Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "sharing my weekend with a chick he used to roll in the hay with"

Q: I asked a girl some months ago if she would like to go for coffee and she said yes. But since that time we haven't been for coffee as she said she is busy, even those I have asked her yet again another number of times. Do you think I should ask her again only this time set a time and date or do I asked someone else out? - She Said Yes But…

Dear She Said Yes But…
Aren't you tired of waiting? You keep waiting around for this girl. Stop waiting and take some action like move on. After all these months, don't you think that if she were interested she would have made time for you?

You really could use some help in the world of dating. You might want to set up 2 coaching sessions with me -in the first coaching session have a list of your questions ready and I'll give you some dating, flirting, and asking girls out tips. Then I'll give you some homework. In our next session we'll talk about what worked and what didn't work and what you need to do. That's my suggestion if you want to date smart and not waste a
lot of time feeling bad and getting rejected.

By the way, this is a good time to take advantage of my March coaching discount. Set up two sessions and you get a 20% discount. Set up four sessions and you get a 30% discount. It's a good deal. But like all good deals, it will end March 31st.

Q: I have been dating a wonderful man for about a year now. I have some insecurity about an old girlfriend that he used to hang out with before we got together. He owns a cottage and we go up every weekend together. Before he and I began dating, she used to go up to his cottage and hang out with him sometimes.

Since we started dating, she has called my boyfriend a few times (that I know of) and asked to come up to the cottage to spend the weekend. I was very uncomfortable with this and told my boyfriend so. He felt somewhat "on the spot" however. I made my self clear that if he wanted her to spend the weekend, that would be fine. However, I was not going to put "myself" in a situation that I would feel extremely uncomfortable.

I know this may sound as if I am very insecure - maybe so. However, how am I supposed to feel about sharing my weekend with a chick he used to roll in the hay with! No way! What do you think?-Want a One Woman Man

Dear Want a One Woman Man,
I'm with you. I'm a really sharing woman. I'll share just about everything except my man with another woman. And I won't share my lingerie with a man. You don't sound insecure at all, you sound like a woman who knows her worth. Now its time your boyfriend discovered what he has…before it's too late. You're quite clear that you want a one-woman man. Don't settle for anything less. Don't give him an ultimatum but don't settle and compromise yourself and your values.

Q: I just wanted to say I like your website and find it very interesting!

Recently, I called a colleague of and asked if she would be interested in 'doing something sometime'. She responded "Yeah, sure!" Two days later I called her again and her tone was not so lively. I asked her if she was still interested in doing something, and she said, "uh, I don't know" in a very casual manner. That following weekend, I left a message on her machine asking her to call me if she still wanted to do something. Since I didn't hear back from her, the following Tuesday I went to her and asked her if she got my message (in a small talking manner). She said 'yeah'. So, after a little silence, I told her that I was just looking for someone to hang out with and have fun. I said that I wasn't really interested in a relationship right now, but may consider the possibility later on (if things worked out). I said, "If I came on too strong then I apologize." She didn't say anything or make much eye contact with me when I spoke.

Two days later, on Valentine's Day, I sent a rose carnation sent to her with a note wishing her a happy Valentine's Day and birthday coming up. I never received a thank you or anything in return. She is still seeing her ex-boyfriend. That's fine with me. But, now she avoids me and barely acknowledges my presence. This reminds me of grade school; she used to be very cheery when she was around me. When I see her she doesn't make eye contact at. I don't want to lose a friend over this situation; it's not worth it. I care about things like that. What did I do wrong? How do I make the tension go away? I know this may not seem like that big of a deal, but I would greatly appreciate any advice you may have!-Wondering Why

Dear Wondering Why,
Even though you say you don't have an agenda, it seems you really do. You like this woman and she's not returning the interest. She doesn't return you calls, she hasn't said yes any of your numerous requests to get together, and she never even said thank you for the rose. There's a recurring theme here. Are you getting the message? She's not interested.

And, as far as the ex-boyfriend goes, since they are dating again, you might want to erase the ex part. You're right, college isn't grade school. But the reason she's not delighted to see you is because she feels pressured by you and your agenda. She's probably sorry that she said yes, after she realized that you were really interested in something more than casually getting together. So, my advice to is…back off. Leave her alone. Let things cool off. If you see her in school, just nod and say hi. That's it! Perhaps in a couple of months you can revisit the friendship. In the meantime, you seem a little needy. You might want to work through that neediness. After all, desperation and neediness are not attractive qualities because if they were, they would be perfumes. Better to work through your neediness and emotional baggage now, instead of carrying it into your other relationships.

If you want some help in getting rid of your emotional baggage, give me a call at 310.394.2647

Q: I'm a 41-year-old single man whose efforts at finding the love of my life have been spectacular - and sometimes expensive failures.
When I was 16, I was running into the problem of meeting girls who saw me as their "brother." I have had a highly successful professional life but I have struggled with the difficulty of meeting women and getting them to go out with me.

I tried nearly everything from and I just cannot make that connection, though there was one near-relationship.

It's been years since I've kissed or held a woman in any way. I could live with being alone and going to places and family events "stag," but a little closeness and human contact makes a lot of the stress of life tolerable. Watching TV alone and seeing other couples close just makes me want to cry sometimes and wonder if I should just give up on women and accept being alone.
But if there's one experience I want to have, it's the one of being in love and having someone to share my life with. Is that so much to ask?

I suppose I'm writing this because I thought I had finally met someone who was right for me. After going out for three weeks, she told me she liked me, but that she would never have any physical attraction to me. I replied, "Maybe not now, but perhaps in the future." No, she said, she was sure of it. Then she asked if I was going to take her out tomorrow, as originally planned. Maybe I'm a shallow jerk, but I said there was no point in pursuing anything with her. All this rejection is making me very cold toward other people, I must confess. I am becoming wary of getting too close and getting my hopes up, and this has an impact on other people. I used to be so open and friendly to people and especially women I was interested in, and now I am wondering if being less so is the best approach to take.
Sorry for the length of this letter. I'm sure there are plenty of other people in the same boat who sit home at night and wonder why they can't find anyone and occasionally reach out and find themselves disappointed.- Disappointed in Women

Dear Disappointed in Women,
Thank you for your letter and honesty. I can totally appreciate and understand your desire to be in love and share your life with someone.

Right now you need a healthy dose of good self-esteem. Here's an exercise I want you to do. Write down all the reasons you are successful professionally. Then ask yourself what you "really believe" about yourself professionally. You see you don't get what you want in this world, you get what you believe you can have. Professionally, you believe certain things about yourself.

Now I want you to answer this question. Do you want to be right (that you can't have a relationship) or do you want to be happy? If you want to be happy…and in a relationship, then you have to change your personal belief system…about yourself. Make a list of what you really believe about yourself personally. For every negative belief write down a positive belief that you could believe about yourself. Then, take an action to reinforce the positive belief…not the negative belief. This isn't easy to do, but it is doable and you can do it…if you do want to be happy.

You need to learn how to flirt successfully and how to woman magnate and not the big brother. Being the big brother hasn't gotten you where you want to go, so now it's time to be different. It's okay to be friendly, just learn how to maximize your assets.

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