Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "How do I get a pretty girl to like me?"

Q: I have read all of your letters & adore your advice. I have been "seeing" someone for 5 months. When I first saw him, there was an immediate attraction. We went out and he started calling me daily. He never asked me out for the weekends. After a few weeks, I talked with him about that issue. From the start, I should inform you, he told me that he didn't want anything serious right now. However, as the weeks past, he would invite me to family gatherings and we saw each other weekly. Two months after this began, I was unable to handle the weekend deal and his overall inability to express any emotions. We had a talk and I ended it. He couldn't give me what I needed. He called me 2 days later, said he missed me and that he wanted to make things better. Honestly, there were no changes but because I really cared about him, I weakened and took him back. This on / off relationship has been going on for 5 months.

Every month, when I begin to feel like things are not right, I end it. I ended it 4 more times since the first. This past time, I had it. I sat him down and explained how I deserve more than this. He expressed some fears about commitments but told me that he saw a future with us; that I was everything he would ever want. He just couldn't handle it now. We both cried and I left. He called. I hung up on him. He called again, I cried and asked him please not to call me. He called and again I broke down. I am sure that I am allowing him to act this way but I don't understand. I believe that he cares about me but why can't he commit. I have NEVER been this way. I am a confident 26 year old, intelligent, attractive, talented, female. I own my own home and have enough family and friends who love me, but this "lack of" a relationship has made me feel inadequate and I am constantly obsessing over him. I leave him messages and write to him in hopes that something will make a difference. It feels pathetic and I hate that. I am completely at a loss for how to deal with this. I am not sure why he won't let me go and even more unsure as to what I am fighting for. I only know that I care about him more than I have ever cared about anyone.- I'm Not Happy

Dear I'm Not Happy,
I can understand why you've unhappy. You're being a yo-yo and someone else is pulling the string. Stop it. Take back your power and start building back up your self-respect. The way to do that is to start being proactive again by taking care of yourself, nurturing yourself, and by being responsible for your own happiness. You're not happy with yourself and your confidence is going in a downward spiral because you desperately want something from this man that he doesn't want to give you - a commitment. He sounds to me like he is commitment phobic and there's nothing you can do about it. You two are just not on the same commitment page. If you're not getting what you want out of this relationship move on. You want to know how to deal with this? Cut all ties. Get an unlisted phone number or block your phone number and email, so that he can't contact you. Don't contact him and don't play his game. You see, it takes two to play the game and if you're not a willing player, then he will either have to play a different game or take his marbles somewhere else.

Q: How do I get a pretty girl to like me? I need answers please!- I Want a Pretty Girl

Dear I Want a Pretty Girl,
Is she pretty on the inside or out? You didn't specify. But let me ask you this question. When you get a present, are you more interested in the wrapping or what's inside?

Q: I been seeing someone that I love very much for the past 3 years. But sometimes, I'm not sure about this relationship. So much has happened. He has lied so many times. He first lied about where he lived, and then about getting married, now he's separated. Every time I decide to leave him, he comes back yet he says this isn't a serious relationship and he needs time. I'm more than willing to leave. Every time I think its over, he comes back. I do help him with his business but would he have stayed all this time only for business? This time we haven't talked in 2 weeks. I guess it's finally over. What should I do?- He Keeps Lying

Dear He Keeps Lying,
Here's what you should do. Go out and celebrate the fact that you have finally been hit by a cosmic two by four because you now finally realized that it's over. This relationship has been over for a long time, but because you wanted it so much, you wore blinders. Thank goodness you've taken the blinders off. Now walk out the door, close it and don't look back.

Q: I have recently started talking to a friend that I haven't seen in some time. I am interested in dating her but am afraid that she isn't interested in me in the way I am in her. What's a fella to do?- Confused Soul

Dear Confused Soul,
Is she seeing someone else at the moment? If not, tell her that you're glad you two connected again and that you would be interested in dating her. Honesty can be so attractive. She should appreciate and respect your courage for your willingness to risk. If she does, that's great. If not, you'll know and then it's time to move on. Remember two important points in dating. Don't take anything personally - so if she doesn't want to date you - it's not about you- it's about her. And, don't make assumptions. You never know what another person is thinking until you ask that person.

Of course, if you've taken your ESP pills every day for the last twenty years, then maybe you'll intuitively know what she thinks, but then again, women are allowed to change their minds. But there is a quid pro quo - men are allowed to change their minds as well. So the truth is, you'll never know unless you ask. That's why it's never a good idea to make assumptions.

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