Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "I was dumped by the man of my dreams"

Q: I took your workshop last week and I want to share something. I went out to run errands and just got back. My first stop was the coffee shop to pick up a cup while I ran around. I remembered what you said in the workshop about how to walk and smile and just open up. So I did that. Nothing special happened at the coffee shop but I FELT WHAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT. It's so true. When I'm in my body, in the moment, instead of being a woman on a mission it truly does feel different. It's enjoyable and, even though I was in my sloppy jeans and shirt, I felt sexy! I then went to Kinko's to make copies and stayed in that space of receptivity the very young check out guy called me a beautiful blond and then, when I was making a left hand turn a gentleman stopped his car so I could get into the lane I wanted. He was very nice and smiling. It was great. Thank you. Now I understand what it means to stop being an alpha female and "bee." - Another of New Queen Bees

Dear Another of New Queen Bees,
Thank you for your lovely note. The more "Bees" the better. I do hope you're wearing your tiara. It positively goes everywhere and with everything.

Q: Thank you so much for answering my letter "not just friends". I know you get numerous requests for advice and help everyday. The fact that you chose mine is very special to me. I value your advice and guidance. Since I have been visiting your website I have made great improvements in the way I view and handle relationships. You have made a BIG difference in not only my life but in the lives of countless other people. When I am ready to have "the talk," I will heed your wise words. I brag to all my friends about your website and encourage everyone I know to visit you.- Hoping to Love Better

Dear Hoping to Love Better,
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. I receive a lot of mail. And, although I read each letter, I am not able to answer all of them personally.

For those of you who want to be sure of an answer to your dating problem or relationship crisis, click advice now. For a small fee, you will receive an answer usually within 48 hours.

Or if you want to talk to me, call my radio show on KRLA called Dating, Relating and Mating on Sunday nights between 10pm - midnight PDT. It's always open phones. The toll-free number from anywhere in the U.S. is 1-866-870-KRLA.

Q: How does a woman reconcile the idea of "guarding or protecting your heart" and "embracing/displaying your feminine vulnerability?" This is the missing link. - Recovering Alpha Female

Dear Recovering Alpha Female,
In order to be feminine and vulnerable, you have to trust and be trusting. First you have to trust yourself and love yourself enough to believe that you can have what you want. Once you have self-love, you gain a certain standard and a level of expectation of what is acceptable to you in your life and in love. And, you won't allow yourself to be treated any lower than that expectation. Knowing this, you are able to embrace your feminine vulnerability because you know and accept who you are and are clear about your expectations.

You can be trusting (out in the world) only when you trust yourself. I hope this helps. It gratifies me so much to know that you are a recovering Alpha Female. Go girl! Break down the walls and let the love flow both in and out.

Q: I was dumped by the man of my dreams. He said that my sarcastic edge could be abrasive and that I too often said hurtful things in anger. And, he felt as if I did not provide enough affection. Looking back, he tried in many ways to indicate what was wrong, but I ignored the problems.

After he walked away, I began some serious self-examination. I came to understand that he was right and have made significant changes in my life and my behavior. My dating relationships, as well as those with my family, friends, and co-workers have drastically improved.

I have stayed in touch with my ex and would like another chance. I have never attempted to rekindle, uncertain if there is any hope to recover love gone bad or maybe fear of rejection. Is there a chance to "win" him back?- Love Gone Bad

Dear Love Gone Bad,
Great question. First of all, be thankful and grateful for this man coming into your life because he helped you realize that you didn't want to be angry, alone and an alpha female anymore. The break-up served as a catalyst and a wake-up call.

Now that you're awake, you can really come from a loving place. You can be the vulnerable, risking, loving, feminine woman that you really are. Can love gone bad become good again? Perhaps, but you have to be willing to risk - loving, being loved and being hurt. Are you really willing? Only you know the answer to this question. My crystal ball is in the shop for repair today.

This is what I know. No one can reject you but you. If he has moved on in his life and doesn't want to try again, then don't take it personally. He isn't rejecting you, but rather, he's made a decision about himself and what he wants in his life. If this turns out to be the case, then experience the total lesson, learn from it, and move on.

Remember, if the train doesn't stop at your station, then it wasn't your train and the man you really want wasn't on it.

The second thing I know. People never regret what they do; they only regret what they don't do. Don't live in a world of regrets. It gives you wrinkles and insomnia.

The only way you'll ever know if love gone bad can become good again is to take a chance on love. Good luck. Let me know what happens. Both my readers and me want to know.

Q: My girlfriend told me not to call her anymore because I call too much. What should I do?- Call Too Much

Dear Call Too Much,
Listen to her because she's telling you how she feels. Stop calling or your girlfriend could become your ex-girlfriend. Instead of calling her, go shoot some hoops, read a book, go for a run, lift weights, do push-ups, or mentor a kid. Do something constructive. Expand your life. And, if you don't have a life, create one.

Q: I am a sophomore in high school and I have never had a girlfriend. I am not super attractive (very skinny and pretty shy). On a scale of 1-10, based on looks, I see myself as maybe a 5. I want to know if you could give me some tips on how to get a girl, some say it is confidence, but I don't know. I am so confused. What do girls my age mostly look for in a guy? Also can you give me any tips on how not to be shy when first meeting a girl? I'm afraid of being rejected, looking stupid, and not knowing what to do or say.-Afraid to Approach a Girl

Dear Afraid to Approach a Girl,
The first way not to be shy is take back your power. Instead of giving your power away and wondering if she will like you, ask yourself the really important question - will you like her? This gives you a whole new attitude and puts you in the driver seat.

As Wally Amos (of Famous Amos Cookies) said, "It is your mental attitude which creates results in your life." So have the new attitude that whatever happens when you walk up to her and talk to her, you won't take it personally. Whether it's wonderful and she loves you or she's not interested, don't be invested in the results. Stay focused on the process and connecting with her - let the outcome take care of itself.

For example: Kobe and Shaq of the Lakers practice shooting baskets. Before they shoot, they focus on the basket and making the shot. But once they shoot - they no longer focus on making the basket (the result) - their bodies and souls are together focusing on the process of shooting. They know they have done everything they can to make the shot, so they just shoot and let the outcome take care of itself.
You see, if you're attached to the outcome of being liked, your fears will act as a wall preventing you from being yourself and so you will be awkward. And you'll act as if you're under a microscope. No one does well under a microscope, believe me.

Here are my two best tips:
1. No matter what happens - don't take it personally. It's not about you.
2. Don't make assumptions. Don't assume she's not going to like you. You're not inside her head. Assumptions only get you in trouble. The reason you have a mouth and ears are so you can connect and communicate with another soul, so you can speak your mind, ask for what you want and, so you can both listen and hear what someone else is saying. (Here's the deal-if you're listening to the voices in your head telling you you're not good enough you're not paying attention to the gal who is front of you and what she is saying).
How to walk up to a girl: don't be desperate and don't be needy. Make it be easy. Remember you're in the driver's seat. Act like it's no big deal. The best pick up line for a guy is "Hi." Then tell her she has a pretty smile or sparkling blue, green, brown eyes. Have a brief conversation, perk her interest, maintain a 'tude, then leave. Just give her enough to whet her appetite. Next time you see her, smile and talk with her a little more.

Shyness is a state of mind. Get a new attitude. Write down the 5 things that are really terrific about you and that includes your honesty, integrity, kind heart, caring nature, brains, athletic ability, a good friend, funny, a good listener, a good dancer, knows music, plays an instrument, and anything else that is true. Now, how would you feel if a girl with those characteristics were interested in you? I bet you'd feel pretty terrific.

Keep that list with you at all times and put one in your room or on the bathroom mirror. Use that list to help you form your new attitude. Then start practicing smiling and saying hello to girls. Remember whether they smile back or not, it doesn't matter because you don't take it personally. It takes practice to become good at anything and everything, and dating is no exception.

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