Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "I always attract guys with problems"

Q: I met a guy on-line and we have been exchanging emails and telephone calls for a couple of months. Last week we met in person and we really hit it off. At the end of the evening told me to call him when I got home to make sure I arrived ok. We told each other at the end of the night that we had a good time, but didn't mention any future plans. It's only been 2 days, should I begin to think that he was just saying what I wanted to hear? Also, for future reference, is it ok for girls to call the guys a couple of days after the date? Or is this coming across as being too forward? I did call and leave a message when I got home saying that I had a nice time and will talk to him soon.- Should I Call Him

Dear Should I Call Him,
He sounds like a nice guy. It was considerate of him to ask you to call him when you got home. It's not okay for a queen bee to initiate a call a guy, though. Remember, it's a man's job to pursue a woman. It's your job to let him chase you and catch you. As to whether he was just telling you what you wanted to hear, today I ran out of my ESP pills. Only time and his actions will tell. In the meantime, follow my rules and no waiting by the phone. Get on with your life.

Q: I have a major problem. It seems like I have a hard time finding Mr. Right. I don't know if I expect too much, if it's me or if a relationship is even possible.-- Difficulty Finding Mr. Right

Dear Difficulty Finding Mr. Right,
I don't know what you expect, but I will tell you that it is indeed possible to have a wonderful and healthy relationship. Is it you? Yes. Who else should be responsible for your love life? I suggest that you take one of my teleclasses that will help you attract Mr. Right.

Take my class called What Men Want.
The next free introduction class is Tuesday, January 16, from 9-10 pm Eastern Time.

If you want to learn how to change your dating behavior, take my three-week class that identifies specifically what you are doing wrong and what you should be doing to attract Mr. Right. The class begins January 18, 2001 from 9-10 pm Eastern Time. If you want to take the class, send me an email

Q: I'm eighteen years old and I have been dating 22-year-old Paul, for around 3 years now. About four months ago, he broke up with me after a few fights and his move to another city (20 minutes away). After I had humiliated myself by nearly begging him to try and work things out, I gave up and stopped calling him. Then he started calling me in a friendly mature manner that led to dinner, movies and then we made up and things were wonderful again…until the dreaded talk.

I told him I loved and that I wanted him to be my boyfriend. He responded by saying that he's happy with the way things are going. Then the big ouchie- I said, " Paul, nothing changes between us except a new label. It makes me upset to think that I'm sleeping with you and you are not exactly my boyfriend." He said, " Then maybe until this whole thing is figured out, we shouldn't be intimate with each other." And that really made me mad, but all I said was "Whatever." I felt low, rejected, incomplete and over all crappy.

He called the next day. We went out the following weekend to a movie. The whole time there was an awkwardness that I hated, and when he dropped me off, I cried myself to sleep. I was so upset that there was no talk of our relationship, and I felt the whole time that I wanted to be strong and not seem like a downer, I was certainly not going to bring it up once again. What is going on? -Wanted Him to be my Boyfriend

Dear Wanted Him to be my Boyfriend,
You pushed him for an answer and he gave you one. You just didn't like the answer he gave you. I don't blame you for being upset, I would be too. But you can't take back what you said and did. That's already in the past. What you can do now is stop the instant replay tape that's constantly going on in your head by forgiving yourself for pushing him. You made a mistake. Okay, now learn from it and start living in the present.

You told Paul that you didn't want to sleep with a man who wasn't your boyfriend, and so he listened, respected your wishes, and supported you in that. What a gem of a guy. But you couldn't hear what he said or appreciate him for saying it. All you could think of was that his response didn't fit your script of what was supposed to happen.

You can't control someone else's behavior. You can only control yours. Your moods and how you feel should not be determined by what Paul does or doesn't do as that puts a lot of pressure and responsibility on him. Take some responsibility for your part. If Paul isn't giving you want you want, you have two choices, stay or go. If it were I, I would stay. Paul really sounds like a gem who cares a great deal about you and wants to make you happy. Plus, he's willing to be emotionally intimate. But if you don't lighten up, you're going to screw up this relationship.

Q: My ex is ignoring me and my best friend is sending him love cards! Help! I'm getting so annoyed because she told me that she only thought of him as a friend. I'm just hoping she didn't mean a boyfriend. What should I do to get back at him - Wanting Revenge

Dear Wanting Revenge,
You must be really angry to want revenge. When it comes to revenge, the only person you're going to hurt is yourself. Anger is not an attractive quality. Maybe that's why there are no perfumes called Anger, Resentment, or Fear.

He's no longer your boyfriend, let him go. There's no benefit to holding on to that anger, it will only make you sick. Why are you annoyed with your best friend? You ex is a free agent. Either you still have feelings for him or you're selfish and don't want him to be happy. My suggestion is to take up jogging or kick boxing and get rid of some of that misplaced energy.

Q: I'm 14 soon to be 15 in Feb. I'm dating this guy that just turned 21. We have been going together for 8 months we are together when we can. We love each other for sure but I'm confused about something, I want to tell my mom everything but I'm afraid she is going to freak. What should I do? I know he is being faithful and he is the one.- Fourteen Dating a Twenty-One Year Old

Dear Fourteen Dating a Twenty-One Year Old,
I know you love him or think you do, but he's way too old for you. I don't care how mature you are or how immature he is, there's a huge difference in your life experiences. And that gap is just too great at this time in your life. He's a man and you're still a girl. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I can't imagine what a 21-year-old man could possibly have in common with a 14 or almost 15-year-old girl.

Talk with your mom and tell her everything. Frame your mother-daughter conversation by saying that you're talking with her because you need her advice, and you don't want her to make you wrong. You're confused and you need your mother's help. That's what moms are for. And believe me, your mom was once a fourteen-year-old girl. Thanks for writing to me. Let me know what happens after you talk with your mother.

Q: I got out of a long-term relationship (my first) with a married man (who at first was separated.) He was controlling and manipulative. In fact, he is stalking me now that I've managed to break free. Just before New Year's, I met someone else who is 10 years older, single and successful. I'm very attracted. But I was waiting for that answer to my needling question in my head, "okay, so he is handsome and successful, why isn't he married?" Well, to his credit, on our second date he told me he suffers from severe, chronic depression. I'm thinking that maybe I should run like hell, like I should have done with my first boyfriend when he told me he was separated. I'm attractive, athletic and know I have plenty of opportunity out there, but I'd like to pursue this relationship--he is the first guy (and I've met many) who I am truly attracted to. Any advice on how to proceed? Would you recommend ending this courtship? Could I be this unlucky that I always attract guys with problems?-Always Attract Guys with Problems

Dear Always Attract Guys with Problems,
A fisherman who is smart discerns a good fish from a bad fish. A good fisherman throws back the fish he doesn't want. Maybe you should take up fishing and put your dating life on hold for a while. In other words, just because you attract someone doesn't mean you have to keep him. Lots of women attract those same kind of guys and make a decision whether to pass or play. The difference is that emotionally healthy women who no longer want high drama in their lives, make a conscious decision to pass on those kind of men.

There is something called the Law of Attraction. When you are no longer interested in high drama, you'll stop attracting it and those kind of men into your life, because you'll no longer have a need for that kind of adrenalin rush. In fact, you'll find yourself content and even happy to be with a man and in a relationship that doesn't require such drama. Life without high drama is quite wonderful and fulfilling.

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