Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "man should be taller than the woman?"

Q: I'm only 18 and the guy I've been on and off for a year and a half is right now confused on being with me or not? He says he likes me and wants to be with me but all I see is that he is always with his friends 24/7 and even blows me off for them, but at the same time he says he is confused
but still likes me. So what should I do? Just give him some space and let him be with his friends or just move on. I love him though. Please help me.-18 and in Love

Dear 18 and in Love,
Read some of the dating tips on this site. Also, go through the advice archive and read some of the columns. They will help you. One of my cardinal rules is:

"You only love those who love you."

It seems to me that you're doing the pursuing right now because you feel the most vulnerable and most insecure. Remember, he or she who is least invested in the relationship controls the relationship. If I were you, I'd give him all the space he needs. Don't be so available. Let him start missing you. Right now you're probably hovering over him so he can't miss you. Start being the Queen Bee and start attracting the wannabe or wannabes who do want to be with you.

Good luck. Let me know what happens.

Q: After a 2 year relationship with a great first year, the second year flopped big time. I became insecure with the fact that relationships aren't perfect and my first mistake was I let another girl get in between my Love, and me only online though. Secondly I lost myself in online video games and neglected the relationship. My girlfriend now has been through a lot with me. We called it quits. After 3 weeks, I really have realized that I did change quite a bit. Suddenly I feel great again, the time apart has opened my eyes. We've never had time apart with all the other break-ups. Honestly I believe she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, we're both only 20 by the way. But I tear myself up inside constantly pondering over this relationship. We've had one good phone conversation since we broke up, and I did the big "I'm Sorry" speech already, once I figured out what I did wrong. Now I'm preparing myself to sit down with her for an adult conversation over dinner maybe? I really think she may have moved on but I must keep trying. I really shouldn't worry about what she is thinking but wish to believe she is thinking about the relationship as much as I have during the past 3 weeks. Only time can really give answers or heal though. Do real life love stories ever work out?-Realizing but Is It Too Late?

Dear Realizing but Is It Too Late?
Yes, real life love stories do work out when both parties take responsibility, are interested in working on the relationship, and are committed to the relationship. It sounds to me like, until this recent awakening, the only one committed to this relationship was your girlfriend. You've been really preoccupied and pretty involved - with yourself. Choosing video games over the woman you love? And you expected her to just wait around? Have trouble wearing hats because your head seems to be really big.

I'm not sure you have figured out, even now, what you've done wrong, so I'll tell you. You made the second year all about you and your needs. You weren't concerned at all with your girlfriend's feelings, needs and desires - just your own. You certainly don't know the secret to relationships which is: know what each other wants and then give it to him/or her. Your girlfriend knew what you wanted - space and understanding. And she gave you both. What did you give her in return? You certainly didn't make her feel special (no girl could possibly feel special knowing that her guy thinks video games are more important than her). You're in a committed relationship and you're fooling around with someone else online? You think that makes a woman feel safe with you? Not! How can she trust you? She can't!

If a smart, healthy woman can't trust her man, if she has any ounce of self-respect and self-esteem, she will show him the door and say "Don't let it hit you in the ass." And, if was me, when you walked out the door, I'd close it softly (I wouldn't slam it - you don't deserve that much emotion) and I'd close the page, chapter and book on "us." You'd have to do a whole lot more than make the "big apology speech" in order to get back in my life.

Mr. Wonderful, you've got a fan club of one right now. Do you want to win your woman back? Then make your actions consistent with your words and what you say you feel in your heart. Court her, woo her - make her feel special. Let her know that she is the most important person in your life. You're going to have to build up a lot of trust points with her, because right now there is absolutely no evidence - only words - that you mean what you say.

Yes, love can work out. But you have to want it to and be committed to the relationship and to making your partner happy. From where I'm sitting, you just want to take instead of giving to her and the relationship. In order for love to work, you have to be willing to give to your partner, give her what she wants. Here's my suggestion. Tell her you messed up big time and that you're really sorry and that you know it will take time to prove it to her that she is the love of your life. But that you are crazy about her and think you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Then, make sure all your actions match those sweet words. That's called integrity and keeping your word. Both are essential to a healthy, happy, loving relationship. Look luck. If you're half the man I think you are, you can do this. I have faith in you. Let me know how it turns out.

Q: Just wondering whether it's normal for a guy to like a girl who looks like his ex who he's been with for 2 years. Is he fixating on the ex or is it just that he prefers that style of girls? He did tell me that he likes me for me, and not because I look like some "particular individual he knows." In general, is it normal for guys to like girls who tend to look like their exes?-Boys Type Casting Girls

Dear Boys Type Casting Girls,
Generally, we're attracted to what's familiar. We all like what we like. Men are more visual than women, so it makes sense that they would frequently pick women who have the same "look." Women generally pick men who have similar qualities (although looks aren't generally at the top of their lists). Don't you pick the same type of clothing over and over again? Aren't you drawn to special colors? Aren't you more attracted to certain kinds of people? The answer is yes, yes and yes.

Get more secure with yourself. You're not a substitute for his ex, unless you know something that you didn't write in your email to me. If he says he likes you for you, then believe him, unless he's the lying kind. And, if he's the lying kind - you don't want to be with him anyway.

Q: I am a 19-year-old girl and I've been dating this guy for a few months. Our relationship is great but I have a problem. I'm 1 1/2 inches taller than him. Usually, I don't take this problem seriously as I love him so much that I won't let this problem break our relationship. However, sometimes I feel uncomfortable about this. I still think that the man should be taller than the woman. What can I do to overcome this feeling? I've heard about some programs that can increase someone's height. Does it really work? If yes, how could I tell my boyfriend about it and ask if he'd like to try this program without hurting his feeling? My mother hasn't found out about us yet. I'm sure that she won't be so happy to know that her daughter has a boyfriend that's shorter than her. What can I do to make my mom like my boyfriend?-Too Tall

Dear Too Tall,
If you really love this guy as much as you say you do in your email, then why do you want him to be different? You should love him "as is" without trying to make him be different. If you can't love him for the man he is on the inside and out (and in that order), then you don't deserve him.

Why are you trying to sabotage a great relationship based on height? Do you just go looking for problems or are you just a problem magnet? And about your mother not like your boyfriend because he's a little shorter than you, I can't believe that your mother is that shallow and so superficial. Life is more than about "how it looks," and if you don't realize that now, then you better prepare yourself for a rocky road ahead.

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