Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "I'm going to be 22 soon and I'm still a virgin"

Q: I'm going to be 22 soon and I'm still a virgin. The funny thing is it's that that I am not waiting for marriage, but I guess a loving relationship. I never had one of those. Everything else in my life is really how I want it. I am a grad student and I have a good job, great friends and a great relationship with my family. I really am happy. Men find me very attractive but I feel like I have a little wall up. I am not bitter for I have not had any negative experiences with men but all my friends have, so I'm self-protective.

Subconsciously I feel they will think it's weird that I am still a virgin at this age if I get really close to them and they find out...even my friends say "You're so pretty how can you be a V?" But I really would like a relationship. And I met a guy my last two weeks of undergrad who I really liked and he is from the same state as me. We've been e-mailing everyday since. He's even come back and we've hung out with a group. I really like him, but we are keeping it at a flirty but friendly level. We are just trying to get to know one another. He is a very conservative guy so I know my "v" status probably would not scare him off but I always have that thought. We are friends, maybe something will happen when he comes back maybe the meantime I will continue being the sole virgin of my age I know. How do you think I should handle myself when this topic comes up and do you know if this is a turnoff to men? -- Last American Virgin

Dear Last American Virgin,
Sex is a very personal and individual decision. This is how to handle the situation when the subject comes up. Simply tell a man that you're waiting for the right man and the right relationship. When the "right one" does comes along, just tell him that you've been waiting for him and that you've saved yourself for him. He will honor and respect you for that.

As for the "V" status, it is definitely not a turn off to men, at least not to right kind of men worthy of dating you. So blow that thought out of the water. Congratulations on staying true to your heart, true to your values and valuing yourself and your body. If your friends don't want to understand or accept the fact that you are someone who thinks for her self and does not succumb to peer pressure, then you might want to think about changing girlfriends. Don't let their negative feelings influence you. You have a very healthy attitude about yourself, relationships and sex. Keep it that way!

Q: I've been dating this guy for 6 months now. He is an intelligent man and cares very much about my feelings. However, certain aspects of his personality have been bothering me. First of all, he is 29 and just moved out of his parent's house for the first time this year. After four months, his parents come every weekend to buy him more stuff or help him out with the house. He talks to them every day and I think we've gone out together with his parents more often than our friends! Also, 75% of the time around me he acts like a child. He talks in an annoying voice that was cute for about the first 5 seconds and makes all these boyish gestures to me like clapping his hands and waving at me like a baby. I am beginning to think that he's looking for another mommy now that he's moved away from home. Do you think these issues are significant to the relationship as a whole? How can I break this to him without hurting him too much? I know he's been hurt a lot in the past. -- Andrea

Dear Andrea,
Are you looking for A) a man B) a pet project or C) Peter Pan D) to be someone's mommy? If B, C or D is your answer, then you've got the right relationship. It's obviously meeting your needs. However, if A is your final answer, then it's time to leave the boy behind and start dating some men.

There's no easy way to say goodbye. Be direct, be honest and have compassion. First tell him all the great qualities that you like in him. Then tell him which of his behaviors bother you. Don't make him wrong, but do be honest to yourself and to him. He needs to know why this relationship went south, so he can learn from it and have better relationships in the future. You might want to suggest that he go to play in an adult sandbox – aka – therapy.

Q: I was involved in a one year relationship with this man. We had a lot of fun together. I moved in with him about 6 months into the relationship. The last three months were miserable for me. I kept telling him that we needed to talk, but he never had time. I then had the courage to move out. He didn't talk to me a whole lot after I moved. I just thought he didn't care. I wanted to move on by dating other men. I started hanging out with this one guy who is a good friend of my ex-boyfriend. We seemed to hit it off really well. Now my ex-boyfriend comes back into my life saying he wants to try and make our relationship work. I don't know what to do. Do you have any good advice? -- Marcy

Dear Marcy,
You've come to right place for advice. It seems to me that you're still crazy about the ex, otherwise you would know exactly what to do. If that's the case, then the relationship is worth revisiting.

However, I'm just a little curious. Did ex finally realize what he lost or realize what some other guy found? Before you dump the current and run back to the ex, have that "talk" that you wanted to have for the last 3 months you were together but didn't have and hear what he has to say. See if you're both on the same page. Find out how things are going to be different this time around.

Be straight and up front with the current one about your intentions to meet with the ex. He deserves your honesty. Tell him that you're going to meet with your ex and why. It's the right thing to do.

Ultimately, I believe that the listening to the heart and the head makes the best decisions. But often, in these matters of the heart, the heart and passion take over. I've been there, so I just thought I'd let you know. Good luck. Just stay true to yourself and don't settle.

Q: I live in London and I had a nightmare of a date last week! I met this girl called Gail and after several days of phone calls, she agreed to go on a date with me! I got so worked up trying to get her to go out with me, I didn't really plan where we should go. I met her at 6, but after driving around for an hour and a half, wound up in a KFC because I used the last $10 on petrol for the car. I wanted to curl up and die, and I'm sure she did. I asked my date Faye as I called her (she corrected me twice) what she does for work. I told her that I am an administrator, and the job is quite dull. I couldn't remember exactly what she told me, and I asked her again later. She seemed to be annoyed and fidgety. She said something about a headache, and said she could get a train home. I thanked her for a lovely time, but when I tried to hug and French kiss her she seemed to pull away.

What did I do wrong? Was it the goodbye? The fact I didn't clear out the back of the car before I picked her up? I think she saw one of my porno's on the parcel shelf! How can I get Gail back? – Alphonse

Dear Alphonse,
You were right, it was a nightmare, but chalk it up as a good learning experience. The best way to prevent this same nightmare from happening again is to: Leave the porno mags at home. Clean out your car. Clean up your act and keep your tongue in your mouth.

Since you know that you're probably going to be nervous on a date, plan the whole date in advance. Pre-select the restaurant, club, or activity and have a back-up contingency plan, so you won't feel flustered. Talk about things that you're interested in, not things that bore you, like your job. Make the conversation light and interesting. Forget about Gail. I highly doubt if you could get Gail back, you couldn't even remember her name. And you were totally out of line in trying to put your tongue in her mouth. By her behavior and comment about taking the train home, she was telling you that she wanted the date over and that she wasn't having a good time. But you weren't listening. Next time, pay attention to the woman you're with, and try to get her name right.

Q: I'm very depressed about my life. I've been separated for 4 month. For the first three months I didn't want to see him, then suddenly he came over and started to cry. He begged me just to allow contact with me (we have a son together). He told me that I broke his heart and that I took his son away from him.

I told him that I never had anybody in those three months but he doesn't believe me. I left him because he was never there for our son and me. Now that I let him come over, once more he acts as if he doesn't care about us. He doesn't call for days and then he calls. I found a phone number of another girl but he swears that he put it there to make me jealous. What should I do? Is he dating her? How can I make things better?-- He's gone but wants to come back

Dear He's gone but wants to come back,
First of all, do you want him back? And how does he treat you and your son? Actions speak louder than words. If you want to know how he feels about you and what you can expect from him, pay attention to what he does and not to what he says.

If you want to take him back, then I suggest that you both go for counseling. This relationship needs help. Contact your priest, minister, rabbi or local women's resource center to get help.

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