Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "not all men enjoy what you call 'the hunt'"

Q: I've never tried this before, but I guess it can't hurt. There's a girl I work with that I am head over heels for. She's attractive, funny, smart, independent, and we have a great deal in common. When she's close to me I feel myself tie up in knots. I find myself going out of my way just to be near her, to talk to her, to be close to her. We spend a lot of time around each other, but I don't know if she knows how I feel. All is normal to this point, but she is seeing a guy who is a real jerk. He is taking advantage of her in a million ways, especially emotionally and financially. One day they are "on", the next day they are "off". She can't seem to cut him loose. He's jealous but won't commit himself.

It's killing me to watch her being hurt. Anyway, what do I do? My past relationships with women have all been quite straightforward, so this is uncharted territory for me. I am bursting to tell her how I feel, but am afraid of losing her friendship. I've tried to drop subtle hints, but I don't know if they are getting through. Should I spill the beans and risk it, or just stay quiet, and suffer?-Unsure

Dear Unsure,
For starters, suffering is way overrated. And they are no longer giving out medals for martyrdom. So go for it. Be a good boy scout and be prepared. Get a game plan. Valentine's Day is a perfect opportunity. In fact, all of February is the month of love, so get ready and stay ready. Have the Valentine card that says it all ready. As soon as they are having an "off" day, you be her hero and let her know how you feel. Don't make her wrong for her lousy "former" choices in men rather, do a great sales job by letting her know what's really available to her.

As I've said before, in order to have a BIG life you have to be willing to risk. I'm not suggesting that you risk just to get your adrenalin going nor for the sake of creating high drama. You're willing to take a risk when you have a desire for something that you just can't live without out. The action you take will be decided by how you answer this question. Do you want to live in a world of regrets or a world of fulfillment?

Q: The man I am seeing is wonderful, sweet and caring. He has already told he loves me (we've been together for a month), and is willing to do the work to make our relationship successful. The issues?

I'm Jewish. He's not. This is something we have discussed at some length, and he says he is willing to convert, but he goes to church every Sunday. I'm afraid that if he does convert, he would just be doing it for me. He might eventually end up resenting it.

Also, there are sexual difficulties. He is willing to work on this, but I don't know if I can be patient enough. I'm already frustrated. This is the first relationship I have been in where we communicate openly and honestly, but am I fooling myself? Is it too early to have such major issues? Can things like this be worked out?-Different Religions

Dear Different Religions,
Relationships take work and both partners have to work to make the relationship successful. Based on your letter, you want him to do all the work. Isn't this a little one-sided? Don't confuse being a Queen Bee and a Princess. This man is obviously trying to make you happy, but it seems that no matter what he does, you've set it up so that he can't win. Remember, he's a man, not a pet project. It's only been one month and, already you've decided that he needs a complete makeover. Remember what attracted you to him in the first place and then lighten up.

Your relationship is only one month old. Why should he stop going to church? When the time comes that two of you decide to make a life commitment to each other, then that's the time both of you start going to conversion classes. Right now he is letting you know that he is willing to convert should the relationship lead to marriage. This is all you can ask of him. As for some sexual difficulties, those often have a way of working themselves out (either with or without outside help), when there is a strong foundation between two people and real emotional intimacy. In every committed relationship, there are three commitments - one commitment to ourself, another commitment to our partner, and a third commitment to the relationship. So far, I'm hearing that you're really committed to your own wants and needs and you're committed to the relationship as long as it's all about you. My suggestion is that you be the wonderfully feminine woman you know how to be and nurture this relationship. Just as it takes feminine energy to grow a garden, it takes feminine energy to nurture and grow a relationship. Be that feminine energy. I don't have all the details, but he sounds like a good guy who only wants to make you happy.

Q: I'm not trying to pick a fight here, but I'd just like to point out that not all men enjoy what you call "the hunt". Also, we don't all enjoy having to do all the work. Personally, I'm looking for someone who's not trying to play the role of air head Barbie doll but can admit that she just might have opinions of her own. By nature, I'm relatively quiet (many guys are) and appreciate a woman who takes a little initiative. Also, quite honestly, your suggestion to women that they should just "surrender" so men can feel like "winners" is quite frankly dangerous and can lead to some very abusive situations for the women down the road. Please don't paint all men as Neanderthals that women have to play games with to make them feel "smart" and always right. It all depends on the kind of male or female someone is looking for. We aren't all the same.-A Male Point of View

Dear A Male Point of View,
Thank you for your letter. I appreciate your honesty and your opinion. I'm thrilled and grateful that not all men are the same. That's what makes life and relationships so thrilling and rewarding. Relationships are about giving and taking. Men give masculine energy that women receive and women give their feminine energy to men. That's the basic fundamentals and mechanics of how great, healthy relationships work.

Here's an exercise that will illustrate this principle. Put a pen in your right hand. Toss it to your left hand and then back to your right hand. Now tell me which hand is receiving and which hand is giving? The answer is that they are both giving and receiving. The two hands represent the way two healthy people in a healthy relationship relate and interact.

I am not suggesting that a woman should be an air-head Barbie doll with doormat written on her forehead. Not at all. I am suggesting that a feminine woman, use her feminine power to create a loving relationship. A woman should never stay with a man who does not honor her and cherish her. A woman who values herself, has self-respect and self-esteem will not allow herself to stay in an abusive situation. You see, men and women will only treat us the way we allow them to treat us AND the way we treat ourselves. So, if we abuse ourselves, then we give others permission to abuse us. All loving relationships begin with loving ourselves.

I don't think men are primitive at all. I think men are just simpler and less complicated than women. As far as women initiating in the relationship, I don't agree. I think women should be alluring and challenging to keep the relationship authentic and "interesting", and should initiate things once in a while, but if the woman is taking the aggressive role all the time, then she's doing her job and his. Any Alpha Female will tell you that that's too much work without a whole lot of satisfaction.

Even though you don't agree with everything I say, I absolutely respect your opinion and I appreciate hearing from my readers. It is through your feedback that I know the kinds of topics and issues you want raised on this site. I hope you will continue to visit my site and read my column.

Q: I can never tell her I like her. I'd like to ask her out on a date but I never have enough courage to ask her. She's a very nice person and I've known her for three years but I always get butterflies in my stomach whenever I so much as see her. Thus, it makes it hard for me to start a conversation with her. I know her parents, and am very good friends with them. But I can never ask her out.-Afraid to Ask Her Out

Dear Afraid to Ask Her Out,
The feelings of fear and rejection are very powerful. They can and often do stop us dead in our tracks and prevent us from leading fulfilling lives. So for three years you have liked this woman from a far. Three years of your life have gone by. Imagine how different your life could or would have been if you had had the courage to feel your fear and had asked her out anyway. Instead, you have lived with a fear of rejection for three years now. Isn't that long enough?

It takes courage to know that you're afraid of something and yet do it anyway. Stop letting your fears run you. Everyone gets butterflies in their stomach at one time or another. But not everyone lets those scary feelings prevent them from living their lives full out. It's a choice. I suggest that you get off the fence, make a choice and get on with your life. If you decide that you just can't ask her out, make peace with yourself and move on. By letting go you allow yourself to love someone else and allow another to love you too.

Q: our call us men wannabes and yourselves Queen Bees. You say our job is to chase the women. I got one for you. I've been pursuing this lady for about a month now. Only time I see her is at her job (bank teller). We exchanged numbers. All the signs of attraction and flirting are there (eye contact, smiling, conversations, and shoulder orientation). When I first approached her, she initiated the conversation talking about my car. I have asked her out twice (lunch and dinner ). She agreed to both, saying to call her, and that she promises to return my calls. She never returned my calls and left me hanging. I was wondering if ladies hate the fact that men will ignore them after giving them so much attention!

So called playing there game. That they will come around if interested. So for the past 2 weeks, since i have only seen her twice. First time I totally ignored her, second time was today. Bad timing. I was in line at the wrong time. I approached her, though I was not paying attention to her. She noticed it. I was really quiet. Every other time that I approached her, I would make her laugh, and flirt with her. But since she has been doing what she's been doing, I feel if I ignore her, maybe she will get the hint and come around. I left saying thank you, with her response being your welcome. The thing is I don' t wanna ignore her too much, because she will lose interest. So my plan is to ignore her for now, maybe a week from now, call her and see what's up, or approach her at her job and maybe greet, conversation etc. I really like her a lot! I feel patience is a virtue. I love and respect myself and don't need to be treated this way. Maybe she got the hint! What do you think?-A Patient Man

Dear A Patient Man,
You're hooked and this is the month for love. I'm glad to hear that you love and respect yourself and that you don't "need" to be treated this way. Remember this thought in the next few weeks. Since this is the month of love, and you have displayed an incredible amount of patience, it's time now to go for it all. Ask her out for Valentine's Day. Either call her and talk with her (none of her I'll call you back stuff) or ask her out at the bank. Either way, in a flirty manner with a lot of self-confidence (no groveling please), let her know that you are glad she waited to go out you because Valentine's Day is the perfect day for your first date.

Have a great time, but don't go overboard with the flowers and candy. She wants a hero not a puppy dog. Remember that you love yourself and respect yourself - so you don't have to be needy. Besides "Needy" and "Desperate" are not aphrodisiacs. Maybe that's why they are never the names of best-selling colognes.

If by some remote chance that she's still into playing games and doesn't accept the date, and you're willing to continue to play the game with her, give her your business card with a pawn or a checker from a chessboard or a checkerboard attached. On the card write your phone number and it's your move!

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