Friday, April 11, 2008

Want to get rid of bad habits and bad dates? Approach dating with a new attitude

Whatever your attitude about dating, remember it's just a habit. A winning attitude is a habit and so is losing. If you want some help in changing your attitude, get my book, The Win Book, a practical guide to make winning your habit and fulfilling your dreams. $8.00 plus s/h.

I must say that having a 'tude has gotten a bad rap. It isn't necessarily a bad thing. Attitudes can be positive or negative. And the truth is, everything in life, including dating, is about attitude.

I'm not suggesting that you should act like you really believe your own press release, and be arrogant, rude, critical, and treat people poorly. That is a bad attitude, and shows a lack of respect for yourself and others. A negative 'tude is a buffer which only creates a wall between you and other people.

When you have a negative attitude you attract and are attractive to those men and women who are emotionally unhealthy. Why would someone who is emotionally healthy, has a good sense of self, and a positive attitude want to be around someone who is toxic?

Negative people often have a string of bad relationships because they have established a pattern, or habit, of attracting the same type of person. Their usual MO: break up with someone and then date someone else who has the same personality and behavioral traits.

Your dating history will tell you a great deal about your dating habits. Do you settle and choose someone who is BTN (better than nothing) or do you go for someone who has the qualities on your A-list? Do you have a series of bad relationships and you don't understand why? Here's the answer. You have developed bad dating habits and a bad attitude.

All relationships are a habit. Good relationships are the result of creating and reinforcing good habits. Bad relationships happen because of bad habits. Some of these bad habits include: continually dating the same type of person, thinking that you're settling (this produces self- directed anger and resentment towards the other person), expecting another to fulfill your needs and make you happy, expecting a "relationship" to make you whole and complete, and being comfortable in a relationship that constantly has problems.

People with positive 'tudes" attract other positive, healthy people and usually create good relationships. Positive people are much more attractive because of their openness, honesty, vulnerability, and being approachable. Their inner qualities shine through, revealing in their attitude, demeanor, and body language that they genuinely like themselves, they are comfortable in their own skin, that they are happy with themselves, and that they desire to connect with another soul.

Positive attitudes attract the right people. Negative attitudes repel the right ones and attract the wrong ones. Negative people reveal themselves in their attitude, demeanor and body language. They are usually critical, cynical, guarded, often dishonest, and deceptive with themselves and others. Since they have given themselves permission to treat themselves poorly, they think they have permission to treat others this way too. It validates their negative habits. And then, because they are not happy with themselves, they look to others to make them happy. Someone who "wants" to be happy in a relationship but "expects" to be unhappy will develop a bad relationship, out of habit.

Habits are caused by attitude and expectations. Here's how to develop a positive dating ‘tude. First answer these questions and get real: Why really is my attitude about dating? What really is my attitude and expectation of men or women? What do I really believe about dating? What are my bad dating habits? Make a list. If you don't like your attitude, change it. Here's how:

Sometimes, but not always, it makes sense to give a person a second chance. Most people are usually nervous on their first date. By the second date, you're both more relaxed and you've broken the dating ice. However, if after the second date there's still no chemistry or connection, then at least you know you gave it your all. Then it's time to say, "Next."

  • Focus on what's positive in your life, what you have and what's working, your good qualities, not on what's missing. Make a list.

  • Decide that you are worthy of a good partner and totally deserve to have a great relationship.

  • Trust yourself that you will attract positive people in your life, despite what's happening now in your life (your circumstances) and your dating history (all those old bad past relationships)

  • Be open to having a healthy date and a positive relationship.

  • Outline the traits of a healthy partner and what a good relationship looks like for you. And don't go out with anyone who doesn't have those traits. You want a relationship, not a project. The essential elements of a healthy relationship are: passion, honest communication, emotional intimacy (which includes trust, respect, being really honest and vulnerable with your partner), and commitment (both to your partner and the relationship).

  • Approach dating in a new, more positive way.

  • Do something positive to reinforce your dating attitude every day for 30 days. It takes 21-30 days to change a habit (21 days if you're willing, 30 if you're kinda resistant like me), and then 30 more days to reinforce the attitude and behavior to make it a habit.

Do you need some help in changing your attitude? If so, you might want to send for my book, The Win Book: Create Winning habits in 30 days. This is a practical guide to make winning your habit and fulfilling your dreams. $8.00 plus s/h.

Approach dating with a new attitude. Who knows what could happen in your life? Maybe you'll start attracting some great dates. Maybe one of those dates will even turn into a wonderfully healthy relationship. Good luck!

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