Friday, April 11, 2008

Why Men Don't Call Back

I have received a lot of mail around this subject. In fact, I've done classes on it. Why men don't call back is one of the great-unsolved mysteries of the world. The answer to why men don't call back is because they don't. The "why" doesn't matter. But what does matter is a woman's reaction to it.

When a man doesn't call back, women take it personally and think there must be something wrong with them. After all, "he said he'd call." And then a women's what's wrong with me meter starts reading off the charts.

There's nothing wrong with you. Don't take his not calling personally. It's about him and his stuff. It's not about you. Don't sit by the phone waiting for it to ring, picking up the receiver every ten minutes to make sure it's not out of order.

Don't load up on chocolate. Okay, a little piece is okay. But I've never seen any evidence to prove that eating chocolate makes the phone ring, nor that it is an aphrodisiac to make men call. Please, if you have evidence to the contrary, let me know. I will pass it along to my readers AND start investing in companies that make chocolate.

Ordering in food so you won't miss his call is silly. I know you think that's why Dominoes was invented. But it's been my experience that although eating pizza feeds and nourishes the soul, it deflates the self-esteem and inflates the thighs.

Remember, Becky's #1 golden rule of dating - you only love men who love you.

Remember Becky's #2 golden rule of dating - you are the queen bee. Your job is to attract wannabes, not run after them. Therefore, don't call him. Calling him means you're running after him and doing his job, which means he has nothing to do. He'll find another way to do his job by calling someone else.

By not calling him you give him a chance to pursue you. You'll also find out if he's interested. And if he is, he'll call. Believe me, men, just like women, do exactly what they intend to do. We all don't always do what we want to do, but we always do "do" what we intend to do.

Some experts, but not moi, say that after two weeks it's okay to call and chat. Becky says, "by calling after two weeks you're looking to deflate your ego and lower your self-esteem." Got the message yet? Do Not Call! Need to reach out to someone? Call your girlfriends. That's what girlfriends are there for. There's not a girl on the planet who hasn't heard a guy say those three little words "I'll call you" and never heard from him.

Some things are part of the human condition; well having a guy not call back is part of the woman condition. Live with it and get over it. Don't take it personally - his calling has nothing to do with you; that is unless you decide to make it about you. And, don't make assumptions about why he hasn't called. No matter how intuitive and feminine you are, there aren't enough ESP pills in the world for you to understand a man's minds and his actions. He doesn't always understand his own thoughts and behaviors, so why should you? The difference is that he accepts the fact that he doesn't understand. He doesn't get stuck on the why. He just moves on. Learn this great male lesson - move on! The "whys'" don't matter because the whys don't alter the action.

Here's a good "why" metaphor. You're walking along a path and all of a sudden you get stuck in quicksand. What do you do? Spend your time figuring out why you got into it? Or, save yourself by figuring a way out?

The reasons men don't call:

Honesty hurts: It's easier for a man to disappear than tell you the truth. He's afraid that if he tells you he doesn't want to see you again you'll yell at him and he doesn't want to get yelled at. He doesn't want to hear your tirade or have a confrontation. Men have fragile egos. They don't like to be criticized or condemned.

Says he'll call but he's really not interested: At the end of the date he wants to appear and walk away as a "good guy." He doesn't know what to say, so the words "I'll call you" just falls out of his mouth.

48 hour rule: (it's also the 72 hour rule). He doesn't want to seem to eager, so he waits. Then he gets busy and forgets to call. Now, a few days, a week, two weeks have gone by. He's afraid to call you because he doesn't want to get criticized by you. He doesn't want to hear you say, "Why didn't you call?" (Many women, who suffer from deadly foot in mouth disease, have a peculiar habit associated with this disease. As soon as the man calls, she blurts out, almost unconsciously, "Why haven't you called? You said you would.") A man doesn't want the hassle, and he certainly doesn't want to be made wrong. Remember, a man wants to win. He only comes back to women he thinks he can win with. So ask yourself the million-dollar question, do you want to be right or do you want to be loved and cherished?

Fear of rejection: We're all terrified of being rejected, but men put their egos on the front lines when they call and ask a woman out. So it takes a pretty secure male to call and as a woman out, or a man who doesn't take things personally, or a man who thinks he has a higher percentage of being accepted than being rejected. Men play sports and like games. Life and relationships are a game. Most men dream of being the quarterback who has the ball and scores for the winning touchdown. Men like to win.

He's not really emotionally or physically available: He's afraid of relationship or he's already in another one.

He has a good time while he's with you, but… after the date he plays back the date, evaluates you and how the two of you interacted, and decides that you don't have all the qualities he's looking for. Unlike women, who have a laundry list of qualities they are looking for in a man-but who are willing to settle for some of them, men usually have four or five essential qualities that are dealmakers. And, if one of those critical qualities is missing, he won't call back.

Now that you know the main reason why men don't call back, what's a woman to do when it happens to her and the phone doesn't ring?

Follow Shari's How to Handle Life When Men Don't Call Rules:

Rule #1: You only love those men who love you.
Rule #2: Stop pining away wishing he would call.
Rule #3: Don't sit by the phone.
Rule #4: Don't take his not calling personally and don't think it means something that he didn't call. If you don't make assumptions, it won't have any meaning.
Rule #5: Look for (that's attract in queen bee talk) someone who is going to call you back.
Rule #6: Don't call him.
Rule #7: It's the guy's job to call you and say, "Would you like to?" It's your job to answer the phone and say, "yes or no."
Rule #8: If a man doesn't call, start chanting this powerful mantra. Men are like trains, another one will be along in 5 minutes.


  1. If a man is intrested in you and the sex was not good but amazing, WHOA! mind blowing with no inhibitions he will definately call you back. There is no question to that because in the end men have Big Egos and once in a while sleeping with a hot girl will stroke their ego especially if she is younger than him

  2. Same old stuff. Same old lack of empowerment, let's wear a corset and get a fan. Hold out for a wedding ring, act like you don't care, be elusive, be challenging. Ya ta da da da. And yes. chastity belts are in now... What a bunch of neanderthal, disabling crap.. I have read tons of these websites for days, after following these rules and getting dumped anyway. This truly makes me want to scream.

  3. Love your powerful mantra. I just got the "I'll call you" after our third date. Glad I found your info via the internet. I was beginning the "what's wrong with me" pity party. I feel much better about myself now and yes, Men are like trains, here comes one now!!