Thursday, April 3, 2008

Q & A: "Whenever I want to go out with my friends he has a problem with it"

Q: About 10 months ago, I met the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but about 1 month ago she told me that her feelings for me had changed. I still see her 4 days a week, but not by choice. We are in the same choir. Is there anything I can do to reevaluate her decision, without actually confronting her?

Signed,
Lost without her

A: How in the hell can you reevaluate a decision that you didn't make?! Work with me here! The only logical thing for you to do is to respect her decision. If you absolutely can't stand seeing her 4 days a week, choose to join another church.

Q: MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN ADDICTED TO COCAINE FOR THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS, HE RECENTLY ENTERD A TREATMENT PROGRAM. HE ONLY STAYED AT THE PROGRAM 2 MONTHS BEFORE LEAVING TO GO TO A SOBER LIVING ENVIROMENT. HE HAS BEEN THERE 2WEEKS SO FAR SO GOOD. HE/I WANT US TO GET BACK TOGETHER BUT I AM AFRAID FOR ALL THE TROUBLE HIS ADDICTION HAS CUASED US IN THE PAST. MY TRUST IN HIM IS DESTROYED. WE HAVE 2 YOUNG BOYS AND I WANT HIM TO BETHERE FOR THEM, BUT I AM CONFUSED ABOUT HOW TO WORK ON OUR RELATIONSHIP. I GUESS I FEEL LIKE IF WE GET BACK TOGETHER WILL I FOREVER BE WAITING AND WATCHING FOR A RELASPE ? I NEVER WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE TYPES OF THINGS WE WENT THROUGH WITH THE ADDICTION. MY QUESTION IS, HOW DO I LEARN TO FORGIVE AND MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES ?

Signed,
Confused in Cali

A: I commend your husband for admitting he has/had a drug problem, and for seeking help. So many people succumb to the destroying powers of drugs. It won't happen to me, they think. Then it does.

You want your husband to be there for your children and he needs you to be there for him. He made a mistake. He is receiving help. I damned sure don't excuse the pain and hurt his drug addiction has put you and your children through, but he is human; humans make mistakes.

As long as you aren't afraid that he may become violent and harm you or the children, give him another chance. Don't expect him to relaspe because you and I both know that we oftentimes receive what we expect.

Visit the Cocaine Anonymous web site for an abundance of information, and support group information as well.

Q: A man that chased me all summer...acted shy..he'd say things like "I'll be at my place later.." which stupid me went there. Anyway...after hearing the "you drive me crazy, nuts, etc.. "You are trouble for me with a capital T", etc... We had been just hitting third base (kiss/feel), then one night we had a "quicky" nothing real romantic... jut passionate.. and immediately afterwards, he gets up and tells me "he can't do this without emotions... and doesn't want to lose our friendship, and doesn't want to "mess me up."

That was over a month ago. Since then he's pulled in my driveway once...I tried to talk about it...but he had to go.. I asked him if he thought I just fell of the banana boat...he didn't know that expression. Anyway.. my question is this: I see him often - he lives in my neighborhood - he still honks or smiles and waives...what should I do? So far, I've been staying in my own yard, except when I had to borrow a wrench... but I didn't talk much. I want the truth...but! I know I won't get it. It's really bothering me to think this same guy could be soooo eager to see me every night, then with one bip-bam-thank-you-maam he is a stranger. Any advice? By the way...he's in his late 40's.

Signed,
Torn

A: Girlfriend --- boyfriend hit it and quit it. Can I expalin it? No. Is there anything you can do about it now? No. Is there a chance that the two of you will be together romantically? No. Should you have given it up because he's got game? No. He's 40 years old. Does maturity automatically come with age? No.

You were hoping for a relationship and he was hoping for sex. He got sex, you got played. Learn from this experience and try not to let it happen again.

Q: What is a good relationship and what is a bad one?

Signed,
J. Meza

A: A good relationship is when you love somebody and somebody loves you back.

A bad relationship is when you love somebody and you aren't sure how they feel about you. You have questions, doubts. You wonder if he/she is faithful. You find yourself sad and crying alot. You wonder if you should call. You wonder why he/she hasn't called. You find yourself writing Advice Columnist...

Q: I HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR OVER TWO YEARS. I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH AND I KNOW HE LOVES ME. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS WHENEVER I WANT TO GO OUT WITH MY FRIENDS HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH IT. FOR INSTANCE, IN TWO WEEKS MY FRIENDS WANT ME TO GO WITH THEM TO SPEND A WEEKEND OUT OF TOWN. I REALLY WOULD LIKE TO GO BUT HE DISAGREES. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Signed,
Confused

A: Remind him that he is your man, not your father. Everybody needs a little time away from each other, and you being gone a weekend shouldn't be a problem. Remember, the majority of have minds that work just fine ... use yours. You want to go on the weekend trip --- go.

Q: I just started dating this guy that I have been chatting with for the past year. We have NEVER met in person, but we talk via phone, chatline, and email almost everyday if not 3 times a day. Within a year, I began to develop feelings for him and vise-versa but we were both involved at the time. When our relationships ended, we decided to try one together. It seems so perfect now, and we decided to spend the thanksgiving holidays together.

During one of our conversations, he asked me to marry him and he sounded VERY serious. He's currently in the Military and he is leaving for Germany after the 1st of the year and he wants to marry before he leaves. Since my break-up from my last relationship (where I was engaged to be married), I find myself wanting to be in love and engaged again. I told him yes, that I would marry him and if it is meant for us to be married before he leaves, then God's will be done. But now I am having second thoughts about marrying him because he's going to be stationed in Germany for 2-6 years and I am just graduating college and I haven't had a chance to start my life yet. I've expressed my concern about jumping the broom early, but now I am totally confused and I don't know what to do..can you HELP?

Signed,
Desperate to be in love again

A: You can not be in love with someone you have never met. You are in love with the fantasy of how you hope things will be, period. Begone! Poof!

Q: This guy I have been seeing for three weeks won't touch me at all. HELP!

Signed,
Help

A: I've got two words for you: Soap. Water.

Q: I've been dating this guy for about a month now. During the week he always wants to be with me, which gets hard because I leave early in the mornings for work. On the weekends, it's like all he cares about is his friends. Is he embarassed to be seen with me or what??? Also, the last few weekends in a row he's made plans to get together with me but then it never happens. Not even a call. I'm scared to leave him because we have already had sex and I don't want people to think I'm a slut. Other things I feel you should know: he drinks, and smokes pot on occasion. I'm telling you this because I want an honest answer of what's going on here and what I should do. Thank you very much.

Signed,
Jo Jo

A: You should leave his ass alone. Don't worry about what people might think or say about you, you have no control over that. You've already acquired slut status by sleeping with him within a 4 week period. There is no way around that. He can't care too much for you because if he did he'd treat you with at least a small level of respect.

He makes dates with you and then breaks them. He spends the weekends with his friends. He is wasting your time and needs to be cancelled immediately. Move on. Going forward try to abstain from having sex until you are damned sure that a relationship actually exists.

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