Q: Do I have to give up me in order to be loved by you?
No. Even though you think you're in love, you're not. You're suffering from the disease to please. The symptoms of this deadly disease are: you'll do anything to have someone love you and the word doormat in neon letters miraculously appears on your forehead. You not only let your partner walk all over you, you give him or her your permission. Despite what you think, giving up who are in the name of love is not love. It's called acting. And like all actors who, when they think they have given the performance of a lifetime, don't win the Oscar, become resentful. You'll only wind up resenting yourself and your partner. If your partner can't handle the real you, practice these words. Repeat after me, "next!"
Q: All my relationships seem to be messy.
Become a self-cleaning oven. There is something in the universe called the law of attraction. Clean up your act and you'll start attracting healthy partners and loving relationships.
Q: At the end of our first date, we both told each other that we had a good time, but we didn't make any future plans. It's only been two days, should I begin to think that he was just saying what I wanted to hear?? I did call and leave a message when I got home saying that I had a nice time and will talk to him soon. Is it okay for a girl to call the guy a couple of days after the date?
Next time wait for him to call you and tell you what a nice time he had. During that call, you can also let him know that you had a great time. Remember, the girl chooses the guy, based on the number of guys she attracts. So, if he wants to get chosen by you, he needs to call. The answer is N-O. You don't call. I don't care if this is 2001. Regarding, what's going on in his mind and whether he's going to call, I'm all out of my ESP pills. I can't predict the future, but I'll tell you this much, if you wait by the phone - you won't have a life and then no one will ask you out. And if you call him, you'll never know if he would have called you. Plus you've broken one of the cardinal rules of being a queen bee.
Q: My girlfriend and I recently broke up. She said I was smothering her and, that in jumping into bed too soon we had sed themis best buddies stage. Then she gave me her list of dating dos and don'ts for the relationship, including no sex and don't call as often. I felt like I would end up being strung along on a leash always wanting to be close to her. I don't like her terms. I did call on Christmas and told her, if she wanted to get back together, she would have to call me. Did I do the right thing?
I take it communication and negotiation weren't part of your relationship. Successful relationships are based on learning these two skills and using them. Any time two separate people come together, there has to be give and take in order for the relationship to be satisfying for both people. Remember, the person who loves or cares the least, controls the relationship. In choosing a partner, I much prefer having a collaborator over a dictator.
Q: On our second date we didn't have sex but we engaged in extreme foreplay. He wants to see me again. What do I do about our future dates? I want to gain his respect and have a relationship.
Talk to him. Be open, honest, vulnerable and share your feelings with him. Tell him that you don't feel comfortable with what happened and that things are moving too fast. You'd like to spend some time getting to know him, not his body. On your future dates, this is what you do, open your mouth, open your heart, and keep your legs crossed and your body off limits. Sometimes passion happens and momentarily kills our brain cells. Remember dating can cause temporary insanity and make you lose perspective. So, now that you know you can be more conscious.
Q: How do I flirt and let a guy know I'm interested; that I would like to get to know him better?
Be approachable and look like you are approachable. Don't just be approachable in your mind and heart. Most men are visual. You have to give them clues, just in case they forgot to take their ESP pills that day. This is what you do. Look at him, smile, and be inviting. Be authentic and for real. Guys always have their trolling for women radar on to see if they are in friendly or enemy territory.
Q: I'm torn between two guys. The man I am seeing now is wonderful and treats me like gold. I am developing feelings for him. However, I'm still crazy about the guy I used to date even though he is not emotionally available and won't be ready for anything long-term for some time. I've tried listening to my heart, but it keeps waffling. What do I do?
Why would you want to be with someone who isn't available? (Perhaps so you can keep chasing after love? Or, perhaps so you can be right about yourself, that you're not worthy of being loved so you'll never find someone to love you. A man who isn't available isn't going to love you.) Remember, golden rule of dating - you only love those who love you. What do you want? A boyfriend and a real relationship or a pet project?
Q: I have a major problem. It seems that I have a hard time finding Mr. Right. I don't know if I expect too much, or whether it's me, or if it is even possible to find someone.
So you want to find Mr. Right. First of all queen bees don't find men - they attract them. It's a guy's job to find women. Stop doing a man's job of finding and starting doing your job which is to attract them. Second of all, get rid of the long laundry list. Decide what are your primary dealmakers and what are your dealbreakers. Then start trusting that the right ones will show up in your life. However, in order to trust, you have to believe that you deserve to have a great guy. If you don't believe you deserve Mr. Right, you'll keep attracting Mr. Wrongs.
You see, you get what you believe - not what you wish or want but what you "truly" believe. Where you are in your life is the result of your beliefs. Look at your beliefs because they put you there. I'm not telling you to settle for anyone. But picky people are hard to please. You pickiness keeps you alone. It stops you from having to be in a relationship and let's you be right - that there's something wrong with you, that there are no more great men left, and that you'll never find Mr. Right. So here's the challenge. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
Q: My boyfriend left me a "Dear Jane" letter on Christmas Eve day. I had left him sleeping to go to the grocery store to buy food for Christmas dinner and when I returned, he was gone and a note was left in his place in the bed. I am horribly upset and am trying to make sense of it all. I am trying to figure out whether his feelings had changed or the discussion the night before had pushed him over the edge. Am I nuts for wanting to pursue a relationship with someone who could leave me like that?
Real men stay and talk things out. Those with no cojones write letters and run away. You have to ask yourself, why would you want someone like this? Someone who would never be there for you when the going gets rough. I'll give you the answer, because you don't think enough of yourself; because that's all you think you deserve.
This guy really gave you a gift by walking out. The gift was the opportunity to value yourself enough to start making better choices in men, and to stop trying to fix relationships that aren't worth fixing.
Q: He says I don't turn him on anymore, but that I am still sexy and the sex is good. What does he mean? It's confusing.
Don't try to figure him out or what he says, just stop sleeping with him. The sex may be good but the relationship is not. A man with any integrity doesn't continue to sleep with a woman after he tells her she doesn't turn him on anymore. And, any woman with any brains or self-respect would refuse to be a doormat or should I say sexmat. Do you want to be in a relationship with a man where the passion is one sided?
Q: This is a pretty dumb question. I feel stupid, but I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he's never got me to reach an orgasm. How can he get me to reach climax?
There are no dumb questions and you shouldn't feel stupid. Many women never climax and they just accept it. I commend you for your courage to be proactive and for your desire to want to be fulfilled. For the best advice, contact a sex therapist who has been trained in this area.
Q: I'm a 15-year-old male. I just started dating this 16-year-old girl. We talked all the time before we went out. Now that we are going out I feel very uncomfortable with myself because I get really shy when I'm with her. I really love this girl and she means everything to me and I don't want to lose her. Why do I get so shy around the girl of my dreams and how can I change my ways so I can open up and be very talkative with her? I want to be the best boyfriend I can be to her.
I think it took a lot of courage to write this letter. Your girlfriend is very lucky to have you as her boyfriend. I know many girls and women who wished their boyfriend cared enough about them to want to be the best boyfriend they could be. So you're already ahead of the game. The reason you get so shy is because you're afraid that you're going to make a mistake and do something that will cause your girlfriend to reject you. Being rejected is a guy's worst nightmare.
When you two were just friends, you didn't have a lot at stake. You didn't worry if she liked you or accepted you for who you are. You could be comfortable in your own skin and with her. It was okay to be yourself. But now that you're boyfriend and girlfriend, you think you have to be different; that who you are isn't good enough anymore. Here's a secret. She liked you as a friend, that's why she chose you for her boyfriend. The way to be the best boyfriend you can be is by cherishing her, making her feel special, communicating with her, listening to her and by being your authentic self.
When you're with her, stay focused on the idea that she's not only your girlfriend but also your best friend. Best friends have a special relationship. They trust each other, feel safe with each other, and know that no matter what happens, their best friend accepts them for who they are.
Relationships get screwed up when people start pretending to be someone they aren't. Healthy relationships are created as the result of two people taking a risk to be their authentic selves. In your case, a way to be more relaxed around your girlfriend is to make dates around activities that you both enjoy, such as sports, hobbies, and movies.