Friday, November 28, 2008

Sex is like good conversation

It’s not what you say, but how you say it. And who among us couldn’t benefit from a few elocution lessons?

The earlier sizzle, when men were so eager to show off their sexual prowess, was long past. Women are taught to let men take the lead, which is fine. But as we all know, men, and their penises, have limited attention spans and need constant entertainment. Sure, men have sporadic flashes of genius. But for the most part, sex could be reduced to kiss, touch, kiss, touch, kiss, pounce …

“That was great for me, was it great for you?” The familiarity of lying side by side with a couple of smooches and caresses is fine, but a little variation to perk up Mr. Stiffy is always a welcome change.

Everybody knows the basics.

Taking up these techniques while you’re dating will surely lead to a quick proposal of marriage. Introducing our tips if you’re married or in a long-term relationship will, undoubtedly, lead your partner to suspect you’ve been getting special coaching on the side. Tell him you have. Tell him whatever you want. But think of this book as your personal trainer, at a fraction of the cost.

“Can I see your tan lines?”

We offer this simple line because a question as this can get the ball rolling. When the opportunity to have sex presents itself, men don’t need cryptic, convoluted messages or fancy engraved invitations. On the other hand, they don’t want to be trampled like they’re in a subway at rush hour. So not so subtle is the key.

Let’s face it. Most women just don’t seem comfortable taking the suggestion of Marabella Morgan and greeting their partners at the door wrapped in plastic. Besides feeling like an idiot, you might end up looking like the last bologna sandwich left on the counter of 7-Eleven that no one wants to buy. Too subtle, like cooking a gourmet dinner at home, will only make him feel full and much too guilty about wanting to jump your bones after you’ve worked so hard. The way to a man’s heart might be through his stomach, but in this case you’re shooting for parts a bit lower.

Besides the tan-line, other tried and true lines you might use are:

  • To your banker boyfriend: “Wow, you’re been working out. Make a muscle.”
  • To your hippie English professor: “Do you really have a peace sign tattooed on your thigh?”
  • To your buttoned-down accountant: “Wait a second … let me get that thread off your pants.”
  • To your doctor: “Would you mind taking a look at this bite for a second?”
  • To your new friend at the bar: “I have to go. Will you walk me home/can you drop me off?”
  • To the delivery guy: “Just a minute, my handbag’s in the bedroom”

The variations are endless. Most men are bright enough to take the cue. All you have to do is come up with a line that works for you … this book teaches you all about it.

Just grab it

We’ve had numerous conversations about when you’ve gotten the guy into striking distance but are unsure about what to do next. Sure, you can look up into his eyes with a sexy come-hither glance. You can throw your arms around his neck and deliver a deep, wet kiss. Or you can slowly and seductively massage the knots out of his neck or back. These might work, but in the end, there is only one method that is absolutely fail-safe:

Take a deep breathe, emit slow, audible exhale, look into his eyes and just grab it.

You’re probably saying to yourself that he’ll think you’re a slut. Rest assured that any bad thoughts will be quickly dispelled by the novelty of your taking the lead and by your awesome performance. This WILL make him happy. A little ladylike initiative can go a long way. “Just Grab It” is more than a piece of advice.

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