Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "Sometimes, I regret that we broke up"

Q: I've been single for five months. The last time I saw my ex-boyfriend was a few weeks ago. He told me that he has been dating. I am still not over the five year relationship. I feel jealous and hurt that he told me. I have few girlfriends, most are married. One of my best friends is having a baby and soon won't have much time to spend with me. I am seriously feeling lonely. On weekends and Friday nights I am alone.

Sometimes, I regret that we broke up or I wouldn't feel like this. I am feeling overwhelmed by being at home alone. I'm having a tough time coping. -- Losing My Mind

Dear Losing My Mind,
Most of us, yes even guys, go through a period of grief and mourning, for what was lost and for dreams that will never come true. By holding on to the dream, you still have something to hold onto. The most painful part is that letting go of the dream, because you have nothing left to cling to. And that means you have to get on with your life and create something to replace the relationship and the loss of the relationship. I know, oh so well, that it hurts, but it's time to give up the pain, it's been five months. Start taking care of yourself. Start doing things that make you feel better about yourself. Understand, in the beginning that no matter what you do, you're not going to start feeling better until you decide that you, do indeed, want to feel better.

Feeling bad doesn't have to stop you from doing something good. It's your choice.

A relationship should enrich your life, not define it. As heartbreaking as this is, your ex-boyfriend has given you a gift. You allowed the relationship to become your life. Without him, I know there is a hole, but the hole is in you. Without him, you now have the time to fill that hole with self-love. Do some work on yourself. Take of yourself.

Now here's some practical advice:

You don't want to know what he's doing or who he's doing it with. If you see him, don't allow that to become part of the conversation.

Stop looking back and that includes thinking about all the "ifs" and what could have beens. Get over it! Stop thinking about what you don't want to think about.

Get on with your life, he has. You don't have to be alone on the weekends. Get involved in some activities, sports, singles groups, church activities, lectures, hear authors at bookstores, ask your married friends if they have any single friends as you're looking to expand your network of friends - after all you're mutual friends.
I don't believe in revenge, well is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

Make your life this song Haven't got time for the pain by Carly Simon

Q: I have known this guy for six years then we decided to date. We had a great relationship for four months, until he decided things were too serious. He wants something more casual. We broke up about a month ago, but we email a bit here and there. What should I do? -- Lost

Dear Lost,
Believe him when he says he wants something more casual. Sorry, but we, as women, don't always to hear nor believe what men say. When it comes to commitment, guys usually tell the truth, unless of course they are commitment phobic.

It appears that you two don't want the same thing and he's telling you that up front. Good for him. The emails can signify lots of things, but try these on for size. It's a way for him to stay connected to you, just in case he changes his mind about the dating relationship. He values the friendship you've established over the six years and he wants to keep it alive. You want to stay connected to him, in hopes of...(fill in the blanks).

The only thing to do is to decide if you want and can emotionally handle this guy as a friend again. You've known him for six years. If you do value the friendship, let him know that you need some distance and time to heal. Tell him you'd like him in your life again and that you will contact him when you're ready to friends.

Q: I have a really big problem. I'm 27 years old. My boyfriend proposed to me in January. We have been together for almost 7 years. A few months before he proposed I was having weird thoughts about being with him. I love him with all my heart but I'm not really attracted to him anymore. I'm 5' and weight 100 pounds. He's 6'2". His height has never bothered me before, I never even noticed it. Lately it's been driving me crazy. I feel like a little girl when I stand beside him. I don't feel like a woman. Why am I having these feelings? --Is This Normal

Dear Is This Normal,
You've been together almost seven years and you never noticed that he's a foot taller? You're either spatially challenged or you've got something else going on. Fear is driving you. The only way to get over the fear is to go through it. Is it really that you're not attracted to him anymore or that you're afraid of marriage and the commitment that marriage entails? You could be a closet commitment phobic. Your issues are definitely coming up, so this is as good a time as any to deal with your fears. If you don't, I promise you, fear will just rear it's ugly head in your next relationship. So face it now or face it later, but ultimately you will have to face your fear.

Ask yourself this question, if it wasn't about his height, what in this relationship and marriage am I afraid of? Make a list. Before you toss out the baby with the bath water, in this case a man whom you've loved for nearly seven years, identify and work through your fears. Consider getting some counseling to help you understand what's driving those fears.

Q: I'm confused on what to do. Long story short-I had a really big crush on this guy for over a year, and finally we started dating. The whole situation was kind of stressed because we had to hide our relationship due to certain circumstances. But that was fine with me because I was just so happy to be with him. Things didn't work out, not because we didn't get along, but because of the circumstances, that he might lose his job if certain people found out. So to save himself he broke it off, even though he said he still cared for me. I tried, and even begged him to think about it. I was willing to do anything not to end us. I was and still am devastated. I was so happy with him. I think about him all the time and really do miss him I haven't seen him in a month, but am visiting next week-business related. Honestly, due to frustration, I'm afraid my emotions might take over and I'll start to cry right in front of him. My question to you is do I say anything? I really miss him and often cry over the situation. I'm afraid that he will meet someone else. I just don't know how to express myself without him getting upset with me, or losing the friendship that we have now. What should I do? -- Sally

Dear Sally,
When a man truly loves a woman, almost nothing will keep him from her. Rather than trying to hide the relationship, usually he is rather eager to show her off. In fact, the Duke of Windsor gave up the British Crown for love. I'm not saying all guys would or should give up a throne for a woman, but, your guy, make no mistake about it, he'd probably go with any woman that can help him to the boardroom or bedroom. So stop making excuses for his behavior. I assure you, he will meet someone else and, I'm sorry to tell you this, he won't look back. And neither should you. Remember cardinal dating rules which is you only love those men who love you. I know this hurts, but with the program.

And about your friendship? What friendship? Right from the beginning there was a lack of honesty, integrity and dignity between you and in your relationship. And because of the low points in the self-esteem department, you were willing to take what ever crumbs he tossed to you. Someone who is your friend and cares about you, doesn't toss you crumbs and doesn't let you take them, from anyone. A friend and someone who cares about you doesn't prey on your weaknesses either. I know this is really hard, but you have to ask yourself the tough questions, do you really want this kind of person in your life? Whatever your answer, pick up the book Women Who Love Too Much

You want to know what to say to him? Goodbye. You want to know what to do? Close the door on him and start to look forward in your life. You truly deserve a man who loves you, adores you, respects you and will cherish you just because you're you.

1 comment:

  1. yes i agree move on , i was dating a guy and he wanted it to be a secret . i could not tell anyone , that made me fel like shit , and when we were dating i ran into one time and he could not even say hi to me . because of his kids were wit hhim . ifelt lie a stranger what a jerk . he could of said i was a freind even . but nope . if a guy has to keep you a secret its never a good thing sweetie . and it feels like shitt. he does not respect you as a person , hdont worry he will treat the next person the same way , that is one of the reason i broke it off