Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "My boyfriend is rushing me. And I'm thinking about dumping him"

Q: I went out with this great guy I met online. He's funny, successful, polite, just perfect. We had a great date on Saturday and he said he'd call on Sunday, but he didn't. I don't get it. He also knows that I hate phone games but still seems to try to make me mad. - He Said He'd Call

Dear He Said He'd Call,
Why a guy doesn't call is one of the great unsolved mysteries. There could be any number of reasons why he doesn't call. Here are some of the top reasons:

At the end of the date, even though he's not interested, he wants to seem like he's the good guy and make a good guy exit. He thinks if he tells you that he's not interested you'll blast him. To avoid a hassle or confrontation, he'd rather just disappear.

He doesn't know what else to say, so the words "I'll call you" just fall out of his mouth

He lives by the 48 hour rule - wait so don't seem too eager. Then he forgets. And then he's afraid to call because he doesn't want to get criticized for not having called sooner. So he moves on.

He's afraid of being rejected.

He's not really available emotionally or is dating someone else.

My advice is don't take it personally and don't make assumptions. Move on. Remember #1 Rule: You only love those who love you. So stop pining away wishing he would call. Don't order in Dominoes Pizza and sit by the phone waiting; instead get over him, get over yourself and start being available to attract someone who is going to call you back. Most importantly, DON'T CALL HIM! You're running after him and doing his job.

Q: My boyfriend is rushing me. And I'm thinking about dumping him. I've told him to slow down and I told him no, but he still keeps pushing. What should I do? --He's Pushing Me

Dear He's Pushing Me,
Tell him that you're flattered by all his attention and that in his need to rush you he's not listening enough and not considering your feelings. Tell him once more how you feel and that you would hope that he would be respectful of your feelings and cherish you enough not to push so hard.

I know you're tempted to ask him this question which part of N-O do you not understand?, but don't do that. Instead, walk away being the goddess that you are; that will let him know what he just lost.

Q: I am recently separated. I have met someone at work that I adore. She is smart, beautiful, amazing. We have a lot of common interests. We have become friendly. She has invited me out for drinks after work several times. I feel a real chemistry. She is aware of my marital status. We will talk for hours over drinks.

If I ask her to have dinner with me on a day that she will not be in the office, do you think that she will "get"" that I am interested in getting closer to her? Is this just a bad idea? -- Newly Separated

Newly Separated
She's definitely interested. She knows your marital status. She's old enough to be served a drink, so she's old enough to take care of herself. When you ask her out for a date, I think she'll be quite excited. As for you, take care of yourself. Remember that you're just coming back into the dating trenches. So you're going to be somewhat vulnerable. Separation is difficult, no matter who initiated it and no matter what the reason is. Be good to yourself.

Q: I started dating again about three months ago. I meet one woman that lives in my small town and went out a couple of times. On the third date I finally got the nerve up to take her to a romantic walk on the beach with the full moon and finally kissed her. I saw here the next day and made sure she knew I had a good time. I sent flowers the day after and received an email from her saying she was sorry she didn't call but she loved the flowers and thought they were sweet. I have called her two more times and have not heard a word from her. I really thought that this was starting to work out. It has been almost seven days and no word yet. Am I being paranoid or is this a signal that it is not the same for her? Or maybe this is just not working right now. --Is She Interested

Dear Is She Interested,
This is a tough one to call. She may be shy and wants to be pursued. She may believe in The Rules, or she may not be as interested as you. Ask her out again. Don't leave her a message. Call and talk to her and find out. Remember, don't make assumptions about what another person is thinking or their actions, and no matter what they do, don't take it personally.

It's tough when you start dating again. It's not easy being in the dating trenches. But you will survive and even...thrive if you listen to my advice. Don't let another person's actions or inactions define you and determine your self-worth, no matter what happens. Whether the two of you go out again or not, doesn't decide on who you are. Only you can decide. Remember that and you'll be fine in still waters and even when the water gets rough in the trenches.

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