Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "I am attracted to roommate"

Q: I have this roommate. He and I are attracted to one another. We get along so well. He is very honest with me. He says he's not ready for a relationship because he's afraid that it will end up like the other ones in the past did. I know we already have a strike against us because we are living together. We both acknowledge that. One day we have such a good time together and then the next day he backs off a bit. It keeps happening. We have fun and get close then he backs up. It bothers me that he won't just give in and let himself enjoy this thing between us. It's like he gets freaked out so he pulls away just to remind me that hey I'm not ready for all that. --Nicole

Dear Nicole,
I absolutely love your honesty and directness. I applaud your courage to live your life full out and go for what you want. This is the deal. Your roommate (who by the way sounds like a really great guy), because he likes, respects and trusts you, is being totally honest and vulnerable with you. I'd believe him when he says he's not ready because his words and actions match.

It seems that the two of you are in different places right now. If I were you, I definitely would distract myself by going out and have some fun dating. I'd also find something to do so I wouldn't be as available. Besides, it makes you more attractive.

Or, you can choose to wait for him to catch up to where you are, if it's not too painful for you (it would be for me). If you're willing to wait, then continue to spend time together, just let go of the expectations. A man likes to be around a woman who make him feel good and who he feels comfortable with. This level of ease promotes trust on his part and he begins to rely on you, in a good way. Then he finds himself wanting to spend even more time with you. Remember that you're a queen bee. It's up to you to attract and magnetize men to you. Use your femininity to gladly receive what a man gives you, because if you demand more than he's ready and willing to give, then he's out the door.

But don't think you have to settle for what your roommate's giving you, if it's not enough or not what you want, then you always have the choice to walk away.

Q: How do I appear approachable? -- Red

Dear Red,
Great question. Be feminine. A fundamental aspect of being feminine is "being" receptive and open to life and men. Be open to a man looking at you. Smile at him, tilt your head or use your hand to toss your hair back as you make eye contact. Like going in for a landing, men look for some sign from a woman that it's safe to approach.

Authentic vulnerability and receptivity are both attractive and seductive to a man. And by being comfortable and natural in your own skin, you radiate an inner feminine glow that is a man magnet. That light brings out a man's "manly man" masculine traits. When a man is being masculine he is looking for and being drawn to a feminine woman to give him balance.

Be inviting and self-assured without pretensions. Let your attitude, demeanor and body language show that you like yourself and that you're a great person to get to know. With that vibe in your body and consciousness, you send out a clear message to guys inviting them to come get to know you.

Q: My boyfriend broke up with me over 2 months ago and I can't seem to move on, but he has. He told me he was falling in love with me and it scared him. I love him and I want to tell him, but I don't feel the time is right. I'm very sad and confused about the whole situation. Help! -- Trying to Move On

Dear Trying to Move On,
I know that you are going through a very difficult time and what I'm about to tell you may seem really harsh, but the fact of the matter is that the relationship is over because he's moved on. So there's nothing left to tell him. If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't let his fear get in the way. Men are goal oriented and programmed to go after their goals. When a man is clear about his goal, almost nothing stands in his way from going after it and achieving it. Don't think that your telling him that you love him will change his mind and get rid of his fear. It won't. He's just not ready for prime time or the majors.

I'm a little confused though. Was he aware of your love before he broke up with you? You said you want to tell him now, but did you communicate then when you were together? Or do you love him now because you're not with him any longer?

In any case, you need to start healing so you can move on. Here are several suggestions. First, write him a letter telling him exactly how you feel and how much you love him. Once you finish the letter, tear it up. Do not and I repeat, do not mail it. This exercise is to help you get your feelings out. Second, make a list of everything you learned about yourself and relationships from this relationship. What were the gifts? In other words, how are you a better person today for knowing this man? Third, do something absolutely wonderful for yourself every day for seven days straight. Take a bubble bath, get a make-over at a cosmetic counter, get a manicure and pedicure or have one of your girlfriend's do your nails and toes. Get some girlfriends together for a girl's night in. Do girl stuff - rent a chick flick, eat your favorite ice cream or chocolate (chocolate soothes a woman's soul), and commiserate together. Girlfriends are the best in times like these.

Now take on a new project (no, I'm not talking about a new man) that will help you build back your self-esteem and self-worth. Do something that captures your interest. Maybe that project is a new hobby or sport.

One of the best ways to make yourself feel better is to give of yourself. When you're giving to someone else, you don't have time to stay in your own pity party. Maybe do volunteer work with elderly women in a nursing home. You could visit a home and give some elderly women face make-overs. There is nothing more gratifying than making another woman feel beautiful, especially when she's old and not feeling particularly wanted. Right now you're young, but you're not feeling particularly wanted either.

Actively do some things to heal and you will heal and move on in your life.

Q: I met a guy online about 5 weeks ago. We met after one week. The date went well. We then talked on the phone frequently and went on another great date two weeks later. 1 week later he came over. He brought over a bottle of wine and we had a nice evening. The next day he called to invite me over to his house, but he couldn't reach me.

He works nights and I work days. Our nights off differ at time. So far we have had a few gentle kisses at the end of the evening. He said he wanted to go slow. He's divorced four yeas with a daughter. He tries to spend time with her as well. He is a gentleman and has a good sense of humor.

I know he is going slowly, but I would like him to make more confirmed dates. I would like to peak his interest a little more. I don't understand why he hasn't made another date with me. Today we spoke and he didn't spend a long time on the phone. He won't be off again for another week and it may not be convenient then to go out either. Should I be patient? It's just that it's going on 6 weeks and we have only had three live dates. -- Linda

Dear Linda,
The man is definitely interested but he's moving at his own snail pace. You can't rush him. He might feel pressured and back off. It sounds to me like he wants to take his time to get to know you and he's doing just that.

When he calls, make him feel great. That will make him want to call more. Let him know that you really enjoy talking to him. Laugh at his jokes. Tell him how funny he is, and that you like a man with a sense of humor. Whatever you say, make sure it's authentic. Let him know that you like his emails and that you also like to be courted in person.

Men like to be helpful. In fact, most men live to help women, if only women would let them. Anything you need help with??? I'm sure you can think of something. Then, next time he calls you, tell him that you would like his help with whatever. When he comes over, be your feminine self. Be open, vulnerable, receptive and charming. The more you make him feel admired, respected and appreciated, the more he is going to want to be with you. For more tips, see How Men Feel Loved

Do not give up your life waiting for this guy to call. Being busy but not too busy makes you attractive. Let him know you'd love to talk or see him, but you need some advanced notice if possible.

Q: Here's my problem. I am a 24-year-old woman who has never had an intimate relationship with a man or even a boyfriend. My whole life I have always had male friends and acquaintances that are strictly platonic. When I used to date (it's been 3 years since my last date), after the guy started to get to know me, we would end up being "buddies". I have had many people, male and female, say that I just don't have the kind of personality men find attractive. I consider myself average looking (a bit too short though- 5'1"), educated, funny, and overall nice to be around. However, all the men I know do not date nice, funny, sweet, cute, women. Should I accept the fact that I will never have a close relationship with a man, and move on? Or do you believe there is someone out there who will find me attractive. -- Never Had a Boyfriend

Dear Never Had a Boyfriend,
I absolutely believe there is at least one man, probably more than one who will find you attractive. I bet there are some guys right now who think you're quite attractive, but you can't see it. You're too busy listening to other people's opinion of you. Stop buying into that trash about your personality. It's just not true. You need to get comfortable with who you really are, gain some confidence, and stand in your feminine power.

I don't care that you've never had a boyfriend. That's yesterday's news. Let's talk about today and tomorrow. There are many men who would die for a date with a real woman -- a woman who is authentic, nice, funny, sweet and cute. I can't tell you how many guys write to me telling me that the characteristics you've used to describe yourself are what they are looking for in a woman. You just haven't met those guys yet. However, if you keep telling yourself that you won't ever meet them, then you won't. With a negative attitude, you wouldn't even recognize if a guy started flirting with you.

We need to change that negative attitude and here's how. Dump anyone who tells you you're not good enough or have enough personality to date. You need supportive, nurturing people around you to help bring you out. Ask your guy and gal friends for specific constructive suggestions of how you can improve your social and relationship skills. Learn to play up your assets girlfriend. Your problem is that you don't know what you have.

Start by developing some warm and fuzzy feelings about yourself. Make a list of what is great about you and then ask your closest friends to make a list. Compare the lists. You say you're nice. I bet you're a great listener. Want to become a great conversationalist? Here's how. Ask people or your dates open-ended questions about themselves and their interests. Then let them talk about their favorite subjects -- which is usually themselves. Occasionally during the conversation, acknowledge and reinforce them to let them know you're listening. Men love to talk about themselves. And a man loves it when a woman admires, respects, and appreciates what he says or when she make a big deal about what he does. You're educated, so I'm sure you can engage in conversation and be engaging.

You're probably a little shy, so you need to practice your people skills. The more comfortable you feel in your own skin, the more comfortable and open you'll feel with other people. And dating will get easier. You may want to consider getting some relationship coaching to help you navigate through the dating trenches.

With a little practice and a little help, I think you're going to blossom. For your information, I'm only 5'2'. I think I'm tall enough. After all, my feet hit the ground.

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