Friday, April 11, 2008

What He and She Really Want! The Mars-Venus Translator

All the relationship books say that "communication" is the key to a successful relationship. You have to be able to talk to each other. Well, my boyfriend and I talk all the time. We've really practiced our languaging and listening skills to the point where I think, at least I thought, that we spoke the same language.

But there's a problem. I can't hear what he doesn't say. I only hear what he does say. And because I know he's a man of his word, I think he means exactly what he says.

And of course he means what he says. But when he's speaking in GuyTalk, I'm clueless. For a long time I didn't know that I was clueless. I though that we were on the same page. I didn't know that I didn't know. And then I discovered that there were times when my sweetie felt clueless too. He's very smart and conversant in several languages, but GirlTalk isn't one of them. Even though he's been exposed to women his whole life, sometimes he just can't understand me. Big surprise! Sometimes I can't understand me either.

In all fairness, I don't always get what he's saying either. Even though I listen to his words and endeavor to connect them together to come up with some "meaning," I am using my girl logic brain to interpret his guy logic talk. Certain key phrases should automatically trigger the GuyTalk Alert. But it doesn't always get triggered. That's when I could use a Mars-Venus language translator.

Since not everyone takes their ESP pills daily and most men and women can't read each other's minds, getting our needs met isn't always easy. However, how can you teach your date or partner anything when you don't speak the same language?

If only there was a pocket size Mars-Venus language interpreter device for those times when your date or partner says or does something that confounds and astonishes you. With that Mars-Venus device, all you would have to do is scan the person and it would translate, into the appropriate Mars or Venus language, what he or she is saying, what he or she means and what he or she really wants.

Can you imagine what this device would do for relationships? Your personal successful dating stats would go way up and the divorce rate would go way down. Men could give women what they say, but don't say, they want. Women would be more receptive and sensitive to men's needs and their real needs.

The following are some common GirlTalk and GuyTalk phrases. In parentheses are the real meanings as interpreted by the Mars-Venus Translator.

GirlTalk/GuyTalkMars-Venus Translator
We have to talkI'm upset and you're supposed to know why

Becky: Guys, you don't take many things personally, so don't take this personally. Gals have to vent. We have this talking gene which must be used or it will wither away. We must move our mouth, so let us talk, vent, and complain. It's usually not about you, anyway. It's our frustrated feelings needing to be heard.

GirlTalk/GuyTalkMars-Venus Translator
I'm not upset
Of course I'm upset
I don't want to talk about it
Of course I want to talk about it but you have to indicate somehow that you're really interested in what I'm feeling, so to show me you care, ask me at least 5 more times why I'm upset and if I want to talk about it
Nothing's wrong
Everything's wrong
What makes you think something's wrong?
You really did it this time
We don't communicate
You're not listening because if you were listening, you would agree with me
You have to learn to communicate
I want you to agree with me
Fine!It's not fine

Becky: If a woman utters any of the above phrases, go on GirlTalk Alert. This is a malefunction emergency. Go immediately to the land of shared feelings and be her knight without the armor. If she doesn't get out whatever is bothering her, it's going to build and build, until one day, you'll never know what has hit you but you'll get Girl Eruptus. Then it will cost you a lot of romance, time and moola to make it all better.

After sex:

GirlTalk/GuyTalkMars-Venus Translator
GirlTalk: That was great!
We've bonded
GuyTalk: That was great! Great sex. Now can I go to sleep?

Becky: Women bond with their bodies, so after having sex with a guy they have a strong desire for commitment. Guys bond with their cars, pets, and sports. When a guy makes a commitment to a woman, then he is bonded to her. Sex has little to do with it.

GirlTalk/GuyTalkMars-Venus Translator
I'll call you. I know you're going to sit by the phone. You better get the number for Dominoes Pizza or you'll starve waiting for the call

Becky: Don't hold your breath. Keep your expectations low. Many men just don't know how to end a date with good bye. Since they have fragile egos and want to be a hero in your eyes (if only as long as they are looking into them), they will make the date end on a hopeful note. I'm not stereotyping all men, just explaining some frequent behavior.

GirlTalk/GuyTalk Mars-Venus Translator
I'm not ready for a commitment I'm not ready for a commitment

Becky: Believe him. He's telling you the truth

GirlTalk/GuyTalk Mars-Venus Translator
Sure I've been in long-term relationships Do weekends count?

Becky: Make sure you have the same definition of words

GirlTalk/GuyTalk Mars-Venus Translator
I need my space Things are getting too close for comfort. I'm out of here

Becky: Let him have his space. He's having intimacy issues. Are you starting to pursue him. Stop it! He wants to be the pursuer. Give him the challenge he wants. Be a little mysterious and alluring. No game playing or manipulating is allowed. Just be the Queen Bee and start attracting the wannabes. Let them swarm around you. When that happens, if your guy really does want a relationship with you, he's not going to want "all" this space. It's too risky for him. If, after all this, he still wants his space, then he's not the one for you. Can you say, "next?"

We've all said or heard these expressions before. These phrase aren't going away. However, next time you hear one of them, don't get defensive. Guys, go on GirlTalk Alert. It's Malefunction Time! Gals, go on GuyTalkAlert! It's Open Heart Surgery Time. The best advice of all is to put the whole thing in proper perspective. Look at the other person and remember the reason you're with them.

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