Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "How do you ask a girl out?"

Q: I have just started dating a guy who works every single day, even on his day off. He calls me on a regular basis and is or seems to be a real gentleman. I am worried though that getting to know him is going to be much harder when he never takes a day off. What should I do to keep the relationship alive? Is this a pointless attempt to get with him?- Dating a Workaholic

Dear Dating a Workaholic,
If he works every day, when do the two of you have time to go out? And when you do go out, does he talk about anything other than work? If the answer is yes, then maybe there is hope for this relationship to happen. It could be that he is a workaholic because before you, he had nothing else going on in his life.

When you go out, talk about your goals and what you want out of life. See if he's on the same page. If you are, then perhaps you can start writing the book together. As for keeping the relationship alive, it takes two to dance the dance of love.

Q: I have been dating this guy for about a month. I think that I am the only girl he is seeing based on his mannerisms and things he says, but I am not positive and I don't want to make any assumptions. Should I directly ask him, or let the relationship take its course? Am I His Only Girl

Dear Am I the Only Girl,
It seems to me that your relationship is pretty new. It's only been one month, or four weeks, or 30 days. No matter how you add it up, it's not very long. You're still getting to know each other. Don't rush anything - and that includes having sex. Spend some time establishing a friendship; build some emotional intimacy; create some emotional bonds.

In other words, give the relationship a chance. There's something really special about the beginning of a relationship. Why would you want to miss it due to some insecurity? When the time is right and he wants to let you know that you are his "it" girl, believe me, he'll let you know. In the meantime, even if you feel that he is your "it" guy, keep going out with other men. That will do three things for you: 1. Make you less available which means you won't be waiting around for him 2. Make you more interesting, desirable, and attractive to him (for some strange reason, we all want what everyone else wants - usually not because we really want it but because someone else does) 3. Give you the opportunity to decide if "you" want to be in a committed relationship with him.

The short answer to you question is, keep your mouth and your legs closed. Let the relationship run its course. Relationships are made up of three parts - passion, emotional intimacy and commitment. The best relationships I know happen in that sequence. Often, when two people jump into a commitment without actually taking the time to establish real intimacy, resentment toward their partner comes (usually rather quickly) once they "discover" that their partner hasn't become the person they wanted him or her to become.

Time together creates "real moments" of shared experiences; establishes trust; creates the permission to remove the masks that we all wear to protect ourselves, allows us to open our hearts and take the other person in - flaws and all. Time together gives two people the opportunity to get to know each other in a very special way so that the two people no longer always have to be perfect and, as a result, the relationship doesn't always have to be perfect either. It's not that you're settling for each other but rather, both of you have gotten past your own and each other's imperfections. Once both of you do that, you become real and totally authentic with each other and, that's when you see whether this is the person you want to be in a committed relationship with. Good luck.

Q: I read in your previous archives that you weren't too keen on too large age gap relationships... My girlfriend and I have a seven-year age gap. I am 22 and she's 15. She's really great and sweet and we really love each other a lot. There are only problems. 1. She really love to eat and she's putting on some weight 2. She is rather hot tempered. How can I let her know how I feel without making things worse? - Big Age Gap

Dear Big Age Gap,
I don't know where you live, but in the U.S. your girlfriend is in 9th grade and you're old enough to be a college graduate. She is considered a minor (in other words jail bait). When two responsible adults are in a relationship the large age gap doesn't necessarily create a problem. However, in this case, you're dating a child. There is just too large an age gap. The two of you are in different places in your life. If you really care about her, let her grow up. Stop seeing each other until she starts college, or at least, until she graduates high school and is in the working world. If the two of you still can't live without each other at that time, then start dating again. Right now you're just not at the same maturity level and you couldn't possibly have a lot in common. You've lived so much more life than she has. Let her go and grow on her own.

Now to answer your question, which is the reason you wrote to me, the reason that many people overeat is to experience a sense of fullness that they don't normally feel in their life. Food can be a substitute for what's missing in her life; she could be stuffing her emotions by eating; she could be protecting herself with food; she could be unhappy and may not like herself; or perhaps she hasn't learned how to say "no" to food.

Based on her eating behavior and temper, it sounds to me like she's going through "some teenage stuff" right now and is not a happy camper. Now that you're an adult, I don't know if you remember how difficult the teenage years can be; just how many pressures a teenager may have to deal with on a daily basis. If you really care about her, encourage her to talk with her mom and dad, or if that's not plausible, then help her find a counselor who can help her work through her food and anger issues. Once you've done that, make another date with her. And that date is, in three years, when's she's out of school.

Q: How do you ask a girl out that you don't know very well yet but would like to get to know her better?-Want to Ask Her Out

Dear Want to Ask Her Out,
The way to ask a girl out is to either do it in person or call her on the phone and say, " You know what? I'd really like to get to know you better. Would you like to go out on Saturday night or Sunday afternoon?

The best way to ask a girl out is to ask her out. She will either say "yes" or she will say "no." But you will never know unless you ask her. It takes courage to live your life. Those who really live their life are those who dare to take risks. But only those who risk are able to reap the rewards. So I say, "Go for it!" Dare to find out if she's the gal for you. You'll only know by getting to know her.

Here are three of my best dating advice tips:

You only date and love those who love you
Don't take anything personally - no matter what your date or partner does.
Even though you think it's about you, it's not. It's really about them. It's only about you if you make it about you. My advice is don't make it about you.
Don't make assumptions. Unless you have taken your daily ESP pills, don't assume you know what the other person is thinking. The only way you will even know is to open your mouth and ask. The skill in communication comes from "knowing" how to ask.

Good luck. Let me know how it turns out. I'm rooting for you.

Q: I've had a crush on this guy for a few months. A couple months ago I casually asked him to come skating with me and I met some of his friends and had an okay time. We talk a bit in the halls when we see each other and at a recent dance he came up to me and we danced a bit. This semester we don't have any classes together so this seems to be as far as things are going. I'm pretty sure it's just a normal crush, but recently I haven't been able to stop thinking about him, even while I'm sleeping! Things have got to pick up! Any ideas?- I Got It Bad

Dear I Got It Bad,
I know how hard a crush can be. Some people just have "that power" to sweep us off our feet and make our hearts go pitter-patter. There's not much you can do, except chase him and that won't be very satisfying. Believe me, I know. I've been down that road before. You really don't want to go there.

For now, have your feelings and, at the same time, let the whole situation go by focusing on something else. How about doing some volunteer work in your community or at your Church or Temple to help you take your mind off of him?

Here's one tip that can apply to virtually anything in your life: When you try to run/chase after something or someone, he/she/it usually runs away. (just like a butterfly, a dog or a cat) It eludes or escapes you because you need it so badly. You then become needy and desperate. Those are not very attractive traits. Instead, let it go. If it's meant to me, it will come to you because you will attract it. I'm not suggesting that you "do nothing," but rather, that you create an intention, which in this case is for the two of you to run into each other, see each other and spend some time together (maybe that looks like a date). Pay attention to all possible opportunities of running into him in outside activities, the library, etc. (But don't obsess and don't stalk.)

Now that you've set your intention and you're paying attention to what's happening to and around you, then just let go of the whole situation because there's nothing else you can do. And remember - if it's suppose to happen…it will…in it's own time…not on your time schedule. And if it's not supposed to happen, no matter what you do to try and make it happen-it won't work. And even if it does, it may not work out the way you wanted it to.

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