Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "How can I make this girl like me if she doesn't"

Q: I've been seeing the most wonderful man for the past 3 months. We've been serious from the start. He pursued me and wanted to date me exclusively. I agreed. Everything was fine. We never argued, always had a great time together, etc. Last night he came over to my place and told me that he's decided that he "doesn't want to be in a relationship right now." He couldn't give me any other answer. I'm heart-broken and very confused. Did I do something wrong? Did I not do something at all? --Confused and Heart-Broken

Dear Confused and Heart-Broken,
First of all let me say this loud and clear, "YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!" There is NADA, NOTHING WRONG with you. I'm telling you, don't take his actions and words personally. They aren't about you. They're about him and where he is in his life. He's telling you the truth. He doesn't want a relationship now. Believe him. At least you know he truly valued and respected you, and that he cared enough about you to have the courage to tell you the truth. Give him real man points for that!

Most women, including myself, have made the fatal mistake of thinking that it was something we did or didn't do that caused "him" not to want to be with us. If only I had.... (fill in the blank). If only I was more...(fill in the blank). Let me tell you. Who you are is enough and how you act is enough, and some guy will appreciate it.

We, as women, always take things personally. We think it's our fault that "he" doesn't want to be in a relationship. Well, it's not your fault and it's not your job to figure out why he doesn't want what you want. You'll never know and maybe, at this time, he doesn't even know the reason.

Maybe he's just scared. Maybe he's commitment phobic. Maybe he thinks he's not good enough for you. Maybe he thinks he's too good for you. Maybe he just wants to go in his cave for a while and he'll be back when he feels it's safe to come out. Maybe...maybe...maybe... You can drive yourself crazy with all the maybes.

Just don't stop being your wonderful self -- the woman he pursued and fell in love with. Whatever you do, don't chase after him. Don't call him. Don't do anything that is going to erode your self-esteem even more. I know this is a painful time. But now is the time to build yourself back up. Do something nice for yourself and remember, you are the Queen Bee. Your job is to attract men. And from the men you attract, you get to choose the one you want.

Remember these dating words of wisdom, Living well is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you. See Sweet Talk

Q: How can I make this girl like me if she doesn't, even though she knows that I like her a lot -- Want to Be Liked

Dear Want to Be Liked,
As hard as this is to believe, you can't make someone like you. So stop trying and move on. Remember cardinal rule of dating: love only those who love you. Don't even think there's anything wrong with you because there isn't. The only problem you have is that you're wasting your time on a girl who isn't available. Stop it. She's not the only girl on the planet. There really are other girls out there who will like you, but you've got to be available. Happy trolling.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 months. The past three months have been just terrible! We usually get along during the week, but when the weekend rolls around it's just a nightmare! We fight over something stupid. So then we break up and I move out. I always blame it on the fact that I've got female problems dealing with my hormones or that he's just changed jobs. We love each other so much. But why can't we get along on the weekends? Right now we're broken up and are trying to figure out a way to make it work. Any suggestions? --Broken Heart

Dear Broken Heart,
The reason you two get along during the week is because you're both so busy with your own lives, that you two don't have the time to really be with each other. Come the weekend there's nothing to run interference between you, so the two of you create problems. You need to create some emotional intimacy and a commitment to the relationship(see Love-o-meter). If you love each other, be with your feelings and fears and communicate them to each other, instead of retreating. Establishing emotional intimacy builds a bond. Could it also be that one or both of you are just a wee bit commitment phobic? Let me know how these suggestions help. If they do work, even a little to forward the relationship, then I would suggest some couples counseling with someone who is familiar with these specific kinds of issues.

Q: I had dated this guy for a year and then we broke up. Once he started dating other women, I realized how much I liked him. When he and his girlfriend broke up, he came back to me and we got back together. Now I realize that he was just playing games with me. I really like him. His friends say that he does have feelings for me but that he just doesn't want to get hurt again. We are now dating again but I don't know if it is just one of his games or what! What should I do?--No Games

Dear No Games,
First of all, it takes two to play the game. He can't play the game alone. Second, check in with yourself to make sure that you really are available to this man, that you're not playing a game with him. Do you know the game I'm talking about? It's called the "I like you, I really like you when you're not available" game. Third, you're dating him, not his friends, so it doesn't matter what they say. It only matters what he says to you. My advice is to believe him. He doesn't want to get hurt again and neither do you. You are both operating from fear and fear won't create a healthy relationship. Trust is the cornerstone to any successful relationship. You need to learn how to trust each other again if you want this relationship to work. Trust doesn't happen over night. It is the result of both of you keeping your word to each other and doing what you say you're going to do. Over time, your partner will come to see and expect that he can depend on you and trust that you won't hurt him again.

Both of you need to honestly communicate your feelings, your fears about each other and the relationship and, voice your expectations from the relationship. Then you'll both know if you're on the same page. The key to any successful relationship is knowing what each person wants from the relationship and then giving it to them. In a sentence, it's meeting and surpassing their expectations.

Q: I've been dating this older man that I am completely infatuated with. He gives me the chase that I thrive for. He'll call me one day and be totally into me, then I won't hear from him for weeks. My feelings aren't fading, they are getting stronger. I don't want to call him because I want him to think I have better things to do. Plus, if he wanted to talk with me, he'd call me. Should I give up? If so, how do I get over him? -- Infatuated

Dear No Games,
There's nothing to get over but the drama. It seems to me that you're more into the thrill, the chase, the roller coaster ride and high drama than into him. Infatuated means aroused and turned on by. That is exactly your fascination with this man's behavior toward you. Here's a tip. He can only treat you this way because you continue to let him. If you don't want to be treated this way anymore, then don't call him and don't see him when he calls you.

Q: I've been seeing this man for a month. He's really nice but he sends me three, sometimes four greeting e-cards a day, every day. I don't have time to read all his e-cards and his e-mails. I'm flattered that he's thinking of me and I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I want him to stop sending all those e-mails. I've already told him that I get way too much e-mail on a daily basis and don't have the time to get through it all. What should I do? --Over E-mailed

Dear Over E-mailed,
First of all, does this guy have a life? Sending multiple cards and emails is excessive, to say the least. This kind of behavior is usually indicative of neediness and obsessive behavior. And he doesn't seem to listen very well, either. Are you sure you want to continue dating him? After all, men and women are like trains-another one will be along in a few minutes. However, if you still do want to date him, then be more direct in your communication with him. You won't hurt his feelings if you remember to stay feminine. Tell him that you appreciate his thinking about you, but that less is more. One of anything is so much more valuable than a dozen-that is unless they're diamonds.

Q: When you meet someone online, what's appropriate for a first date? I don't want to appear cheap, but I don't want to take every woman out for dinner on a first date. -- First Date Offline

Dear First Date Offline,
My motto is: for the first date don't commit to anything longer than 20 minutes sight unseen. There's a huge difference between dating online and finally being up close and personal. Within 20 minutes you know if there's a connection. Meet for a glass of wine or a cappuccino. If the date is going well, then break bread together. Don't make the mistake of over committing yourself. I can't tell you how many dinner dates I wanted over after the appetizers. Not only did I have to sit through a meal, sometimes my date would even order coffee and dessert.

If a woman says you're cheap because you suggest a drink and not a meal, tell her (in a nice way of course) that there must be some kind of miscommunication because you thought she was interested in meeting you and not just a meal ticket. Remember that it's the guy who decides where to go on the date, and that a gentleman always picks up the tab.

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