Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "I can't meet anyone"

Q: True a lot of guys look for stimulation in all 3 areas but I think guys compartmentalize and don't necessarily need to find all 3 satisfied in the same person. Eventually this will happen, but I personally would not ever tell a man to put himself in a mind-frame, unless he is married, to seek all three in the same woman. It is too much to expect. I had a situation in college where I was pursuing one girl for dates and dinners and good conversation, etc. but she and I were both hesitant to move sexually. After the dates, there was another 'booty call' girl at 2am sometimes. Both the mental and physical needs were satisfied just by different people.

Most men need to fantasize. I personally don't have a double standard in this. If I had a s/o (significant other) who liked male porn to a degree, it would be okay with me. In most cases, guys cannot substitute porn for the real deal OK. The dirty mags are not a real threat to the s/o. Unlike women, guys see hundreds of women in a day they wouldn't mind having sex with. Women teach themselves they shouldn't be attracted to so many people sexually. I think society teaches women to restrain their sex drive too much. It would be comforting to think if more women did this, then they may not have so many emotional issues regarding sex. -Men and Porn

Thank you for this letter, which is in response to post and reader letter Not All Men Like Porn. I always appreciate hearing from my readers and learning their views.

Q: I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years back in June. Since then I dated one guy who turned out to be a major jerk for 2 months or so. Since then I haven't. I can't meet anyone. I am totally frustrated and lonely. What I am I doing wrong? —Can't Meet Anyone

Dear Can't Meet Anyone,
Are you looking for quality or quantity? For the right man or a mere replacement? Let's look at the last 5 months. You broke up with you ex in June, so let's figure it took three weeks for you to heal (or do something to get over the loneliness), then started dating again, and then dated a guy for two months, that didn't work out, so that brings you up to today.

Take a breath girlfriend. You've already diagnosed the problem yourself. Your frustration and loneliness are showing up as desperation. Desperation is not very attractive to men. Maybe that's why there is no perfume called Desperation. Start getting comfortable in your own skin. Nurture yourself and treat yourself wonderfully well. Get together with your girlfriends and give each other facials, manicures and pedicures. Have a girl's night out.

Concentrate on making yourself happy instead of trying so hard to find someone who will love you. Instead, start loving yourself more and let that self-love attract someone. Self-love is a potent perfume.

Q: Recently a girl I have been friends with for a long time and I had sex. The problem is that we have always been just good friends. We were drunk and it just happened. I think we both realize that it was a mistake, but we can?t take it back. The big problem is that now we both feel really weird around each other. She is avoiding me and I am kind of doing the same. I hate to lose a friend over this.?Had Sex With a Friend

Dear Had Sex With a Friend,
Now is the time to be the manly man. Take charge and face the music. Okay, you?re both embarrassed and you don?t know how to handle it, so you?re running away and hiding, hoping "it" will go away. Well, it won?t, because whether you remain friends or not, both of you will play the instant-replay tape over and over again in your mind. So get it out in the open.

This is what you are going to do. Be the consummate gentleman. Call her up and take her out to dinner to her favorite restaurant. Create a safe space for her to be open and vulnerable. Tell her how sorry you are that it happened and how much you value her and her friendship. And, that you want to open the lines of communication so you both can rebuild your friendship.

Most importantly, learn from this. The lesson is don?t get drunk with people you care about because you know you'll get out of control.

Q: I need your advice badly. I just met someone through the local personals and apparently we have the same acquaintances and now I'm feeling awkward about meeting him. What should I do? -Met Online but we have mutual friends

Dear Met Online,
There?s no stigma attached to online dating. You?re both looking for love in the same place at the same time. Go for it - meet him. And let me know how it turns out.

Q: I have this friend who has had a pretty bad track record when it comes to boyfriends. Basically, any guy who shows the least bit of interest in her gets the prize without having to meet any sort of standards. Well, now she's going out with this guy who, at first glance, actually doesn't look too shabby. He's good looking, popular, wealthy, and he used to treat her well. He takes up all of her time, and if she tries to explain that she needs to work or go out with her girlfriends, he puts her on a guilt trip or gets angry and she lets him win. As a result, we hardly see her outside of school anymore. Meanwhile, she obligingly goes out with him and his friends. When we invite the couple to come out with us, they always have an excuse. It has gotten to the point where she'll lie to us for him. She also lost her virginity to him which is a big deal to her.

Recently, many of her other friends have come forward with something they heard from her boyfriend's best friend which was that he slept with another girl. When she asked her boyfriend "Who could have possible started this rumor?" he became incredibly defensive and blew up at her. She wound up apologizing to him, as she always does. Then, at HIS request, she dumped every last one of those friends who told her the news. Having known her for eight years, I know an unhappy friend when I see one.

Her self-esteem has gone down the tubes, she relies on him for any feeling of self-worth. We've seen the influence he had on her, I mean, she gave up all those friends at the snap of his finger. I know she will stay with him no matter what he does to her. During the whole cheating business, she even stated, without shame, that even if he were to cheat on her she would not lose him. She thinks she loves him too much to leave him, even if he does not reciprocate the commitment she has given to him. I think I've done all I can as a friend, but it is so frustrating to see her doing this to herself! Is there anything more I can do? —A Frustrated Friend

Dear Frustrated Friend,
It's amazing what we will do when we so desperately want someone to love us because we don't love ourselves. Your friend's behavior is very common among women who don?t value themselves. Her self-worth is completely tied to being in a relationship, regardless of how abusive it is. All she knows is that someone is paying attention to her. People only change when they can't stand anymore what is happening in their lives.

If you know a "together" woman who is a few years older than you, ask her to mentor you and your girlfriend. Through mentoring, your friend will get a positive female role model that could influence and change her behavior. There's not much more you can do but continue to love her and be in her life, no matter how hard she tries to push you away. You really are a great friend, even if she can?t see it right now.

Q: This is my problem. I made the first move by calling the guy I like to tell him I like him. After reading your site about Queen Bees, can I get that alluring/mysterious thing back? He said he liked me too and I gave him my number because I was in a rush. —I Called Him First

Dear I Called Him First,
Yes, you can still be the Queen Bee and here's how. Let him do all the calling. Of course, return his calls, but don?t initiate anything. Your job is to be receptive to what he gives you. If you're not getting enough from him, let him know and move on. Don't do his job for him because then he'll have nothing to do.

Be friendly, but keep an air of mystery. This is what I mean. If a movie trailer told you the complete plot of the movie, you would never go see the film. If a movie review or book jacket told you the story, you would never read the book. So, yes be feminine - open and honest and vulnerable but, a good author brings you into the book, she doesn't tell you everything on the first page.

Q: My guy and I have been dating for 6 years. Both of our former spouses are deceased and we are both in our forties. The problem is I don't feel that he is committed to our relationship. His only child finishes law school this year. Last year, we discussed that when his daughter is out of law school, we could then make plans for our marriage. I have two children, ages 10 & 14, whom he treats well. Here's my problem. I am ready to settle down and begin a life with him. He tends to take me for granted. I am accepting of this to a point. He puts me on the back burner when his daughter is home from school during the holidays. This year he announced that the two of them are going to Amsterdam for New Years. When he asked what I wanted for Christmas, I told him an engagement ring. He did not mention any more about it, but the fact that he is going to Holland over New Years is just one more indication to me that he is not serious about our relationship. What should I do? If he does not give me a ring I think that indicates he has no intention of furthering things. What do you think? —Doubting His Commitment

Dear Doubting His Commitment,
Let?s not jump to conclusions just yet. I think you have felt taken for granted for quite a while, and now all those feelings have come to a head. The issue of Amsterdam for New Years isn't about Amsterdam, it goes much deeper.

In the past you have accepted being taken for granted and now you want to change the rules. The problem is that you haven?t told him that you've changed the rules. You think he should know. Maybe he forgot to take his ESP pills so he doesn't have a clue.

As a single parent, his devotion to his only child is understandable. He?s trying to compensate for her mom not being there, by being both parents to her. In terms of marriage, your letter indicated that you two would make marriage plans when his daughter graduates. Seems to me graduation usually occurs in June.

He sounds like a really great guy and that both of you have something wonderful and special. I suggest that the two of you, after Christmas, go out for dinner alone, and talk. I don't think he has a clue that you feel neglected. Explain to him how you feel, but don't make him wrong. Avoid the 3Cs, they will push him away. Give him the opportunity to tell you how important you are in his life and refresh his memory about the marriage talk you had. Be open and vulnerable, and give him a chance to respond. After the talk, you'll be in a much better position to evaluate where you go next. You'll know whether you're walking down the aisle or giving him his walking papers.

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