Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "I am so in love with this guy but I think he doesn't even notice me!"

Q: I'm making a change in my life by staying sober. I had to let my sponsor go because she told me that I couldn't date for the first year of my sobriety. I thought that was a little old- fashioned. Do you think dating is okay for me or do you think she was right about not dating? -Staying Sober

Dear Staying Sober,
Do you want to be right or be sober? Your sponsor has been where you've been and knows what it's like. I suggest that you listen to her if you're serious about being sober, staying sober, and having a wonderful relationship after you've done the work on yourself.

Q: Last year I took myself off of all online dating services after meeting so many men who hid in safe harbor of the almighty box. I actually giggled and ceremonious chuckle when I pushed the last button to release myself from cyber-hell. I had a long stretch off being happily alone (with many friends). During that time I was able to start my own business and I was very content. I find I still don't need a man but I sure would not mind cuddling up on Sundays with a special mate. Two and one half months ago I started dating another man who I met through a client. He is a widower. He is a very decent man and I am in that insecure phase where I am feeling vulnerable and feel like I need more but I am afraid to ask. He has a full life of friends and I feel as though I am compartmentalized and he is quite content seeing me once a week. I don't know if we have the same goals. I suppose I could ask, but we have only been dating for two and a half months. Any advice? -In the Insecure Phase

Dear In the Insecure Phase,
Dating can be hell because it really can make you crazy, insecure and lose perspective. As soon as we let down our protective shields, we become vulnerable. And that's hard - for all of us. So you're not the lone ranger.

You sound like a woman who is content with herself and that is quite excellent. Don't let your fears and insecurities shake that core. Feel the fear and do it anyway - keep being who you are.

I don't know if you both do or don't want the same thing. My crystal ball is in the shop for polishing . But, after almost three months, it is okay to talk about your goals. No, you're not asking him if the two of you are going to be picking out china patterns in the near future, but you do want a sense if the two of you are going in the same direction. If he wants a weekly date and you want a relationship, then you want different things. But you won't know that until the two of you talk. Be your feminine self and talk and find out what you both want and then decide what you want to do. Remember, one of my top two beliefs about dating are: Don't take things personally and don't make assumptions. Good luck.

Q: I'm an extremely outgoing person. There is someone I have a crush on that I met through an online service. I sent him info about CHAT and a lengthy email. How do you wait for him to make a move? My whole life I've gone after everything - the job, home, etc. like a mad woman. I have a hard time dealing with matters that are not based on logic. My nature is to seek out and zero in for the *kill* in this case love of course. How do you stop being rational and aggressive in this matter? -Too Aggressive

Dear Too Aggressive,
Love is a matter of the heart. To experience love you can't think it, you have to feel it and that means opening yourself up. Joan of Arc, it's time to take off your armor and stop being ready for battle all the time. You're always looking for the next conquest to validate you and reinforce how worthy you are. Here's the secret. The conquest doesn't make your more worthy; it just makes you a busy worker bee. Here's a tremendous opportunity for you. Make a choice. Do you want to be a Queen Bee or a worker bee?

The reason you have to be rational all the time is because you want to be in control. You're terrified of the unknown, so you compartmentalize everything and put it in a nice neat box. That's all your masculine energy.

The secret is that magic, creation, and the birth of ideas and happiness happen when you're in your feminine energy. The reasons that your "whole life you've gone after everything" in an aggressive and pushy way are: 1. You were taught to do that that either from your mom or your culture 2. You don't believe that you deserve to have what you want or that you can have what you want so you keep chasing anything and everything in order to validate yourself.

In order to stop being an Alpha Female - feminist and start becoming a Queen Bee - feminine, you have to do four things: love yourself, get out of your head and into your heart, make up a new belief system that you are worthy to have what you want, and slow down-stop running around trying to make things happen and allow things to happen. You're doing all the pursuing. As a woman, in matters of the heart, it's your job to be pursued. Stop doing the man's job of trolling and looking for someone. Be like the Queen Bee and attract the Wannabes. Stand still long enough to be found. If you really want to stop being an Alpha Female and you're in LA, take one of my workshops for Alpha Females. Otherwise, get some coaching. Call me at 310.394.2647.

Q: I was wondering if you have any advice for me on getting cheated on. My boyfriend was going out on me and he lied. Should I confront him? I feel so stupid. Should I get even? What should I do? -Cheated On

Dear Cheated On,
If you know that he cheated on you, then you definitely need to talk with him. You noticed that I used the word talk and not confront. Confrontation usually meets with confrontation and doesn't resolve anything. It only creates more anger and resentment. You'll do the attacking and he'll feel attacked. Great! Now you're both filled with emotion and you've resolved nothing.

Be a lady. Talk with him and tell him how you feel. Let him know that you only go out with men who cherish you and it's obvious that he doesn't, since he went out on you. Tell him that you feel betrayed, that he betrayed your trust, and you really don't know if you will be able to trust him again. The truth is that relationships are based on trust and if you two don't have trust you don't have a relationship. Therefore, you need to take a step back from this relationship. Either stop seeing him or cut way back until he proves to you that he is worthy of going out with you again.

Don't try to even. It's not worth it. It won't say much for you as a person. And besides, revenge is such a waste of time and energy. Rather than do that, move on to a man who will love and cherish you and who will be faithful.

Q: I am so in love with this guy but to me I think he doesn't even notice me! Maybe I am wrong. Is there anyway I can find out without being too forward? -Love from Afar in London
Dear Love from Afar in London,
Smile at him. Be friendly and flirt. Flirting is a way of letting someone know that you'd like to get to know him or her better. Put out the signals and wait to see if he picks up on them. If he does…keep putting out those signals. If not, then use those signals to attract someone else. Remember, men and women are like trains…another one will be along. If the train doesn't stop at your station…it's not your train.

Of course, if this guy is really shy and terrified of rejection, as many men are, be extra friendly and let him know that he won't be rejected by you. You can lead a horse to water but if he isn't thirsty, he isn't going to drink. If that's the case, put your lips together and just say, "Next!" Don't waste your time and your life loving anyone who doesn't love you. It only keeps you alone and separate. Plus it will only reinforce your belief that no one can or will love you. So, do you want to be right about not being lovable or do you want to have a relationship? The choice is yours. Let me know which you choose.

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