Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "I have liked my best friend's sister for a long time"

Q: I've been dating a woman for the past 7 months. We see each other about once or twice a week. One thing that bothers me about her is that she takes a long time to respond to my messages. For example, I would leave her a message on her answering machine late morning to go out but she won't respond to me until the next day or 2 to 3 days later. I find this somewhat rude and annoying since we do have an intimate relationship. Am I being impatient and overreacting to the situation or should I confront her about it? -- Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,
You're feeling hurt so you want to do something about it. Confront her? No. A better way is to discuss this issue with her in an open, honest, and loving way. Don't make her wrong, as it doesn't serve either one of you nor the relationship.

I am a little confused though. Do you call her on the same day you want to go out (that's a no no) or do you make her feel special by calling her way in advance to ask her out (oooh! you're terrific)? And do you call just to talk? When leaving a message, let her know that you're looking forward to hearing from her so you can make plans or because you just want to talk with her and hear her great voice

Q: I have liked my best friend's sister for a long time now and I have very deep feelings for her but I am afraid that dating her would affect my relationship with my friend and would make this very awkward. What should I do? -- Trevor

Dear Trevor,
He is your best friend, so talk to him. And if you're an honorable guy, which you sound like you are, and your intentions are honorable with his sister, then there's no problem. However, if you generally don't treat women well and your best friend knows that, then he's right to keep her away from you. .

Q: At 52 with 18 years of singlehood, you'd think that I would know the answer to this but...after seeing a nice man over the last spring and summer, I think he's a good person but I am just not interested in seeing him anymore. What's the best way to end this without hurting his feelings? He's very persistent and has already expressed considerable devotion to me. -- Susan

Dear Susan,
I'm glad you wrote to me. No matter how old we are, none of us have all the answers.

Saying goodbye is always tough, especially for women. There is no good way to end something when it's not mutual because someone is always going to get hurt. But it's important to be honest with him, true to yourself, and to speak your truth. The best way to end the relationship is face to face in a private place, so no one is subjected to any embarrassment or humiliation. Take a walk on the beach or go to a park.

When you talk, come from a loving place and stand in your truth. Tell him exactly what you told me, that's he a good person and everything is right about him, but you're not interested in dating him anymore. It's important, for both of you, that an ending be clean. In other words, tell him why you're ending it, so he isn't left wondering what he did wrong or what he could have done differently. These are normal questions we ask ourselves when someone breaks up with us. Make it clear that he didn't do anything wrong (if that's the truth), but that you feel differently then he does and why.

Q: I met this guy two and one half weeks ago and we totally hit it off. The first time I met him we talked for hours about everything. Then the second time I saw him we totally connected again. We exchanged numbers and he said he would call me. I really have no doubt in my mind that he was just playing games with me. I've called and left messages for him twice, but I don't know if he got them. He hasn't called me back. I'm confused and I don't understand why he hasn't called back. -- Julie

Dear Julie,
He got the messages. He didn't call back because he didn't want to. Don't call him anymore. There's nothing wrong with you, so don't go there. In fact, this guy did you a favor. He didn't waste any more of your time. It's his loss. He could have had the opportunity to get to know a fabulous woman and he blew it.

There are so many reasons why men don't call back, including: they get involved with something else and by the time they get back to calling they are embarrassed about the amount of time that has lapsed and so they don't call; they get scared; they're interested when they are with you but out of sight out of mind; they've met someone else, you don't have everything that they are looking for, and probably the #1 reason that men don't call back is because it is one of the great mysteries of the cosmos designed to drive women crazy. It is one of things that we will never understand. So girlfriends unite. Give it up! You see, you're never really going to know the why and even if you did, would it matter? The end result is...he didn't call. Do yourself a favor. Move on and say, "Next!".

Q: I have been dating a girl. The day before our six-month anniversary she said she needed space. I am not quite sure what to do now. I am afraid this means we are going to break up. Is there anything I can do to win her heart back? -- Grant

Dear Grant,
First and foremost, be the man she fell in love with six months ago. It worked then for you. Second, who said you lost her heart? She just said that she needs some space. Take a breath and keep your wits. It makes you more attractive. This is not the time to push as you will push her away. Find out exactly what she means by "needing space." Then honor her feelings and her request. Then get on with your life, stay active, and be happy.

Make the times you do spend together wonderful, magical and with no pressure. This gives her breathing room and at the same time, great memories of the happy times together. This will give her something to think about when you're not there. She could be scared so she's backing off a little. Maybe she's commitment phobic and is afraid of intimacy. Perhaps the relationship is too controlling and confining. I could go on and on speculating, but the surest way I know to find out what is in someone else's head, is to open the lines of communication and ask them. When you create an open and loving space, you make it safe for the other person to be honest with you. Honesty and open communication can help you negotiate and navigate through trying times in a relationship.

Through it all remember who you are and keep a strong self of self..

Q: I was happy to see your site, because I have a difficult situation. A couple of weeks ago I met a really great guy at a wedding. Our parents know each other and mine told his that I thought he was cute (very embarrassing!) His mom said that he was asking her about me. So, we talked the whole night. He took me home and before I left his car we made plans to go repelling the next morning and he gave me his phone numbers (his parent's and his in Florida). By the way, we live in different states. So, the next morning he came to the house with some bad news that his grandma had to be rushed to the emergency room and that he was going to stay with her for the morning. Well, at that moment I figured that it was just an excuse not to go, so I just casually said, " I hope everything turns out okay." He asked me to call later that afternoon before I left. I did, but he wasn't home. I talked to his mom who told me that he was still at the hospital with grandma. I gave her my number to give to him. I told her to tell him to give me a call the next time he is in Missouri. My question to you, after that long story is, should I call him sometime this week? He did give me his number. I think that we could have something, and I don't want to let this slip away. What do you think? And also, was my behavior toward him that next morning inappropriate? --What to do?

Dear What to Do?,
First of all, your behavior was fine. So let that go. Second, and more importantly, what should you do? Do you or do you not call this man? Remember words of wisdom, queen bees attract and wannabes troll to find them. In simple words, men pursue women. If you do a man's job for him, he'll have nothing to do.

So remember those words when you talk with him. It's okay to call him and ask about his grandmother. In the conversation, praise him and reinforce his decision to go to the hospital to be with her. It was the right thing to do. Then let him take over the conversation. By contacting him you let him know that you're interested, so now step back and let him pursue you and the relationship.

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