Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "I don't know what to say to her if I do see her alone"

Q: I am a 24-year-old straight guy. I'm not seeing anybody at the moment, however I think I really love the woman I see often getting on the same bus as me. I can't speak to her, as she's always with her friend on the bus. And I don't know what to say to her if I do see her alone. Please help!-What Do I Say

Dear What Do I Say,
I know you're shy and afraid of being rejected. Guess what? No one wants to get rejected. And, we're all afraid of looking stupid and not being liked. So get over yourself. Believe me, the more you put yourself out there, the easier it gets. Take a deep breath - feel your fear - and say hello anyway. I promise you - you won't die. I know you will feel like you are going to die, but you won't. You'll probably be sweating to death(so carry a towel) and feeling awkward and stupid, but awkwardness, sweating, and feeling stupid never killed anyone.

Ask yourself this question, do you want to be right and alone or do you want to take a risk and perhaps connect with a wonderful woman?

As for loving this woman, that's a little dramatic. You don't even know her yet. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. The truth is that you see this girl on the bus and you'd like to get to know her. Everything else is up for grabs at this point.

You need a strategy and game plan. Here it is. When you see her on the bus, smile at her at say "Hi." The next time you see her, say "Hi" again and, then look at her directly, but also include the friend in the conversation (you don't want to appear rude) and tell them that it seems we're often on the same bus. Isn't that an interesting coincidence? Tell her the reason that you're on the bus, either going to or from work or shopping or visiting a relative/friend or whatever the reason is. Then ask her where she is going. And then, quite nonchalantly, tell her your name and ask both of them their names. Again, you don't want to leave the friend out - but you do want to make it clear that your interest is in one of the women. The third time you see her (or if the conversation is flowing and going extremely well you can do this the second time you see her), you can suggest that two of you meet for a coffee. Ask her for her number and if she's reluctant to give it to you, then make a date with her right then and there - include day, place and time. Close the deal. And, give her your number just to show that you're for real.

Remember, it takes guts to go after what you want. No guts no reward. You can ride the bus forever admiring this girl from afar, or you can do something about making your dream a reality. It's your choice.

In order to have guts, you have to be willing to risk rejection. I'm not saying you're going to be rejected; you just have to be okay with being rejected in the event that she's not available or interested. However, here's the secret to why you can take this action and survive, no matter what happens. If she happens to say no, don't take it personally. It's not about you. It's about her. And don't make assumptions about what she is or isn't thinking.

The way to get over shyness and fear is to be on the playing field. The more you're out there playing, the more experience you'll have in a variety of situations, and the more confidence you'll build. I say go for it. And let me know what happens.

Q: I'm involved in a long distance relationship for the last four months and I have accused my girlfriend of cheating on me over the phone because I have heard strange noises in the background. For example, I heard a loud slapping noise and she told me she hit herself in the face but the noise sounded just like someone hitting her on her thigh. I confronted her about it and she attacked me by saying that I always hear what I want to hear but I know that my hearing is ok. I passed my naval health examination. My question is this my imagination or is this real and how do I go about re-establishing trust in our relationship?-Want to Trust Again

Dear Want to Trust Again,
I don't know whether she is or isn't cheating, but I do know that without trust your relationship is doomed, especially a long distance relationship. A long distance relationship is hard enough to keep, but when you add doubt and distrust to it, let's just say, if I did have a crystal ball and if I did look into it, I wouldn't see you two as the dynamic duo. A relationship without trust is not a healthy relationship and has no place to go but down.

First question: Do you have any reason or evidence to believe or suspect that your girlfriend would cheat on you or are you just feeling insecure?

Second question: Instead of being accusatory and putting her on the defensive, why don't the two of you have an honest conversation about how each of you are feeling? And really listen to each other - what each other is saying and not saying. It doesn't take rocket science to listen. It takes caring and compassion, and it's even easy to do when you really care about someone.

We all hear what we want to hear. It usually has nothing to do with our hearing - but everything to do with our consciousness, how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about the other person, and our excess relationship baggage that we carry around.

I suggest that both of you start communicating better - it's not only about talking to each other but it also means really listening to each other. And give each other permission to be real, authentic, honest, and vulnerable.

Also, start remembering the reason why you are in the relationship with this person and where you would like to see this relationship go. Once you are clear about those two things, it will be much easier for you, for both of you, to create a stronger foundation together.

The way to re-establish trust is to start trusting the person 100%. Put both feet into the relationship. Just as you can't be a little pregnant, you can't be a just a little trusting in a relationship and expect it to blossom.

Q: About two months ago, my girlfriend of 10 months ended our relationship. She said she was scared, that she didn't think she was still "in love", but that she would always love me and that hopefully someday we could again be best friends.

The weeks that followed started out with us actually talking a lot. We even kissed on occasion, but then she decided to end that also. We didn't talk for two weeks, but suddenly two weeks ago she started calling. We started talking again and things quickly escalated. Two nights ago she woke me up and told me that she loved me and always had. Then last night she told me that she was really confused and that she wanted to date around.

She's only 19 and I'm 23, but I love her and want to spend my life with her. She has made me a better person and I know she loves me, but she is scared. What do I do, how do I act? I tell her that I am there to be supportive, but I don't think it's enough. Any advice you can provide to help me save our love or help me move on and maintain our friendship?-Heartbroken an Scared

Dear Heartbroken an Scared,
Based on your letter, I absolutely believe that your girlfriend loves you, but that she's terrified to make a commitment. There is nothing you can do to make her make that commitment if she's not ready.

In order for your relationship to work you both have to be on the same page and both ready. Unfortunately, you're both not in the same place at this time. My suggestion is for you to tell her that you love her and because you do, you're setting her free to date others. But because you're not a ping-pong ball but a human being with a heart that can love and break, you can't be friends. There's too much emotion and connection between the two of you to just be friends.

Therefore, if she wants to date others, wish her well and move on. Don't shut the door on her, but leave it open. When and if she makes up her mind and if you're still available, then perhaps the two of you can start planning a life together. In the meantime…the beat goes on and so should you. Otherwise, she'll stay on the fence - one day she will be ready to pick out china patterns and the next day she will want to date others. If you want to be on a roller coaster, go to Disney Land. At least there you know the ride doesn't go on forever.

Q: I just recently started dating this guy and I fell in love with him immediately. One issue though is that he is white and I'm black which is not a problem, but it just seems like there are a lot of things he does not understand and I constantly find myself explaining. In the beginning everything was perfect, like all relationships, but then all of a sudden once he found out my financial situation, I find him always fussing at me if I spend a dollar.

What happened to him loving me for me? I find him pushing - not encouraging at all. For past 5 days all we've done is argue about my bills, or me finding another job, and not just that, but I think he feels like because he makes more money than me that he has total control and I have no options. So what do I do in a situation like this? I don't want to lose him, but I'm tired of his constant complaining. - How Do I Keep the Love

Dear How Do I Keep the Love,
Can you say control freak? He doesn't want to love you; he wants to control you, the money, and the relationship. Relationships are built on mutual love, trust, dignity and respect. How many of those describe your relationship?

You have plenty of options. Which one do you want to exercise? A man will only treat you the way you expect and allow him to treat you. Stop arguing. In a calm, feminine, powerful way, if you don't like the way he is treating you, let him know. Then, if he continues same behavior, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and maintain your self-dignity, self-respect, and self-esteem.

I think you both would benefit from some relationship coaching - especially him. I just happen to know a great relationship coach. Call me at 310.394.2647.

And, by the way, if race isn't an issue in your relationship, why did you bring it up in your letter? For your information, there's a huge difference between racial and cultural issues.

Q: I've known this guy for about a year now and I'm starting to fall in love with him. He told me he likes me and he knows I like him but no one ever asks for a relationship. I am at the point in my life where I want a relationship and I want it with him. So, should I wait on him to ask or should I be the one to ask? Another problem is that I might be moving to Ohio. So should I still want a relationship even if it's a long distance one or should we just remain friends? - Want More than Friendship

Dear Want More Than Friendship,
Are you two dating or just friends? If you're dating and you want it to go to the next step, as in having a committed relationship, you might want to let him know where you are and what you want out of life and that you might be moving to Ohio. Share your feelings and your hopes for your life in the future and see how he responds. As a woman, it's your job to create the opening. It's his job to walk through the door…or not. And, if he isn't willing or doesn't want to walk through the door, after you've told him what you want, then it's time to move on. Remember, men…and women are like trains, another one will be along. If a train doesn't stop at your station, then it isn't your train.

You can only open the door (and that's what you do with feminine energy). It's his choice whether he wants to walk through it (that's masculine energy). If he does, that's great. The two of you will handle the long-distance part of it. If not, you can be distant…and I do mean distant (even if you're in the same city) friends. The reason for this is, that according to the law of physics, two things can't occupy the same space at the same time. You can't just be friends with a person who you are in love with. You'll end up living a life of yearning for love instead of living a life of having love.

Q: I' m only 18 and the guy I've been on and off for a year and a half is right now confused about being with me or not. At first he wanted to stop dating, so we did. Then two days after I started dating another guy, he starts calling me again. This is driving me crazy. What do I do? - Should I Go Back to Him or Move on
Dear Should I Go Back to Him or Move on,
If he's confused, let him stay that way until he can make up his mind. It's not your problem, so don't make it your problem. It sounds to me that he's quite competitive and loves the chase. As long as no one else was interested in you, neither was he…really. But as soon as someone else wants what he considers "his woman," he wants you back.

Well my dear, don't be so available. Value yourself more and then so will he. Remember, a man will only treat you the way you treat yourself. So if you don't value you, he won't either. I wouldn't stop dating the new guy because your old boyfriend wants you back. It seems that your ex doesn't cherish you. He may miss you but he doesn't cherish you. You want to be cherished and made to feel special. And, you only want to be with a guy realizes that and whose actions match his words. Right now your ex seems to be full of hot air.

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