Thursday, April 3, 2008

Q & A: "my parents and his parents refer to him as a 'bum' and a 'loser'"

Q: Ms. Becky, I first want to compliment you on such a marvelous job you have done with your column. I'm very impressed. Ms Becky, I don't need your advice on a love relationship (at the moment), but a lost friendship. She worked with me for a number of years; as a matter of fact, I trained her when I was pregnant with my daughter (9+ years ago). Yes, we go way back. She later moved on to another job but I was still able to see her in the clouds.

Now, she has moved on to expand her talents as an entrepreneurial advocate. Do you think she might be to busy for a friend? Should I try to locate her and restore this friendship; even though she did not leave me a forwarding phone number? I'm not exactly sure where she lives; however, I helped her and her son move a few things to an apartment across the street from a *bleep!*. All the previous numbers I have are no longer in service. Do you think she tried to leave me behind with everything else? I miss the lunches at Wendy's, the health club adventures, and the conversations. I miss my friend!!!!

Signed,
Infinate Friend

A: Awwww girl, recognize! Don't push up on me with that dramatic shyt! Ain't nothing changed, I'm still the same old me that I said I'd always be. I had to change my numbers cause this brotha was on some stalk type shit, plus you know I'm a Cyberlebrity, girl! :o) I'll meet you for lunch at Wendy's next Tuesday. Now the health club is another story. Where is it located again? Check your voice mail, I left your ass a message.

Q: I am a 25 year old woman, who has a thing for men who are considered by society as "thugs". Should I be weary of these men? Will they hinder my chances as a succesful black woman?

Signed,
ThugGirl

A: Girl, get your thug on! If you're feeling thugs, get with thugs! This is your life! You will never be able to please society, please yourself. The person you date or marry should not hinder your success as a black woman. Quiet as kept, I've got a thug in my life!

Q: I think it's time my boyfriend and I moved in together he says he's not ready, I think he just still wants the option to date other people. We've been together for just over 2 years now, I have an 8 year old daughter and he has never dated anyone with a child before. I think that scares him, but it's not like the child just appeared she has always lived with me. he stays at my house quite a bit so really I don't see any difference. He says he needs his space, Maybe I should just give him his space, what do you think? ?

Signed,
Confused

A: I'm thinking that your boyfriend is not ready for a commitment. You say your daughter may scare him, huh? Don't even! Making excuses for him doesn't help the situation at all. We allow these men to wipe their feet all over us, and then wonder why they don't want to be in a committed relationship with us. Nobody, and I do mean Nobody wants a door mat.

Girl, give his ass something to think about. Stop being so available. Don't let him use your house as a revolving door. Don't let him hold on to you until he finds someone he really wants to be with. Oh, he might leave you. You don't want to be alone. If he's got you wondering, worrying and questioning yourself, you're more alone right now than you'll ever know.

Q: I am a 23 year old married women with two small children. I have recently had an affair and enjoyed every moment of it. I am in an unhappy marriage, I want a divorce so bad, but I can't due to financial problems. I have no family or friends to move in with and we live with his mother and father. My life revolves around his family. How do I get a divorce when I am so scared and have no place to go?

Signed,
LonelyMom2

A: Get unscared! Look, there is no reason on earth for you to be in an unhappy marriage. I know the thought of going to a shelter or renting a studio apartment may not be too attractive, but you have to do, what you have to do.

Go out and get a job. Any job. Save your money. Open a savings account in a your individual name, and do NOT tell your husband about it. There are agencies that can assist you with low cost, or no cost child care. Having an affair is not the solution. The person you are/were seeing knows you're in an unhappy marriage. Did he even once offer you his place for you and the children? Hmmm...

Perhaps you are just pissed iff right now. maybe you and he should seek marriage counseling. If you are damned sure that the marriage is over, make your plan and work your plan.

Q: I'm dating a guy that I met on the internet about 7 months ago. We have a great time when we're together even though were 600 miles away. He is convinced that I'm "the one" and is prepared to spend the rest of his life with me.

I care about him and he's great in bed but my parents and his parents refer to him as a "bum" and a "loser". He has not held a steady job in months. He has been trying but just can't seem to get anything going. My ex took care of me (although I am a professonaIl employee) and I know that I can't expect this from my internet guy. My ex and I have been apart for about 3 months. We broke up after a 6 year relationship because of his lack of social skills. He always seemed to offend people when he talked no matter how hard he tried.

Well, I guess what I really want to know is, should I take a chance with my internet guy who is not attractive at all and not very stable but insists that I'm the best thing thats ever happened to him?

Signed,
Lost in LA

A: I insist that you focus your energy on getting involved with a man who is the best thing that's ever happened to you.

Q: I met this guy last year December and at first we really hit it off. We used to call each other everyday and before he went to work, he would come see me. It took 3 months before we had sex (only once) but shortly after that we had a conversation because I went to see him at his job and a girl came up asking for him and looked at me in a bad way. He told me she has a man and he only gave the girl food. ( this was true)

Because of this situation it brought about a misunderstanding. I thought he was cheating on me. It was then brought to my attention that I was not his girl and he never made a commitment to me so how could I think that? Well, I figured the way we acted towards each other at home and especially in public, that I was his girl (even his friends and employees thought so) Well, I found out this wasn't so and ever since that, it has not been the same. I didn't see him all summer, and now I hear from him like every 10 days or so. I really like him and I know he likes me but I dont understand why he is acting that way towards me, and if he doesn't want to be with me, why is he still calling me and asking me can he see me?(which by the way, he never comes, he stood me up 4 times)

I'm so confused. I don't want to move on, but I don't want to wait either. What should I do? Do you think there is someone else and perhaps he wants his cake and eat it too? I'm not sure what to believe, He has two jobs and he works everyday and he claims that's the reason he doesn't come to see me and because he doesnt know my schedule. But that didn't stop him when we first met... and even if he cant see me he still doesn't even call me. He used to say "I miss you", I want to see you now, when am I going to see u? Now it's like oh whats up. His actions just completely changed. He is the kind of person that wants to make sure everything is right before he makes a commitment in a relationship but I am afraid this guy is taking too long, Dec 13, will make a year. I dont think anyone takes that long to start a relationship, what is going on?

Signed,
Lotion

A: Think back to the time before you sexed him. I'll bet those were very, very good times, no? He did everything perfectly. Called you, kept his word, you were his boo. Tell me I'm wrong. O.K. now, fast forward. Hmmm... he started tripping right after he knocked boots, didn't he?

In this situation I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you should move on. You thought he was cheating on you. He said there was never a commitment. You didn't see him all summer. You know he was seeing someone else. All of that scheduling nonsense is just noise. He still calls you and wants to see you, huh? Read this week's article on Booty Calls for some insight.

Move on, Miss Lotion. In the future, please don't give it up until you are certain that you are in a committed relationship with a man you can trust. Oftentimes, once you give up the Ill Na Na, they're gone.

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