believe about yourself personally. For every negative belief write down a positive belief that you could believe about yourself. Then, take an action to reinforce the positive belief…not the negative belief. This isn't easy to do, but it is doable and you can do it…if you do want to be happy.

You need to learn how to flirt successfully and how to woman magnate and not the big brother. Being the big brother hasn't gotten you where you want to go, so now it's time to be different. It's okay to be friendly, just learn how to maximize your assets.

Q & A: "Is he commitment phobic or did I just play my cards wrong?"

2008-04-17T08:03:00.000-07:00

Q: Would you believe a 50-year old woman could make such stupid mistakes? I met a man at work. We had an instant attraction and things went too fast. Three months later we were living together and talking a lot about marriage. He seemed to be crazy about me. Then things slowly started to fall apart. He has never been married or had a close relationship with a woman. He never said anything was wrong but slowly he became insulting and pulled away. He broke it off with lots of phony excuses. I moved out and was devastated because I really loved him. Anyway, now I feel like a real idiot but am wondering if you think he might just be commitment phobic or did I just play my cards wrong and should have made him chase me more in the beginning? He genuinely seemed to want marriage but then again he never got there with anyone before. By the way, we got along great and never argued...but then he could never discuss his inner feelings. I have moved on, but wonder. Thanks. -Wondering Woman

Dear Wondering Woman,
First of all, stop beating yourself up. That does you absolutely no good except reinforce your negative beliefs about yourself. It's not always a matter of having a man chase you more in the beginning. There are many factors to consider but my crystal ball is out being polished. He could be commitment phobic or a serial monogamist or maybe he's just in love with the idea of love, or maybe he just doesn't want to get married...or...or...or. The important question is what have you learned about yourself? And what have you learned about jumping into relationships too soon? Just because you have an instant attraction doesn't mean that you have to set up housekeeping or start picking out china patterns.

I know you're devastated and I can understand how you feel. Have your feelings -- but don't park there. The only stupid mistake is beating yourself up. Learn from your mistake and move on -- by this I mean get rid of the excess baggage from this relationship -- work it through and get yourself ready for the next one.

Call me if you would like to set up a session coaching session and get help in reclaiming your self-esteem and help so you will move on. To set up a telephone coaching session, call 323.860.0700.

And, just because you're 50, does that mean you always have to be perfect? I hope not. Life is about living and learning...and most importantly...loving ourselves and then others.

Q: Thanks for your help. Love your website. I was just wondering if you could help me with some thing. This guy has been flirting with me. When the quarter ended, he stopped talking with me. I really liked him a lot, so I asked him out to the dance and to just go out. He told my friend to tell me that he does not want to go to the dance with me, he doesn't want a date, and that he wants to go alone with a bunch of guys. I am really upset that he said no. But my question to you is what is he saying, does he hate me or he just does not want to go out with me? I really like him a lot, and I keep thinking about him 24 when I am by my self and there is nothing that I can do about it because I do try to get him out of my head but I never can. Please help! - Very Love Struck and Confused

Dear Very Love Struck and Confused,
First of all, stop obsessing. And no he doesn't hate you. He just doesn't want to go to the dance with you or on a date. Don't take things personally and don't make assumptions about what he's thinking. What he is doing is about him--not you! It's not you job to ask out guys--it's their job to ask you out. Continue to flirt, be nice and move on! Good luck.

Q: I've been seeing someone for a few months. When we first met, he pursued me very aggressively. Then last night, he called to inform me he doesn't have the time right now for a "commitment". That aspect had never come up before. I guess I'm doomed to let it go, but what happened?-Last Call

Dear Last Call,
You're right. Let it go. Move on. You can feel bad...for a moment...but don't park there.

There are a multitude of possible reasons but my crystal ball is out being polished. He could be commitment phobic, he could be afraid, he could be...

Remember, you only love those who love you. And if he doesn't want to be
with you...can you say, "Next"

Q: I consider myself a smart and wise 26 year old woman, however there is something that even though I am a woman I completely don't understand. Many of my female friends date guys, while not perfect, are close to it. Then from out of the blue, they end the relationship. Being a good friend I asked why and some of their answers were startling. Most of them have been over petty things like the color of his car or how he made a little mistake. Maybe there is something wrong with me since I don't understand this. In case you ask, most of my friends range from 18-45 years of age. However, I will say that if I ever met a man who cared about me and was always a gentleman to me, I would not dump him for no reason.-What's Up With Women

Dear What's Up With Women,
Many people think dating is a game and they are constantly "playing" the game. When they get tired of one game - they move on to the next player. They really aren't interested in a relationship or are afraid of a relationship and commitment.

My suggestion to you is get out there and date. Have a great - authentic relationship - and settle for nothing less. Just because your girl friends aren't for real - it doesn't mean that you should be.

Men like and appreciate women who are real. Of course, keep a little mystery about you - but always be genuine.

Q & A: "I'm not sure now if she is interested"

2008-04-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

Q: I have known for Josh 2 weeks now. My friend told him that I wanted to take him to the dance and then the next day he wrote me this note: "I am sorry but I already have a date for the dance, I did not think I would meet you. If we would have meet earlier, I might have asked you to the dance, that is if you wanted to go."

What does his note mean? I know he likes me because he also said in the note, "we should talk some more, (he gave me his number) and we should get together this weekend. Call me and we will chat. He called me and we talked for almost 2 hours. What is he trying to say?-Too Late

Dear Too Late,
It may be too late to go to the dance with him, but never too late to start a wonderful friendship and relationship. He sounds like a great guy who is interested in you. He can't go to the dance with you because he already has a date that night.

Open up your ears and eyes. Listen to what he's saying and doing. Life doesn't always fit our picture. As John Lennon once said, "Life happens while we're busy making plans."

Q: First and foremost, please allow me to applaud your website and your advice. They are both stellar!

I dated this guy who I really liked. Things were really nice between the two of us. And then the time came for him to leave to study on the east coast. I really liked him and wished he didn't have to leave, however, I was very happy for him. With time I learned to let go of him and see him only as a friend.

He came back over Christmas. I saw him then. We ended up kissing, etc. Before he left he told me two things, to forget him and that he was dating someone else back east. I was hurt and I left it at that. However, later I found myself emailing him and sending him letters. Now, I find myself wanting to move on and wanting to hold on. I don't want to pursue him, but I want to stay in touch. Is staying in touch pursuing him? What should I do? -Pursuer or friend or clueless

Dear Pursuer or Friend or Clueless,
You say you're ready to move on but there's some baggage that you're carrying around with you. You need to get rid of it. You're holding on to what was and / or what could have been. You're not clueless at all. You know exactly what you're doing…but you don't know why you're doing it. Do you really just want to friends with no hidden agenda? I don't think so!

Q: I met a guy who answered my personal ad. We've gone out three times. We have a lot in common and he's a gentleman; but I'm not attracted to him. He called after our last date and asked me to go out just with him on his birthday. He's ready for a long-term relationship. I just got out of a 5-year relationship and want to date, but not seriously. What should I do?-Letting Him Down

Dear Letting Him Down,
Tell him the truth. The two of you are not on the same page and want different things out of life right now. After three dates you know if your want the fourth date. You don't, so wish him a happy birthday and move on.

Q: I met this wonderful woman through a new group of friends and we've been going out as a group for 2 months now. She is 27 years of age and I'm 37. Anyway, throughout our outings, I've gotten several hints and signals that she is interested in me. Example, she would always be by my side every time we go out or would ride with me in my car. She would also asked questions like what type of woman I look for and she seems to enjoy our conversations. Several times, she'd call me and ask to go out with her and some friends. Anyway, I felt it was time to ask her out which I did. She acted surprised but said yes anyway. On the day of the date, I called to confirm and she expressed she may not make it and she would call me back. She did not call after a couple of hours so I had to call her again. She then cancelled. I felt bad about it and thought she blew me off. She did not seem sorry nor did she try to make it up. I really like this girl and I'm not sure now if she is interested. Your advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks.-Getting Mixed Signals

Dear Getting Mixed Signals,
First things first. Don't take what someone else does personally. It's not about you. It's about her. She is the one who is exhibiting bad dating behavior and bad woman behavior.

Since you are both part of a group and will likely see each other, be cordial but not real friendly. Make it a point to ask another woman to ride in your car and make it a point to be with other women. If she likes you, she will not be too happy with the attention you're paying to other women. She will do something to get you interested again in her. And then you can decide if you want to play her game. It may be her move, but I suggest that you give her a run for her money and move on. Someone who is unavailable is often more attractive to people like her. Besides, February is the month of love. Follow my 28 ways to bring love into your life this month. Remember that, "Men and Women are like trains…another will be along in a few minutes. If the train doesn't stop at your station…it's not your train." Good luck. Let me and my readers know what happens.

Q & A: "She keeps staring and looking me straight in the eyes"

2008-04-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

Q: You say give love? I gave and receive nothing except emotional pain. - Hurting

Dear Hurting, I know how painful this time must be for you. Sometimes when we open our hearts, they get stomped on. But if you stop giving love, you'll never receive love. Close your fist for a moment. Pretend it is your heart. As long as it is closed, nothing can ever come in. Think of what your life would be like without love. No open your fist and imagine what your life could be like filled with love. The next time you decide to give your love, choose a more worthy person.

Q: I am 18 years old and I l like this girl in my school. I have been crazy about her because of they way she looks at me. She keeps staring and looking me straight in the eyes. She smiles and sometimes she looks back and smiles when she is with her friend. Every time I am around her she stares at me like I am a ghost or something. Give me some advice. What does this mean? -18 and Clueless

Dear 18 and Clueless,
She's flirting with you. She is giving you feminine signals that she is friendly territory - so it's okay to go over and talk to her. She won't bite off your head or reject you.

What does this all mean? The bottom line is that it means she likes you. So take a breath and step up to the plate and ask her out. Good luck. I know you'll do fine.

Q: I am a very feminine woman. By that I mean that I dress feminine and conduct myself in stereotypical ways (which would appall feminists). My problem is that I find men today aren't as masculine as I would like. I have had a few men not pay for first dates, not open doors, in short, not treat me like a lady! Needless to say, it did not last.

Do you think young men today have lost all these wonderful, masculine qualities? You've said it time and time again: women want to be cherished. Any thoughts? - I Think I'm Feminine

Dear I Think I'm Feminine,
I don't think men have lost their wonderfully male and masculine traits. I think they still have them and it's up to us to elicit it in them.

We need to talk - I can't believe that you allowed a man to treat you other than the lady and Queen Bee that you are.

You need some advice and some coaching. Being feminine is not based on what you wear, but rather who you are and how you "BEE." It seems men are reacting to you instead of responding to you.

Q: There is this guy and his name is Mike. I really like him and he's already told me that he likes me. I think I like him to but he acts all mean in front of his friends and it hurts me. What do I do? -Likes Me but Acts Mean

Dear Likes Me but Acts Mean,
Mike is afraid of peer pressure. When the two of you are alone, let him know that YOUR FEELINGS ARE HURT WHEN HE ACTS MEAN TO YOU. Don't tell him that he hurts your feelings - because he can't. Only you can hurt your own feelings. Don't make him wrong. Remember my 3Cs - you never want to criticize, condemn or conquer a guy. If you make him wrong, he won't listen because his pride and ego will get in the way. Instead, let him know how you feel and that it's not okay for him to be mean to you. If he values you he will act differently. If he acts mean, withdraw but don't cut him off totally. Give him a chance to redeem himself. He's a guy and needs your feminine energy but, at the same time, draw a line in the sand and don't cross it. People will only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.

Q: I have known this guy for a while and we finally are both single. I found out that he was interested in me so I decided to take the ball in my court and asked him out. He was flattered. In the past I have never been aggressive, in fact timid. Now it seems like we have clicked but how do I get him to pursue me now that I have started the ball rolling?
I get good vibes from him yet I have been hurt before and I am scared that it will happen again. It has been a week since our first date. -Made the First Move - Now What

Dear Made the First Move - Now What,

How you start a relationship is usually how the two of you wind up in a relationship. By taking the ball in your court and asking him out, you did his job for him. He has no incentive now that you've taken on the Wannabe role.
What should you do now? Back off and let him be the guy.

Q & A: "Dating Woman with Kids"

2008-04-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

Q: Is it a good idea to date someone who has two kids as a result of a 10-year marriage? I have never been married.-Dating Woman with Kids

Dear Dating Woman with Kids,
It's only a good idea if you like kids, and you can park your ego in order to open up your heart to children who have been fathered by someone other than you. Children are wonderful. Don't limit yourself, just because you don't have any of your own.

However, don't get involved with a woman who has kids if you're not ready or not willing to love and accept her kids. Just remember, her kids are part of the package.

You mentioned that you've never been married. And your point is what? Dating isn't about scorecards. It's about two human beings desiring to get to know each other, about being vulnerable and intimate with each other. Whether one of the two parties has been married before isn't important, that is unless, divorce is one of your deal breakers.

Q: This guy friend of mine really likes me and wants to date. I'm very old-fashioned. He wants me to call him, and that's not what I go for. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't listen but I know he likes me. What should I do?-Old Fashioned Girl

Dear Old Fashioned Girl,
How you start a relationship is how you BEE in a relationship. So do you want to be the Queen Bee or not? That's your choice. It's obvious that this guy isn't shy because he told you what he wants. He wants you to call him. Tell him, in a feminine, open and vulnerable way, that you would love to hear from him (you're sending him the correct signal - now he has to pick up on it). Tell him that you are old fashioned and prefer for the man to call the woman. Put the ball and responsibility in his court. If he doesn't get the message, then you have two choices. You can do his job and call and ask him out (but in the end that won't really make you happy) or you can create some distance between you and in the process make yourself more desirable to him.

Remember, men are hunters. They like a challenge and a conquest. If he doesn't respond, you know what my answer is. Men and women are like trains…another will be along in a few minutes. Just say, "next!" Let me know how it plays out and whether the girl gets her man.

Q: I have been in a serious relationship for 2 years. I often find myself liking and being attracted to other males. I have broken the relationship several times to pursue these males. We are back together now. I now have a crush on a guy and I know he feels the same way. I do not want to break my relationship with my boyfriend again, because he is getting fed up. I would never cheat on him though. I don't know why this keeps happening to me because I think I am happy with my boyfriend. I am worried about his feelings.-Happy but Still Looking

Dear Happy but Still Looking,
First of all, you can't be in a serious relationship if you're still pursuing other guys. So get real. You're not worried about your boyfriend's feelings, you're worried about him dumping you if you decide to go after this new boy toy.

You play "the innocent girl" role really well. You probably deserve an Oscar for your performance. You claim you don't understand why this keeps happening to you, like it's beyond your control. Wake up girlfriend, this is not happening to you - you are intentionally creating this entire situation.

If you really care about your boyfriend and his feelings, put more of yourself and your focus into the relationship instead placing all your intention on being a man magnet / black widow spider and seeing how many men you can lure into your web. As Shakespeare once said, "Me thinks the lady doth protest too much."

You just might want to examine your intimacy issues. I think you have some work to do in this area.

Q: This guy I am dating was supposed to come over for dinner. He never showed up and never called, but when I talked to him he said he was sorry. He said that he didn't think I wanted to talk to him and that is why he didn't call. Am I wasting my time with him?-He Never Showed Up

Dear He Never Showed Up,
If he never called, then how did you "talk" to him? Hmm, let me guess. You called him to ask him why he didn't show up or call?

Are you wasting your time? Connect the dots and then you be the judge. Here are the facts: you cooked, he didn't call or show up and you called him.

In calling, you found out that he wasn't in the hospital, that he wasn't dead, and that he still had all his dialing fingers. But you also found out something else. He's selfish, inconsiderate, cowardly, and has no cohones. His actions speak louder than his words. He definitely doesn't cherish you.

Remember following:

You only love those who love you. And does he?
The one who cares least and is least invested in the relationship controls the relationship. Which role do you think you're playing?
A man or woman will only treat you the way you expect to be treated.

Are you connecting the dots? What's the big picture look like? Let me sum it up for you: "Men and women are like trains, another will be along in a few minutes. If a train doesn't stop at your station…then it's not your train. He's not your train. Just say, "NEXT."

Q & A: "Is This Just About Sex?"

2008-04-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

Q: I have a little problem. There was this guy, who I used to say hi & have small talk with. Recently he said he would like the opportunity to know me better. Our first two encounters were cool, but then we had sex. The sex was so mind-blowing I really didn't care if he called me back or not (but you know secretly I really wanted him to call). A couple of days after our encounter I received a voicemail from him saying that I better not have lost respect for him, blah, blah, blah. So, we went out a couple time after that, and had sex again (just once). He calls me, we talk, but I'm wondering if it's just a sex thing, or is he really interested? He's extremely handsome and attractive as hell. What lady wouldn't want to get with him. I really like him, but I'm trying to play it cool. Does this new friendship have potential to blossom into something more? Is he really interested in me? -Is This Just About Sex

Dear Is This Just About Sex,
Are you sure you're interested in dating or friendship with this man? Sounds to me that you're just interested in "a close encounter." Do you always sleep with your friends and make them your bosom buddies?

You want to find out if he's really interested in you, then close your legs and instead of spending time getting to know each other's bodies, spend time getting to know each
other.

Q: I am very interested in a guy I met about a month ago. He is the first guy in a couple of years that has made me look twice. We have only been on one official date and the other few times were spent with his two children whom he has custody of. (They are great kids and we get along just fine.) I am 36 and do not have children. I am accustomed to having the freedom to go and have fun whenever I choose. My problem is that I have recently turned down several offers to date other guys that have more time to spend with me. Should I "hold out" for this one guy or start having a social life again?-So Many Men

Dear So Many Men,
I can appreciate the fact that you really like this guy but you've only had one date with him. You haven't been drafted yet, so you're still a free agent. No one's forcing you to turn down these other guys. The bigger issue is that the guy you like has a significantly different lifestyle than you. He shares his life with his kids. You have only you, so you're free to do what you want when you want. You can be self-absorbed and totally self-involved, which you seem to be. He can't. He's responsible for two other lives and is trying to juggle a lot of balls in the air.

When he calls and asks you out, tell him how much you admire and respect his ability to handle all these things effectively and still have time to see you. Let him know that you enjoy the time you two have together. In the meantime, go out with those other guys, get a puppy to fill your time, or better yet - do some volunteer work and get outside yourself.

Q: I hope you can help me. A few years ago, I met my "dream" girl. She is beautiful yet mysterious in a way. We went out on a few dates and then our shyness for one another pulled us apart. I ended up moving to a neighboring state. Now we write all the time... but the whole time I've known her, I could never tell if she really liked me. We kissed when we first met and when I write her, she writes me back the same day. We are both going to be moving nearby each other again in the future. She is all I ever think about but never can seem to get her. What do I do?-Waiting For a Sign

Dear Waiting For a Sign,
Didn't you learn anything from September 11th? There are no guarantees. All you have is today. Stop waiting for your life to begin. This is your life right now. It's up to you to decide how you want to live it.

Let her know how you feel. What's the worst thing that can happen? She'll say she doesn't feel the same way. What's the best thing that can happen? You won't know that until you try. Perhaps your dreams will come true and you'll get the girl! In any event, you'll know and finally have some peace of mind. Don't let your shyness get in the way of potential happiness. I say "Make the call…now!"

Q & A: "He's Divorced I've Never Married"

2008-04-17T07:47:00.000-07:00

Q: I just got back from vacation yesterday. Last year I met this girl and we have kept in touch. Since she is at the same timeshare, we saw each other. I am starting to like her a lot. I always have but I haven't had the guts to tell her. She lives three hours away. I really want to tell her how I feel but I don't know how she will react. I think she likes me too. I want to be in a relationship with her.-Afraid to Call

Dear Afraid to Call,
Where have you been for the last two months? With your head buried in the sand at your timeshare? Haven't you learned anything from the events of September 11th? All you have is right now. Ask yourself this question, do you want to wait for your life to start happening or do you want to start really living your life now?

Either buy a ticket and get on the roller coaster highway of life or be content sitting on the side of the road watching all the girls go by.

You can stay in your fear and keep pining away for her and do nothing but grow older and alone, or, you can take a risk and make the call. Don't make it heavy. You're not ready to start picking out china patterns together. Instead, when you call, tell her that you'd like to get to know her better and that you both have a lot in common. And then ask her out for Sunday brunch (that gives you time to get there and back if you're going to drive. If you both live in major cities, perhaps you could fly there for dinner.)

As for how she's going to react, you'll never know until you make the call. And I don't know because my crystal ball is in the shop being polished. So I guess you'll just have to call and find out for yourself. Here are some words of wisdom. Don't sound desperate whatever you do. And make up your mind ahead of time, before you make the call, that whatever happens you won't take it personally. And, don't make assumptions about what she is thinking or what she will think unless you have an advanced degree in mind reading.

I have a good feeling about this. Let me know how it turns out.

Q: I am dating this guy for about four months now. He recently told me that he was divorced. I thought all along he was single, never been married. I don't know what else he hasn't told me yet. Is it right to wait this long to tell someone about your marital status?

I have feelings for him and so does he. I'm not very experienced in the dating area and my parents don't know if I should continue this relationship due to fact that he's divorced and I've never been married. I'm also not sure what I will get myself into if I stay with him.-He's Divorced I've Never Married

Dear He's Divorced I've Never Married,
If divorce is against your religion or you really think divorced people are horrible, stupid and incapable of lasting love because they have made a mistake in their life, then don't go out with this man anymore. It's that simple. Just because a person is divorced, doesn't make him or her a bad person. I'm divorced and I'm a great person. The way you write about him being divorced and you being single, it's almost as if you really think you're both from different planets.

I want you to look at your relationship for a moment. In spite of the fact that you've never been married and he has the "D" stigma (according to you), you both have feelings for each other. He must be a nice guy. After all, you're seeing him. And I imagine that he cherishes you and treats you like the Queen Bee that you are.

Personally, I don't' think it's necessary for divorced men and women to wear a scarlet letter "D" on their clothing. You might think otherwise.

It seems to me that you have a lot of trust issues. I don't know if that's because you're young, don't have a lot of dating experience, or because you haven't worked on yourself and dealt with your issues. In any case, relationships always give you the opportunity to grow. They always bring up those issues that are uncomfortable for you.

I know, you wish your skeletons would stay in the closet. But they are out now, so you might as well deal with them. If you don't deal with your issues now, you will have to deal with them later. You might want to consider getting some help to learn how to deal with your trust issues.

Q: My girlfriend thinks I'm a complex and complicated guy. What should I do? She might break up with me.-Just Being A Guy

Dear Just Being A Guy,
Your girlfriend thinks you are complex and complicated because you're probably not paying enough attention to her. And, I'll bet you're not communicating with her, so she doesn't have clue what you're thinking and feeling. I'm not telling you to spill your guts, but I am suggesting that you open your ears and your mouth more.

Women and men think and feel differently. They therefore, often, have very different perspectives about the same incident or issue. They bring these perspectives to their relationship. Therefore, in order for your partner to understand you and "where you're coming from," it's important to share your perspective. Women are big on sharing. And men who want to be with awesome women, learn how to share too.

So what do you want? You want to just be a guy and be alone? or are you willing to share? That means you'll have to learn to share you with your girlfriend. It's your choices.

Q & A: "boyfriend has been hanging out with his ex"

2008-04-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

Q: I met the man of my dreams over a year ago on a love personal. I had one on there and he answered my ad. We started talking and talked for about a month, then decided to meet. You know, meeting for the first time is always the most nervous part of it. We decided to meet for an early dinner. I suggested that if it didn't go we would only have to suffer 30 to 60 minutes. I have had ones before that didn't go well for some reason or another.

Anyway we had a wonderful dinner. We got along great and I thought this man is really nice. We left and he walked me to my car and shook my hand (imagine that he didn't even try to get a kiss). When he walked me to my car he asked me if he could take me to dinner the next week. O course I said "yes." We talked via computer off and on all weekend. I couldn't wait until Tuesday when he took me out. The guy I was currently dating asked me out for Tuesday and I said "no." We went to dinner at a Mexican place, which I don't like very well but since he suggested it I went along with it. Then we went back to my apartment and watched a movie. Most of the guys I had dated were usually all over me but not him. He barely touched my hand. Well that was the start of something wonderful. He was such a gentleman and still is. Opens doors and car doors for me. He loves animals as much as I do which is a real plus. And has a wonderful sense of humor.

It had been over 3 weeks of us dating and I was coming up to his house for the weekend to help him paint his computer room. I had painted stars and moons on my walls at the apartment and he liked them so I told him I would paint his. I really think he was just saying that to get me up there. I had told him before that I am really a kid at heart and I just love to jump on beds and chew bubble gum. Anyway I arrived and he took my bag to his bedroom and said that he would sleep in on the fold out couch in the living room and I could have the bedroom. When I walked into the bedroom to put my purse down there across the bed was a big X in yellow caution tape. He put an X there so that I wouldn't jump there and get caught in his ceiling fan. I knew from that moment that this was the man for me. I thought that was the most amazing thing anyone could ever do.

That incident had been over a year ago and after our second date we both quit dating anyone else. We are planning on moving in together in March when my apartment lease is up. I can't wait. I just wanted to let everyone know that there is a someone out there for them. The Internet isn't for everyone and, sure there is a lot of strange people but I have also met some good friends via the Internet.

Thanks for letting me share my story with you all.-Happy Ending Trudy

Dear Happy Ending Trudy,
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Congratulations! I wish both of you much happiness together.

Just one question, why are you moving in together? Are you planning on playing house or do you two have a real commitment that's for the long-term? Just so you know, statistically, couples who don't live together before marriage have a better track record in staying married. You may want to rethink your decision and consider long-term planning vs. short-term planning. I don't mean to be the bearer of gloom and doom, but I do feel that you should be aware of that fact.

Again, thank you for sharing your happiness with all of us. I always love happy endings and when one believes in happy endings, that's what they will see in their lives.

Q: I am in a relationship and it is going fine and dandy, but I worry about her once in awhile. Is that healthy to worry like that?-Sometimes Worried

Dear Sometimes Worried,
When we don't feel deserving of the amount of happiness, peace, and contentment that you're feeling right now, we get scared. When we get that much goodness and happiness in our lives, we become afraid that "it's too good to be true" and that we are going to wake up from the "dream" at any moment.

Start realizing right now that you do deserve this wonderful woman; that you absolutely deserve to be in a happy and loving relationship, that she really does care about you because you are lovable, and know that you created this wonderful relationship by being a loving guy and the best man you know how to be. Whenever you get worried - feel the fear but don't let it stop you or get in the way of you being and becoming more of you.

Q: I have been in love with a guy for quite a long time. I think he loves me too. We use to chat but he always stops his conversation after fifteen minutes. Now he never approaches me first. What should I do?-Unsure about My Online Love

Dear Unsure about My Online Love,
I don't think you're going to like what I have to say. Don't shoot the messenger just because you don't like the message. First of all, you're probably infatuated with this guy and not really in love with him. My take is that you have never even met - so two people at the keyboard of their computers are sharing some time together - that's not love.

Second of all, since he no longer is approaching you first, it seems to me that the handwriting is on the wall…or should I say on the compute screen? He's not pursuing you so back off. Don't approach him (even though I know you want to and your fingers are just dying to reach out and touch those keys with words of love). If he wants you, he knows where and how to find you. As long as you chase him, you'll never really know if he does want to connect with you because you're doing the chasing. Queen Bees "be." They attract the Wannabes who are the "doers (trollers). Men troll because they wannabe with women.

If he's not trolling for you, then he's not interested. And if he's not interested, then you don't want him. Remember that: "You only love those who love you." Since men (and women) are like trains, another one will be along in a few minutes. And, if a particular train doesn't stop at your station…then guess what! It's not your train.

Q: I'm hoping you can help me. I just started getting to know this great guy I met, Todd, last month. He's been doing all the calling / pursuing...lots of phone calls, but only one date so far due to conflicting work schedules, relatives in town, etc. We get along great, are very attracted to each other, and have tons of stuff in common.

The only problem is that his ex just moved back to town. (Ugh!) They have been hanging out a few nights and when I asked him point-blank (because that's the way I am...I don't mess with guys who have girlfriends or with relationships that I know aren't going to go anywhere, why waste my time?) he replied "I don't know...we haven't talked in about a year and a half, so we're just getting to know one another again."

I guess my question is "what should I do?" End things even if he calls again? Do I ask for a status report the next time I talk to him?

I'd also like to know you're thoughts / experiences with people going out with exes again. My feelings are "if it didn't work the first time, obviously there was something wrong. Why would it work a second time around?" But I know people mature and all that... So what do you think? Please help!-In Limbo in Seattle

Dear In Limbo in Seattle,
How do you know that a "relationship" is or isn't going anywhere...after only one date? Most people have to date a while before they even begin a "relationship." But you're amazing. You're better than my crystal ball, which, unfortunately, is in the shop right now for polishing. Otherwise I would definitely ask it about your one date "relationship."

It sounds to me (now don't shoot the messenger just because you don't like the message) that you're a bit afraid of opening your heart because you've been burned in the past. You don't live in the realm of trust and so you go into every date and relationship with doubt and fear that it won't work out. You're so afraid of getting your heart broken again that you overprotect it to the point of not really letting anyone into your heart. Tear down the walls or at least let's put some chinks in the armor. Here's the good news - even the Berlin Wall eventually came down. So there's hope for you.

I know you want a guarantee when it comes to love and relationships, but there aren't any. Magic happens when you live outside the box and give up control (and wanting a guarantee or one year warranty). You need to open your heart and keep it open. You need to start practicing the V word…vulnerability (I know what you're saying to yourself, "No, not that. Anything but vulnerability.").

He is a free agent so he has the right to see and talk to whomever he wants to, including ex-girlfriends. As far as relationships working out the second time around, I believe that sometimes you can go home again and sometimes it's just better to move to a new neighborhood or city and create a new home.

Sometimes the timing isn't right the first time and so you give it a second try. It's better to give love a chance the second time around rather than living a lifetime of regrets. Believe me, it's so freeing to know rather than just wishing.

Other times, the things that made the relationship not work the first time usually cause it not to work the second time…that is, unless both have done some work on themselves and are ready to really have a relationship. Great relationships have passion, emotional intimacy (which has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with both people's willingness to be in the relationship - including being honest with themselves and each other, being present in the relationship and communicating openly and honestly from the heart), and commitment.

Here's a suggestion that can help you in every aspect of your life and with virtually every kind of relationship. When you ask a question of someone…be open to the answer. Don't answer your own question. If you think you already have the answer, then you're certainly not open to what someone else has to say (even though you asked him or her the questions) which means you may hear people but you really don't listen.

Good listening skills are essential to any relationship. So learn to listen to people when they are talking with you. Learn to really be with them. Good listening skills are critical for effective communication skills. The success of all your relationships - professional and personally - depend on your ability to communicate effectively.

In the meantime, turn off your Alpha Female style and become your feminine self. Keep all lines of communication open with him. Don't burn any bridges. But, at the same time, don't put all your eggs in one basket. If I were you, I would take his phone calls but I would make them very brief and get off the phone first. I would appear a little less interested and really allow him to pursue you. I wouldn't mention his ex. Right now, as a free agent, he is acting like a free agent. He's exploring all options just as you should be. Become really self-confident. Don't be or even appear needy and desperate. Bee authentic - be the Queen Bee. I know this isn't easy, but I know you can do it.

Q & A: "she said, 'could we be just friends?'"

2008-04-16T15:18:00.000-07:00

Q: I asked this girl out on a date and she said yes when I asked her in person. She gave me her phone number and address. I called her the next day, but her mom made an excuse that she was sick, and before that, her mom took down my number to have her call me back. Unfortunately, I never heard from her. So is she trying to tell me no? Should I buy a get-well gift for her since she's sick to show I care?-She Said Yes But

Dear She Said Yes But,
I'm sorry to tell you this but don't buy her a gift. She's just not interested in you. Don't take it personally. She said yes in person because she didn't know what else to do. As far as her mother is concerned, her mom shouldn't have made an excuse for daughter. That's not teaching her good values. It seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I think the fruit just may be rotten from that tree.

Q: I am a 19-year-old woman with average looks. I have had 2 past relationships before. Before I stumbled onto your site, I took my own initiative to ask a guy I liked out. I called him and he responded positively. I even asked him out for dinner (which wasn't a very good idea). After that, whenever we see each other, we would smile, but nothing more. I don't think I went too fast on him because I knew him for 3 months before I actually called him.

Does this mean that he isn't interested in me? I feel rejected although he didn't explicitly say anything to me.-Joy

Dear Joy,
You weren't acting like a Queen Bee. You were acting like an Alpha Female. Do you want to be the man or the woman in the relationship? In this situation you were acting like the guy. In fact, you did his job. It's great to flirt to let a man know that you're interested but it's his job to ask you out. It's your job to accept or not accept. As far as rejection goes, the only person who can reject you is you. You need to do some work on your self-esteem and dating habits.

You can set up a phone session with a credit card through my site. We need to do some work to have you be the Queen Bee. You're only 19. You can learn and you can get good self-esteem and confidence. I look forward to working with you and helping you date better. You deserve to live and love full out.

Q: I just started listening to your radio show on Sunday nights. I really love it. I want your opinion on these dating services (clubs) that charge up to $3,000 to join. Do you think they necessarily introduce you to more quality men? After all, anyone can use his or her charge card for joining. A friend of mine joined a very expensive club and they didn't check her out prior to joining. They just charged her card and said she was in. What do you think?-Yes or No to Expensive Dating Services

Dear Yes or No to Expensive Dating Services,
Thanks for listening to my radio show. I glad you like it. I hope you will continue to listen and will tell your friends to listen every Sunday from 10-midnight PDT.

There are a vast number of dating services and clubs. I don't know everything about every one of them. But this I do know. Just because a membership fee to a certain club is more expensive, doesn't mean it's always better a better club. I would ask the following questions. How many dates do they guarantee you? Do they pre-screen the men and women to make sure that they qualify? What's the gender and age split? What's their success rate? Do they offer a money back guarantee? Get a list of satisfied members. Call them and ask them about their experiences.

Expensive dating services can be like many health clubs -they really care about you until you've signed up. You often become their new best friend…until you've signed on the dotted line. They make their money when they sign you up. When men and women "desperately" want something, it's easy to grab onto to something…anything. This is particularly true when it comes to love. We all want and need love. And in our quest, we often don't leave any stone unturned…no matter how expensive it is.

I feel that if all these expensive dating services were as good as their claims, then there would be a lot less single people around, but you need to decide for yourself. You might want to consider some other options first before you sign on the dotted line. Let's talk about your other options. Call the show Sunday or give me a call to set up a session.

Q: I am 15 and I just fell in love with this girl the first time I met her. She is my first love. She is a year younger than me. My family has always used the courting methods and so did I. She is pure, holy, innocent, sweet, pretty and caring. I love her dearly. I met her in my church. I made friends with her, telling jokes to her, giving her a hand, etc. She smiled most of the time. I thought she loved me too but when I asked her, she said, "could we be just friends?" This hurts me so much. But I still love her and continue being friends with her. What should I do to make her love me?-Crazy about Her

Dear Crazy about Her,
First love is so precious and special, but can also be heartbreaking. There's nothing worse than unrequited love. Everyone hates it when they love someone and the other person doesn't love them back. It's so painful.

I'm sorry to tell you this but you can't make her or anyone else love you. You can invite her to get to know you and share some experiences with you. The more familiar two people get and the more they share common experiences, special moments and laughter, sometimes their friendship grows and blossoms into something more. Sorry, but my crystal ball is being polished and I'm all out of ESP pills, so I can predict whether she will eventually love you back. But this I do know. If you like her, enjoy her company and want to be with her, then continue to build the friendship and see where it goes.

Give up any expectations and you won't be disappointed. You'll simply be present when you're with her and you'll enjoy the your time together for what it is - two people who enjoy each other's company.

Q & A: "I am so in love with this guy but I think he doesn't even notice me!"

2008-04-16T15:15:00.000-07:00

Q: I'm making a change in my life by staying sober. I had to let my sponsor go because she told me that I couldn't date for the first year of my sobriety. I thought that was a little old- fashioned. Do you think dating is okay for me or do you think she was right about not dating? -Staying Sober

Dear Staying Sober,
Do you want to be right or be sober? Your sponsor has been where you've been and knows what it's like. I suggest that you listen to her if you're serious about being sober, staying sober, and having a wonderful relationship after you've done the work on yourself.

Q: Last year I took myself off of all online dating services after meeting so many men who hid in safe harbor of the almighty box. I actually giggled and ceremonious chuckle when I pushed the last button to release myself from cyber-hell. I had a long stretch off being happily alone (with many friends). During that time I was able to start my own business and I was very content. I find I still don't need a man but I sure would not mind cuddling up on Sundays with a special mate. Two and one half months ago I started dating another man who I met through a client. He is a widower. He is a very decent man and I am in that insecure phase where I am feeling vulnerable and feel like I need more but I am afraid to ask. He has a full life of friends and I feel as though I am compartmentalized and he is quite content seeing me once a week. I don't know if we have the same goals. I suppose I could ask, but we have only been dating for two and a half months. Any advice? -In the Insecure Phase

Dear In the Insecure Phase,
Dating can be hell because it really can make you crazy, insecure and lose perspective. As soon as we let down our protective shields, we become vulnerable. And that's hard - for all of us. So you're not the lone ranger.

You sound like a woman who is content with herself and that is quite excellent. Don't let your fears and insecurities shake that core. Feel the fear and do it anyway - keep being who you are.

I don't know if you both do or don't want the same thing. My crystal ball is in the shop for polishing . But, after almost three months, it is okay to talk about your goals. No, you're not asking him if the two of you are going to be picking out china patterns in the near future, but you do want a sense if the two of you are going in the same direction. If he wants a weekly date and you want a relationship, then you want different things. But you won't know that until the two of you talk. Be your feminine self and talk and find out what you both want and then decide what you want to do. Remember, one of my top two beliefs about dating are: Don't take things personally and don't make assumptions. Good luck.

Q: I'm an extremely outgoing person. There is someone I have a crush on that I met through an online service. I sent him info about CHAT and a lengthy email. How do you wait for him to make a move? My whole life I've gone after everything - the job, home, etc. like a mad woman. I have a hard time dealing with matters that are not based on logic. My nature is to seek out and zero in for the *kill* in this case love of course. How do you stop being rational and aggressive in this matter? -Too Aggressive

Dear Too Aggressive,
Love is a matter of the heart. To experience love you can't think it, you have to feel it and that means opening yourself up. Joan of Arc, it's time to take off your armor and stop being ready for battle all the time. You're always looking for the next conquest to validate you and reinforce how worthy you are. Here's the secret. The conquest doesn't make your more worthy; it just makes you a busy worker bee. Here's a tremendous opportunity for you. Make a choice. Do you want to be a Queen Bee or a worker bee?

The reason you have to be rational all the time is because you want to be in control. You're terrified of the unknown, so you compartmentalize everything and put it in a nice neat box. That's all your masculine energy.

The secret is that magic, creation, and the birth of ideas and happiness happen when you're in your feminine energy. The reasons that your "whole life you've gone after everything" in an aggressive and pushy way are: 1. You were taught to do that that either from your mom or your culture 2. You don't believe that you deserve to have what you want or that you can have what you want so you keep chasing anything and everything in order to validate yourself.

In order to stop being an Alpha Female - feminist and start becoming a Queen Bee - feminine, you have to do four things: love yourself, get out of your head and into your heart, make up a new belief system that you are worthy to have what you want, and slow down-stop running around trying to make things happen and allow things to happen. You're doing all the pursuing. As a woman, in matters of the heart, it's your job to be pursued. Stop doing the man's job of trolling and looking for someone. Be like the Queen Bee and attract the Wannabes. Stand still long enough to be found. If you really want to stop being an Alpha Female and you're in LA, take one of my workshops for Alpha Females. Otherwise, get some coaching. Call me at 310.394.2647.

Q: I was wondering if you have any advice for me on getting cheated on. My boyfriend was going out on me and he lied. Should I confront him? I feel so stupid. Should I get even? What should I do? -Cheated On

Dear Cheated On,
If you know that he cheated on you, then you definitely need to talk with him. You noticed that I used the word talk and not confront. Confrontation usually meets with confrontation and doesn't resolve anything. It only creates more anger and resentment. You'll do the attacking and he'll feel attacked. Great! Now you're both filled with emotion and you've resolved nothing.

Be a lady. Talk with him and tell him how you feel. Let him know that you only go out with men who cherish you and it's obvious that he doesn't, since he went out on you. Tell him that you feel betrayed, that he betrayed your trust, and you really don't know if you will be able to trust him again. The truth is that relationships are based on trust and if you two don't have trust you don't have a relationship. Therefore, you need to take a step back from this relationship. Either stop seeing him or cut way back until he proves to you that he is worthy of going out with you again.

Don't try to even. It's not worth it. It won't say much for you as a person. And besides, revenge is such a waste of time and energy. Rather than do that, move on to a man who will love and cherish you and who will be faithful.

Q: I am so in love with this guy but to me I think he doesn't even notice me! Maybe I am wrong. Is there anyway I can find out without being too forward? -Love from Afar in London
Dear Love from Afar in London,
Smile at him. Be friendly and flirt. Flirting is a way of letting someone know that you'd like to get to know him or her better. Put out the signals and wait to see if he picks up on them. If he does…keep putting out those signals. If not, then use those signals to attract someone else. Remember, men and women are like trains…another one will be along. If the train doesn't stop at your station…it's not your train.

Of course, if this guy is really shy and terrified of rejection, as many men are, be extra friendly and let him know that he won't be rejected by you. You can lead a horse to water but if he isn't thirsty, he isn't going to drink. If that's the case, put your lips together and just say, "Next!" Don't waste your time and your life loving anyone who doesn't love you. It only keeps you alone and separate. Plus it will only reinforce your belief that no one can or will love you. So, do you want to be right about not being lovable or do you want to have a relationship? The choice is yours. Let me know which you choose.

Q & A: "I don't know what to say to her if I do see her alone"

2008-04-16T15:11:00.000-07:00

Q: I am a 24-year-old straight guy. I'm not seeing anybody at the moment, however I think I really love the woman I see often getting on the same bus as me. I can't speak to her, as she's always with her friend on the bus. And I don't know what to say to her if I do see her alone. Please help!-What Do I Say

Dear What Do I Say,
I know you're shy and afraid of being rejected. Guess what? No one wants to get rejected. And, we're all afraid of looking stupid and not being liked. So get over yourself. Believe me, the more you put yourself out there, the easier it gets. Take a deep breath - feel your fear - and say hello anyway. I promise you - you won't die. I know you will feel like you are going to die, but you won't. You'll probably be sweating to death(so carry a towel) and feeling awkward and stupid, but awkwardness, sweating, and feeling stupid never killed anyone.

Ask yourself this question, do you want to be right and alone or do you want to take a risk and perhaps connect with a wonderful woman?

As for loving this woman, that's a little dramatic. You don't even know her yet. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. The truth is that you see this girl on the bus and you'd like to get to know her. Everything else is up for grabs at this point.

You need a strategy and game plan. Here it is. When you see her on the bus, smile at her at say "Hi." The next time you see her, say "Hi" again and, then look at her directly, but also include the friend in the conversation (you don't want to appear rude) and tell them that it seems we're often on the same bus. Isn't that an interesting coincidence? Tell her the reason that you're on the bus, either going to or from work or shopping or visiting a relative/friend or whatever the reason is. Then ask her where she is going. And then, quite nonchalantly, tell her your name and ask both of them their names. Again, you don't want to leave the friend out - but you do want to make it clear that your interest is in one of the women. The third time you see her (or if the conversation is flowing and going extremely well you can do this the second time you see her), you can suggest that two of you meet for a coffee. Ask her for her number and if she's reluctant to give it to you, then make a date with her right then and there - include day, place and time. Close the deal. And, give her your number just to show that you're for real.

Remember, it takes guts to go after what you want. No guts no reward. You can ride the bus forever admiring this girl from afar, or you can do something about making your dream a reality. It's your choice.

In order to have guts, you have to be willing to risk rejection. I'm not saying you're going to be rejected; you just have to be okay with being rejected in the event that she's not available or interested. However, here's the secret to why you can take this action and survive, no matter what happens. If she happens to say no, don't take it personally. It's not about you. It's about her. And don't make assumptions about what she is or isn't thinking.

The way to get over shyness and fear is to be on the playing field. The more you're out there playing, the more experience you'll have in a variety of situations, and the more confidence you'll build. I say go for it. And let me know what happens.

Q: I'm involved in a long distance relationship for the last four months and I have accused my girlfriend of cheating on me over the phone because I have heard strange noises in the background. For example, I heard a loud slapping noise and she told me she hit herself in the face but the noise sounded just like someone hitting her on her thigh. I confronted her about it and she attacked me by saying that I always hear what I want to hear but I know that my hearing is ok. I passed my naval health examination. My question is this my imagination or is this real and how do I go about re-establishing trust in our relationship?-Want to Trust Again

Dear Want to Trust Again,
I don't know whether she is or isn't cheating, but I do know that without trust your relationship is doomed, especially a long distance relationship. A long distance relationship is hard enough to keep, but when you add doubt and distrust to it, let's just say, if I did have a crystal ball and if I did look into it, I wouldn't see you two as the dynamic duo. A relationship without trust is not a healthy relationship and has no place to go but down.

First question: Do you have any reason or evidence to believe or suspect that your girlfriend would cheat on you or are you just feeling insecure?

Second question: Instead of being accusatory and putting her on the defensive, why don't the two of you have an honest conversation about how each of you are feeling? And really listen to each other - what each other is saying and not saying. It doesn't take rocket science to listen. It takes caring and compassion, and it's even easy to do when you really care about someone.

We all hear what we want to hear. It usually has nothing to do with our hearing - but everything to do with our consciousness, how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about the other person, and our excess relationship baggage that we carry around.

I suggest that both of you start communicating better - it's not only about talking to each other but it also means really listening to each other. And give each other permission to be real, authentic, honest, and vulnerable.

Also, start remembering the reason why you are in the relationship with this person and where you would like to see this relationship go. Once you are clear about those two things, it will be much easier for you, for both of you, to create a stronger foundation together.

The way to re-establish trust is to start trusting the person 100%. Put both feet into the relationship. Just as you can't be a little pregnant, you can't be a just a little trusting in a relationship and expect it to blossom.

Q: About two months ago, my girlfriend of 10 months ended our relationship. She said she was scared, that she didn't think she was still "in love", but that she would always love me and that hopefully someday we could again be best friends.

The weeks that followed started out with us actually talking a lot. We even kissed on occasion, but then she decided to end that also. We didn't talk for two weeks, but suddenly two weeks ago she started calling. We started talking again and things quickly escalated. Two nights ago she woke me up and told me that she loved me and always had. Then last night she told me that she was really confused and that she wanted to date around.

She's only 19 and I'm 23, but I love her and want to spend my life with her. She has made me a better person and I know she loves me, but she is scared. What do I do, how do I act? I tell her that I am there to be supportive, but I don't think it's enough. Any advice you can provide to help me save our love or help me move on and maintain our friendship?-Heartbroken an Scared

Dear Heartbroken an Scared,
Based on your letter, I absolutely believe that your girlfriend loves you, but that she's terrified to make a commitment. There is nothing you can do to make her make that commitment if she's not ready.

In order for your relationship to work you both have to be on the same page and both ready. Unfortunately, you're both not in the same place at this time. My suggestion is for you to tell her that you love her and because you do, you're setting her free to date others. But because you're not a ping-pong ball but a human being with a heart that can love and break, you can't be friends. There's too much emotion and connection between the two of you to just be friends.

Therefore, if she wants to date others, wish her well and move on. Don't shut the door on her, but leave it open. When and if she makes up her mind and if you're still available, then perhaps the two of you can start planning a life together. In the meantime…the beat goes on and so should you. Otherwise, she'll stay on the fence - one day she will be ready to pick out china patterns and the next day she will want to date others. If you want to be on a roller coaster, go to Disney Land. At least there you know the ride doesn't go on forever.

Q: I just recently started dating this guy and I fell in love with him immediately. One issue though is that he is white and I'm black which is not a problem, but it just seems like there are a lot of things he does not understand and I constantly find myself explaining. In the beginning everything was perfect, like all relationships, but then all of a sudden once he found out my financial situation, I find him always fussing at me if I spend a dollar.

What happened to him loving me for me? I find him pushing - not encouraging at all. For past 5 days all we've done is argue about my bills, or me finding another job, and not just that, but I think he feels like because he makes more money than me that he has total control and I have no options. So what do I do in a situation like this? I don't want to lose him, but I'm tired of his constant complaining. - How Do I Keep the Love

Dear How Do I Keep the Love,
Can you say control freak? He doesn't want to love you; he wants to control you, the money, and the relationship. Relationships are built on mutual love, trust, dignity and respect. How many of those describe your relationship?

You have plenty of options. Which one do you want to exercise? A man will only treat you the way you expect and allow him to treat you. Stop arguing. In a calm, feminine, powerful way, if you don't like the way he is treating you, let him know. Then, if he continues same behavior, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and maintain your self-dignity, self-respect, and self-esteem.

I think you both would benefit from some relationship coaching - especially him. I just happen to know a great relationship coach. Call me at 310.394.2647.

And, by the way, if race isn't an issue in your relationship, why did you bring it up in your letter? For your information, there's a huge difference between racial and cultural issues.

Q: I've known this guy for about a year now and I'm starting to fall in love with him. He told me he likes me and he knows I like him but no one ever asks for a relationship. I am at the point in my life where I want a relationship and I want it with him. So, should I wait on him to ask or should I be the one to ask? Another problem is that I might be moving to Ohio. So should I still want a relationship even if it's a long distance one or should we just remain friends? - Want More than Friendship

Dear Want More Than Friendship,
Are you two dating or just friends? If you're dating and you want it to go to the next step, as in having a committed relationship, you might want to let him know where you are and what you want out of life and that you might be moving to Ohio. Share your feelings and your hopes for your life in the future and see how he responds. As a woman, it's your job to create the opening. It's his job to walk through the door…or not. And, if he isn't willing or doesn't want to walk through the door, after you've told him what you want, then it's time to move on. Remember, men…and women are like trains, another one will be along. If a train doesn't stop at your station, then it isn't your train.

You can only open the door (and that's what you do with feminine energy). It's his choice whether he wants to walk through it (that's masculine energy). If he does, that's great. The two of you will handle the long-distance part of it. If not, you can be distant…and I do mean distant (even if you're in the same city) friends. The reason for this is, that according to the law of physics, two things can't occupy the same space at the same time. You can't just be friends with a person who you are in love with. You'll end up living a life of yearning for love instead of living a life of having love.

Q: I' m only 18 and the guy I've been on and off for a year and a half is right now confused about being with me or not. At first he wanted to stop dating, so we did. Then two days after I started dating another guy, he starts calling me again. This is driving me crazy. What do I do? - Should I Go Back to Him or Move on
Dear Should I Go Back to Him or Move on,
If he's confused, let him stay that way until he can make up his mind. It's not your problem, so don't make it your problem. It sounds to me that he's quite competitive and loves the chase. As long as no one else was interested in you, neither was he…really. But as soon as someone else wants what he considers "his woman," he wants you back.

Well my dear, don't be so available. Value yourself more and then so will he. Remember, a man will only treat you the way you treat yourself. So if you don't value you, he won't either. I wouldn't stop dating the new guy because your old boyfriend wants you back. It seems that your ex doesn't cherish you. He may miss you but he doesn't cherish you. You want to be cherished and made to feel special. And, you only want to be with a guy realizes that and whose actions match his words. Right now your ex seems to be full of hot air.

Q & A: "man should be taller than the woman?"

2008-04-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

Q: I'm only 18 and the guy I've been on and off for a year and a half is right now confused on being with me or not? He says he likes me and wants to be with me but all I see is that he is always with his friends 24/7 and even blows me off for them, but at the same time he says he is confused
but still likes me. So what should I do? Just give him some space and let him be with his friends or just move on. I love him though. Please help me.-18 and in Love

Dear 18 and in Love,
Read some of the dating tips on this site. Also, go through the advice archive and read some of the columns. They will help you. One of my cardinal rules is:

"You only love those who love you."

It seems to me that you're doing the pursuing right now because you feel the most vulnerable and most insecure. Remember, he or she who is least invested in the relationship controls the relationship. If I were you, I'd give him all the space he needs. Don't be so available. Let him start missing you. Right now you're probably hovering over him so he can't miss you. Start being the Queen Bee and start attracting the wannabe or wannabes who do want to be with you.

Good luck. Let me know what happens.

Q: After a 2 year relationship with a great first year, the second year flopped big time. I became insecure with the fact that relationships aren't perfect and my first mistake was I let another girl get in between my Love, and me only online though. Secondly I lost myself in online video games and neglected the relationship. My girlfriend now has been through a lot with me. We called it quits. After 3 weeks, I really have realized that I did change quite a bit. Suddenly I feel great again, the time apart has opened my eyes. We've never had time apart with all the other break-ups. Honestly I believe she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, we're both only 20 by the way. But I tear myself up inside constantly pondering over this relationship. We've had one good phone conversation since we broke up, and I did the big "I'm Sorry" speech already, once I figured out what I did wrong. Now I'm preparing myself to sit down with her for an adult conversation over dinner maybe? I really think she may have moved on but I must keep trying. I really shouldn't worry about what she is thinking but wish to believe she is thinking about the relationship as much as I have during the past 3 weeks. Only time can really give answers or heal though. Do real life love stories ever work out?-Realizing but Is It Too Late?

Dear Realizing but Is It Too Late?
Yes, real life love stories do work out when both parties take responsibility, are interested in working on the relationship, and are committed to the relationship. It sounds to me like, until this recent awakening, the only one committed to this relationship was your girlfriend. You've been really preoccupied and pretty involved - with yourself. Choosing video games over the woman you love? And you expected her to just wait around? Have trouble wearing hats because your head seems to be really big.

I'm not sure you have figured out, even now, what you've done wrong, so I'll tell you. You made the second year all about you and your needs. You weren't concerned at all with your girlfriend's feelings, needs and desires - just your own. You certainly don't know the secret to relationships which is: know what each other wants and then give it to him/or her. Your girlfriend knew what you wanted - space and understanding. And she gave you both. What did you give her in return? You certainly didn't make her feel special (no girl could possibly feel special knowing that her guy thinks video games are more important than her). You're in a committed relationship and you're fooling around with someone else online? You think that makes a woman feel safe with you? Not! How can she trust you? She can't!

If a smart, healthy woman can't trust her man, if she has any ounce of self-respect and self-esteem, she will show him the door and say "Don't let it hit you in the ass." And, if was me, when you walked out the door, I'd close it softly (I wouldn't slam it - you don't deserve that much emotion) and I'd close the page, chapter and book on "us." You'd have to do a whole lot more than make the "big apology speech" in order to get back in my life.

Mr. Wonderful, you've got a fan club of one right now. Do you want to win your woman back? Then make your actions consistent with your words and what you say you feel in your heart. Court her, woo her - make her feel special. Let her know that she is the most important person in your life. You're going to have to build up a lot of trust points with her, because right now there is absolutely no evidence - only words - that you mean what you say.

Yes, love can work out. But you have to want it to and be committed to the relationship and to making your partner happy. From where I'm sitting, you just want to take instead of giving to her and the relationship. In order for love to work, you have to be willing to give to your partner, give her what she wants. Here's my suggestion. Tell her you messed up big time and that you're really sorry and that you know it will take time to prove it to her that she is the love of your life. But that you are crazy about her and think you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Then, make sure all your actions match those sweet words. That's called integrity and keeping your word. Both are essential to a healthy, happy, loving relationship. Look luck. If you're half the man I think you are, you can do this. I have faith in you. Let me know how it turns out.

Q: Just wondering whether it's normal for a guy to like a girl who looks like his ex who he's been with for 2 years. Is he fixating on the ex or is it just that he prefers that style of girls? He did tell me that he likes me for me, and not because I look like some "particular individual he knows." In general, is it normal for guys to like girls who tend to look like their exes?-Boys Type Casting Girls

Dear Boys Type Casting Girls,
Generally, we're attracted to what's familiar. We all like what we like. Men are more visual than women, so it makes sense that they would frequently pick women who have the same "look." Women generally pick men who have similar qualities (although looks aren't generally at the top of their lists). Don't you pick the same type of clothing over and over again? Aren't you drawn to special colors? Aren't you more attracted to certain kinds of people? The answer is yes, yes and yes.

Get more secure with yourself. You're not a substitute for his ex, unless you know something that you didn't write in your email to me. If he says he likes you for you, then believe him, unless he's the lying kind. And, if he's the lying kind - you don't want to be with him anyway.

Q: I am a 19-year-old girl and I've been dating this guy for a few months. Our relationship is great but I have a problem. I'm 1 1/2 inches taller than him. Usually, I don't take this problem seriously as I love him so much that I won't let this problem break our relationship. However, sometimes I feel uncomfortable about this. I still think that the man should be taller than the woman. What can I do to overcome this feeling? I've heard about some programs that can increase someone's height. Does it really work? If yes, how could I tell my boyfriend about it and ask if he'd like to try this program without hurting his feeling? My mother hasn't found out about us yet. I'm sure that she won't be so happy to know that her daughter has a boyfriend that's shorter than her. What can I do to make my mom like my boyfriend?-Too Tall

Dear Too Tall,
If you really love this guy as much as you say you do in your email, then why do you want him to be different? You should love him "as is" without trying to make him be different. If you can't love him for the man he is on the inside and out (and in that order), then you don't deserve him.

Why are you trying to sabotage a great relationship based on height? Do you just go looking for problems or are you just a problem magnet? And about your mother not like your boyfriend because he's a little shorter than you, I can't believe that your mother is that shallow and so superficial. Life is more than about "how it looks," and if you don't realize that now, then you better prepare yourself for a rocky road ahead.

Q & A: "a bunch of old man chasing young women"

2008-04-16T15:09:00.002-07:00

Q: I live in New York City the worst place for personal relationships. I see a bunch of old man chasing young women and the ones in my age group, 46 don't want a relationship. They are just fine or I meet to drunks one and that is out of the question for me. What do I do? - Not Dating in New York

Dear Not Dating in New York,
I know New York can be a tough city for relationships, but girlfriend, you need an attitude adjustment or you're never going to meet a wonderful guy. Right now I can understand why you're attracting unavailable and unworthy men. There are two reasons:

You are unavailable and don't (deep down) consider yourself worthy of attracting great guy. These men are simply mirrors of your beliefs.

It is done unto you as you believe. Since you believe that NYC is the worst place for relationships, even if a great guy would show up, you wouldn't be able to see him. You'd rather be right than happy. You'd rather be right that there are no great guys in NY than allow yourself to be dating and in a healthy relationship.
You need an attitude adjustment. Ask yourself, "Do I want to be right or be in a happy relationship?" Once you decide that you want to be happy, you'll do something different - you'll start behaving in a way that will result in attracting a different kind of man to you. You'll notice that once you start responding differently to the world, the world will respond different to you.

Q: I am 47, female, never married and I am very sad. I am sad that I cannot meet someone, sad because when I go out, the men want my girl friends. They want to meet them, not me. I'm sad because I have gotten myself in dangerous situations (such as drinking too much, then going with them to their place) because I am afraid to drive home. Then they try to take advantage of me. I usually am ok but occasionally they are forceful like a possible date rape scenario. That happened last weekend. I was powerless, but I succeeded in fending off the man. I am feeling so blue about it. I have no way of meeting decent men. I am so disappointed in myself and men.-Disappointed in Me and Men

Dear Disappointed in Me and Men,
I know how you feel. You're not only disappointed in and with yourself, you're also frustrated and don't know what to do. Believe me, we've all been there. The only thing you can do at this point is surrender to the situation - you're alone and you don't want to be. And because of your desperation, neediness and loneliness you've made bad decisions and poor choices in men.

Feel your feelings. Be sad, angry, fearful and resentful. Feel free to add any more emotions. Have all your emotions and then get over yourself.

You can't do anything about what has already happened. All you can do is stop being a victim and begin to take responsibility for your life and what you want to create in your life now.

Here's my advice. Stop dating or looking for men - just for right now. Spend the time getting yourself together; building your self-esteem, self-confidence and learn to love yourself. Men won't and can't love you if you don't love yourself. And, as long as you stay where you are - in victim mode and having a pity party - you'll either stay alone, be passed over or repeatedly attract the same kind of man who will take advantage of you. Remember, men or women can and will only treat you the way you let them treat you. And how they treat you is based on your own self-respect, self-confidence and self-acceptance.

The bottom line is that you are not hopeless and neither is your situation. You deserve to have love in your life - but first you have to realize it, believe it, and accept it as possible and true. That may take some faith and trust on your part. But look at it this way. Your life isn't working the way it is right now. You might as well put your faith and trust into something new that just might work better for you. You really have nothing to lose. You're already feeling really bad. It looks like the only place for you to go is up and from where I sit, with a little work on your part; you could become successful at dating and be in a relationship.

Once you take responsibility for your life by realizing where you are and believing where you want to be is possible, (even though it will require a leap of faith on your part), the next step is to then get some help in building your "self" image and creating some positive self-confidence.

Do these two steps and then you will be ready to date. At that point you'll be ready to leave the pity party and go to a real party. When you change a little, it's amazing how the world will respond to you. Who know whom you may meet?

If you want your life to be better, different, more fulfilling and less disappointing, get some help in changing it. You don't have to do this alone. And you don't have to be alone. Nor do you have to compromise yourself and settle. You just need to learn how to like and love yourself. Then you won't allow yourself to compromise yourself. I can help. If you're interested in changing yourself and your life, and you don't want to be a victim anymore, contact me.

Q: I just called it off with the guy I was dating for over two months. We had a good thing going. I was not crazy about him but he did pursue me. I was taking things slow in that we didn't really talked about where we were going, but simply enjoyed each other's company. He went on holiday to New York and fell in love with a girl there. He said, "He was blindsided by something he didn't expect." They intend to see each other again to see if it will work. He still wants to see me saying he still feels the same, but he cannot undo what happened while on vacation. I would have wanted to give that sort of arrangement a go but then I realized that I am in a win-lose situation there. I called it off. Did you think it was the right thing to do? Why be hurt in the future when I could have backed out now. -Did I Do the Right Thing?

Dear Did I Do the Right Thing,
You read the signs (of course they were hard to miss) and took the course of action that any woman who likes and values herself would take. Congratulations! Even before he went to New York, he was in the BTN category, which is Better Than Nothing. So you're not missing much. Besides, you don't want a man with the mantra of, "when you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

In the future, if a similar situation happens again, simply smile and say, "Thank you. You saved me a lot of time. There's the door. Don't let it hit you in the ass." Remember, just because a man pursues you doesn't mean you have to go out with him.

Q: I am very recently divorced but extremely comfortable with this. We were married for 3 years, but I was very well aware of the fact that I was not "in love" with Mark. He is a wonderful person, has so many great qualities, but there was never that "magic" feeling people talk about and to be quite honest, I was convinced there was no such thing. I honestly believe that there are many people who can make you happy and you have to make yourself available to be loved and of course return love. However, both people must feel that way.

After one year, I realized as sweet as Mark was, he was not in love with me, he was in love with the idea or role of a wife. The things that make me who I am began to aggravate him, especially my desire to show him affection and to receive affection from him. This led to a series of bad decisions on my part which involved fooling around with guy friends of ours or mine. I've never had sex with any of them, but I craved their attention and accepted it. In June, I began talking to a wonderful guy named Rick.

After two weeks I realized that I was very taken with him and he felt the same way. Tim's
ex-wife was determined that things weren't going to get any further between us, so she contacted my husband. Mark confronted me and I admitted to talking to Rick for two weeks. We immediately separated and are now waiting for the 30 days to expire finalizing our divorce.
I have gone to counseling to better understand myself and to make sure I was not more at fault than what was obvious, in the deterioration of my marriage. I'm just the type of person who doesn't want to continue making the same mistakes repeatedly. I have come to the conclusion that I am not unusually needy or dependent and do not have an unhealthy need for validation or approval from a partner.

The first issue is that I'm 22 and he's 40. The second issue is that he's been married 4 times and not happily to any of them. I want to make it clear that age and past marriages are of no consequence to him or me. I, of all people, know that we all make mistakes and have pasts that we would like to change but do not necessarily regret because they have made us the people we are.

I have never felt as appreciated and loved for the person that I am - absolutely unconditionally, until now. Neither of us have anything to gain from the other, except pure happiness and genuine love. We compliment each other in so many ways. I feel certain that if my family would just wait and hold their judgments until they've seen how happy we are, there would be no objections. I know this is not like my marriage in the respect that he is filling a role; he is in love with me and all of my idiosyncrasies. Your advice will not make any decisions for me, but I would like to hear an unbiased opinion from someone who seems to understand a lot about relationships and people.- He's Been Married Four Times, Will it Work This Time?

Dear He's Been Married Four Times,
Thank you for the compliment and for asking me for advice. I don't think you're going to like what I have to say, but here goes. I don't think you're the perfect match or the dynamic duo. You are on the rebound my dear and like a starved dog. You'll be with anyone who pays you even a little attention. I'm not calling you needy (although I think you are and could use some more therapy) but you've just come out of a loveless marriage and you want what has been lacking in your life for the past three years - and you want it all right now. I totally understand that, but you can't compensate for what was missing yesterday. All you can do is create your future by what you do today.

This guy doesn't have a great track record when it comes to women and marriage. You can justify as much as you want, but the results are the results. And, I know you think you're different than all the other women he has gone with and married, and perhaps you are, but in all my years and all my research and all my reading (I am a student of history) I don't know of even one leopard who has changed his spots. Of course, there is always a first time and I have been known to be wrong. However, in this case, I think I'm right on the money. I think Rick is your transition man (and believe me there's nothing wrong with that) but I wouldn't be so quick to pick out china patterns…if you know what I mean.

Good luck. Even though you feel like a wounded animal, you don't have to act like one. Instead, heal yourself so you can really have a great life with a great man who is really committed to relationship and marriage. Please let me know if the leopard changes his spots. It will be one for the books.

Q & A: "I am trying to get back my first love"

2008-04-16T15:09:00.001-07:00

Q: I wish to thank you enormously for sharing your wisdom in such a delicate (and complicated!) matter. I am 20 years old, beautiful, intelligent... but till not long ago, an alpha female. I just couldn't realize what I was doing wrong until I found your website and read your advices. At first, it seemed difficult (because of all those feminist ideas), but slowly I started to perform the metamorphosis -in both my actions and thoughts- and now I'm glad, specially about myself: being feminine (in all its implications) comes naturally and it also happens to feel very delightful (now I can truly understand and feel the joy Shania Twain described in her song, "I feel like a woman"). The way men behave when they are near me has drastically changed! Before they used to stare at me for a while and rarely show more interest than that, while now they approach me and really seem to enjoy my company! So once again: Thank you very much!- Lady MO

Dear Lady MO,
Congratulations! Change isn't always easy, but the results certainly are wonderful. Isn't it amazing how differently the world and men and women respond to us when we are being and "beeing" our true selves? This lesson applies to both men and women.

And you are very welcome. For all you Alpha Females who want men to behave differently around you, take my free teleclass called What Men Want and How to Give it to Them - Dating Tips for the Alpha Female on Thursday, July 12th at 9pm PDT. Call 310.394.2647 to register (include your phone number and email address) or send me an email .

Q: I just read your stuff and its really good information. I just got back from a date that was going nowhere, but I have another one with a different guy who I am very excited about. Anyway I wanted to say that your advice is very honest and inspiring. I have some strong feminist outlooks that I value, but I appreciate your softening guidance. I would like to read a book by you if you have written one. I have one big question that I can't seem to answer and that is about the first date, where do we go, what do we do, how do we act? I want to make a stellar first impression and after tonight I've lost so much charisma. Help! By the way I'm sixteen, and I live in Salt Lake City, Utah. Any ideas? Thanks again for your awesome web site its really great stuff!-Wanting My Charisma Back

Dear Wanting My Charisma Back,
You never lost your charisma. It's still there. The problem is that you think someone else has to ignite it and validate it in order for your charisma to come out. Wrong. Charisma is that special quality that attracts people to you. Charisma starts on the inside. It comes being authentic and allowing the unique you to come out and connect with others.

On the first date you let the guy decide what you're going to do; let him suggest the place and you can say agree or not agree to go. As far as how to act goes - be yourself, "bee" your true authentic feminine self. Ask him questions and let him do most of the talking. You don't have to make the date all about you. You don't have to impress him. As a Queen Bee, it's his job to impress you. He knows that. If he doesn't impress you, you're not going to go out with him again. If he wants to see you again then he will try his best to impress you. It's your job to appreciate his effort, admire his courage for his willingness to do whatever it takes to impress you, and respect him for the great guy that he is.

Thank you for the compliments. I have worked really hard to make this site what it is today.

For all of my readers, I'm always looking for suggestions on how to improve it. If you have a suggestion for a topic or subject you would like me to write about, please feel free to contact me.

Q: I have known my long distances online love for 3 months. We are both married for 10 years and have no children. I love him like nobody else before. He has given me the confidence to open up my body and feelings, to show love like I have never shown to anyone. He says he loves me, needs me, says I hit him like a hurricane and he is addicted to me and our online sex is amazing.

We spend any where from 3-6 hours at a time chatting online, he is 4 and a half hours ahead of me so he stays up till 4:00- 5:00 am his time to chat and voice to me while his wife is sleeping. I am in an easier position to leave my marriage then him. I am willing to leave my marriage, but he says he can't change his situation and doesn't see it changing in the near future. He says he doesn't want to lose something so special that we are sharing. He wants to keep our net relationship and see what time will bring us. Do you think I am lost in this wonderful fantasy as it is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me in my 34 years and I cannot do without his words, his love, his smile, and all his emotions that he shares with me.-Married and Having a Net Affair

Dear Married,
Get a life and stop spending what little of a life you do have online with another man. You are both married. He is not going to leave his wife. And besides, if he did leave her for you, what makes you think he won't dump you for another woman? Since when have leopards started changing their spots?

I can tell from your letter that you're unhappy and that this net fantasy helps you forget your misery. But you're wasting your time. Do something real and pro-active to make your life better. Work on your marriage, get some counseling, or try a trial separation, and change your email address. But before you do, write him a lovely good-bye letter and tell him how much he has enhanced your life and shown you how much better life can be. Thank him for that.

And, now that you know how good life can be, get a life and make it a great one. By the way, if you want to live in Fantasy Land, take a trip to Disney World.

Q: I am trying to get back my first love, but she's not interested. What do I do?- I Want Her Back

Dear I Want Her Back,
All you can do is give it your best shot. Either she wants you or she doesn't. If she doesn't want to be the dynamic duo again, you have two choices. You can pine away for her (which isn't very attractive nor productive) or you can move on.

Don't give up your self-respect and become her doormat or puppy dog. You'll be no good to anyone, especially yourself. I'm not telling you to give up on love, just give up on her love.

If she doesn't want you, some other gal will. Remember that, "Men and women are like trains, another one will be along in a few minutes. If a train doesn't stop at your station, it wasn't your train."

No matter what happens in life she will always be your first love and will hold a special place in your heart. Just don't let her keep breaking it. You'll run out of crazy glue. Better to let someone else in to keep and keep the heart pumping with love that's returned.

Good luck. It's not easy to walk away from a first love. But it's definitely better to walk away then to keep walking into walls.

Q & A: "I was dumped by the man of my dreams"

2008-04-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

Q: I took your workshop last week and I want to share something. I went out to run errands and just got back. My first stop was the coffee shop to pick up a cup while I ran around. I remembered what you said in the workshop about how to walk and smile and just open up. So I did that. Nothing special happened at the coffee shop but I FELT WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT. It's so true. When I'm in my body, in the moment, instead of being a woman on a mission it truly does feel different. It's enjoyable and, even though I was in my sloppy jeans and shirt, I felt sexy! I then went to Kinko's to make copies and stayed in that space of receptivity the very young check out guy called me a beautiful blond and then, when I was making a left hand turn a gentleman stopped his car so I could get into the lane I wanted. He was very nice and smiling. It was great. Thank you. Now I understand what it means to stop being an alpha female and "bee." - Another of New Queen Bees

Dear Another of New Queen Bees,
Thank you for your lovely note. The more "Bees" the better. I do hope you're wearing your tiara. It positively goes everywhere and with everything.

Q: Thank you so much for answering my letter "not just friends". I know you get numerous requests for advice and help everyday. The fact that you chose mine is very special to me. I value your advice and guidance. Since I have been visiting your website I have made great improvements in the way I view and handle relationships. You have made a BIG difference in not only my life but in the lives of countless other people. When I am ready to have "the talk," I will heed your wise words. I brag to all my friends about your website and encourage everyone I know to visit you.- Hoping to Love Better

Dear Hoping to Love Better,
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I receive a lot of mail. And, although I read each letter, I am not able to answer all of them personally.

For those of you who want to be sure of an answer to your dating problem or relationship crisis, click advice now. For a small fee, you will receive an answer usually within 48 hours.

Or if you want to talk to me, call my radio show on KRLA called Dating, Relating and Mating on Sunday nights between 10pm - midnight PDT. It's always open phones. The toll-free number from anywhere in the U.S. is 1-866-870-KRLA.

Q: How does a woman reconcile the idea of "guarding or protecting your heart" and "embracing/displaying your feminine vulnerability?" This is the missing link. - Recovering Alpha Female

Dear Recovering Alpha Female,
In order to be feminine and vulnerable, you have to trust and be trusting. First you have to trust yourself and love yourself enough to believe that you can have what you want. Once you have self-love, you gain a certain standard and a level of expectation of what is acceptable to you in your life and in love. And, you won't allow yourself to be treated any lower than that expectation. Knowing this, you are able to embrace your feminine vulnerability because you know and accept who you are and are clear about your expectations.

You can be trusting (out in the world) only when you trust yourself. I hope this helps. It gratifies me so much to know that you are a recovering Alpha Female. Go girl! Break down the walls and let the love flow both in and out.

Q: I was dumped by the man of my dreams. He said that my sarcastic edge could be abrasive and that I too often said hurtful things in anger. And, he felt as if I did not provide enough affection. Looking back, he tried in many ways to indicate what was wrong, but I ignored the problems.

After he walked away, I began some serious self-examination. I came to understand that he was right and have made significant changes in my life and my behavior. My dating relationships, as well as those with my family, friends, and co-workers have drastically improved.

I have stayed in touch with my ex and would like another chance. I have never attempted to rekindle, uncertain if there is any hope to recover love gone bad or maybe fear of rejection. Is there a chance to "win" him back?- Love Gone Bad

Dear Love Gone Bad,
Great question. First of all, be thankful and grateful for this man coming into your life because he helped you realize that you didn't want to be angry, alone and an alpha female anymore. The break-up served as a catalyst and a wake-up call.

Now that you're awake, you can really come from a loving place. You can be the vulnerable, risking, loving, feminine woman that you really are. Can love gone bad become good again? Perhaps, but you have to be willing to risk - loving, being loved and being hurt. Are you really willing? Only you know the answer to this question. My crystal ball is in the shop for repair today.

This is what I know. No one can reject you but you. If he has moved on in his life and doesn't want to try again, then don't take it personally. He isn't rejecting you, but rather, he's made a decision about himself and what he wants in his life. If this turns out to be the case, then experience the total lesson, learn from it, and move on.

Remember, if the train doesn't stop at your station, then it wasn't your train and the man you really want wasn't on it.

The second thing I know. People never regret what they do; they only regret what they don't do. Don't live in a world of regrets. It gives you wrinkles and insomnia.

The only way you'll ever know if love gone bad can become good again is to take a chance on love. Good luck. Let me know what happens. Both my readers and me want to know.

Q: My girlfriend told me not to call her anymore because I call too much. What should I do?- Call Too Much

Dear Call Too Much,
Listen to her because she's telling you how she feels. Stop calling or your girlfriend could become your ex-girlfriend. Instead of calling her, go shoot some hoops, read a book, go for a run, lift weights, do push-ups, or mentor a kid. Do something constructive. Expand your life. And, if you don't have a life, create one.

Q: I am a sophomore in high school and I have never had a girlfriend. I am not super attractive (very skinny and pretty shy). On a scale of 1-10, based on looks, I see myself as maybe a 5. I want to know if you could give me some tips on how to get a girl, some say it is confidence, but I don't know. I am so confused. What do girls my age mostly look for in a guy? Also can you give me any tips on how not to be shy when first meeting a girl? I'm afraid of being rejected, looking stupid, and not knowing what to do or say.-Afraid to Approach a Girl

Dear Afraid to Approach a Girl,
The first way not to be shy is take back your power. Instead of giving your power away and wondering if she will like you, ask yourself the really important question - will you like her? This gives you a whole new attitude and puts you in the driver seat.

As Wally Amos (of Famous Amos Cookies) said, "It is your mental attitude which creates results in your life." So have the new attitude that whatever happens when you walk up to her and talk to her, you won't take it personally. Whether it's wonderful and she loves you or she's not interested, don't be invested in the results. Stay focused on the process and connecting with her - let the outcome take care of itself.

For example: Kobe and Shaq of the Lakers practice shooting baskets. Before they shoot, they focus on the basket and making the shot. But once they shoot - they no longer focus on making the basket (the result) - their bodies and souls are together focusing on the process of shooting. They know they have done everything they can to make the shot, so they just shoot and let the outcome take care of itself.
You see, if you're attached to the outcome of being liked, your fears will act as a wall preventing you from being yourself and so you will be awkward. And you'll act as if you're under a microscope. No one does well under a microscope, believe me.

Here are my two best tips:
1. No matter what happens - don't take it personally. It's not about you.
2. Don't make assumptions. Don't assume she's not going to like you. You're not inside her head. Assumptions only get you in trouble. The reason you have a mouth and ears are so you can connect and communicate with another soul, so you can speak your mind, ask for what you want and, so you can both listen and hear what someone else is saying. (Here's the deal-if you're listening to the voices in your head telling you you're not good enough you're not paying attention to the gal who is front of you and what she is saying).
How to walk up to a girl: don't be desperate and don't be needy. Make it be easy. Remember you're in the driver's seat. Act like it's no big deal. The best pick up line for a guy is "Hi." Then tell her she has a pretty smile or sparkling blue, green, brown eyes. Have a brief conversation, perk her interest, maintain a 'tude, then leave. Just give her enough to whet her appetite. Next time you see her, smile and talk with her a little more.

Shyness is a state of mind. Get a new attitude. Write down the 5 things that are really terrific about you and that includes your honesty, integrity, kind heart, caring nature, brains, athletic ability, a good friend, funny, a good listener, a good dancer, knows music, plays an instrument, and anything else that is true. Now, how would you feel if a girl with those characteristics were interested in you? I bet you'd feel pretty terrific.

Keep that list with you at all times and put one in your room or on the bathroom mirror. Use that list to help you form your new attitude. Then start practicing smiling and saying hello to girls. Remember whether they smile back or not, it doesn't matter because you don't take it personally. It takes practice to become good at anything and everything, and dating is no exception.

Q & A: "cut off relations with him and tell him 'friends' don't have sex?"

2008-04-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

Q: My boyfriend of 2 ½ years just told me that he needs space. He won't tell me why, he just said that it has nothing to do with me, and that he needs time to hang around his friends. I tried to make him talk to me but that just seems to make things worse. The only thing that happens is that we end up in a fight because I am pushing him to talk to me. One day he says he misses me, the next day he says he is confused. I have asked him if he wants to end it and he doesn't want to, but I can't take the push and pull. He has been asking for this space for 2 weeks and I keep calling him trying to get him to talk to me and he won't. All he keeps asking for is " when are you going to give me my space?" I will make things up to talk about and that makes it worse because we really have nothing to talk about. I am so lost and would like some advice.-Confused in LA

Dear Confused in LA,
If you can't take the push and pull, then stop it. He's only pulling away because you're pushing at him. What happens when you run after a cat? It runs away. And when you stop chasing it and stand still, it comes back to you.

There is nothing more difficult in the world than when a man asks for some space. Immediately, almost everyone woman on the planet (except the confident and secure women) goes ballistic when she hears those four awful words, "give me my space."

He's made a request. If you care about him and the relationship, then you will honor his request. Stop calling him. He doesn't want to talk to you right now, that's why he wants some space. The more you push the more you're going to drive him away.

His needing space is not about you. It's about him and his needs. But you think it's about you. And you want to make it about you. Stop it. I know this is painful and hurting your heart, but unless you want to employ Gestapo tactics to make him talk, leave him alone. He'll talk to you when he's ready.

Have some self-respect. Show some self-love. Be the wonderful, confident, Queen Bee that he fell in love with 2 ½ years ago and whom he has shared his life with these last two years. Stop calling him. Stop running after him. Be unavailable. At times like this you need your girlfriends. Let them take care of you and nurture you. That's what girlfriends are for. Back off completely. Let him pursue you.

Q: I have been "friends" with a guy for one year and 3 months. We see each other, are best friends, and sleep together. He told me up front that he did not want a commitment and that he valued our "friendship." He said that relationships ruin everything. We have both been hurt a lot in the past. His words say one thing while his actions say something else. He is very attentive and protective of me. He is jealous and does not like to hear about other guys. He tells me he doesn't date anyone except me. He buys me things, does a lot for me and is very generous with his time. What should I believe? The words or the actions? I care for him very much. He is smart, funny sensitive and cute. I want more from the relationship but I don't want to lose him. Should I draw a line in the sand and ask for a commitment or should I cut off relations with him and tell him "friends" don't have sex?-Not Just Friends

Dear Not Just Friends,
It seems to me that he is committed to you in many ways and that you have a "relationship", but because of his relationship history he is terrified of calling it a "relationship" and making a commitment. Unless you've faithfully taken your ESP pills for at least 20 years, don't make an assumption. Use your mouth and ask him what he thinks there is between you.

This is what I think. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and acts like a duck, then it must be a duck. Feel free to use this analogy. "A rose by any other name…" Once you've both established the fact and agreed that you're in a relationship, and then you can discuss taking it to the next level. To easy his commitment fears, play show and tell. Go over the last 15 months and show him how different, for both of you, this relationship has been.

Be vulnerable, not defensive. When you're vulnerable, open and sensitive, you give him permission and the opportunity to open his heart, take off his hero armor, be vulnerable with you and talk about his fears. Just as you can't push the river, you can't push a man. It won't work, so you might as well not even try.

As far as using sex as a weapon to get him off the fence, do you really want to force him into a commitment? I don't think so. You're better than that, aren't you? Do you want him to commit willingly or do you want that commitment any way you can get it? Get very clear before you have the conversation with him. If I were you, I would come from a loving space and not from a fearful place. I would come from the place that you're talking with your lover and best friend, and know that you are both really playing on the same team and, want to same results. If you don't want the same results, then one of you needs to be traded to another team. Let me know how it turns out.

Q: I am gay, first of all. About 3 years ago, I met a guy who became my roommate for 5 months. We had a blast living together. He then got back together with a previous boyfriend and it was at that time that I realized that I had fallen for him. I came clean and told him this. He was fine with it for a while, although he admitted that he didn't have those feelings for me. And then he abruptly told me about 2 weeks after my confession that he didn't want to be my friend anymore and moved out. I have not really seen him since.

About 2 years have gone by and I still think about him all the time. I have definitely moved on with my life, but he is still so strongly in my heart. Last night I saw his car at an event that I went to and my heart just sank. It hurt. I was almost in physical pain it hurt so much. I could feel my heart beating and my hands shaking. My question is: Will I ever be over him? What do I have to do to rid him from my memory? I hate the fact that every time I see a car like his, I automatically look at the license plate to see if it is his car. After two years it still hurts.

What do I need to do to get past this? I have definitely moved on with my life. I have a new roommate now. I am working in a successful career. I have a ton of friends. I date occasionally. I am happy in other aspects of my life, but this one never seems to get any easier. -Still Hurting

Dear Still Hurting,
You say you have moved on with your life, but I don't think so. You're still obsessing over a relationship that ended two years ago. Your preoccupation with him is preventing you from living today. Feel your feelings but don't let them rule you. You can feel bad but you don't have to park there. It will take work but you can do it.

I know how horrible you feel, I've been there. We've all been there. There is nothing worse than loving someone and not having those feelings returned. But, you don't have to continue torturing yourself - that's a conscious choice.

Remember one of my cardinal rules. You only love those who love you.

Start loving yourself and begin making self-respect deposits in your internal bank. Once your start loving yourself, you'll come to realize that you don't really want someone who doesn't love you back. You'll realize that it's a waste of time, energy and your life.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you did write to me for advice and I'm always honest. So here goes. Two years of living in misery is long enough. Stop looking for his car. Stop looking for ways to make yourself miserable. Start finding ways to make yourself happy and enjoy life. Let it go. Let go of the dream. He has already moved on with his life. Don't you think you should do the same?

Q & A: "relationships never seem to work out for me"

2008-04-16T15:05:00.003-07:00

Q: I have a big problem - relationships never seem to work out for me. Every time without fail, it just never seems to work out. I have given my all, but it just hasn't worked out.

Earlier this year I asked a girl I've known for a few years to go out with me. We had been sidestepping each other for a few months, and everyone could see that we were more than friends. The thing is she is really involved in her academics and school life. Me, I'm a total opposite, so naturally I've got more time on my hands than she does.

I asked her out and got good and bad results: She said that she just didn't have time for a boyfriend, but she did like me too and she did want to go out with me, but just not now. I was satisfied, and we decided that we wouldn't go out, but just be together, and both wait till school is over and then go out properly and officially.

Things went well for a month but now exams have started and she doesn't have time for me anymore. She needs to concentrate on her schoolwork. She said that we should just be good friends for the moment, but I can't go back to the way things were a few months ago (can you ever go back?). After what we've shared I can't go back. She is the best girl I've ever met, and I really wanted things to work out well. I just couldn't believe what was happening and still can't because things were going so well.

I just feel that someone like her doesn't come along twice in a lifetime, and I don't want to lose her. I asked her again if she'd want to go out after school was finished and now she says she doesn't know what she'll want in six months. What can I do to make things work out for me? -Waiting

Dear Waiting,
I know you really like this girl, but you need to get a life. You've made her your entire life and now she's busy. Right now you're too dependent on her. What an opportunity for you to spend the next six months creating your own life. This will do several things for you: give you back your self-respect and build some self-esteem, give you a goal to work towards and achieve, and, (this is probably the most important to you) make you more attractive to her. In six months when you have a life, you'll have something to share with her and bring to the relationship. You'll be interesting again because you'll be vibrant, alive and filled with passion.

Q: I love your site. I am a South American transplant. I have read your archive top to bottom and I have been following your advice. I met a wonderful man almost (also from another traditional culture) four months ago. He moved out ten months ago from a really bad whirlwind six-month marriage after only knowing her for six months. He has been legally divorced for about two months. We have become close friends as I patiently listened to him process his "failed marriage". It is obvious to me that he likes me for more than friendship, yet he has told me that he is not ready for another committed relationship yet. He also does not want to lose me. He has respected me like a complete gentleman not wanting to "use" me because he says he values me too much. I am falling hard for this guy since I have never met a nicer human being and I have been divorced for eleven years waiting for a real man like this one.

I am a woman of principles and moral values and I am happy that he respects me. However, I would like some minimal affection. He says he could not do that without moving to the next level in our relationship, which would involve an exclusive commitment because he is not ready for that yet. My question is: How long do I wait for more? I cannot seem to shut down my already lit heart, yet I am being asked to be patient and be just friends and let things happen naturally! It is a little like torture to me yet I have nothing better going on, nor do I want to miss the chance of this being the right one.

I've used your connect the dots and the only missing piece is the passion. Should I ask him for a time out for me to think and see if I can just be friends? Should I just grin and bear it and enjoy his wonderful friendship?--Sleepless in San Diego

Dear Sleepless in San Diego,
Thank you. I'm glad you like my site and have found my advice useful. I don't think you're going to like the advice I'm going to give you.

This man is not ready for a relationship. He's already told you that. He is being honest and respectful. He already jumped into the fire once; he doesn't want history to repeat itself. He's taking his time.

Is the passion missing or is there passion and connection between the two of you but it's not being acted upon? If you can honestly handle being "just" his friend right now, then chill out, enjoy the friendship and let it progress. You can't push the river and you can't push this man. I would also start dating other men. Men sometimes rise to their sense of competition. Since you're not in an exclusive relationship, be the free agent that you are.

If you can't handle being friends, then distance yourself but keep the connection going. Don't cut him off completely. And don't let your frustration about where the relationship isn't going right now impact on the friendship the two of you have built. Good luck.

Q: I would like some advice on how to tell if a man is just shy or not interested? I am shy as well and there is someone I like, but he has a tendency to avoid me in person or seem distant in his responses to my e-mails. Sometimes when I look at him, he looks off immediately. He does know that I like him, but I am unsure of what he is telling me. I appreciate any advice you might have.-Shy Girl

Dear Shy Girl,
Let's look at the evidence. He avoids you in person and is distant in his emails. I'd say that he is telling you that he's not interested. He may be shy, but he also appears not interested.

I'd stop emailing him. You're pursuing him and doing his job. Do you want to be a Queen Bee or a Wannabe? It's your choice. Answer these questions. Does running after him bring you satisfaction or frustration? Do you like the way he is treating you? If the answer is no, then why are you continuing to run after him? If you decided to become a Queen Bee, you might be less frustrated and a whole lot happier. Let me know what happens.

Q & A: "I've made every mistake a woman could make in terms of attracting a man"

2008-04-16T15:05:00.001-07:00

Q: I think I've made every mistake a woman could make in terms of attracting a man. There's this guy I am interested on who I asked out last week. He said yes. I really blew the phone conversation when we talked before he left for a business trip (we were scheduled to get together after his trip). I made one mistake after another, showing off as an Alpha Female, then minimizing his ego when I found out he had been previously divorced. I was not being a good listener, not making him feel admired, basically. To top it off, I gave away my power of choice when I left a message for him on his phone saying I was sorry, that it was my first time asking a guy out and I just said all the wrong things because I was so nervous. I ended that message by asking for a second chance and leaving my number, adding that there would be no hard feelings if he didn't want to. ARGH, should I just expect him to not call me and move on or is there some bit of hope and possibility left in this mess I've created? I really like him!-Regretful in LA LA Land

Dear Regretful in LA LA Land,
Yes, you made a lot of Alpha Female mistakes. But being an Alpha Female doesn't have to be terminal. The good news is that you recognize your mistakes / alpha traits and will have another opportunity to practice being a feminine female. The bad news is that you're probably going to practice on someone else.

I know you really like him. The real problem is that you like and value him more than you like and value yourself. That's why you're willing to do anything to get him to be in your life.

Want to expect something? Learn by this situation and expect to do better next time. Don't call him. Don't email him. Don't be regretful, be grateful that he came into your life and gave you this opportunity to see how you operate in relationship. Learn the lesson and move on. (Don't continue to beat yourself up.) Men are like trains, another one will come along. The question I have for you is what do you need to do to learn the lesson so you don't repeat the same mistake again and again with the next man or men?

Read or reread my dating tips for women about how to stop being an alpha female. Having once been an Alpha Female, I know it's really hard to change our tendencies. Hard but not impossible. Yes, Regretful there is hope for you. As I said before, being Alpha isn't terminal. It takes work to become feminine again. You may want to get some coaching on this to help you become more confident with yourself and to help you avoid making the same kind of mistakes with the next guy. To set up a coaching session with me, call 310.394.2647. I promise you that there is feminine light at the end of the tunnel.

Q: I have been dating the same girl for a little over seven months which is a long time for me. Lately she has been acting weird, and I want to know what is wrong. She says nothing but I know that there is something wrong. This game is getting old.-Wanting It the Way It Used To Be.

Dear Wanting it the Way It Used To Be,
It takes two to play the game. If this game is getting old, stop playing it. Create a really safe environment that makes it safe for her to reveal her feelings. Be conscious to honor her feelings. Tell her that you've noticed the relationship has changed. Don't tell her that she's been acting weird. If you do, she won't feel safe to talk; she'll feel like you are judging her.

Let her know that you treasure her and make her feel special. Then ask her if something is wrong and if there is something she needs from you. Then close your mouth and open your ears. Listen to her and let her know that you are listening to her feelings. If she says nothing is wrong, believe her and let it go.

Things will either get better or they won't after "your talk." Hopefully, she will feel safe enough to let you know what's bothering her (that is, if she knows and she's not afraid of intimacy) and you two can deal with it. Or, if there is nothing wrong, you can let it go. This little relationship roadblock will strengthen your relationship and may clarify the direction of it.

Q & A: "A male friend of mine told me that I'm an alpha female"

2008-04-16T15:03:00.000-07:00

Q: A male friend of mine told me that I'm an alpha female and that I should check out your site. I would agree that I'm a strong person. I carry myself well. I'm confident, in control, athletic and independent. I wear jeans and I wear dresses and heels. I think I can be soft and sexy when I want to be, but for the most part I am in control and emotionally aggressive.

I personally believe that I have to be in control, independent and aggressive because if I'm not, guys will think that they can walk all over me. I'm upfront in my feelings and honest. Is that a turn off? Perhaps. I also play sports. Well, if that doesn't scream masculine, I don't know what else does. So what to do? Be soft and a bimbo so guys will think I'm easy and available? Is it possible that I'm this "alpha female" because I purposely avoid those unwanted advances? Is it also possible to be this sexy vixen when I'm in a relationship and an "alpha" when I'm not? Case in point, my last relationship I was a vixen and enjoyed dressing and being the "girl" in the relationship. But since I'm not in one, why would I behave in this manner and for whom? Don't misunderstand, I enjoy dressing sexy for me as well and I do on occasion.

I guess my question for you is that I don't think I'm a 100% alpha female. But how do I know for sure and what is wrong with being strong, independent and athletic?-Am I an Alpha Female

Dear Am I an Alpha Female,
First of all, feminine women are strong, athletic and independent. They just don't shove their self-sufficiency and independence in a guy's face. Feminine women are powerful women because they trust themselves, are self-assured, and have a lot of self-esteem. They don't allow men to treat them as doormats or walk all over them. Feminine women have too much respect for themselves to put up with such poor treatment from guys. As a woman, you don't have to put up with a guy disrespecting you. You simply make the decision not to see him anymore. One of my cardinal rules is that men and women are like trains. Another one will be along in five minutes. In order for that to be true, you have to believe it. And if you believe it, you won't, even for a minute, put up with consistently bad behavior from any guy.
Being a feminine woman is not about how you dress, but about who you are on the inside; what you believe about yourself; what you believe you deserve, what you believe about men; whether you trust men or not; your expectations, and your willingness or unwillingness to be your real authentic feminine self. Being a feminine woman is about "bee-ing." Being a Queen Bee, being the "girl." It's the guy's job, not yours to "do."

The reason you want to control and have a need to be aggressive, emotionally and probably intellectually, is because you're afraid that nothing will happen if you don't make it happen. If you gave up control you would have to step into the abyss of the unknown and wait for a man to give to you instead of you doing all the giving. That's pretty scary. What's your biggest fear? That no man will give to you? Or, that you're invisible? That he won't notice you and, therefore, won't find you?

If you started to like and love yourself more, then you wouldn't have to run around trying to control everything and everyone. And, you would allow yourself to receive. Receiving is one of the greatest gifts you can give a man.

You don't become feminine just to get a guy. If you do, you're just playing a game and cheating yourself and him. As long as you're playing a game and wearing the mask of femininity, then you really won't be soft, vulnerable, and feminine. Femininity is your true nature. When you allow it to come out, you're just being who you really are. The Alpha Female has spent years sharpening her masculine characteristics to make herself successful in school and business, but in the process she has built a wall around her heart and forgotten her true feminine self.

Thank you for writing to me. Your Alpha / Feminine struggle is one that millions of women face.

Q: I am concerned. I am a 33 year-old male who recently began dating a 31 year-old female. We've gone on over 5 dates and have had a great time together. However, she does not allow me to put my arm around her, let alone kiss her. I am concerned she has some mental baggage, but don't want to push the issue this early in the relationship. This seems quite conservative to me, especially in "modern times". What do you think?-Pushy or Baggage

Dear Pushy or Baggage,
Did you ever think that because she likes you she may not want to rush into being loose with her lips and hips? Often the best relationships are those that start off as friends first. And for your information, the first kiss is really the most intimate moment you will share because it is the first time your bodies connect. Why waste it? Better to look forward to it?

Don't rush to judgment and think that something "must" be wrong with her because she's a woman who respects herself and doesn't have to follow the trends of modern times. In my opinion, you're a very lucky guy to be dating her. She's very special. If I were you, I'd let her know it too before someone other guy realizes just how special she is.

Q: I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. We just committed to being exclusive and we are not yet intimate. It has been a while since I dated someone and I have no idea what the stages/steps that a relationship will go through. For example, how often should he call? Is it expected that we will be together on the weekends? Level of intimacy?-New to Commitment

Dear New to Commitment,
Obviously he called often enough for you to agree to a committed relationship, so why do you want him to change his behavior now? Are you suffering from the I love you, you're perfect, now change syndrome? Like many women, once you get into a relationship with a guy, do you want to make him over? Forget about it. He comes as is, as you do. You are attracted to each other for who you are, not what you can make each other become. If it's important to you to have him call a certain number of times per week, let him know that you really like talking with him and that you look forward to his calls. Don't tell him how many times he should call.

As for being together on the weekend, you can expect to see him Saturday night. Saturday night is usually date night. And you'll probably want to spend one of the days together. Remember to be open and flexible. Relationships are not fixed, they grow and develop. Relationships have their own rhythm. Often the biggest mistake men and women make when they get in a new relationship is to rush and push for deep intimacy too quickly.

I'm glad that you two haven't slept together yet. It's a healthy sign that you're committed to first getting to know each other's mind and spirit. Once you two sleep together, your relationship will be forever changed.

Relationships do go through stages and the length of each stage depends on the people involved. The first stage is the honeymoon phase where everything is wonderful. You think and wish it would last forever. But it doesn't. Reality sets in, which is the next stage. That's where you really start to find out about the other person. You begin to notice that your partner isn't perfect anymore (and he notices the same about you). This is where the relationship really starts to grow because both of you will face challenges and your own "stuff" will come up. How each of you deal with your stuff, as well as how you deal with your stuff as a couple, will determine where the relationship goes. You're bonding, learning to trust each other, and becoming more vulnerable with each other.

Once you get through this phase, the foundation of your relationship becomes stronger and your relationship as a couple really begins to blossom. This takes you to the next level. At some point in this next level the two of you will decide the future of your relationship and the level of your commitment.

Q: I'm still very close with my ex even though we have been broken up for over a year now. She's interested in another guy, but I still have feelings for her. We hang out and talk a lot. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stand the feeling when she's with a new person. What should I do?-Still Care about the Ex

Dear Still Care about the Ex,
You're still caring a torch for her. It takes courage mi amigo to be honest with yourself and admit your true feelings. Congratulate yourself for your courage. As Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true." It's time to move on, she has but you haven't. You can still be friends but significantly reduce the amount of time you spend together and on the phone. My hit is that as long as she is in your life, you may look at another woman but you've only got eyes for her. If you're really that close, don't just walk. Tell her why you're backing away. She'll appreciate your honesty and your friendship.

If you two are such good friends and really enjoy each other, any chance of you two working things out and getting back together? I've had great success working with couples and helping them to work out their problems. If you both would like to do some coaches counseling, give me a call at 310.394.2647.

Q: I'm 18 and I went out with this girl for almost a year. I think I truly loved her. She was the only one I felt was special in my life. We broke up last year but never really closed things. We left on the thought that we would try again when we got back to school. We didn't, although we remained friends and hung out a lot while at school. However I still think I love her and would like to get back together with her. When we came home for Christmas vacation we never really talked much or hung out. About a week after being home she got mad because I wasn't phoning her. About a month ago, on spring break, she was partying, got drunk and made out with another guy, whom she knows I hate. I found out she didn't want me to know about her and this guy. I'm just wondering if you think I should try and get her back. And if so, what should I do? Should I Win her Back

Dear Should I Win her Back,
The answer is a resounding yes. What are you waiting for? You absolutely love and adore this girl, so go for it. And I think she just may be still crazy about you. Ask her for a date and take her to her favorite restaurant. Or, do something special and take her to an amusement park, ice-skating, on a hike to a waterfall, or a concert of her favorite artist.

When you call her and ask her out, tell her that you've been thinking about her a lot. You want to see if you two are soul mates (women love the idea of soul mates). And, that you both owe it to yourself and each other to give the relationship another chance. Whatever you do, be your charming authentic self - the man she fell in love with the first time. The way to a woman's heart is by cherishing her and making her feel special. Good luck.

Q & A: "I am checking my phone and email ever second for him to call"

2008-04-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

Q: About five years ago I met a wonderful guy. I was a 23-year old college student and he was a 26-year-old college graduate. Things were wonderful from the start until after he got a new job and moved to a new city over 100 miles away. We both visited each other the first three weeks, and then he abruptly broke up with me.

Fast forward to today…after many counseling sessions and a few boyfriends later. I still couldn't understand the break up after all this time. It really bothered me so I decided to write to this ex to ask him if he could explain it to me now that we are older. The obstacle (I thought) in getting the information that I wanted was that he was married, last I heard. So I mentioned in my letter that I realized that he was married and that I would have contacted an old mutual friend of ours to ask about him but that the friend always gave me biased information because he wanted to date/marry me. Well, my ex was not married and had not been for 3 years, and he called me immediately upon receiving my letter.

We have rekindled a friendship because he has a girlfriend, and I now live 2,000 miles away. I will see him in nine days when I go home for vacation, and it will be wonderful to see him. My questions are: Do I avoid conversations about his girlfriend and his ex-wife? Should I try to be his friend only or be totally honest about my desire to date him again some day?

We have both reminisced in e-mails about the really good times in our relationship. When I did, I'd ask him if it was okay for me to say the things I was saying because they were pretty racy. His response was that he's not married and that I can say just about anything I want. I feel like I'm teetering on a fence of being either a wanton slut or a good girl. Well, I mean I don't know what behavior would be inappropriate in this situation.-Reconnecting with an Old Ex

Dear Reconnecting with an old Ex,
Congratulations on taking the risk. Most people wouldn't have your courage. At the end of the day, most people, who are filled with regrets, regret what they didn't do, never what they did do. I'm glad that, rather than wondering what could have been, you decided to find out what can be.

If you're teetering, then get off the fence. Keep your mouth and your legs closed. It's not necessary to talk about his ex-wife and it's totally inappropriate to sleep with him. Good girl, when she's real, authentic, and is not "pretending" to be a good girl in order to "lure" man, is the honest and self-respecting way to go.

If there still is chemistry between the two of you when you meet face to face, then you both need to have a "conversation" about his status. If I were you, I'd be totally honest and wouldn't play any games - there is something wonderfully irresistible about a woman who is honest and vulnerable. (If you don't believe me, go see the movie Bridget Jones's Diary). I'd go for it. You've waited five years to see this man again. Either the two of you will close the book and move on, or you'll open a whole new chapter.

Good luck. I know how you feel. After many years, I reconnected with my college boyfriend. The chemistry and magic were still there but the timing wasn't right, so we didn't pursue a relationship. Timing is everything. However, by reconnecting, neither one of us had to live in a world of regret. Let me know what happens.

Q: I wish I could transpose your knowledge into my head. Something that I feel may be absent in your writings from my male perspective on dating and seeking a mate is a quality of a good hunter is to "know one's prey." To hunt a Unicorn one must study the Unicorn. Know the Unicorn and ultimately be able to become the Unicorn. What are your thoughts on that? Would that not tend to complicate things?-Being the Hunter

Dear Being the Hunter,
Your choice of the word "Unicorn" is indeed indicative of the high regard you hold for women. The unicorn, a fabled mythical and magical creature, is considered quite unique and special, much in the same way that women should be regarded.

Men and women are wired differently and, as a result, we often look at the world through very different eyes. And because of that, our experiences are different. A man and a woman may be in the same situation, but experience it differently. The man usually experiences it through his head while the woman through her heart. Because one person is thinking and the other is feeling, both will have a different experience of the event.

I believe the key to better relationships is to genuinely like the opposite sex. No matter how confounding their behaviors may seem, just love and appreciate your partner for who she or he is. The more you can learn about your partner, the more you can give to her and visa versa. Learning can take place in a variety of ways: through interactions, observation, reading and taking classes, doing your own growth work, asking questions, and by becoming more secure within yourself. When you are secure within yourself, you usually don't take what your partner does personally and you don't make assumptions. You become proactive and responsive instead of being reactive.

You will never totally understand a woman because you can never become quite like a woman. A Native American saying sums it up nicely, "You can never know someone until you walk in their moccasins." Aren't you glad you'll never have to wear high heels? But I bet you'll read the owner's manual. You sound like a great guy.

Q: I have a couple of questions. My marriage ended recently after 18+ years. My ex-husband was more interested in other women than he was with me. Each time he would find faults with me that he would compare to his current "love." He made sure I understood where I was lacking and how. Well, he moved out and the divorce is final, but now he is trying to come back. I can't seem to make him understand that I don't want a serious relationship with him any more. I don't want to be rude (it's not in my nature) but I can't make him understand (without hitting him over the head) that we are done with anything more serious than just a friendship. He does come to visit and calls almost every day, especially on the weekends. He pretends that we are just friends, but his actions speak loudly that he thinks that he is back in my love life. He did agree that we could be friends as long as I don't "sleep" with anyone else. (controlling)

My bigger problem is that I am not sure if I am ready to date. I want to but I feel stupid and embarrassed. And I don't want to tell the ex that if I do it's none of his business. One person did ask me for my phone number (after several months of trying for it in many different ways) and I didn't handle turning him down very well (I wasn't divorced yet). Now I am wishing that he would try again, but I don't think that he will. I think that I am going to have to let him know somehow that if he asks again I would give it to him, but I don't know how, without appearing embarrassed and desperate. Not to mention that a couple of his friends are my subordinates at work, and they keep dropping subtle hints. I want to say that I am interested without them knowing, but I'm afraid and out of practice with reading the "signs". My girlfriend tells me that he is (or was) very interested but I wasn't seeing it. I am afraid that I will get mixed up with someone like the ex or worse.
I would prefer to start with something simple like coffee, but how do I tell him? What do I do?-Confused, Scared and Starting Over…Again

Dear Confused, Scared and Starting Over…Again,
I know you're trying to be the "good girl" and please everyone, but why don't you start with yourself? If you don't want your ex-husband to call you everyday please tell him so in a nice way. If he still doesn't get it, then communicate it in a way that he understands that you no longer have any romantic interest in him. Let him know that's why he is called an "ex." If he needs an explanation, tell him "Ex mean former, past, no longer in the present, once upon a time." If he doesn't get the message then get an unlisted phone number. He'll get the hint.

I know that you are confused and scared about starting over. Dating, especially after being out of the trenches for so many years, is hard. It's particularly difficult when you have been with a man who deliberately tore you down verbally and attempted to destroy your self-esteem and self-respect. Girlfriend, you don't need someone like that in your life. This is April. You know what that means? Spring-cleaning. Clean this man out of your life now.

As for the new guy, check in with yourself right now. Are you emotionally available? If the answer is no and you don't feel you are ready to date, then don't. Take the time to heal. As for turning the other guy down, you made the right decision. You weren't emotionally available at the time.

If you are feeling emotionally healthy, then you won't be feeling desperate. If you aren't needy, you won't send out a needy vibe. As for being embarrassed, we've all been there. Who hasn't made a fool out of him/herself in the dating trenches? I know I have. I dated stupid for a gazillion years until I learned how to date smart. Goethe says, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." You will survive the embarrassment. Now, if you really do want to go out with this man, and you're not playing the game called I want to see if I can get you to ask me out again and when you do, I'll play the confused, helpless, not ready to go out yet woman, then let him know directly (not through the others at work).

Remember, you turned him down once. He took a risk and you rejected him. Now you need to take a risk. Next time you see him, give him a really big, friendly and inviting smile. That gives him the sign that it's okay to enter friendly territory. Then, once you two start engaging in conversation, let him know that you are a free woman now and see if he picks up on it. If he asks you out, tell him you'd love to go out with him. After the first date, if you've had a good time and you agree to go out again, let him know that you want to take things slow and build a friendship. Be honest and vulnerable and let him know that it's been more than eighteen years since you've had a first or second date.

Q: I met this guy in New Orleans on our last night there. The whole night we played "married". He is not the kind of guy I would normally be attracted to, appearance wise. He lives in California, I live in Colorado. We had an amazing time together. He was already getting attached. We have been talking for the past couple weeks through email and over the phone. I am checking my phone and email ever second for him to call. I fell for him fast. The past couple days I have been a drama queen with him. He has done a fine job at dealing with my moodiness. I think I like him more than he likes me because of the time and effort I put in, his is not equal. I have never felt this connection with anyone else. He is not a phone person and that irritates me, as that is all we have. I tried to tell him we shouldn't talk anymore in fear that the hurt is too big in the long run. This upsets him, but I don't know what else to do except protect myself from this maybe love.-Afraid of a Maybe Love

Dear Afraid of a Maybe Love,
Is playing married a euphemism for having sex? If so, you started this relationship backwards. You had the dessert before you could even enjoy the meal. The reason dessert comes after the meal is so you have something to look forward to. Oh well, that's in the past. In your case, being in a long distance relationship is a good thing. The distance will give you the opportunity to connect on a different level. You will have to use your minds, mouths and hearts and not your bodies.

Stop being a drama queen. A healthy man will only put up with it for so long. You're trying to push him away because you're scared. He knows you're afraid and he's trying to be there. Although he's not a phone person, he has called which means he cares. Stop finding fault with what he doesn't do and start appreciating what he does do. If you don't learn this lesson now, you'll push everyman away because you'll make every man wrong.

Even though there is a possibility that your heart could be broken, if you don't keep your heart open, love will never have the opportunity to come in and fill you up. Walls of fear keep people out and they also keep you walled in. You don't want to live your life hiding behind walls do you?

As far as checking your phone and email every minute - get a life. If you have nothing to do, then to take your mind off of him, do some volunteer work. Read to a child, visit a senior citizen's home, or help feed the homeless. The best way to forget your problems is to reach out and start giving to someone else to help make their day and life a little brighter. You'll be amazed at how much better you'll feel.

By the way, the last time I checked a map, Colorado and California weren't on the opposite ends of the earth.

Q: I want this girl but she was really hurt by her last boyfriend. Her heart is cold. Can I warm it or do I need to move on?-Stay or Go

Dear Stay or Go,
Do you want a partner or a pet project? If she's not emotionally available, which is the same as her heart being cold, then you're going to need enough passion and fire for both of you to break down those walls of ice. My advice is to move on because the ice queen needs time by herself to thaw. However, on your way out the door, be sure to leave the door open. Let her know that you understand where she's at, but that not all men are like her last boyfriend. When she's healed, perhaps the two of you could go out.

Q & A: "How can I tell if a woman is going out with me just for my money?"

2008-04-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

Q: How can I tell if a woman is going out with me just for my money or for a free meal? - Confused Male

Dear Confused Male,
I'll answer your question but first here's a question for you. Are you looking for an arm charm (also known as a trophy woman) or a real gal you can have a relationship with?

Here's a great story that should illustrate my point. A man comes to the gates of ancient Athens and asks the gatekeeper what kind of city Athens is. The gatekeeper responds by asking, "What was the city like that you just left?" The man replies, "It was awful, filled with dishonest, backstabbing, money hungry, pretentious people." The gatekeeper said, "That's exactly what this town is like." Another man comes to the gates of the city and asks the same question. The gatekeeper responds by asking the man about the city and people he left behind. The man responds, "Oh, I loved my city and the wonderful, honest, caring people I left behind, but I had to go because I needed to find work." The gatekeeper opened the gates and says, "Come on in. You're going to love this city and the people. It's like the town you just left."

Like generally attracts like. So if you're looking for a woman with substance and similar core values, and you have good self-esteem, then, even you won't date gold diggers. In fact, remember one of the golden rules of dating: Men and women are like trains. The next one will be along in five minutes. So, if he or she doesn't have what you want, put your lips together and say, "Next."

Q: How can you tell if a man is just taking you out for sex and because you have a great body? - Confused Female

Dear Confused Female,
Read the letter from Confused Male. You should get together with him. You can answer your question yourself by answering the following questions:

1. Are you looking to date an investment banker? That's a man who is going to invest in you and be your banker.
2. Are you looking for a free lunch or dinner? If yes, then you can expect to be the dessert.
3. Is your mantra buy me, take me, give me, show me?
4. Or is your mantra it's all about me?

If you don't think of yourself as a sex object and you aren't looking for a success object, then you won't treat others as objects and you certainly won't let someone treat you like one.

Q: How can I get my boyfriend to stop being commitment phobic? We went to a couple's counselor to help us with his issues. He's now reading several self-help books. How do people get over being afraid of commitment?-Love a Commitment Phobic

Dear Love a Commitment Phobic,
The way to stop being commitment phobic is to decide to make a commitment, then follow through and make the commitment. Once the person makes that commitment, he or she keeps the commitment. It's that simple. Of course making and keeping our commitments takes work and discipline. But, at the end of the day and at the end of your life, those commitments are what make life and love special.

I have helped a lot people work through their commitment issues. If either of you, or both of you would like some help, give me a call at 310.394.2647 or send me an email. LINK. I do both singles and couples coaching.

Q: I just ended a long distance relationship with a man who is spending a year in Europe. Though we had only dated a few times before he left, and agreed to see other people, we kept up via phone and e-mail for 3 months. A big factor in my decision to end things was that I moved to NY right before I met him and, after 6 months have yet to really make some friends. The loneliness got to be too much for me, and so I started to put pressure on the relationship. I was no longer happy so I ended things.

I believe I made the right decision, but I wonder if I should try to get together with him for coffee when he visits the city this summer. I told him that I couldn't talk to him for a while, and need time to regain perspective. I don't want to get back into long distance with him, but maybe not completely burn this bridge. He is the first guy that I have dated who I can talk to on the phone for hours on end, and who seems genuinely concerned about me. There were problems with him talking about his exes... and forgetting my birthday, but this may have had to with our level of commitment. As things stand now, I won't see him for at least another 3 months, so I have time to think and to date other people. What should I do?-Lonely and Confused

Dear Lonely and Confused,
First of all, you are highly intuitive and know yourself. Congratulations for not rushing into anything. You were right. You can't be happy in a relationship when you're not happy with you. A relationship can't fill that black hole - "a missing piece." You have to do that yourself. And you're working on it.

New York can be a tough town. I lived there for many years. Don't let it get to you. Just keep being yourself. It may take a little time, but you'll attract good people. The key in New York is to go out and do things - go to a health club, book signings, events at the 92nd Street Y, etc.

Now let's deal with this guy. I would have dinner with him when he comes to New York -just dinner without any expectations. It's a great opportunity to connect again. If you can do this, without any expectations, then you can objectively see and experience whether; in fact, you do want to date him again. You don't have to make that decision now.

I'm a little confused. You went out a few times and then he left. You continued to connect long-distance via email and the telephone, but you were no longer dating, right? You became e-pals and telephone buddies. I have found that it is often easy to become rather intimate on the telephone or through a computer. It's much more difficult up close and in person because the stakes are much higher. One can come face to face with the "V" word and the "R" word. Vulnerability and Rejection - two of our greatest fears.

I don't think anyone should talk about his or her exes. It takes the focus away from the person they are with. As for me, I like my man to be focused on me. If you don't like him talking about other women, then tell him you "prefer" not hear about his exes. The operative word here is prefer. In a non-threatening way, without being critical of him, you can let him know that that kind of conversation is not okay with you. As for not remembering your birthday, it's definitely a red flag. But, at this early stage, it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. If you decide that you want to see him again, after your dinner, then I would let him know that "you felt hurt" when he didn't remember your birthday. I wouldn't say, "You hurt me." Just share your feelings with him without making him wrong.

Don't burn the bridge, instead open the door and walk through - but this time for the right reasons. Let me know what happens.

Q: I feel that have a bit of a problem as far as a relationship goes. I am very attracted to a man. I think about him all the time and it seems that he has somewhat of an attraction to me also. There is one problem with this -- he is my boss. We are the same age and have had very similar situations in the past. It feels as though we are connected on a higher level than colleagues. He and I know when something is wrong with one another even when no one else does. He has not come out and said that he is interested in me but the flirting signs are surely there. So I ask you, because he is my boss does that make any possibility of a relationship off limits?-Totally Confused

Dear Totally Confused,
First of all, what's the company policy about dating "in house" and playing "house"? Second, how much do you love your job? Hypothetically, let's say that the two of you start dating and it doesn't work out. Can you say "sticky situation" and maybe hurt feelings and perhaps some anger? How well do you think the two of you could then work together? On the other hand, I have known of situations where work relationships have blossomed and the couples are very happy…together.

My advice to you is to look before you leap. Evaluate as many of the "what-ifs" ahead of time, and decide whether you want to pass or play. Remember, if you decide to play, it's up to him to ask you out, not the other way around. You're the queen bee. It's your job to attract him, let him find you, and then say "yes." If you decide to pass, then stop flirting and start creating a work friendship.

Good luck. This is really a tough one because we all connect with people daily, but there are those times when we have a special connection with certain people and we're not sure what to make of that connection and what to do with it. Step outside of your emotions right now and look inside your heart for some answers.

Q & A: "How do you ask a girl out?"

2008-04-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

Q: I have just started dating a guy who works every single day, even on his day off. He calls me on a regular basis and is or seems to be a real gentleman. I am worried though that getting to know him is going to be much harder when he never takes a day off. What should I do to keep the relationship alive? Is this a pointless attempt to get with him?- Dating a Workaholic

Dear Dating a Workaholic,
If he works every day, when do the two of you have time to go out? And when you do go out, does he talk about anything other than work? If the answer is yes, then maybe there is hope for this relationship to happen. It could be that he is a workaholic because before you, he had nothing else going on in his life.

When you go out, talk about your goals and what you want out of life. See if he's on the same page. If you are, then perhaps you can start writing the book together. As for keeping the relationship alive, it takes two to dance the dance of love.

Q: I have been dating this guy for about a month. I think that I am the only girl he is seeing based on his mannerisms and things he says, but I am not positive and I don't want to make any assumptions. Should I directly ask him, or let the relationship take its course? Am I His Only Girl

Dear Am I the Only Girl,
It seems to me that your relationship is pretty new. It's only been one month, or four weeks, or 30 days. No matter how you add it up, it's not very long. You're still getting to know each other. Don't rush anything - and that includes having sex. Spend some time establishing a friendship; build some emotional intimacy; create some emotional bonds.

In other words, give the relationship a chance. There's something really special about the beginning of a relationship. Why would you want to miss it due to some insecurity? When the time is right and he wants to let you know that you are his "it" girl, believe me, he'll let you know. In the meantime, even if you feel that he is your "it" guy, keep going out with other men. That will do three things for you: 1. Make you less available which means you won't be waiting around for him 2. Make you more interesting, desirable, and attractive to him (for some strange reason, we all want what everyone else wants - usually not because we really want it but because someone else does) 3. Give you the opportunity to decide if "you" want to be in a committed relationship with him.

The short answer to you question is, keep your mouth and your legs closed. Let the relationship run its course. Relationships are made up of three parts - passion, emotional intimacy and commitment. The best relationships I know happen in that sequence. Often, when two people jump into a commitment without actually taking the time to establish real intimacy, resentment toward their partner comes (usually rather quickly) once they "discover" that their partner hasn't become the person they wanted him or her to become.

Time together creates "real moments" of shared experiences; establishes trust; creates the permission to remove the masks that we all wear to protect ourselves, allows us to open our hearts and take the other person in - flaws and all. Time together gives two people the opportunity to get to know each other in a very special way so that the two people no longer always have to be perfect and, as a result, the relationship doesn't always have to be perfect either. It's not that you're settling for each other but rather, both of you have gotten past your own and each other's imperfections. Once both of you do that, you become real and totally authentic with each other and, that's when you see whether this is the person you want to be in a committed relationship with. Good luck.

Q: I read in your previous archives that you weren't too keen on too large age gap relationships... My girlfriend and I have a seven-year age gap. I am 22 and she's 15. She's really great and sweet and we really love each other a lot. There are only problems. 1. She really love to eat and she's putting on some weight 2. She is rather hot tempered. How can I let her know how I feel without making things worse? - Big Age Gap

Dear Big Age Gap,
I don't know where you live, but in the U.S. your girlfriend is in 9th grade and you're old enough to be a college graduate. She is considered a minor (in other words jail bait). When two responsible adults are in a relationship the large age gap doesn't necessarily create a problem. However, in this case, you're dating a child. There is just too large an age gap. The two of you are in different places in your life. If you really care about her, let her grow up. Stop seeing each other until she starts college, or at least, until she graduates high school and is in the working world. If the two of you still can't live without each other at that time, then start dating again. Right now you're just not at the same maturity level and you couldn't possibly have a lot in common. You've lived so much more life than she has. Let her go and grow on her own.

Now to answer your question, which is the reason you wrote to me, the reason that many people overeat is to experience a sense of fullness that they don't normally feel in their life. Food can be a substitute for what's missing in her life; she could be stuffing her emotions by eating; she could be protecting herself with food; she could be unhappy and may not like herself; or perhaps she hasn't learned how to say "no" to food.

Based on her eating behavior and temper, it sounds to me like she's going through "some teenage stuff" right now and is not a happy camper. Now that you're an adult, I don't know if you remember how difficult the teenage years can be; just how many pressures a teenager may have to deal with on a daily basis. If you really care about her, encourage her to talk with her mom and dad, or if that's not plausible, then help her find a counselor who can help her work through her food and anger issues. Once you've done that, make another date with her. And that date is, in three years, when's she's out of school.

Q: How do you ask a girl out that you don't know very well yet but would like to get to know her better?-Want to Ask Her Out

Dear Want to Ask Her Out,
The way to ask a girl out is to either do it in person or call her on the phone and say, " You know what? I'd really like to get to know you better. Would you like to go out on Saturday night or Sunday afternoon?

The best way to ask a girl out is to ask her out. She will either say "yes" or she will say "no." But you will never know unless you ask her. It takes courage to live your life. Those who really live their life are those who dare to take risks. But only those who risk are able to reap the rewards. So I say, "Go for it!" Dare to find out if she's the gal for you. You'll only know by getting to know her.

Here are three of my best dating advice tips:

You only date and love those who love you
Don't take anything personally - no matter what your date or partner does.
Even though you think it's about you, it's not. It's really about them. It's only about you if you make it about you. My advice is don't make it about you.
Don't make assumptions. Unless you have taken your daily ESP pills, don't assume you know what the other person is thinking. The only way you will even know is to open your mouth and ask. The skill in communication comes from "knowing" how to ask.

Good luck. Let me know how it turns out. I'm rooting for you.

Q: I've had a crush on this guy for a few months. A couple months ago I casually asked him to come skating with me and I met some of his friends and had an okay time. We talk a bit in the halls when we see each other and at a recent dance he came up to me and we danced a bit. This semester we don't have any classes together so this seems to be as far as things are going. I'm pretty sure it's just a normal crush, but recently I haven't been able to stop thinking about him, even while I'm sleeping! Things have got to pick up! Any ideas?- I Got It Bad

Dear I Got It Bad,
I know how hard a crush can be. Some people just have "that power" to sweep us off our feet and make our hearts go pitter-patter. There's not much you can do, except chase him and that won't be very satisfying. Believe me, I know. I've been down that road before. You really don't want to go there.

For now, have your feelings and, at the same time, let the whole situation go by focusing on something else. How about doing some volunteer work in your community or at your Church or Temple to help you take your mind off of him?

Here's one tip that can apply to virtually anything in your life: When you try to run/chase after something or someone, he/she/it usually runs away. (just like a butterfly, a dog or a cat) It eludes or escapes you because you need it so badly. You then become needy and desperate. Those are not very attractive traits. Instead, let it go. If it's meant to me, it will come to you because you will attract it. I'm not suggesting that you "do nothing," but rather, that you create an intention, which in this case is for the two of you to run into each other, see each other and spend some time together (maybe that looks like a date). Pay attention to all possible opportunities of running into him in outside activities, the library, etc. (But don't obsess and don't stalk.)

Now that you've set your intention and you're paying attention to what's happening to and around you, then just let go of the whole situation because there's nothing else you can do. And remember - if it's suppose to happen…it will…in it's own time…not on your time schedule. And if it's not supposed to happen, no matter what you do to try and make it happen-it won't work. And even if it does, it may not work out the way you wanted it to.

Q & A: "exuding too many male characteristics"

2008-04-16T14:57:00.000-07:00

Q: I have scoured your website for tips and tools to change the way I approach relationships. I am 35 and have survived one divorce and the passing of another to cancer. I am in a relationship now that leaves me wondering what in the world is wrong with me. After realizing that I follow all the rules but one, I am now asking for your help. I guess that I have overcompensated in my life for things that I was lacking by exuding too many male characteristics. I am extremely self assured and successful. I am very independent and tough. How do I soften around the edges? What suggestions to you have for me to show a man my vulnerability? I believe that I have been slowly building a wall and it is time for some serious demolition work.- Alpha Female Robin

Dear Alpha Female Robin,
First of all, being feminine is not about "following" the rules. It's about being your real, authentic, feminine self. And yes, you're absolutely accurate when you characterize your masculine behavior as a way of overcompensating for what you lack. All the masculine characteristics that you described in your letter have made you successful in business but won't make you successful in love.

From your letter, it appears that you are extremely proud of your masculine traits. That being the case, I'm sure you communicate that sense of pride to the man you're with or the ones you attract. The result is that you become competitive with your guy or he becomes competitive with you. It's the same in either case. A man will admire, respect and appreciate you for those masculine qualities, but if he is a masculine man, then he won't cherish you. If you want to be cherished by a man, you have to "do" less and "be" more. Being is feminine and doing is masculine. To become more vulnerable you have to become more okay with "who you are" and not with what you do. Being vulnerable and opens begins with first you cherishing you - cherishing and treasuring your feminine characteristics and feminine energy. You have to build your self-confidence and self-esteem as a feminine woman in order to let a man in. Right now you are hiding behind your walls, afraid of really letting a man in. That's why, as an Alpha Female you feel you have to control, initiate, do more, and be the giver.

But all is not lost. To open your heart, you're right, you have to get rid of the walls around it. Walls not only keep others out, they keep you in. It's really lonely inside, feeling all alone isn't it? I know. I was once there.

If you want to do some really serious demolition work and stop being an alpha female and become more feminine, then either take my 3 week class called What Men Want and How to Give it to Them - for Alpha Females Only or set up a personal telephone coaching session with me. To set up an appointment, call 310.394.2647. To sign up for my class, call or send me an email.

Q: I have known this girl for about six months. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I have mainly been more a big brother to her, but now it seems like she wants to get into a romantic relationship. She has been rushing me the last couple of days and I really think that it's going too fast. This is my first real relationship with a female and she has dated before. To make matters worse, we just had an argument over religion and I don't want her to think that that is why I want to slow down our relationship. I am very Christian and she claims to be Christian also, but I think that our definition of 'Christian' varies greatly.

After asking her about her beliefs, she got the impression that I didn't like her, which isn't the case. I really just want to find a way to tell her that we are going too fast for me without hurting her feelings more than I have.- Afraid

Dear Afraid,
If you want to have a relationship with someone, first of all stop judging her. Let her be who she is. Just because her beliefs are different than yours, it doesn't make you more of a good Christian and her less of a good Christian. Your statement, "I am very Christian and she 'claims' to be Christian also," epitomizes you prejudice and lack of tolerance for anyone who isn't "just like you." No wonder the two of you got into an argument, she felt attacked and you probably made her feel "less than."

If you're really interested in dating this woman, then first be okay with yourself that she can be the kind of Christian she is. If you're not okay with this, then don't go out with her, because you will be acting without integrity and being dishonest with her about your true feelings.

Second, if you really do intend to take her out, tell her you like her but you would like to take the relationship slow. Be honest by telling her the reasons why you feel that way. Relationships that establish a friendship first have a better chance of succeeding because it's easier to create emotional honesty and emotional intimacy. Every relationship has three parts to it: passion-emotional intimacy-commitment. Too often relationships fail because they move too quickly from passion to commitment without first creating emotional intimacy.

The best way to talk to a woman is to first let her know that you think she is special, that you want to cherish not criticize her. Once she feels safe, she will begin to trust you. It's up to you to earn her trust. The best way to do that and get points is to be honest with a woman by telling her how you feel. Good luck.

Q: I have a question. I have a problem noticing if a certain someone finds me attractive or is interested in getting to know me. We have had some interaction around friends and she works at a business that I visit frequently. I am totally clueless when it comes to being able to tell if a woman is interested or not. What are the signs that women give to men that show whether they are interested or not, whether they find you attractive or not, etc.

I thank you very much and apologize for asking such a question. Most people know these things, I'm so personable and outgoing that I totally can't tell the difference between being friendly in response and someone giving me signs that they want me to ask them out. Can you help me?- Clueless Man

Dear Clueless Man,
You've asked a great question. I applaud you for your courage and your desire to learn how to date, relate and then mate better. I wrote two columns specifically about flirting. Read them: Flirting Signs and Dealing with Connection and Rejection.

As far as everyone knowing these things, that's totally not true. Unless someone is blatantly being "in your face" it's hard to really know if someone is flirting or just being friendly. We're all afraid of being rejected so we tread softly when it comes to flirting and dating. The only way you'll know if she's interested in you is to ask her out. Remember, "Only risk brings reward." You'll only get the pleasure of her company by asking her to be in your company. Now here's the deal and the two ways to protect yourself. If she says no, don't take it personally. No one can reject you but you. The second way to protect yourself is don't make assumptions. You have no idea why she said no. It could have been for any number of reasons. So unless you took your ESP pills when you asked her out, you'll never know…and the truth is-it doesn't matter. If you really like yourself and have good self-esteem, then you'll simply say to yourself - she missed out on having a date with a good guy. Oh well, next! Remember that, " Men and women are like trains. Another one will be along in a few minutes." Believe it and move on. As a man, it's your job to troll for women and find them. They are waiting to be found by you.

Good luck. Take that risk. In the end, it's worth that reward. Remember, in the end people only really regret what they don't do, never what they do.

Q: In your column, could you cover how and when to spend money for a date? I've been reading books but there're so many different opinions about it and I really want to know about yours. Based on my experiences, good men don't allow their partners to pay on date. The guys who wants to split usually turn out to be "jerks".- To Pay or Not to Pay

Dear To Pay or Not to Pay,
It's a man's job to provide, protect and serve a woman. It's a woman's job to accept, to love him and make him her hero.

Since a man asks a woman out, he is supposed to pay for the date. He is courting her and paying for the privilege of being with her. This is a dating relationship, not a business partnership.

He is showing her that he cherishes her and is trying to make her happy. In return, a woman should always appreciate what a man does for her and let him know that. She should also show him respect and admiration, as that's how a man feels loved and how he defines himself. And, once in a while, it's nice to make him dinner or do something special for him. But never try to "outdo" the man. He'll feel that you're competing with him; that no matter what he does for you it's not enough because you have to do more.

If you're more interested in having a life partner rather than a business partner, then you won't go out with men who go on dates with their calculators or keep scorecards. You'll only go out with men who want to court you and treat you special.

By the way, just because a man wants to split a check doesn't make him a jerk. After you tell him no and your reasons why, and he still insists, then that's a different story. Most of the time, it's up to a woman to help a man become better at treating her well. Unless guys have been taught by their moms, sisters, ex-girlfriends, or ex-wives the ways to treat a woman well, they don't have a clue. So be gentle with them. You don't have to make them wrong, just show them how you expect to be treated.

After all, a date (whether it's a man or a woman) will only treat you the way you teach them to treat you and the way you expect to be treated. And how you expect to be treated is based on how you treat yourself.

Great question. Thank you for asking it. For more information about flirting, dating, relating and mating, you might want to take one of my teleclasses. They are extremely informative and they give you the opportunity to get some advice on how to handle certain situations.

Q: I am in high school and I broke up with my girlfriend a while ago. I have met a new girl and we have gone on 3 or 4 dates and I really like her a lot. Her mom says that she likes me a lot too but I don't know. I want to kiss her but I am afraid that she won't like it. I mean I am not a bad kisser or anything but I'm afraid that would change her opinion about me. Can you help me? -Anxious Kisser

Dear Anxious Kisser,
Your mother has raised you well and I'm sure your current girlfriend appreciates it, and that your future girlfriends and eventually your wife will also appreciate it. You're very respectful of women and that's fantastic.

What should you do in terms of your predicament? Next time you're out on a date with your new girl, look at her, tell her how much you enjoy being with her and how special the time is you two spend together. Then ask her if it would be okay to kiss her. She'll let you know. The key is to mean what you say (and based on your email I'm sure you are quite sincere and authentic-and those two qualities are really endearing) and ask for a kiss with self-confidence, all the time being respectful of her.

She's a lucky girl. Let me know how it turns out.

Q & A: "He is 10 years younger than me"

2008-04-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

Q: I'm currently friends with a guy who is really sweet. I've kissed him and given him hugs and he's given them back. He wants to fool around with me and then eventually wants to have sex with me one day. What do I do now? I've told him how I feel about this, but I don't know what to do now. - Looking for Help

Dear Looking for Help,
Have either of you thought about just taking the time to get to know each other and being in the here and now instead of planning your future? You're both so busy worrying about tomorrow that you're not really taking advantage of today. There's always time to fool around later. Develop the other parts of the relationship first. You've told him what you want, keep your word - don't break it. Your guy will treat you the way you treat yourself.

Q: I have recently started dating a friend of mine. He is 10 years younger than me, but we have a blast together. I think about him constantly and I know he thinks about me, but I am scared of the age thing. (I am 32 he's 22). When we started dating, it was right after I broke up with me last boyfriend, so I am wondering if I am rebounding, or if there may really be something between us. What do you think? -The Older Woman

Dear The Older Woman,
This is not an age thing; it's a desperation thing. Your instincts are probably correct. There "may" be something between the two of you but my hit is that you're definitely on the rebound and your friend looked "really" good and he was available. Take this relationship slow. Most importantly, do some work on yourself to heal the old relationship so you're really available for this new one or your next one.

Q: I am 24 years old and have been seeing the same woman for just over a year now. She is a wonderful and beautiful person. The only problem in our relationship is that I keep talking about my exes. I don't have any contact with them, nor desire to be with them. I just keep saying little things that really hurt her, and make her question my love for her. This is the woman I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I just don't want to lose her over the stupid things I say. I have said many things in the past and lately, I know she is getting very irritated at this, and it always upsets her for at least a day or two. It just kills me to see her upset, knowing it was my fault. How can I stop talking about my exes? - Can't Stop Talking About My Ex

Dear Can't Stop Talking About My Ex,
Exert a little control over yourself and your mouth. Stop living in the past and start appreciating the woman you're with. By talking about your former women, you're making your girlfriend feel insecure about herself and the relationship. This is a form of control and manipulation on your part.

You claim you love her, then stop hurting her. As an added incentive, buy her an expensive present every time you open your mouth and stick your foot into it. Plus, do something very special for her. Give her a day of beauty at an exclusive spa; take her away for a long weekend; take her on a buying spree; and always send her a dozen of her favorite flowers every, and I do mean every time, you talk about an ex. So, if in a conversation you mention an ex twice, then send her two dozen flowers. Put your money where your mouth is. And, start living in your heart or you'll be living alone.

Q & A: "How do I get a pretty girl to like me?"

2008-04-16T14:55:00.002-07:00

Q: I have read all of your letters & adore your advice. I have been "seeing" someone for 5 months. When I first saw him, there was an immediate attraction. We went out and he started calling me daily. He never asked me out for the weekends. After a few weeks, I talked with him about that issue. From the start, I should inform you, he told me that he didn't want anything serious right now. However, as the weeks past, he would invite me to family gatherings and we saw each other weekly. Two months after this began, I was unable to handle the weekend deal and his overall inability to express any emotions. We had a talk and I ended it. He couldn't give me what I needed. He called me 2 days later, said he missed me and that he wanted to make things better. Honestly, there were no changes but because I really cared about him, I weakened and took him back. This on / off relationship has been going on for 5 months.

Every month, when I begin to feel like things are not right, I end it. I ended it 4 more times since the first. This past time, I had it. I sat him down and explained how I deserve more than this. He expressed some fears about commitments but told me that he saw a future with us; that I was everything he would ever want. He just couldn't handle it now. We both cried and I left. He called. I hung up on him. He called again, I cried and asked him please not to call me. He called and again I broke down. I am sure that I am allowing him to act this way but I don't understand. I believe that he cares about me but why can't he commit. I have NEVER been this way. I am a confident 26 year old, intelligent, attractive, talented, female. I own my own home and have enough family and friends who love me, but this "lack of" a relationship has made me feel inadequate and I am constantly obsessing over him. I leave him messages and write to him in hopes that something will make a difference. It feels pathetic and I hate that. I am completely at a loss for how to deal with this. I am not sure why he won't let me go and even more unsure as to what I am fighting for. I only know that I care about him more than I have ever cared about anyone.- I'm Not Happy

Dear I'm Not Happy,
I can understand why you've unhappy. You're being a yo-yo and someone else is pulling the string. Stop it. Take back your power and start building back up your self-respect. The way to do that is to start being proactive again by taking care of yourself, nurturing yourself, and by being responsible for your own happiness. You're not happy with yourself and your confidence is going in a downward spiral because you desperately want something from this man that he doesn't want to give you - a commitment. He sounds to me like he is commitment phobic and there's nothing you can do about it. You two are just not on the same commitment page. If you're not getting what you want out of this relationship move on. You want to know how to deal with this? Cut all ties. Get an unlisted phone number or block your phone number and email, so that he can't contact you. Don't contact him and don't play his game. You see, it takes two to play the game and if you're not a willing player, then he will either have to play a different game or take his marbles somewhere else.

Q: How do I get a pretty girl to like me? I need answers please!- I Want a Pretty Girl

Dear I Want a Pretty Girl,
Is she pretty on the inside or out? You didn't specify. But let me ask you this question. When you get a present, are you more interested in the wrapping or what's inside?

Q: I been seeing someone that I love very much for the past 3 years. But sometimes, I'm not sure about this relationship. So much has happened. He has lied so many times. He first lied about where he lived, and then about getting married, now he's separated. Every time I decide to leave him, he comes back yet he says this isn't a serious relationship and he needs time. I'm more than willing to leave. Every time I think its over, he comes back. I do help him with his business but would he have stayed all this time only for business? This time we haven't talked in 2 weeks. I guess it's finally over. What should I do?- He Keeps Lying

Dear He Keeps Lying,
Here's what you should do. Go out and celebrate the fact that you have finally been hit by a cosmic two by four because you now finally realized that it's over. This relationship has been over for a long time, but because you wanted it so much, you wore blinders. Thank goodness you've taken the blinders off. Now walk out the door, close it and don't look back.

Q: I have recently started talking to a friend that I haven't seen in some time. I am interested in dating her but am afraid that she isn't interested in me in the way I am in her. What's a fella to do?- Confused Soul

Dear Confused Soul,
Is she seeing someone else at the moment? If not, tell her that you're glad you two connected again and that you would be interested in dating her. Honesty can be so attractive. She should appreciate and respect your courage for your willingness to risk. If she does, that's great. If not, you'll know and then it's time to move on. Remember two important points in dating. Don't take anything personally - so if she doesn't want to date you - it's not about you- it's about her. And, don't make assumptions. You never know what another person is thinking until you ask that person.

Of course, if you've taken your ESP pills every day for the last twenty years, then maybe you'll intuitively know what she thinks, but then again, women are allowed to change their minds. But there is a quid pro quo - men are allowed to change their minds as well. So the truth is, you'll never know unless you ask. That's why it's never a good idea to make assumptions.

Q & A: "I think she might be too shy"

2008-04-16T14:55:00.001-07:00

Q: I have a problem. I met this girl when I joined a firm as a trainee about 2 years ago. From the 1st day I met her I liked her. I tried to ask her out but she told me that she has a boyfriend who she later introduced me to. We are currently very good friends. Although I have been out with a few girls I have never felt a connection between two people like I feel with her. I think she feels it too because for the last year or so she has been encouraging me with my personal goals more than any of my other friends. Also, last week I thought I heard her say on the phone that she loved me. When I asked her to repeat it she freaked out and got off the phone. Should I ask her out again? What ever happens I don't want to lose her friendship because it means the world to me.- Afraid of Losing Friendship

Dear Afraid,
Don't confuse her caring about you as a friend with her having a romantic interest in you. I'm not sure if your situation is Fantasy Island or Real Life. However, is she still involved with her boyfriend? If the answer is yes, then that could be evidence to show you that she considers you as a "very good" friend and nothing more. I know you're crazy about her, but this is the deal. If you asked her out and she said no, would you be okay with her decision not to date you? Check in with your heart. If you can honestly answer yes to that question, then ask her out. Ask her out in a way that is honest and true - from your heart - and in a way that makes her feel safe to answer honestly and authentically. Remember that this woman is your friend-so as friends you can talk heart-to-heart.

Ever though a situation may be difficult, when a person musters up the courage to risk rejection, he has already won. Because it is only by risking that one can succeed and make their dreams come true. The truth is that in life, we never regret what we do, only what we don't do.

Q: I'm a 28-year-old African American Female, who has been seeing a 34-year-old White male for 1 month now. He has just gotten out of a 4-year marriage 6 months prior to us dating. I believe he is on the rebound. He only wants to see me when he wants to see me. If I email him, he seldom emails me back. I don't call him often for fear that I will get a bad response. Our dates are not fulfilling because it seems he covers up a lot of things. I feel I'm getting the short end of the stick here. Can you help me?- He Doesn't Communicate

Dear He Doesn't Communicate,
First of all, after one month you shouldn't be calling him and initiating the dates. Stop pushing so hard. Think enough of yourself to let him pursue you. Then let him pursue you. I would have a conversation with him and tell him "what you feel." Before you have this conversation, read my advice on the three things men don't want. This will help you in communicate your feelings in a way that will enable him to listen. In your conversation, don't make him wrong. Make him right. tell him how much you enjoy his company. Then once you've got his attention, you can them talk with him about your feelings of wanting to create better communication between you two so as to increase more emotional intimacy. Let him know your request for more open and honest communication and that it would make you happy. Then leave it alone. He no longer has to guess what you want. You've told him in a non-threatening way.

Either he will act on it or he won't. If he does listen, then your relationship will get better (as long as you don't find something else to make him wrong about). If he doesn't act on it and the dates don't get more fulfilling, then move on. Don't waste your time being unhappy and not having your needs met.

Q: I know I should be more highly evolved so that I am not supposed to care if women look pretty or not, and that it is what on the inside that counts. My problem is I think I'm too superficial. I have a plus-size girlfriend whom I am not sure I love. And I think it is because she is not skinny and pretty. Am I just a jerk or do you think it could be something else?- Am I Superficial

Dear Am I Superficial,
I don't know if you're a jerk because I don't know you. But obviously you're not sleeping too well at night because you can't face the mirror test. You look in the mirror and you don't like what you see - yourself and your beliefs. If you're not attracted to her, then why are you dating her and calling her your girlfriend?

Basing a relationship simply on looks is superficial. Do you want a girlfriend or an arm charm? Do you really want someone you can talk to or just show off? What's really important to you? That's the question you should be asking yourself. We have been programmed to want to look like or date the models in Victoria Secret's Catalog or the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, but you don't have to buy into that if you don't want to.

Men are highly visual. But men with character, depth, and self-confidence in themselves, who want a partner and not a trophy, look beyond the exterior for a heart to heart connection. What kind of man are you and what kind of man would you like to become?

Q: You got a great site here. Keep it up because it helps a lot of people like me. My problem is that I really like this girl in the office where I work. I'm a security guard and she's a customer service rep. I come to work at 4 pm and she's just about to go home. She stays a minute or two to chat with me a little bit. I've been working in this building for 5 months and through this little chat we shared common interests and I've come to love her warm smile. I jokingly told her that "a morning without her must be like a morning without a sunshine and she smiled at me." She always asked me how my weekend was and I also asked her about hers.

You see we've been taking like this for 4 months now but I just can't muster enough courage to tell her that I like to get to know her better, get her phone no. and take her out sometimes. I feel like I'm going to die if I don't act soon and just keep my feelings to myself. I guess it's an inferiority complex because I don't think that a lady like her will ever go out with me and plus the fear of rejection and the feeling of awkwardness afterward. Do you think sending her an e-card and stating that I want to get to know her better is a good bet or do you think direct approach is better like saying " I really like to take you out sometime and get to know you better can I have your phone. no." And what I do if she says no? I've always wanted to tell her how beautiful she looks and how her smile makes me feel warmth all over me. Can you give me some advice on what you think is best for my situation please. Thanks in advance.- Insecure Security Man

Dear Insecure Security Man,
Most men are terrified of being rejected, but so are women. But it's harder for you guys because you have to do the asking. It's scary to put your feelings on the line when you have no guarantee that the woman you're crazy about won't break your heart. It's like walking a tight rope without a safety net. Really living life and getting what you want means taking some risks. And risk taking often means taking action without a safety net.

This is what I suggest. Be a brave-heart. (Don't do the e-card thing. It's so impersonal and I think tacky.) Tell her you would like to get to know her better outside of work. Ask her for her phone number because you would like to ask her out for date.

Even though you're going to be nervous, it's better to know than not know. And you'll never know what could be between you if you don't try. So you have to take the risk.

And remember, no one can reject you but you. Don't tie your self-esteem to her answer. Congratulate yourself for asking. Not all men or women would have the courage to take a big risk where they have so much invested, but I believe you have the courage to follow your heart. That's why you're a brave-heart. Good luck.

Q: I have very little knowledge on growing-up issues, as I have been very shy about sex and sex-related issues. I have known this young woman (20 soon) for nearly three years. We are best friends, have dated once already, remained best friends and have started dating again. She is shy about expressing her feelings to me or to others in general. I am caring, understanding and a good listener...among other things. I am a very affectionate bloke and love to show it by hugging, holding and kissing. I haven't really kissed this girl yet as we have only just started dating again and I want to go at her pace. When I do show affection I sometimes worry that I might be being over affectionate.

This girl is shy and I think she might be too shy to tell me whether or not I am over doing it. I ask her if she is comfortable but when she says yes I just can't shake the feeling that she is holding back on me. Maybe she thinks that I'll be hurt or offended if she says no and so states otherwise. The thing is if she does tell one thing but means the opposite, is there some sort of body language I should look for? Now don't get me wrong I'm all for conversation, but maybe there is also another way of knowing. Plus, how do you know when a woman such as her wants affection? Once again her lack of expression to me has me going round in circles. I want to really make a go of this relationship. We have lots in common and relate very well to each other- Give Me a Sign

Dear Give Me a Sign,
You've been best friends for three years so I assume that both of you trust each other and that you have created an open, honest and safe relationship based on mutual respect, understanding and communication. Most importantly, it is up to you to create a safe space for her in your relationship. She needs to feel safe in order to be vulnerable and reveal her feelings.

My best advice is to take it slow. I know this is the second time around for both of you, but don't rush into the physical aspect of the relationship. And before you take any step forward in that direction, talk about it with her and let her know that you're crazy about her, and that if she wants to take it slow, that's fine with her. I know you're not putting any pressure on her, I can read that in your words. But keep reassuring her that you both will only proceed with what she's comfortable with. You don't want her to comply and be resentful. Trust yourself, trust her, and most of all trust your friendship.

Q & A: "he likes to talk about sex and his fantasies"

2008-04-16T14:54:00.001-07:00

Q: What a fab site. I would love to know your opinion on my Valentine day story.

I met one guy at work. We do not really interact work wise, but he has been really sweet to me. We have been quite friendly for the last 3 months. Sort of having lunch one a week, occasional ride home or chatting by e-mail about life - friends. Shall I mention he is drop dead gorgeous and intelligent? I heard he was seeing some woman, but it was not serious. He hardly ever speaks of her to me.

On Valentine's Day I sent him a Yahoo card under a false name and from an anonymous e-mail, saying that he was hot. That is where it started to get interesting. He started writing me back; asking who I was, give him a clue etc. Though tempting, I have not told him, for one reason.

I have this nagging feeling that he is more interested in this online Valentine girlie than me. But we are the same person, and I do not behave / speak differently than my online persona. I feel he finds me physically attractive and he likes my character. But he dropped mailing to Me-Real, while typing like mad to Me-Virtual. Please, please explain to me why and more important, shall I lay my cards on the table and say that hello, this is also me? -Confused Valentine

Dear Confused Valentine,
It's the seduction and mystery of the Internet. The Internet, because it promotes and maintains anonymity, often creates false expectations and builds fantasies. People in real life aren't always who they appear to be on the web. Often the virtual life is more exciting than the real life. However, a virtual relationship can't be as fulfilling as an actual one because it's not real.

If you want to maintain your friendship, don't tell him. He'll feel like you made a fool out of him and that you can't be trusted. But do retire "Me-Virtual." In fact, combine both of you and become Wonder Woman in real life.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 4 years. He is 25 now. We both love each other very much and neither one of us ever feels unloved. We started out in a long distance relationship but he found it too much and broke up with me. Then one month later came back to me saying he couldn't live without me. So I moved into his house. Living together was very difficult and after one year I moved out, but we continued to date. This seemed to work a lot better for us, when we both had our own space.

Then just last year he was offered a job abroad. He said he loved me too much to leave, I told him I didn't want to stop him from getting in his way of a career. He changed his mind and accepted the job and I arranged to go back to my parents. Although my heart was breaking I agreed to split up with him, it seemed for the best. I didn't expect to hear from him again, but to my surprise he called me when he got there and then we spoke everyday. I went to visit him for a week and we had a great time. We had never really split up. We both trust each other 100% that is not an issue. Just before Christmas he told me he wanted to get engaged, that he was finally ready to commit to me.

After Christmas I moved out here to be with him, although I cannot work (as I have no visa). The other week he took me to see the rings he had been looking at, engagement ring and wedding rings. It was fantastic; I was really looking forward to him proposing. Then the other day he told me that he doesn't know what he wants and that he is having doubts about us and that he is scared and needs to think this through. I am heartbroken.

It seems as though now that I am here in person, he sees reality more than us just talking through it on the phone. He is asking for me to give him more time to think, but why should his feelings be different in 1, 2 or 3 months? I've told him I want a decision. I don't know what to do. I feel that I should just leave him and fly back home and try to move on with my life. My heart is hurting so much; it's a crushing feeling everyday. All I seem to do is wait for him to make a decision. What do you think I should do? Leave him or just stick with it feeling low?-Stay or Go

Dear Stay or Go,
Pack your bags and go home. Don't give him any ultimatums; instead maintain your self-respect and self-worth. Simply tell him that the coupon for the marriage decision has expired. Therefore, it's no longer valid, so you're leaving. Don't threaten -- just leave. If he wants you, he'll come after you with a proposal, a ring, and firm date.

Q: I'm writing to you because I met this guy and he likes to talk about sex and his fantasies. He thinks that talking about it is romantic. I really don't know what to say so if you can give me some advice please. Talking about Sex

Dear Talking about Sex,
Are you two intimately involved or are you just beginning to date? Fantasy sharing is not something you do with everyone you casually date. Having said that, let me address your problem. Tell him the truth about how you feel but in a Queen Bee way. If hearing his fantasies excites you, tell him and perhaps, if you feel comfortable, share your fantasies. However, believe me, I'm sure he would want to know if "this kind of conversation" turns you off. If you don't like this kind of talk or feel uncomfortable with it, then tell him that you know and appreciate how this kind of talk arouses him (make him right), but that it has the opposite effect on you and doesn't do anything to enhance "your mood." Believe me, he wants you to be in the mood.

Q & A: "not all men enjoy what you call 'the hunt'"

2008-04-16T14:51:00.000-07:00

Q: I've never tried this before, but I guess it can't hurt. There's a girl I work with that I am head over heels for. She's attractive, funny, smart, independent, and we have a great deal in common. When she's close to me I feel myself tie up in knots. I find myself going out of my way just to be near her, to talk to her, to be close to her. We spend a lot of time around each other, but I don't know if she knows how I feel. All is normal to this point, but she is seeing a guy who is a real jerk. He is taking advantage of her in a million ways, especially emotionally and financially. One day they are "on", the next day they are "off". She can't seem to cut him loose. He's jealous but won't commit himself.

It's killing me to watch her being hurt. Anyway, what do I do? My past relationships with women have all been quite straightforward, so this is uncharted territory for me. I am bursting to tell her how I feel, but am afraid of losing her friendship. I've tried to drop subtle hints, but I don't know if they are getting through. Should I spill the beans and risk it, or just stay quiet, and suffer?-Unsure

Dear Unsure,
For starters, suffering is way overrated. And they are no longer giving out medals for martyrdom. So go for it. Be a good boy scout and be prepared. Get a game plan. Valentine's Day is a perfect opportunity. In fact, all of February is the month of love, so get ready and stay ready. Have the Valentine card that says it all ready. As soon as they are having an "off" day, you be her hero and let her know how you feel. Don't make her wrong for her lousy "former" choices in men rather, do a great sales job by letting her know what's really available to her.

As I've said before, in order to have a BIG life you have to be willing to risk. I'm not suggesting that you risk just to get your adrenalin going nor for the sake of creating high drama. You're willing to take a risk when you have a desire for something that you just can't live without out. The action you take will be decided by how you answer this question. Do you want to live in a world of regrets or a world of fulfillment?

Q: The man I am seeing is wonderful, sweet and caring. He has already told he loves me (we've been together for a month), and is willing to do the work to make our relationship successful. The issues?

I'm Jewish. He's not. This is something we have discussed at some length, and he says he is willing to convert, but he goes to church every Sunday. I'm afraid that if he does convert, he would just be doing it for me. He might eventually end up resenting it.

Also, there are sexual difficulties. He is willing to work on this, but I don't know if I can be patient enough. I'm already frustrated. This is the first relationship I have been in where we communicate openly and honestly, but am I fooling myself? Is it too early to have such major issues? Can things like this be worked out?-Different Religions

Dear Different Religions,
Relationships take work and both partners have to work to make the relationship successful. Based on your letter, you want him to do all the work. Isn't this a little one-sided? Don't confuse being a Queen Bee and a Princess. This man is obviously trying to make you happy, but it seems that no matter what he does, you've set it up so that he can't win. Remember, he's a man, not a pet project. It's only been one month and, already you've decided that he needs a complete makeover. Remember what attracted you to him in the first place and then lighten up.

Your relationship is only one month old. Why should he stop going to church? When the time comes that two of you decide to make a life commitment to each other, then that's the time both of you start going to conversion classes. Right now he is letting you know that he is willing to convert should the relationship lead to marriage. This is all you can ask of him. As for some sexual difficulties, those often have a way of working themselves out (either with or without outside help), when there is a strong foundation between two people and real emotional intimacy. In every committed relationship, there are three commitments - one commitment to ourself, another commitment to our partner, and a third commitment to the relationship. So far, I'm hearing that you're really committed to your own wants and needs and you're committed to the relationship as long as it's all about you. My suggestion is that you be the wonderfully feminine woman you know how to be and nurture this relationship. Just as it takes feminine energy to grow a garden, it takes feminine energy to nurture and grow a relationship. Be that feminine energy. I don't have all the details, but he sounds like a good guy who only wants to make you happy.

Q: I'm not trying to pick a fight here, but I'd just like to point out that not all men enjoy what you call "the hunt". Also, we don't all enjoy having to do all the work. Personally, I'm looking for someone who's not trying to play the role of air head Barbie doll but can admit that she just might have opinions of her own. By nature, I'm relatively quiet (many guys are) and appreciate a woman who takes a little initiative. Also, quite honestly, your suggestion to women that they should just "surrender" so men can feel like "winners" is quite frankly dangerous and can lead to some very abusive situations for the women down the road. Please don't paint all men as Neanderthals that women have to play games with to make them feel "smart" and always right. It all depends on the kind of male or female someone is looking for. We aren't all the same.-A Male Point of View

Dear A Male Point of View,
Thank you for your letter. I appreciate your honesty and your opinion. I'm thrilled and grateful that not all men are the same. That's what makes life and relationships so thrilling and rewarding. Relationships are about giving and taking. Men give masculine energy that women receive and women give their feminine energy to men. That's the basic fundamentals and mechanics of how great, healthy relationships work.

Here's an exercise that will illustrate this principle. Put a pen in your right hand. Toss it to your left hand and then back to your right hand. Now tell me which hand is receiving and which hand is giving? The answer is that they are both giving and receiving. The two hands represent the way two healthy people in a healthy relationship relate and interact.

I am not suggesting that a woman should be an air-head Barbie doll with doormat written on her forehead. Not at all. I am suggesting that a feminine woman, use her feminine power to create a loving relationship. A woman should never stay with a man who does not honor her and cherish her. A woman who values herself, has self-respect and self-esteem will not allow herself to stay in an abusive situation. You see, men and women will only treat us the way we allow them to treat us AND the way we treat ourselves. So, if we abuse ourselves, then we give others permission to abuse us. All loving relationships begin with loving ourselves.

I don't think men are primitive at all. I think men are just simpler and less complicated than women. As far as women initiating in the relationship, I don't agree. I think women should be alluring and challenging to keep the relationship authentic and "interesting", and should initiate things once in a while, but if the woman is taking the aggressive role all the time, then she's doing her job and his. Any Alpha Female will tell you that that's too much work without a whole lot of satisfaction.

Even though you don't agree with everything I say, I absolutely respect your opinion and I appreciate hearing from my readers. It is through your feedback that I know the kinds of topics and issues you want raised on this site. I hope you will continue to visit my site and read my column.

Q: I can never tell her I like her. I'd like to ask her out on a date but I never have enough courage to ask her. She's a very nice person and I've known her for three years but I always get butterflies in my stomach whenever I so much as see her. Thus, it makes it hard for me to start a conversation with her. I know her parents, and am very good friends with them. But I can never ask her out.-Afraid to Ask Her Out

Dear Afraid to Ask Her Out,
The feelings of fear and rejection are very powerful. They can and often do stop us dead in our tracks and prevent us from leading fulfilling lives. So for three years you have liked this woman from a far. Three years of your life have gone by. Imagine how different your life could or would have been if you had had the courage to feel your fear and had asked her out anyway. Instead, you have lived with a fear of rejection for three years now. Isn't that long enough?

It takes courage to know that you're afraid of something and yet do it anyway. Stop letting your fears run you. Everyone gets butterflies in their stomach at one time or another. But not everyone lets those scary feelings prevent them from living their lives full out. It's a choice. I suggest that you get off the fence, make a choice and get on with your life. If you decide that you just can't ask her out, make peace with yourself and move on. By letting go you allow yourself to love someone else and allow another to love you too.

Q: our call us men wannabes and yourselves Queen Bees. You say our job is to chase the women. I got one for you. I've been pursuing this lady for about a month now. Only time I see her is at her job (bank teller). We exchanged numbers. All the signs of attraction and flirting are there (eye contact, smiling, conversations, and shoulder orientation). When I first approached her, she initiated the conversation talking about my car. I have asked her out twice (lunch and dinner ). She agreed to both, saying to call her, and that she promises to return my calls. She never returned my calls and left me hanging. I was wondering if ladies hate the fact that men will ignore them after giving them so much attention!

So called playing there game. That they will come around if interested. So for the past 2 weeks, since i have only seen her twice. First time I totally ignored her, second time was today. Bad timing. I was in line at the wrong time. I approached her, though I was not paying attention to her. She noticed it. I was really quiet. Every other time that I approached her, I would make her laugh, and flirt with her. But since she has been doing what she's been doing, I feel if I ignore her, maybe she will get the hint and come around. I left saying thank you, with her response being your welcome. The thing is I don' t wanna ignore her too much, because she will lose interest. So my plan is to ignore her for now, maybe a week from now, call her and see what's up, or approach her at her job and maybe greet, conversation etc. I really like her a lot! I feel patience is a virtue. I love and respect myself and don't need to be treated this way. Maybe she got the hint! What do you think?-A Patient Man

Dear A Patient Man,
You're hooked and this is the month for love. I'm glad to hear that you love and respect yourself and that you don't "need" to be treated this way. Remember this thought in the next few weeks. Since this is the month of love, and you have displayed an incredible amount of patience, it's time now to go for it all. Ask her out for Valentine's Day. Either call her and talk with her (none of her I'll call you back stuff) or ask her out at the bank. Either way, in a flirty manner with a lot of self-confidence (no groveling please), let her know that you are glad she waited to go out you because Valentine's Day is the perfect day for your first date.

Have a great time, but don't go overboard with the flowers and candy. She wants a hero not a puppy dog. Remember that you love yourself and respect yourself - so you don't have to be needy. Besides "Needy" and "Desperate" are not aphrodisiacs. Maybe that's why they are never the names of best-selling colognes.

If by some remote chance that she's still into playing games and doesn't accept the date, and you're willing to continue to play the game with her, give her your business card with a pawn or a checker from a chessboard or a checkerboard attached. On the card write your phone number and it's your move!

Q & A: "I am really attracted to older woman"

2008-04-16T14:50:00.000-07:00

Q: I am in love with a wonderful man! We have been serious for 2 years and dated for 6 months beforehand. Just over a year ago he moved in with my roommate and me. At that time I expressed my feelings that I did not want to live with a boyfriend unless we were engaged. (Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?) However, my roommate & I had lived there 6 months and he had not gone home once. So out of fairness to them both, I agreed. He stated in this household meeting that we know we were going to get married anyway and not for me to worry. He even talks about our future and children all the time. Yet the question never seems to come.

Since then a year has passed and I have been diagnosed with endometriosis (commonly linked with infertility) so the clock is really ticking now! I have known that I wanted to marry him since he moved in and I am madly in love with him, but I don't want to keep waiting and wasting my time on something that may not ever happen. I don't want to be pushy or make him do something he is not ready for, yet I feel so frustrated. How long should I wait for him to make a commitment? Any advice on how I can handle this? - Out of patience

Dear Out of Patience,
Don't be pushy or demanding. Don't propose to him or nag him. Simply make a decision when you've had enough of the two of you living together without a firm commitment, when you're "almost" totally out of patience that you're ready to take action. At that point you're ready to have a "conversation and dialog." However, before "the talk," you need to get clear in your mind what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Simply put, draw a line in the sand about this relationship in your mind and come to terms with yourself, that if the talk doesn't produce the results you want, namely a commitment, then you'll let him go.

And then, with openness, honesty and vulnerability and without anger or fear (because you're already prepared to walk) have a talk with him. And speak only from your perspective. Do not put words in his mouth or make him wrong. Tell him how much you love him and how fabulous the last 2 ½ years have been. And that as much as you love waking up to him and going to sleep with him, you feel you need a real commitment. Explain to him that what the two of you have is great, but it doesn't feel complete and it's not enough for you to just be together.

I know this is really scary and hard, but once you have this talk, you must be prepared to let him go if he's not willing to commit. Don't corner him and pressure him, that never works. A man will only feel caged in. However, if he needs time to think about it, then you might suggest that he move out so he'll have the time and space he needs to think about it. And I would limit the physical interaction, meaning no sex. Sex will just cloud the issue and heighten the emotions.

Q: I am in the process of going through a divorce, which doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that I have become interested in another woman. I'm 25 and she is 37. To me, age isn't a deciding factor... she also agrees, I think. My question is that I really am attracted to this older woman and she means a great deal to me for being there when I needed her, and for the fact that no matter how bad I feel about something, when I talk to her, nothing else matters in this world. I forget where I am and what I was doing and all that matters to me is this older woman. How do I show her how much she means to me? Telling her is easy, but I want to show her. - Interested in Older Woman

Dear Interested in Older Woman,
If age isn't an issue, then why do you repeatedly refer to her as "this older woman"? Are you sure you're looking for a woman and partner and not a mom? I could be wrong, and I probably am, but I'm not sure if this is a case of adult love or you just being a wounded puppy.

Women of all ages like to be cherished and made to feel special. It could be a simple as giving her a bouquet of her favorite flowers with a love note attached, giving her a special present - a small token of your affection, or making her a romantic candlelight dinner at your place. You could plan a surprise weekend getaway. If there's a play, concert, or exhibit that you know she would really enjoy, get the tickets and put them in a beautiful heart shaped box. Whatever you do, if it comes from your heart, believe me, she will appreciate it.

Q: I've been contemplating my relationship for more than a year now. I've been with my fiancé for four and a half years. I moved to California with him in 1998. We are great friends but I feel like the passion has gone. We've never had a great sex life, but for more than a year now I have had no interest in sex with him at all. I still enjoy sex, just not with him. I discovered this when I went home for the holidays and met up with an old boyfriend I cheated. I feel terrible about this, but it is not the first time it has happened. I've cheated with one other person just after our move in 1998. I know he deserves someone that will be faithful to him, but I'm afraid if I leave him I will regret it forever.- Uncertain in LA

Dear Uncertain in LA,
I'm a believer in fidelity. You're engaged, so I assume you willingly accepted his proposal, and that no one forced you to make a commitment to him. When you two made a commitment to each other, I also assume you did it in good faith and that you made several promises to each other. Did some of these promises include trust, being faithful and honest?

A committed relationship has three commitments within it. The first commitment is to yourself, the second commitment is to your partner, and the third commitment is to the relationship. As far as I can see, the only commitment you've kept is the one you've made to yourself to do whatever you want regardless of how it impacts on your partner or the relationship.

If everything else but the sex is great in the relationship and you want to "be" in the relationship, which really means being in the relationship, then suggest to your partner that the two of you go for counseling to a sex therapist who can help you bring the romance and passion back into your relationship.

No matter what you do, stop cheating on him. It's disrespectful to him and yourself.

Q: So how exactly do you get in touch with your feminine side?-Want to Become Feminine

Dear Want to Become Feminine,
Your feminine side is your "being" and your receiving side. Your masculine side is your "doing" and your giving side. So, at any moment, if you don't know whether you are in your masculine or feminine side, look at your behavior in the situation and evaluate it based on the above criteria. The first step towards changing a behavior is to recognize it. If you want to know whether your behavior is working for you, look at your results. Are you attracting the kinds of men you want to attract? Are you in the kind of relationship you want to be in?

I do classes and workshops on this very subject. In my classes, What Men Want and Are You Sexy, Smart, Successful and Still Single I discuss "how to be and become" feminine again. You might want to take one of my free or 3 week fee-based classes. To learn more about these classes and how you can register click here

Go to my dating tips and read the dating tips for women. There is a lot of good information about how to stop being an Alpha Female and start being a feminine Queen Bee.

If you want to change your thinking and behavior, you might want to consider having a one-on-one telephone coaching session with me. I have been very effective in helping women recognize their Alpha Female characteristics and then changing them to bring out more of their feminine side. To set up an appointment call 310.394.2647 or send me an email.

Q: I am a 36-year-old man. I have not dated since my divorce in 1990. My problem is this that I am deeply attracted to a woman 17 years my junior and I have no idea how to bring to subject up to her. I have always felt uncomfortable try to express my feelings. Could you please help, being alone for 10 years has taken it toll on me-Alone Too Long

Dear Alone Too Long,
Lots of men are uncomfortable with expressing their feelings. It takes courage for you to be honest with yourself and admit that. It takes even more courage for you to write to me, as you know I will tell you exactly how I see it.

No one should be alone. I can totally understand your loneliness and perhaps insecurity about going back into the dating world. Your divorce hit you pretty hard and left some deep scars. It's great that you want to start dating again as that means you've healed and ready to get on with your life. Congratulations. However, I think you would be much better off dating women in your own age group. You probably will have much more dating success. I don't think you have a lot in common with a 19-year-old girl. You're not on the same playing field; you probably don't speak the same lingo; and you probably live in totally different worlds with different expectations.

You asked for my help. Here it is. I personally don't think she is for you. Ask a woman out who is closer to your age and who probably likes the same music and movies. Go out as friends. When we go out on a date with friendship and no other expectations in mind, we give ourselves permission to be more of who we really are. When we are ourselves, we tend to open up more, communicate more, let go of some of the shyness, and even…sometimes…have a good time and enjoy ourselves.

The only way that pain in our heart goes away is to replace it with love. Set yourself up to win again and let love fill your heart.

Q & A: "How should I tell her I want her?"

2008-04-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

Q: I don't date co-workers, but last November, a co-worker persuaded me to go out with him. The week after the date, he was a sweetheart. He would call regularly (without suffocating me) and we really hit it off. He's nine years my senior, but neither of us had a problem - until his sister (my age) and his mother expressed uncertainty with the age gap. We went out again to test the waters, but ultimately he said he wanted to be friends and see if it led anywhere - no physical contact.

I'm not the type who can sit back for six months and see if a relationship develops, but I enjoy his friendship. I quit returning his calls and was very professional at the office, but didn't take any further steps. After a month, I finally figured that he'd be a good friend and took him to dinner for his 30th birthday. Quite by accident, things became physical and it felt like a date. Since then, I've come to the realization that I can't just be his friend and I cancelled our plans for Valentines Day. When we last spoke, he said I was confusing him and if I wanted to talk, I could call him. He gets along wonderfully with my family. To all of our friends, it "looks" like we're dating. Both of us maintain we're just good friends, but I know he wants to be with me - otherwise he wouldn't call and make plans. I don't want to break the "don't call" rule, but I know this man well enough to know that he won't make the first move - again.

Normally, I'd move on and forget him, but I like this one more than I've liked anyone in a while. The real clincher - he's afraid to love anyone because he doesn't think it will be reciprocated. Oddly enough, that's the whole reason I don't want to be "just friends" - I'm afraid I'll fall in love with him, too. What do I do? - More Confused Than He Is

Dear More Confused Than He Is,
Get honest with yourself before you pick up the phone. If you're not willing to play full out, to be vulnerable, take risks and give up control, don't call. However, if your desire for a relationship is greater than your fear of rejection or the fear of it not working out, then do not pass go, do not collect $200 but CALL this man and forget about the "don't call" rule. Rules, even my rules, are only guidelines. You have to follow your heart, your core values, and maintain your own dignity and self-respect. As Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true."

In this case, you have to make the call. He has every right to be confused. You're sending this poor guy mixed signals. No wonder he doesn't know what to do. No matter what he does he can't win. Ask yourself this question before you make the decision whether to call or not to call. Do you want to be right (that you're not worthy enough to beloved and in a loving relationship) or do you want to be loved? (Being loved requires taking a risk and allowing yourself to be vulnerable by removing those self-created walls that have kept a man away from you and kept you away from a man.)

Q: I'm 19 and in my country there is a mandatory army service of 3 years, and I do my service in a closed base. There are about 90 people on the base and everyone knows everyone else. There is a girl on the base who I became good friends with 2 ½ months ago. We enjoy really great communication, make each other laugh, and enjoy each other's company. Needless to say, I have fallen in love with her. But I don't know if she's interested.
Although it can ruin the good friendship we have, I can't go on living like this and I need to know if there could be something between us. I have 2 problems: 1) Every time I start to her to tell her, I see her wonderful eyes, face and smile and I can't seem to let the words come out of my mouth. 2) How should I tell her I want her? What do I say? Should I tell her exactly what I feel which can scare her away or should I be less straightforward? Please help me. - Desperate

Dear Desperate,
The only way to find out if she is interested is to ask her. You have to tell her how you feel and ask her if there's interest on her part. However, don't tell her that you've already picked out your first-born child's first name. That will appear very desperate and needy.

Take a breath first and get that fear of rejection out of your mind and your body. Love yourself and her enough to take the risk to find out what are her feelings for you. People, at the end of the day and the end of their lives never regret what they do, but are filled with regret for what they didn't do. So go for it! Write down what you want to say to her and then take it with you. When you open your mouth, and if the words won't come out, tell her you want to read her something. Always be prepared. And you might want to bring her one flower. Women love flowers. It's not essential; it's just a great-added touch.

And don't make any assumptions about what she will or won't say. Remember, she is first your friend. So talk to her as your friend - with honesty and authenticity. When you look into her eyes and see her smile, remember that she is you friend; that the two of you have already established a bond of trust. And don't be afraid of ruining the friendship. True and real friendships can and do endure hardships and obstacles. Maybe you'll gain a lover and mate in addition to a friend.

I can't tell you the correct words to say. Listen to your heart. Your heart will tell you the right words to say. But I would tell her how much you love the time the two of you spend together, how she makes you laugh, how you think about her wonderful eyes and radiant smile. Tell her that you know you're taking a risk and risking the friendship, but you just have to do it. No body in this world is guaranteed tomorrow. All each of us has is today and we have to make today count. Tell her you're crazy about her and would like your relationship to be more than friends. Then ask her how she feels about it, but don't pressure her. Make her feel safe and give her the space to answer from her heart. Good luck.

Q: Why is communication and decision making important in a relationship?-Communicating

Dear Communicating,
Great questions. Before I answer them let me first define what is a relationship. It is a particular type of connection and involvement existing between people. And the way you establish connection is through communication. Communication is the exchange of thoughts, ideas, and messages either verbally, visually, in writing, or through signals and behavior.

The purpose of communicating is to express yourself in a way that is clearly understood by your partner. Communicating is the vehicle through which two people connect with each other. Without it, you don't have a relationship, and without it being open, honest and authentic, you can't have a healthy relationship.

Decision-making is using your power to determine what choices you want to make. Only you are and can be responsible and accountable for decisions you make. Everything in life is a choice and how you operate in any relationship is always a choice. Therefore, the decisions you make always impact on the kind of relationship you have. Now you can see why communication and taking responsibility for one's decisions are essential parts to any relationship.

Q: To be honest with you, I've never done this before. I've always been very good at giving advice to others in matters of the heart, but it seems like I can never help myself. Here is my problem. I'm one of those nice guys that always finish last. I'm one of those rare guys who believe in chivalry. I'm courteous, honest, funny, intelligent and educated. I've had many women tell me I'm cute and physically attractive. I guess one of my problems is I'm very picky with the women I'm interested in. I look for women who have a sense of humor, and are very opinionated, who are strong willed, independent, yet romantic. I've always been a sucker for buying roses and picking up the tab at dinner. It's been over 2 years since my last relationship.
I met a girl who came onto the job about a year ago and we became fast friends. I wanted to pursue a relationship, but I had promised myself never to get involved again with a co-worker. We continued to become closer and closer friends, and it was finally revealed months later that she had feelings for me. Unfortunately, because of my stubbornness to not date a co-worker, she met a guy and they were now dating. Still we continued to get closer and now we can't go to bed unless we say goodnight to each other on the phone. We've shared out feelings for each other but she still cares for her boyfriend. Both of us have very high morale standards and we don't believe in cheating.

I feel that we're in a bad situation, and have considered and discussed with her about leaving the job or giving each other some space. Yet, we are still close friends and neither of us wants to sacrifice that. You can see how complicated all this is. I wish her boyfriend would do something stupid so she would break up with him. I'm a constant temptation for her and when they've had a fight, she always seems to turn to me.

She has admitted that if she were not seeing her current boyfriend, that probably I would be her boyfriend now, which makes me regret my promise years ago. She has told me she does not by any means want me to wait for her. But there seems to be no one else I'm attracted to at this point. Don't get me wrong. Things at work are great. Everything is great when we're together. Although let me stress we've never done anything at all physically, but is our feelings for each other cheating anyway? I'm just very confused and I wish I knew what to do. Some of my friends tell me to totally cut my ties with her until she is single, and some tell me to bide my time for now. I would really appreciate some advice. I don't want to lose her, but I'm thinking it may be the best thing for the both of us if we part ways.- Morality Stinks

Dear Morality Stinks,
She gets to have her cake and eat it too. She's on the playing field and she has you waiting in the wings. No, your thoughts are cheating. You've maintained your integrity, dignity and self-respect by not crossing the line of putting your thoughts into actions. Good for you. I'm sure that requires an enormous amount of self-discipline, but more importantly, you have core values and a healthy belief about yourself.

Sometimes the truth hurts, but here goes. If she wanted to be with you, she could break up with her boyfriend. She does have free will and choice. I don't think her boyfriend is forcing her to stay in the relationship.

You made a decision to not date co-workers. Now you regret that decision. You can't take back that decision, but you can forgive yourself for making that decision and move on with your life. My advice is to make a clean break. Cut the ties with her. And tell her the timing is wrong. She's just not available, so you're moving on. If there comes a time when both of you are single and available then perhaps you can start dating.

Right now your relationship is toxic. You're waiting for her to break up with him so you can start living. As long as you talk about living, you're not living. My suggestion is to start living now. You never know what can happen while you're living your life.

Q & A: "How do I flirt and let a guy know I'm interested"

2008-04-16T14:45:00.000-07:00

Q: Do I have to give up me in order to be loved by you?
No. Even though you think you're in love, you're not. You're suffering from the disease to please. The symptoms of this deadly disease are: you'll do anything to have someone love you and the word doormat in neon letters miraculously appears on your forehead. You not only let your partner walk all over you, you give him or her your permission. Despite what you think, giving up who are in the name of love is not love. It's called acting. And like all actors who, when they think they have given the performance of a lifetime, don't win the Oscar, become resentful. You'll only wind up resenting yourself and your partner. If your partner can't handle the real you, practice these words. Repeat after me, "next!"

Q: All my relationships seem to be messy.
Become a self-cleaning oven. There is something in the universe called the law of attraction. Clean up your act and you'll start attracting healthy partners and loving relationships.

Q: At the end of our first date, we both told each other that we had a good time, but we didn't make any future plans. It's only been two days, should I begin to think that he was just saying what I wanted to hear?? I did call and leave a message when I got home saying that I had a nice time and will talk to him soon. Is it okay for a girl to call the guy a couple of days after the date?
Next time wait for him to call you and tell you what a nice time he had. During that call, you can also let him know that you had a great time. Remember, the girl chooses the guy, based on the number of guys she attracts. So, if he wants to get chosen by you, he needs to call. The answer is N-O. You don't call. I don't care if this is 2001. Regarding, what's going on in his mind and whether he's going to call, I'm all out of my ESP pills. I can't predict the future, but I'll tell you this much, if you wait by the phone - you won't have a life and then no one will ask you out. And if you call him, you'll never know if he would have called you. Plus you've broken one of the cardinal rules of being a queen bee.

Q: My girlfriend and I recently broke up. She said I was smothering her and, that in jumping into bed too soon we had sed themis best buddies stage. Then she gave me her list of dating dos and don'ts for the relationship, including no sex and don't call as often. I felt like I would end up being strung along on a leash always wanting to be close to her. I don't like her terms. I did call on Christmas and told her, if she wanted to get back together, she would have to call me. Did I do the right thing?
I take it communication and negotiation weren't part of your relationship. Successful relationships are based on learning these two skills and using them. Any time two separate people come together, there has to be give and take in order for the relationship to be satisfying for both people. Remember, the person who loves or cares the least, controls the relationship. In choosing a partner, I much prefer having a collaborator over a dictator.

Q: On our second date we didn't have sex but we engaged in extreme foreplay. He wants to see me again. What do I do about our future dates? I want to gain his respect and have a relationship.
Talk to him. Be open, honest, vulnerable and share your feelings with him. Tell him that you don't feel comfortable with what happened and that things are moving too fast. You'd like to spend some time getting to know him, not his body. On your future dates, this is what you do, open your mouth, open your heart, and keep your legs crossed and your body off limits. Sometimes passion happens and momentarily kills our brain cells. Remember dating can cause temporary insanity and make you lose perspective. So, now that you know you can be more conscious.

Q: How do I flirt and let a guy know I'm interested; that I would like to get to know him better?
Be approachable and look like you are approachable. Don't just be approachable in your mind and heart. Most men are visual. You have to give them clues, just in case they forgot to take their ESP pills that day. This is what you do. Look at him, smile, and be inviting. Be authentic and for real. Guys always have their trolling for women radar on to see if they are in friendly or enemy territory.

Q: I'm torn between two guys. The man I am seeing now is wonderful and treats me like gold. I am developing feelings for him. However, I'm still crazy about the guy I used to date even though he is not emotionally available and won't be ready for anything long-term for some time. I've tried listening to my heart, but it keeps waffling. What do I do?
Why would you want to be with someone who isn't available? (Perhaps so you can keep chasing after love? Or, perhaps so you can be right about yourself, that you're not worthy of being loved so you'll never find someone to love you. A man who isn't available isn't going to love you.) Remember, golden rule of dating - you only love those who love you. What do you want? A boyfriend and a real relationship or a pet project?

Q: I have a major problem. It seems that I have a hard time finding Mr. Right. I don't know if I expect too much, or whether it's me, or if it is even possible to find someone.
So you want to find Mr. Right. First of all queen bees don't find men - they attract them. It's a guy's job to find women. Stop doing a man's job of finding and starting doing your job which is to attract them. Second of all, get rid of the long laundry list. Decide what are your primary dealmakers and what are your dealbreakers. Then start trusting that the right ones will show up in your life. However, in order to trust, you have to believe that you deserve to have a great guy. If you don't believe you deserve Mr. Right, you'll keep attracting Mr. Wrongs.

You see, you get what you believe - not what you wish or want but what you "truly" believe. Where you are in your life is the result of your beliefs. Look at your beliefs because they put you there. I'm not telling you to settle for anyone. But picky people are hard to please. You pickiness keeps you alone. It stops you from having to be in a relationship and let's you be right - that there's something wrong with you, that there are no more great men left, and that you'll never find Mr. Right. So here's the challenge. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

Q: My boyfriend left me a "Dear Jane" letter on Christmas Eve day. I had left him sleeping to go to the grocery store to buy food for Christmas dinner and when I returned, he was gone and a note was left in his place in the bed. I am horribly upset and am trying to make sense of it all. I am trying to figure out whether his feelings had changed or the discussion the night before had pushed him over the edge. Am I nuts for wanting to pursue a relationship with someone who could leave me like that?
Real men stay and talk things out. Those with no cojones write letters and run away. You have to ask yourself, why would you want someone like this? Someone who would never be there for you when the going gets rough. I'll give you the answer, because you don't think enough of yourself; because that's all you think you deserve.

This guy really gave you a gift by walking out. The gift was the opportunity to value yourself enough to start making better choices in men, and to stop trying to fix relationships that aren't worth fixing.

Q: He says I don't turn him on anymore, but that I am still sexy and the sex is good. What does he mean? It's confusing.
Don't try to figure him out or what he says, just stop sleeping with him. The sex may be good but the relationship is not. A man with any integrity doesn't continue to sleep with a woman after he tells her she doesn't turn him on anymore. And, any woman with any brains or self-respect would refuse to be a doormat or should I say sexmat. Do you want to be in a relationship with a man where the passion is one sided?

Q: This is a pretty dumb question. I feel stupid, but I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he's never got me to reach an orgasm. How can he get me to reach climax?
There are no dumb questions and you shouldn't feel stupid. Many women never climax and they just accept it. I commend you for your courage to be proactive and for your desire to want to be fulfilled. For the best advice, contact a sex therapist who has been trained in this area.

Q: I'm a 15-year-old male. I just started dating this 16-year-old girl. We talked all the time before we went out. Now that we are going out I feel very uncomfortable with myself because I get really shy when I'm with her. I really love this girl and she means everything to me and I don't want to lose her. Why do I get so shy around the girl of my dreams and how can I change my ways so I can open up and be very talkative with her? I want to be the best boyfriend I can be to her.
I think it took a lot of courage to write this letter. Your girlfriend is very lucky to have you as her boyfriend. I know many girls and women who wished their boyfriend cared enough about them to want to be the best boyfriend they could be. So you're already ahead of the game. The reason you get so shy is because you're afraid that you're going to make a mistake and do something that will cause your girlfriend to reject you. Being rejected is a guy's worst nightmare.

When you two were just friends, you didn't have a lot at stake. You didn't worry if she liked you or accepted you for who you are. You could be comfortable in your own skin and with her. It was okay to be yourself. But now that you're boyfriend and girlfriend, you think you have to be different; that who you are isn't good enough anymore. Here's a secret. She liked you as a friend, that's why she chose you for her boyfriend. The way to be the best boyfriend you can be is by cherishing her, making her feel special, communicating with her, listening to her and by being your authentic self.

When you're with her, stay focused on the idea that she's not only your girlfriend but also your best friend. Best friends have a special relationship. They trust each other, feel safe with each other, and know that no matter what happens, their best friend accepts them for who they are.

Relationships get screwed up when people start pretending to be someone they aren't. Healthy relationships are created as the result of two people taking a risk to be their authentic selves. In your case, a way to be more relaxed around your girlfriend is to make dates around activities that you both enjoy, such as sports, hobbies, and movies.

Q & A: "She misses the city and her friends"

2008-04-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

Q: I like this girl a lot and I can't seem to get over her. The problem is that she has a boyfriend, so there's not much I can do. What should I do so that she could pay lots of attention to me.-She Has a Boyfriend

Dear She Has a Boyfriend,
If you start seeing other girls, you'll be a lot less needy. Neediness is not an attractive quality and definitely won't make you a girl magnet. Sometimes, gals and guys become more attractive when they aren't so readily available. The reason is that when people are living their lives full out, they are alive, energetic and interesting. Vibrant and alive people are date magnets.

Q: I live in a small town. My girlfriend just moved here from a big city and so she doesn't have any friends. She misses the city and her friends. What can I do to help her with this difficult transition?—Small Town Guy

Dear Small Town Guy,
You sound like a great guy and your girlfriend is very lucky. Every new place has something wonderful to offer. Be her tourist guide. Expose her to local things that she would never find in the big city so that she won't feel so much an outsider. Then help her find an outlet to pursue her hobbies. Do volunteer work together. It's a great opportunity to give to the community, step outside of yourself, and meet new people.

Throw a party to introduce her to some new people. Whatever your girlfriend is into, make that the theme of the party. It could be really fun. Here's another idea. If either of you are computer savvy, create a web page that lets her share new home with her old friends in the city. She can share her experiences but putting photos up. And it's cool to have your own personal website.

Q: What am I going to do? I have been with this guy for four years but last night I kissed his cousin. Not just a peck on the cheek or lips but a true kiss! Should I feel this guilty? Before I was dating my current boyfriend I dated his cousin, but like I said, I have been with my boyfriend for four years. What can I do?—Confused and Happy

Dear Confused and Happy,
The only way to get rid of guilt is to first forgive yourself for what happened. It already happened and you can't do anything to take it back. Now ask yourself this question. If your boyfriend kissed your cousin whom he had dated before, how would you want him to handle it, given that you are his long-term girlfriend. And that's what you should do. Remember, treat others the way you would want to be treated. Integrity and character determine who you are and the type of life you decide to have.

Q: I recently started dating a guy who is divorced with a small child. He and I live in different states. I went to visit him for a couple of days, and while we were together he spent a lot of time on the telephone talking to his ex-wife. They also seemed to be arguing about their child more than discussing parenting. He says he is not interested in her, but it was very uncomfortable for me. I didn't want to listen to it and felt like maybe, since I was there a couple of days, he could have waited until I was gone to talk to his ex-wife about these issues. I have never been in this situation before and don't know what to expect.—My Boyfriend and his Ex

Dear My Boyfriend and his Ex,
Exes have a way of hitting all our hot buttons, at the most unexpected times and inconvenient moments. Having said that, he was still totally wrong. Plain and simple, he handled the situation poorly and was inconsiderate of you. This doesn't make him a bad guy though. And you shouldn't read him the riot act, but it seems to me that the two of you need to have a conversation about how the two of you spend quality time together. Be supportive of his situation. It's not easy being a divorced father because he knows he will always have a connection to the mother of his child and that they will be in each other's lives because of that child. But don't be a doormat either.

Remember as you're talking with him about this that men don't like to be criticized, condemned, conquered or made wrong. They want to be praised, reinforced, and made to feel as if they are winners. Tell him that because you live in different states, you look forward to your quality time together and you'd prefer for both of you to be really present when you are together. Share with him that you totally understand his difficulties and responsibilities in being a divorced dad and trying to get along with an ex and, that the next time you visit, you would prefer to have some uninterrupted time with him. Tell him how you feel and what you prefer. If you order him or dictate the terms and conditions, you can say adios right.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months. Lately I've noticed that he makes racist comments and is very judgmental of others. He and I come from very different backgrounds. I was an extremely straight-laced teenager, he was wild. I love so much about him, he's supportive of my working towards my bachelor's degree, he loves me as well as my family, he is extremely respectful of me...the good seems to outweigh the bad but it disturbs me to think that if we have children he will pass these attitudes on to them. He has promised to curb the attitude, is it worth it for me to stick around and see if he can? —My Boyfriend Makes Racist Remarks

Dear My Boyfriend Makes Racist Remarks,
You don't want him to curb his attitude you want him to have a complete attitude make over. And I agree with you, but he has to want to change. You can't do it for him. And, if you make allowances for his remarks, you're only reinforcing his racist behaviors. You have to let him know that that type of attitude and behavior is totally unacceptable to you and that you won't be in a relationship with anyone who exhibits such behavior. Then it's up to him to do something about it. Of course, if he wants you to, you'll be right there to help him change his attitudes.

Racism is based on self-insecurity, fear, anger and resentment. Many of our parents' attitudes are passed on to us. But there comes a point in time when each individual must decide for himself or herself what is right and what is wrong. Racism is always wrong. You never want to teach children to hate. Remember, a parent teaches a child what he or she knows. As for me, I wouldn't marry a man filled with hate.

Q & A: "I can't meet anyone"

2008-04-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

Q: True a lot of guys look for stimulation in all 3 areas but I think guys compartmentalize and don't necessarily need to find all 3 satisfied in the same person. Eventually this will happen, but I personally would not ever tell a man to put himself in a mind-frame, unless he is married, to seek all three in the same woman. It is too much to expect. I had a situation in college where I was pursuing one girl for dates and dinners and good conversation, etc. but she and I were both hesitant to move sexually. After the dates, there was another 'booty call' girl at 2am sometimes. Both the mental and physical needs were satisfied just by different people.

Most men need to fantasize. I personally don't have a double standard in this. If I had a s/o (significant other) who liked male porn to a degree, it would be okay with me. In most cases, guys cannot substitute porn for the real deal OK. The dirty mags are not a real threat to the s/o. Unlike women, guys see hundreds of women in a day they wouldn't mind having sex with. Women teach themselves they shouldn't be attracted to so many people sexually. I think society teaches women to restrain their sex drive too much. It would be comforting to think if more women did this, then they may not have so many emotional issues regarding sex. -Men and Porn

Thank you for this letter, which is in response to post and reader letter Not All Men Like Porn. I always appreciate hearing from my readers and learning their views.

Q: I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years back in June. Since then I dated one guy who turned out to be a major jerk for 2 months or so. Since then I haven't. I can't meet anyone. I am totally frustrated and lonely. What I am I doing wrong? —Can't Meet Anyone

Dear Can't Meet Anyone,
Are you looking for quality or quantity? For the right man or a mere replacement? Let's look at the last 5 months. You broke up with you ex in June, so let's figure it took three weeks for you to heal (or do something to get over the loneliness), then started dating again, and then dated a guy for two months, that didn't work out, so that brings you up to today.

Take a breath girlfriend. You've already diagnosed the problem yourself. Your frustration and loneliness are showing up as desperation. Desperation is not very attractive to men. Maybe that's why there is no perfume called Desperation. Start getting comfortable in your own skin. Nurture yourself and treat yourself wonderfully well. Get together with your girlfriends and give each other facials, manicures and pedicures. Have a girl's night out.

Concentrate on making yourself happy instead of trying so hard to find someone who will love you. Instead, start loving yourself more and let that self-love attract someone. Self-love is a potent perfume.

Q: Recently a girl I have been friends with for a long time and I had sex. The problem is that we have always been just good friends. We were drunk and it just happened. I think we both realize that it was a mistake, but we can?t take it back. The big problem is that now we both feel really weird around each other. She is avoiding me and I am kind of doing the same. I hate to lose a friend over this.?Had Sex With a Friend

Dear Had Sex With a Friend,
Now is the time to be the manly man. Take charge and face the music. Okay, you?re both embarrassed and you don?t know how to handle it, so you?re running away and hiding, hoping "it" will go away. Well, it won?t, because whether you remain friends or not, both of you will play the instant-replay tape over and over again in your mind. So get it out in the open.

This is what you are going to do. Be the consummate gentleman. Call her up and take her out to dinner to her favorite restaurant. Create a safe space for her to be open and vulnerable. Tell her how sorry you are that it happened and how much you value her and her friendship. And, that you want to open the lines of communication so you both can rebuild your friendship.

Most importantly, learn from this. The lesson is don?t get drunk with people you care about because you know you'll get out of control.

Q: I need your advice badly. I just met someone through the local personals and apparently we have the same acquaintances and now I'm feeling awkward about meeting him. What should I do? -Met Online but we have mutual friends

Dear Met Online,
There?s no stigma attached to online dating. You?re both looking for love in the same place at the same time. Go for it - meet him. And let me know how it turns out.

Q: I have this friend who has had a pretty bad track record when it comes to boyfriends. Basically, any guy who shows the least bit of interest in her gets the prize without having to meet any sort of standards. Well, now she's going out with this guy who, at first glance, actually doesn't look too shabby. He's good looking, popular, wealthy, and he used to treat her well. He takes up all of her time, and if she tries to explain that she needs to work or go out with her girlfriends, he puts her on a guilt trip or gets angry and she lets him win. As a result, we hardly see her outside of school anymore. Meanwhile, she obligingly goes out with him and his friends. When we invite the couple to come out with us, they always have an excuse. It has gotten to the point where she'll lie to us for him. She also lost her virginity to him which is a big deal to her.

Recently, many of her other friends have come forward with something they heard from her boyfriend's best friend which was that he slept with another girl. When she asked her boyfriend "Who could have possible started this rumor?" he became incredibly defensive and blew up at her. She wound up apologizing to him, as she always does. Then, at HIS request, she dumped every last one of those friends who told her the news. Having known her for eight years, I know an unhappy friend when I see one.

Her self-esteem has gone down the tubes, she relies on him for any feeling of self-worth. We've seen the influence he had on her, I mean, she gave up all those friends at the snap of his finger. I know she will stay with him no matter what he does to her. During the whole cheating business, she even stated, without shame, that even if he were to cheat on her she would not lose him. She thinks she loves him too much to leave him, even if he does not reciprocate the commitment she has given to him. I think I've done all I can as a friend, but it is so frustrating to see her doing this to herself! Is there anything more I can do? —A Frustrated Friend

Dear Frustrated Friend,
It's amazing what we will do when we so desperately want someone to love us because we don't love ourselves. Your friend's behavior is very common among women who don?t value themselves. Her self-worth is completely tied to being in a relationship, regardless of how abusive it is. All she knows is that someone is paying attention to her. People only change when they can't stand anymore what is happening in their lives.

If you know a "together" woman who is a few years older than you, ask her to mentor you and your girlfriend. Through mentoring, your friend will get a positive female role model that could influence and change her behavior. There's not much more you can do but continue to love her and be in her life, no matter how hard she tries to push you away. You really are a great friend, even if she can?t see it right now.

Q: This is my problem. I made the first move by calling the guy I like to tell him I like him. After reading your site about Queen Bees, can I get that alluring/mysterious thing back? He said he liked me too and I gave him my number because I was in a rush. —I Called Him First

Dear I Called Him First,
Yes, you can still be the Queen Bee and here's how. Let him do all the calling. Of course, return his calls, but don?t initiate anything. Your job is to be receptive to what he gives you. If you're not getting enough from him, let him know and move on. Don't do his job for him because then he'll have nothing to do.

Be friendly, but keep an air of mystery. This is what I mean. If a movie trailer told you the complete plot of the movie, you would never go see the film. If a movie review or book jacket told you the story, you would never read the book. So, yes be feminine - open and honest and vulnerable but, a good author brings you into the book, she doesn't tell you everything on the first page.

Q: My guy and I have been dating for 6 years. Both of our former spouses are deceased and we are both in our forties. The problem is I don't feel that he is committed to our relationship. His only child finishes law school this year. Last year, we discussed that when his daughter is out of law school, we could then make plans for our marriage. I have two children, ages 10 & 14, whom he treats well. Here's my problem. I am ready to settle down and begin a life with him. He tends to take me for granted. I am accepting of this to a point. He puts me on the back burner when his daughter is home from school during the holidays. This year he announced that the two of them are going to Amsterdam for New Years. When he asked what I wanted for Christmas, I told him an engagement ring. He did not mention any more about it, but the fact that he is going to Holland over New Years is just one more indication to me that he is not serious about our relationship. What should I do? If he does not give me a ring I think that indicates he has no intention of furthering things. What do you think? —Doubting His Commitment

Dear Doubting His Commitment,
Let?s not jump to conclusions just yet. I think you have felt taken for granted for quite a while, and now all those feelings have come to a head. The issue of Amsterdam for New Years isn't about Amsterdam, it goes much deeper.

In the past you have accepted being taken for granted and now you want to change the rules. The problem is that you haven?t told him that you've changed the rules. You think he should know. Maybe he forgot to take his ESP pills so he doesn't have a clue.

As a single parent, his devotion to his only child is understandable. He?s trying to compensate for her mom not being there, by being both parents to her. In terms of marriage, your letter indicated that you two would make marriage plans when his daughter graduates. Seems to me graduation usually occurs in June.

He sounds like a really great guy and that both of you have something wonderful and special. I suggest that the two of you, after Christmas, go out for dinner alone, and talk. I don't think he has a clue that you feel neglected. Explain to him how you feel, but don't make him wrong. Avoid the 3Cs, they will push him away. Give him the opportunity to tell you how important you are in his life and refresh his memory about the marriage talk you had. Be open and vulnerable, and give him a chance to respond. After the talk, you'll be in a much better position to evaluate where you go next. You'll know whether you're walking down the aisle or giving him his walking papers.

Q & A: "I want to date almost everyone I meet"

2008-04-16T14:39:00.000-07:00

Q: To repeat what you said regarding "red flags", it is definitely very important to trust your instincts. I was involved in a 4-month relationship with someone I met online. We met after exchanging emails for 1 1/2 months. He lived 2 miles from me, and had posted his picture so I assumed that he had nothing to hide (also, why would he say he was single and date in his own backyard to risk getting caught? I finally decided that the relationship was not "reality based." I had never been to his home, he always contacted me from either work or his cell phone (said that he had cancelled his home phone service which I checked out and found that the number was only unlisted) and we were only seeing each other once every 2-3 weeks.

Three days after breaking up I discovered he is married. I had decided to run a complete background search that I probably should have done sooner, but there was his marriage in 1998. I confronted him with this and he said it wasn't him, even after telling him that the person who told me was someone who used to work with him at a previous job. The next day he went to the web site where we had first met and he removed his pictures and totally changed his profile details so I knew I was right. I decided to contact his wife but unfortunately she is in denial (she is young, 31 years of age and says that she is aware of his internet activity and his viewing of pornography), but I explained that saying you are single and dating is a different story. Anyway, I did what I thought was right and have learned to be much more careful and to ask many more questions if I decide to go online in the future.?Trust Your Instincts in Online Dating

Dear Trust Your Instincts in Online Dating,
Thank you for sharing your horrible experience. We can all learn from it. It?s important to trust your gut. I?m glad you were wise enough to trust yours and did something about it right away. I?m always suspicious when a man refuses to provide his home and office number. Cell phone numbers are good to have in an emergency, but there?s something substantial about a landline.

Too often, because we want to love someone and to be loved, we refuse to see the red flags, even when they're waving in our faces. One has to be very careful when looking for love online. It can be awesome and awful. It's easy to get seduced by an email. So listen to your instincts and trust your gut.

Q: I am confused right now about dating. For weeks or even months I go through the phase "there's no girls to date", and then suddenly it seems I want to date almost everyone I meet. I like 2 women right now. I work with both of them. One I want to ask out but I don?t know if she has a boyfriend and I don?t know how to find out. The other woman I went out with last night. I?m not sure what she thinks of me and that?s bothering me. She is ten years older than me. The age difference is no big deal. She drinks a lot. I?m not big on drinking anymore. I like her personality as I was able to be myself and I didn?t have to hide. We both had a good time and she said she would like to get together again. What do I do? ?I Want to Understand Women

Dear I Want to Understand Women,
I don?t think it?s a good idea to date all the women you work with. That?s for starters. Second, if you don?t drink, why would you want to be with a woman who drinks a lot? I know you?re kind of shy and dating is scary because of the risk of rejection. No guy wants to be rejected. That?s why, sometimes, it?s easier not to date. After weeks or months go by, you forget about "the rejection thing" and you?re ready to hunt again. Just accept the cycles.

Be more discriminating in your selection of women. You don?t have to settle for a BTND ? a better than nothing date. The best way to find out if a woman has a boyfriend is to ask her out for a date. If she says yes, then you know she?s available and interested in you. If she says no, don?t take it personally and continue trolling for more women.

Q: I have been dating my boyfriend Jesse for about four months and its gone up hill and down very fast. Right now its really good and I am very happy. I never ever thought I would find love "on-line." To me it wasn?t going to happen, and I didn?t care. At first we were fighting, then I got to know him. He gave me his phone number and I started to call him. The bill was $600.000. Of course I had a lot of problems happen, and my dad eventually gave in and gave me his blessings and such. I love my dad very much and Jesse. I haven?t been this happy since my grandmother died last month. ?Love Online is Expensive

Dear Love Online is Expensive,
I know this is a really tough time for you, since your grandmother died last month. And, that your relationship with Jesse is helping you get through your grief. It's great to have someone there who cares about you, nurtures you and makes you feel special. He sounds like a very special guy-- a real hero.

And special guys are the ones who are supposed to call--not you. If you're read my columns, articles and dating tips for women, then you know that you're the Queen Bee and he's the one who is supposed to be pursuing you -- not the other way around. He's the one who should be calling you. Let him know how much he has helped you through this grieving process. Show him that you admire, respect and appreciate what he does for you and what he says. Then let him do the calling, at least most of it.

How about letting Jesse court you? Try writing letters or emails or sending love notes. Stop spending your life on the phone. And start living your life. If Jesse is a LDM (long distance man), and it sounds like he is from the telephone bills, then start putting more things into your life, so you're not so dependent on Jesse to make you happy. Start making yourself happy. Men don't like needy women. So don't be needy and don't pretend that you're not needy. Instead, start loving yourself more.

Give your father a BIG kiss and a hug and tell him what a great dad he is for caring about your feelings. Let him know how much you appreciate him being your dad. It sounds to me that you?re a very lucky lady to have two great men in your life. I know for sure that one of them definitely treasures you. Now let?s have the other one do the same.

Think of it this way. Your life is a pizza. And on it, you put all your favorite things you love. And Jesse is one of the toppings. He's not the only topping. Otherwise you'll get tired of having the same pizza all the time. Get the message? Write to me and let me know how it turns out.

Q: I met a guy at work. We work at different locations. We have known each other since January. About two months ago, he asked me out. He approached me very slowly and cautiously. During the last two months, we went out only three times. He has had two serious relationships at work before. The most recent one was last fall. He said his ex wants to get back together but he doesn't want to because he knows it's not going to work. He told me that he still misses her and has feelings for her. It really bothers me a lot. Even though I really like him, I am very disappointed and upset. I just can't understand if he is interested in me and has intention to pursue a relationship with me, how come he says that he still has feeling for his ex? I'm very confused. I'm a very faithful person and I expect him to be like me. Do I have to give him a chance? —Can I Still Trust Him

Dear Can I Still Trust Him,
This guy is being totally honest with you and you can?t handle it. You?ve decided that he?s "it" for you and you want to be his "it" girl. I can understand you disappointment because you?re not the center of his universe, but you?re moving too fast. You have only had three dates. You?re not in an exclusive committed relationship. He said he wanted to take it slow. Listen to him instead of trying to control the relationship and make it the way you want it to be. As far as expecting "him to be like me," do you want a partner or a clone? You?re not really giving him a chance to participate in this relationship. It seems to me that you have some trust issues, particularly since you?re already questioning whether he?s faithful and you can still trust him. Based on your email, he hasn?t given you a reason not to trust him. The basis for a lack of trust is fear, having been hurt, and really not trusting yourself and your decisions. If you?ve made bad decisions in the past or have been attracted to men who are not good for you, then notice your patterns and when you start to repeat them, stop yourself. In regard to this man, slow down, get to know him and establish some bonds of friendship instead of jumping to conclusions about who is and isn?t.

Q: A guy who works in the same building I work at has taken me to lunch 3 times. We both had a good time at the lunches. After the last lunch, he asked me if I wanted to "maybe do something next weekend." I said sure. He said we would see each other in the building next week and talk about it. When I saw him the next week he said that he thought we would be able to do something over the weekend but he was not too sure. He said he would let me know. I spoke to him a few times after that during that week. (We see each a couple times a day). He never raised the issue of the weekend date. His friend told me that he has said he is interested in me and likes me. He said he does want to take me out. (He has told me he is shy and I have seen evidence of that)

But, his behavior confuses me. He has never asked for my number. Sometimes when I walk past him, he only says hello. He does not try to begin a conversation. Other times he stops me to talk. Sometimes when I walk past him, he acts like he does not see me (I'm sure he does). Other times he maintains eye contact with me and gives me a huge smile. Also, he did not follow up on the weekend date offer.

Am I wasting my time in thinking about this guy? Does it sound like he is just slow and shy? (The 3 lunches were over the course of 1 month.) I don't know what to think. Help! ?Am I Wasting My Time

Dear Am I Wasting My Time,
One of the greatest fears for men is rejection. Men have fragile egos. And do you blame them? They are the ones who have to do the asking and who risk getting shut down and shut out. Having said that, he did have the courage to ask you out for lunch, not once but three times. And then he almost asked you out for the weekend, but he never followed through and he didn?t even have the courtesy to mention it. Hmm! This is a tough one because of his "shyness." Based on his behavior, he doesn?t sound like a man who follows through or a man of his word. So you have to ask yourself this question, do you want a wishy-washy guy who you can?t depend on?

Having said that, he does seem interested. So how can you find out? Flirt with him and let him know that you really liked those times you had lunch together. It made the workday so much better. Then, if and when he picks up the hint and invites you to lunch, let him know that you?ve got some open time over the weekend. If he jumps at the bait and ask you out ? great! That means it?s a definite ? no more of this maybe stuff. If not, move on and don?t make any more excuses for him.

Q: I met a woman at my work. I have seen her around, and we have exchanged hellos in passing, but not until recently did we become friends. We would chitchat at lunch, and on breaks, and so forth. After I while, I was feeling that maybe she was interested in me. She would give me a great big smile, and wave to me through the huge glass windows separating our departments, and I would kindly return the greeting. One day in general conversation she made it known that she was single, and her cousin was trying to fix her up on a date, but she had no intentions of going out with him, and dwindled on this subject, I assumed that she was letting me in on this information for a specific reason.

But, being my normal self, I panicked and didn?t follow up on it. After debating it inside my own mind that evening I decided to rekindle the conversation, and attempted to ask her out on a date. But I blew it. She was no longer the same towards me, no smiles, no "Hey what?s up?"? nothing. At first I figured maybe I was totally wrong about it, but I have always been a "people reader" and I could have sworn she was throwing me the right signs, I just messed up! Now she is engaging her time with another fellow, whom I already disliked for other reasons, and my question is how should I go about bringing her attention back to me. How should I go about letting her know, she's on my mind 24/7? —Bedazzled By Her Beauty

Dear Bedazzled By Her Beauty,
When she dropped the hint about her cousin trying to fix her up, she had hoped you would take the bait. When you didn?t, she felt rejected and hurt, so she pushed you away. She then set her sights on another guy. Don?t be angry with this other guy. It?s a waste of time and energy. And it?s not like he stole her from you.

Stop thinking you messed up. With that kind of thinking you?ll never feel confident enough to ask her out. You learned a lesson that is "feel the fear and do it anyway?seize the moment." You may risk rejection but in that same moment is the opportunity for reward. Flirt with her. Smile and compliment her. Keep complimenting her and making her feel special. Then ask her to lunch. If she says yes, great! If not, move on and find another woman to take to lunch.

Q: My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 1/2 years now and have shared many great experiences together. Recently, there has been a sudden change as I have started college at a University and she has stayed at the same community college where we both attended last year (made things more stressful), and now we are unable to spend nearly as much time together. I used to think that she depended on me too heavily, wanting me to do everything for her, and now since I've left she has become more independent. However, for some reason I keep feeling sorry for myself and worthless to the relationship and I feel if she senses this, she could become less interested in me. What can I do to look more on the bright side of things and be more confident about our relationship? —Not Feeling Like a Manly Man

Dear Not Feeling Like a Manly Man,
Whether you know it or not you are being a manly man. You take your manliness and masculinity to heart. You know it's your job to provide for, protect and serve your woman. And that's what you did. Now that you're away, you're afraid she won't need you anymore. Asserting her independence because you're not around is good. You gave her the confidence to do that. But, let me tell you -- she still wants you as much as before. Now you have a partner, someone who can build a life with. Congratulations! Keep making her feel special. Every woman wants to be made special by her man. And continue to encourage her and be supportive. But remember, in her eyes, you'll always be her guy - the one who, when push comes to shove - who has always and will always protect her, provide for her and serve.

Q & A: "My Guy Likes Porn"

2008-04-16T14:38:00.000-07:00

Q: I'm a 22-year-old computer technician who is devastated! I've been with a woman for 2 years now. At one point, after many months of hostilities from me I felt I had to end it. I loved her so much, but I was scared to commit, to say that she was the one. We continued to live together, which wasn't hard because my work takes me out of town most of the time. I started to want her back again, but said nothing out of fear that it would happen all over again. I decided I couldn't stand it any longer, and confessed my undying love for her. But she was already seeing somebody else. She had moved on. We continued to interact, and live together, but I became bitter and would occasionally say hurtful things that I knew not to be true, and didn't mean.

Now, after a couple months of that, she's at the end of her rope. If I would have asked her to marry me only 6 short months ago, she would have, but I wasn't ready. Now, she despises me. She hates me. She says that she never wants to see me again. She says I don't respect her and her decisions. Is she right? Do I not respect her? Or have I gone temporarily insane? Have I lost all perspective and judgment? I can't imagine my life without her. The hardest thing is knowing that I've turned somebody that wanted nothing more than for me to return her love into somebody that can't even stand to look at me. What can I do? —Now I Want to Commit

Dear Now I Want to Commit,
Life is based on the choices we make and the risks we?re willing to take. Every action causes a reaction. In choosing not to commit to the woman you love, you risked losing her. And, as a result, you lost her. She waited as long as she could. She didn?t want to wait forever and put her life on hold until you made up your mind or never made up your mind. To take care of herself and protect her heart, she made a healthy choice in deciding to move on, regardless of how much she loved you.

The action or inaction of your unwillingness to commit produced a reaction from this woman. And you don?t like the results that your choices and actions produced. I really feel your pain, sadness, and deep regret for the choices you made, but you can?t go back. Bring closure to this relationship by telling her you?re sorry for all the pain you?ve cause her because of your fear of commitment, that you love her and it was never your intent to hurt her, and wish her well in her new relationship. Then, start doing some work on yourself to deal with your anger, resentment, and fears of commitment. The lesson is to learn from our experiences so we can do our relationships better next time. Perhaps next time you?ll allow yourself to be more vulnerable, emotionally intimate, and risk making the "c" word.

Q: I've been dating someone for almost two months now. At the beginning, it was supposed to be casual. He said he didn't want a girlfriend right now because he hadn't really dated much - just had long-term relationships.

As time has gone on, things have changed. We became much closer. He let me know that The reason he didn't want a girlfriend is because he is looking for a wife. He doesn't want another dead-end 2-year relationship (we are both 31). Most of the time it feels like we are "together-together". This past weekend he even called himself my boyfriend. But then again, he didn't call me all last week. It's like he disappears for a while.

He sometimes talks about a "future" with me, but I can see that he's not 100% there. He gives some of himself, but not all. I'm wondering how I should handle this. Part of me says to end the relationship, since I don't feel as "cherished" as I would like (and deserve) to be. But then I wonder if I should just talk it out with him - see where he is. I've heard that if a relationship is "right" there shouldn't be a struggle, but is it ALWAYS that way? What about people overcoming tremendous odds to be together? They had to struggle, didn't they?

I have gotten mixed answers on this one. People who know both of us say that he is crazy about me, but others say that since he "made things clear" in the beginning, I should just give up. I'm really torn. What do you suggest? —Torn

Dear Torn,
You know I absolutely believe that it is a man?s role to cherish a woman. If a man doesn?t cherish a woman, she should just say next and move on. However, in your case, let me ask this question. Is it that you?re really not feeling cherished by him or is it that you aren?t able to control the situation and his behavior?

This is a new relationship; take the time to let it develop. You two are just getting to know each other. This is a very special time. Enjoy it instead of trying to control its outcome. Personally, I think the guy is scared of making a mistake. He doesn?t want to make another mistake; he wants to win this time. His other long-term relationships haven?t worked out, so in his mind he thinks he doesn?t have a very good track record. He wants to go slow to protect himself and his heart. He starts to jump in and then fear catches up with him and he backs off.

I think all your friends are right, but I?m glad you didn?t listen to them and instead wrote to me. Believe a man when he tells you he?s looking for a wife and not another girlfriend. That means he?s seriously looking for his partner. You?re both on the same page in terms of wanting a permanent relationship. The problem is that right now you?re only on page one but you think you?re on the last page. My advice to you is take a breath and chill. Hang in there and make him feel like he could win this time. Make him feel safe that it?s okay to be in a relationship with you.

Relationships are the most rewarding part of life and the hardest thing to deal with and do "right." It takes work and willingness to create a good relationship. So, are you willing to do the work? Let me know what happens.

Q: I write this message with a racing heart. I need to know if my relationship is in trouble.

My boyfriend and I have talked about stuff like porn in the past and he said, "all guys look at it, it's normal, it's a guy thing." So here I was on the computer and the history on it has links to cams and websites and stuff. When I was signing up to read my email, there was one for him too. I clicked on his (I swear it was an accident) and there was a message saying, "I would love to see a pic of you" sent to someone named hornygirl1.

He wants to marry me and tells me I am the only one. Is this something that is headed for trouble or should I think of it as "a guy thing?" —My Guy Likes Porn

Dear My Guy Likes Porn,
When someone looks for trouble they usually find it. Maybe next time you won?t look so hard. But now that you?ve opened up Pandora?s box, you have to deal with everything that is inside. Men who like porn, like porn. Your boyfriend told you, up front, that he looks at it. He?s being honest, good for him. In my opinion, looking at porn websites and web cams is not cheating on you, but having cyber-sex with someone else is. As for the email addressed to him that you read, don?t make assumptions about it, instead ask him. Tell him that you clicked the wrong email (I hope he buys it because I?m having difficulty believing it), you?re sorry, and that it was never your intent to check up on him. Before you talk to him, read my 3Cs. Whatever you do, don?t make him wrong. But do let him know how you feel about the email and your views about cyber-sex.

Q: First, I just want you to know how much help your site and advice section have been. I have even recommended it to some friends (both male and female). Thanks for providing such a great resource!

I am a 30 year old single female, and have been close to a special man for a couple of years - which have unfortunately been punctuated by my crazy travel schedule and some overseas assignments for a few months. Because of this, we have never gotten to the point of being "exclusive boyfriend-girlfriend" - but when we are together all other romantic potential relationships seem to evaporate after a few weeks. It's magical.

Recently, I have chosen to stop the traveling - not just because I missed him, but because of some other personal reasons. During this time, he has also left his job, and is looking for another one, and I have all the confidence in the world in him.

Unfortunately, he does not share my confidence, and this has hurt our relationship in that his "insecurities" about not having a job have made him not feel like dating right now. We are casually seeing each other, no pressure, not much in the passion department either.

His pushing me away has consequently given rise to some insecurities of my own. Is this really about his lack of a job? Are men that task-focused? Doesn't he understand I don't care about that; I just want to be with him? How can his masculinity and self-esteem be so tied up in a career - he has a bit of savings, and is doing well. Or is all this just an excuse - he really doesn't want to be with me? —Baffled

Dear Baffled,
Thank you for telling your friends about my site. I?m glad the information has been helpful. Now I hope I can help you. Men don?t think like women and we have different values. A man defines himself by his job. His job tells him who he is and reinforces his self-worth and opinion about himself. Men also believe that the world, including their women, see them and judge them in terms of their jobs. Since a man knows his role is to protect, provide and serve a woman, then part of fulfilling that commitment is to have the means to be able to do that. That means being employed.

I?m sorry but your guy is a guy! Don?t take his current actions and behaviors personally. They aren?t about you. He?s dealing with his own insecurities, self-worth, and self-respect. And he?s dealing with them the best way he knows how. And yes, his masculinity and self-esteem are directly tied to his career. A man usually doesn?t feel amorous when he doesn?t feel good about himself. Don?t press him. He doesn?t want to have to worry about performing. (I know you and many other women are going to think this is silly, but it?s absolutely true ? men do worry about their performance. The think about and worry about their ability to sexually please a woman).

So what to do? Love him by not putting any additional pressure on him. Make him feel admired, respected and appreciated. I know this won?t be easy because when he distances himself from you ? it hits one of your hot buttons and you take it personally. Don?t worry, it happens to all of us. The people we care the most about are the best at hitting our hot buttons (even when they don?t realize it). Believe me, he isn?t intentionally trying to hurt you or push you away, he?s just trying to deal with his life as he sees it.

We all want to live in the Magic Kingdom but magic isn?t that easy to achieve, so cherish what you two have. You?re both lucky to have each other. You obviously have something very special.

Q: I have been internet dating for about 8 months now. I have recently met a man who I would like very much to meet. The men I've met so far have always come to meet me here in my town. This new guy lives about 100 miles away. He's also very interested in meeting me. I have a sister who lives at the half-way mark and he would like me to meet him there. I've never traveled to meet a man and don't know if I should. I do go to see my sister and wouldn't mind combining meeting him and also visiting with her. He has suggested I ask my brother-in-law for an idea about a nice place for us to meet, have dinner and get to know each other in person since he is unfamiliar with the area. He has called me on the phone 5 times over the last 2 weeks and we have talked over 2 hours on those calls. He has given me his home number but I've never called him...I'd prefer he call me. He has been appropriate and I like the vibes I'm getting from him. So my question is...should I agree to meet him halfway? Would I be giving up being pursued in doing this?

We have talked about if we are interested and open to a distance type of thing and both feel equipped to handle something like this, at least for the time being. We are both seeking something meaningful and long-term too. What are your thoughts about this? ?First Meeting in a LDR

Dear First Meeting,
You already know my answer. He should come to you. You?re the woman and you?re either going to be the pursuer or the pursued. There?s no half-way point. Remember, how you start a relationship is how you?re going to be in the relationship.

Whatever you do will set the precedent. How willing or eager is he to have a LDR? It?s one thing to say you?re interested and open, and another thing to put your words into practice. If he?s really interested, nothing, not even 100 miles will keep him from you.

Q: I have been going out with this girl for 11 months now, and am having a problem with trust. I am really close to her. My problem is with her past. She?s had 3 one night stands in her past, and has been involved with many other guys. She is my first girlfriend and I just can't seem to block out her past. I have a feeling she is going to cheat on me. I don't know what to do. If I don't trust her 100%, should I stay with her, or should I move on? I am really having trouble here. Hopefully you can give me some advice. ?Can I Trust Her

Dear Can I Trust Her,
How do you know about her past? Did she tell you? If she did, then she trusted you enough to be honest, vulnerable and revealing about it because she felt you cared enough about her not to judge her. Has she cheated on you? Probably not. The reason you don?t trust her is because of your own insecurities. You feel inadequate because you don?t have as much experience as she does, and you think she?s going to lose interest because of that. That?s what you?re really afraid of. Based on your email, you haven?t given me -- even one reason why you shouldn?t trust her. It is truly an honor to a girl to be a guy?s first girlfriend. Does she know that she?s your first girlfriend? If not, tell her ? that to you ? she?s now and forever will be the most special girl in the world, because she is your first girlfriend.

Q & A: "My boyfriend is rushing me. And I'm thinking about dumping him"

2008-04-16T14:37:00.001-07:00

Q: I went out with this great guy I met online. He's funny, successful, polite, just perfect. We had a great date on Saturday and he said he'd call on Sunday, but he didn't. I don't get it. He also knows that I hate phone games but still seems to try to make me mad. - He Said He'd Call

Dear He Said He'd Call,
Why a guy doesn't call is one of the great unsolved mysteries. There could be any number of reasons why he doesn't call. Here are some of the top reasons:

At the end of the date, even though he's not interested, he wants to seem like he's the good guy and make a good guy exit. He thinks if he tells you that he's not interested you'll blast him. To avoid a hassle or confrontation, he'd rather just disappear.

He doesn't know what else to say, so the words "I'll call you" just fall out of his mouth

He lives by the 48 hour rule - wait so don't seem too eager. Then he forgets. And then he's afraid to call because he doesn't want to get criticized for not having called sooner. So he moves on.

He's afraid of being rejected.

He's not really available emotionally or is dating someone else.

My advice is don't take it personally and don't make assumptions. Move on. Remember #1 Rule: You only love those who love you. So stop pining away wishing he would call. Don't order in Dominoes Pizza and sit by the phone waiting; instead get over him, get over yourself and start being available to attract someone who is going to call you back. Most importantly, DON'T CALL HIM! You're running after him and doing his job.

Q: My boyfriend is rushing me. And I'm thinking about dumping him. I've told him to slow down and I told him no, but he still keeps pushing. What should I do? --He's Pushing Me

Dear He's Pushing Me,
Tell him that you're flattered by all his attention and that in his need to rush you he's not listening enough and not considering your feelings. Tell him once more how you feel and that you would hope that he would be respectful of your feelings and cherish you enough not to push so hard.

I know you're tempted to ask him this question which part of N-O do you not understand?, but don't do that. Instead, walk away being the goddess that you are; that will let him know what he just lost.

Q: I am recently separated. I have met someone at work that I adore. She is smart, beautiful, amazing. We have a lot of common interests. We have become friendly. She has invited me out for drinks after work several times. I feel a real chemistry. She is aware of my marital status. We will talk for hours over drinks.

If I ask her to have dinner with me on a day that she will not be in the office, do you think that she will "get"" that I am interested in getting closer to her? Is this just a bad idea? -- Newly Separated

Newly Separated
She's definitely interested. She knows your marital status. She's old enough to be served a drink, so she's old enough to take care of herself. When you ask her out for a date, I think she'll be quite excited. As for you, take care of yourself. Remember that you're just coming back into the dating trenches. So you're going to be somewhat vulnerable. Separation is difficult, no matter who initiated it and no matter what the reason is. Be good to yourself.

Q: I started dating again about three months ago. I meet one woman that lives in my small town and went out a couple of times. On the third date I finally got the nerve up to take her to a romantic walk on the beach with the full moon and finally kissed her. I saw here the next day and made sure she knew I had a good time. I sent flowers the day after and received an email from her saying she was sorry she didn't call but she loved the flowers and thought they were sweet. I have called her two more times and have not heard a word from her. I really thought that this was starting to work out. It has been almost seven days and no word yet. Am I being paranoid or is this a signal that it is not the same for her? Or maybe this is just not working right now. --Is She Interested

Dear Is She Interested,
This is a tough one to call. She may be shy and wants to be pursued. She may believe in The Rules, or she may not be as interested as you. Ask her out again. Don't leave her a message. Call and talk to her and find out. Remember, don't make assumptions about what another person is thinking or their actions, and no matter what they do, don't take it personally.

It's tough when you start dating again. It's not easy being in the dating trenches. But you will survive and even...thrive if you listen to my advice. Don't let another person's actions or inactions define you and determine your self-worth, no matter what happens. Whether the two of you go out again or not, doesn't decide on who you are. Only you can decide. Remember that and you'll be fine in still waters and even when the water gets rough in the trenches.

Q & A: "When Men Don't Call Back"

2008-04-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

Q: As a 23 year old female I am able/permitted to pursue a college degree, financial independence, and a blossoming career, but as you continually state in your posts. "I am not able/permitted to pursue a man."

I don't understand your theory behind this advice. You contradict your own advice and create a double standard which (in actuality) strips the man of his equality to women. You claim that women should NOT call a man, yet you advise them to find a man who WILL call them. What about the man who is waiting for a woman who WILL call him? Women are permitted to choose whom they want to be with, just as men are. Pursuing what you want (whether you get it or not) is a confidence booster not buster. It takes a great deal of self-confidence to pursue a man or a woman (and then live with the outcome). We are all only human, after all. We all share the same insecurities, drives, and fears. Therefore, whoever does the pursuing is simply the pursuer, not the man or the woman.

Don't you ever wonder what you could have had if only YOU had gone for it? Never finding out because you never tried for it is the worst failure of all-Pursuing vs. Pursued

Dear Pursuing vs. Pursued,
Thank you for your wonderful and thought provoking letter. I absolutely believe women should go for what they want in their lives and get it.

Let me clarify my beliefs. Women who are more comfortable with their masculine way of being, such as being the pursuer, the giver, and initiator all the time, should act accordingly. However, they should pursue men who are stronger in their feminine, so that a balance of the two energies is maintained. Relationships need a balance of giving and receiving energies, doing and being energies, passive and aggressive energies, masculine and counter feminine energies.

Alpha females, who approach relationships with their masculine energies and want masculine men who will treat them as feminine ladies, set themselves up to fail right from the beginning. Masculine men just aren't attracted to them because alpha females have a need to compete with men. Competition is a characteristic in work, not in love.

A masculine man wants a feminine woman who he can cherish, provide for, protect and serve. He wants to love his woman not compete with her.

You ask the question and make the statement, "Don't you ever wonder what you could have had if only YOU had gone for it? Never finding out because you never tried for it is the worst failure of all." My answer is NO. I go for what I want and I encourage all my clients, those who take my classes and workshops, and all those who listen to my radio show to go for what they want - all the time! The only difference is how you go about it.

The questions you should always ask yourself when pursuing your goals are:
Do you want to be right or do you want to win?
Do you want to be right or do you want to be loved?

And the "how" you go about pursuing and accomplishing your goal makes all the difference. I just provide a "how" that has worked for me and millions of other women.

My coaching, my site and all the work I do is about providing the "how" to win more, love more, and have better relationships in your life. Like you, I don't want to live in a world of regrets of never knowing what could have been if I had only had the courage to pursue my dream.

Thank you for your letter. But most of all, thank you for your courage and your willingness to risk it all to have your dreams. I applaud you for your self-confidence and for being a remarkable woman. I hope you will write to me and again and will visit my site often.

Q: I am 22 years old and have been single now for 10 months. My ex boyfriend and I dated for 6 years, so when it ended I was lost. I haven't really "dated", but I have lusted over many, many guys in the past months. They end up hanging out with me and acting like they are totally into me and then they never call. I know I am probably just picking jerks, but I do really like all of them and then when I am rejected it hurts 10 times worse. I know I can't make someone like me, but I have such a hard time finding someone that "I" actually like and when that does happen I usually get obsessed. My question is this- how can I not get so wrapped up in these guys and take it for what it is? How can I not take it so personal that they don't call me back? - When Men Don't Call Back

Dear When Men Don't Call Back,
First of all, it's always disappointing when our expectations are not met. And it's really upsetting when you're waiting by the phone and it doesn't ring. Just about every girl on the planet has been in that situation.

Take this time to build up yourself and your self-esteem. When you really like yourself, respect yourself, and know what you have to offer a man, you can say with absolute confidence that "it's his loss if her doesn't call you." And, "better that you found out now instead of later." Instead right now you, you'll probably doing the "woe is me" routine and feel that all the good ones are taken. With that mindset you've already set yourself up not to find anyone. You get to be right. Look at your results…you attract guys that don't call.

You can only have what you believe you can have. And what you believe you can have is solely based on what you feel you deserve. Start doing some work on building that esteem and confidence. Make a list of your attributes. Start and finish a project that you've always wanted to do but didn't think you were good enough to do or could complete. Go out and mentor a kid. Do some community service. All of these will help put confidence points in your self-esteem bank. With better self-esteem, you won't settle for and obsess over guys who don't call back. And, pretty soon you'll stop attracting those guys of guys and starting attracting some real great men.

You might also want to consider taking one of my free telephone classes about The Secret of Relationships and What Men Want. Check out my current list of classes.

Q: I can't decide if the person I just starting to date is sketchy or not? He seems great, he's going to med school next year, he's religious, and many other things. So we had the sex discussion last night. He asked me how many partners I have had. Feeling that it's important I told him, and then I asked him. He refused to tell me! Then he said something that women are his "vice." Is this something I should be worried about?- Sex and Double Standards

Dear Sex and Double Standards,
Your question, "is this something I should be worried about?" In a word YES. Believe him, he's telling you the truth. And what's more, he wants to asks the questions but not answer them. Hmm! Does that tell you anything about him and his issues with control?

Q & A: "How do I get a pretty girl to like me?"

2008-04-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

Q & A: "He Doesn't Communicate"

2008-04-16T14:27:00.000-07:00