Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "Is he commitment phobic or did I just play my cards wrong?"

Q: Would you believe a 50-year old woman could make such stupid mistakes? I met a man at work. We had an instant attraction and things went too fast. Three months later we were living together and talking a lot about marriage. He seemed to be crazy about me. Then things slowly started to fall apart. He has never been married or had a close relationship with a woman. He never said anything was wrong but slowly he became insulting and pulled away. He broke it off with lots of phony excuses. I moved out and was devastated because I really loved him. Anyway, now I feel like a real idiot but am wondering if you think he might just be commitment phobic or did I just play my cards wrong and should have made him chase me more in the beginning? He genuinely seemed to want marriage but then again he never got there with anyone before. By the way, we got along great and never argued...but then he could never discuss his inner feelings. I have moved on, but wonder. Thanks. -Wondering Woman

Dear Wondering Woman,
First of all, stop beating yourself up. That does you absolutely no good except reinforce your negative beliefs about yourself. It's not always a matter of having a man chase you more in the beginning. There are many factors to consider but my crystal ball is out being polished. He could be commitment phobic or a serial monogamist or maybe he's just in love with the idea of love, or maybe he just doesn't want to get married...or...or...or. The important question is what have you learned about yourself? And what have you learned about jumping into relationships too soon? Just because you have an instant attraction doesn't mean that you have to set up housekeeping or start picking out china patterns.

I know you're devastated and I can understand how you feel. Have your feelings -- but don't park there. The only stupid mistake is beating yourself up. Learn from your mistake and move on -- by this I mean get rid of the excess baggage from this relationship -- work it through and get yourself ready for the next one.

Call me if you would like to set up a session coaching session and get help in reclaiming your self-esteem and help so you will move on. To set up a telephone coaching session, call 323.860.0700.

And, just because you're 50, does that mean you always have to be perfect? I hope not. Life is about living and learning...and most importantly...loving ourselves and then others.

Q: Thanks for your help. Love your website. I was just wondering if you could help me with some thing. This guy has been flirting with me. When the quarter ended, he stopped talking with me. I really liked him a lot, so I asked him out to the dance and to just go out. He told my friend to tell me that he does not want to go to the dance with me, he doesn't want a date, and that he wants to go alone with a bunch of guys. I am really upset that he said no. But my question to you is what is he saying, does he hate me or he just does not want to go out with me? I really like him a lot, and I keep thinking about him 24 when I am by my self and there is nothing that I can do about it because I do try to get him out of my head but I never can. Please help! - Very Love Struck and Confused

Dear Very Love Struck and Confused,
First of all, stop obsessing. And no he doesn't hate you. He just doesn't want to go to the dance with you or on a date. Don't take things personally and don't make assumptions about what he's thinking. What he is doing is about him--not you! It's not you job to ask out guys--it's their job to ask you out. Continue to flirt, be nice and move on! Good luck.

Q: I've been seeing someone for a few months. When we first met, he pursued me very aggressively. Then last night, he called to inform me he doesn't have the time right now for a "commitment". That aspect had never come up before. I guess I'm doomed to let it go, but what happened?-Last Call

Dear Last Call,
You're right. Let it go. Move on. You can feel bad...for a moment...but don't park there.

There are a multitude of possible reasons but my crystal ball is out being polished. He could be commitment phobic, he could be afraid, he could be...

Remember, you only love those who love you. And if he doesn't want to be
with you...can you say, "Next"

Q: I consider myself a smart and wise 26 year old woman, however there is something that even though I am a woman I completely don't understand. Many of my female friends date guys, while not perfect, are close to it. Then from out of the blue, they end the relationship. Being a good friend I asked why and some of their answers were startling. Most of them have been over petty things like the color of his car or how he made a little mistake. Maybe there is something wrong with me since I don't understand this. In case you ask, most of my friends range from 18-45 years of age. However, I will say that if I ever met a man who cared about me and was always a gentleman to me, I would not dump him for no reason.-What's Up With Women

Dear What's Up With Women,
Many people think dating is a game and they are constantly "playing" the game. When they get tired of one game - they move on to the next player. They really aren't interested in a relationship or are afraid of a relationship and commitment.

My suggestion to you is get out there and date. Have a great - authentic relationship - and settle for nothing less. Just because your girl friends aren't for real - it doesn't mean that you should be.

Men like and appreciate women who are real. Of course, keep a little mystery about you - but always be genuine.

1 comment:

  1. Let me just say some men just dont have a fucking heart!! You can be everything and give them everything and love them to the full extent and they in return will tell you how perfect you are and didnt mean to hurt you but sorry they have a block on their heart! and that will be all they can say is sorry I didnt want to hurt you!! Guess he got all he wanted with out any remorse for the other party that had their heart involved in what evidently was a false relationship! Now you tell me?? Some men just dont have a heart that beats!! Sorry thats just the way some Fukers evidently Role!