Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "I've made every mistake a woman could make in terms of attracting a man"

Q: I think I've made every mistake a woman could make in terms of attracting a man. There's this guy I am interested on who I asked out last week. He said yes. I really blew the phone conversation when we talked before he left for a business trip (we were scheduled to get together after his trip). I made one mistake after another, showing off as an Alpha Female, then minimizing his ego when I found out he had been previously divorced. I was not being a good listener, not making him feel admired, basically. To top it off, I gave away my power of choice when I left a message for him on his phone saying I was sorry, that it was my first time asking a guy out and I just said all the wrong things because I was so nervous. I ended that message by asking for a second chance and leaving my number, adding that there would be no hard feelings if he didn't want to. ARGH, should I just expect him to not call me and move on or is there some bit of hope and possibility left in this mess I've created? I really like him!-Regretful in LA LA Land

Dear Regretful in LA LA Land,
Yes, you made a lot of Alpha Female mistakes. But being an Alpha Female doesn't have to be terminal. The good news is that you recognize your mistakes / alpha traits and will have another opportunity to practice being a feminine female. The bad news is that you're probably going to practice on someone else.

I know you really like him. The real problem is that you like and value him more than you like and value yourself. That's why you're willing to do anything to get him to be in your life.

Want to expect something? Learn by this situation and expect to do better next time. Don't call him. Don't email him. Don't be regretful, be grateful that he came into your life and gave you this opportunity to see how you operate in relationship. Learn the lesson and move on. (Don't continue to beat yourself up.) Men are like trains, another one will come along. The question I have for you is what do you need to do to learn the lesson so you don't repeat the same mistake again and again with the next man or men?

Read or reread my dating tips for women about how to stop being an alpha female. Having once been an Alpha Female, I know it's really hard to change our tendencies. Hard but not impossible. Yes, Regretful there is hope for you. As I said before, being Alpha isn't terminal. It takes work to become feminine again. You may want to get some coaching on this to help you become more confident with yourself and to help you avoid making the same kind of mistakes with the next guy. To set up a coaching session with me, call 310.394.2647. I promise you that there is feminine light at the end of the tunnel.

Q: I have been dating the same girl for a little over seven months which is a long time for me. Lately she has been acting weird, and I want to know what is wrong. She says nothing but I know that there is something wrong. This game is getting old.-Wanting It the Way It Used To Be.

Dear Wanting it the Way It Used To Be,
It takes two to play the game. If this game is getting old, stop playing it. Create a really safe environment that makes it safe for her to reveal her feelings. Be conscious to honor her feelings. Tell her that you've noticed the relationship has changed. Don't tell her that she's been acting weird. If you do, she won't feel safe to talk; she'll feel like you are judging her.

Let her know that you treasure her and make her feel special. Then ask her if something is wrong and if there is something she needs from you. Then close your mouth and open your ears. Listen to her and let her know that you are listening to her feelings. If she says nothing is wrong, believe her and let it go.

Things will either get better or they won't after "your talk." Hopefully, she will feel safe enough to let you know what's bothering her (that is, if she knows and she's not afraid of intimacy) and you two can deal with it. Or, if there is nothing wrong, you can let it go. This little relationship roadblock will strengthen your relationship and may clarify the direction of it.

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