Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "He's Divorced I've Never Married"

Q: I just got back from vacation yesterday. Last year I met this girl and we have kept in touch. Since she is at the same timeshare, we saw each other. I am starting to like her a lot. I always have but I haven't had the guts to tell her. She lives three hours away. I really want to tell her how I feel but I don't know how she will react. I think she likes me too. I want to be in a relationship with her.-Afraid to Call

Dear Afraid to Call,
Where have you been for the last two months? With your head buried in the sand at your timeshare? Haven't you learned anything from the events of September 11th? All you have is right now. Ask yourself this question, do you want to wait for your life to start happening or do you want to start really living your life now?

Either buy a ticket and get on the roller coaster highway of life or be content sitting on the side of the road watching all the girls go by.

You can stay in your fear and keep pining away for her and do nothing but grow older and alone, or, you can take a risk and make the call. Don't make it heavy. You're not ready to start picking out china patterns together. Instead, when you call, tell her that you'd like to get to know her better and that you both have a lot in common. And then ask her out for Sunday brunch (that gives you time to get there and back if you're going to drive. If you both live in major cities, perhaps you could fly there for dinner.)

As for how she's going to react, you'll never know until you make the call. And I don't know because my crystal ball is in the shop being polished. So I guess you'll just have to call and find out for yourself. Here are some words of wisdom. Don't sound desperate whatever you do. And make up your mind ahead of time, before you make the call, that whatever happens you won't take it personally. And, don't make assumptions about what she is thinking or what she will think unless you have an advanced degree in mind reading.

I have a good feeling about this. Let me know how it turns out.

Q: I am dating this guy for about four months now. He recently told me that he was divorced. I thought all along he was single, never been married. I don't know what else he hasn't told me yet. Is it right to wait this long to tell someone about your marital status?

I have feelings for him and so does he. I'm not very experienced in the dating area and my parents don't know if I should continue this relationship due to fact that he's divorced and I've never been married. I'm also not sure what I will get myself into if I stay with him.-He's Divorced I've Never Married

Dear He's Divorced I've Never Married,
If divorce is against your religion or you really think divorced people are horrible, stupid and incapable of lasting love because they have made a mistake in their life, then don't go out with this man anymore. It's that simple. Just because a person is divorced, doesn't make him or her a bad person. I'm divorced and I'm a great person. The way you write about him being divorced and you being single, it's almost as if you really think you're both from different planets.

I want you to look at your relationship for a moment. In spite of the fact that you've never been married and he has the "D" stigma (according to you), you both have feelings for each other. He must be a nice guy. After all, you're seeing him. And I imagine that he cherishes you and treats you like the Queen Bee that you are.

Personally, I don't' think it's necessary for divorced men and women to wear a scarlet letter "D" on their clothing. You might think otherwise.

It seems to me that you have a lot of trust issues. I don't know if that's because you're young, don't have a lot of dating experience, or because you haven't worked on yourself and dealt with your issues. In any case, relationships always give you the opportunity to grow. They always bring up those issues that are uncomfortable for you.

I know, you wish your skeletons would stay in the closet. But they are out now, so you might as well deal with them. If you don't deal with your issues now, you will have to deal with them later. You might want to consider getting some help to learn how to deal with your trust issues.

Q: My girlfriend thinks I'm a complex and complicated guy. What should I do? She might break up with me.-Just Being A Guy

Dear Just Being A Guy,
Your girlfriend thinks you are complex and complicated because you're probably not paying enough attention to her. And, I'll bet you're not communicating with her, so she doesn't have clue what you're thinking and feeling. I'm not telling you to spill your guts, but I am suggesting that you open your ears and your mouth more.

Women and men think and feel differently. They therefore, often, have very different perspectives about the same incident or issue. They bring these perspectives to their relationship. Therefore, in order for your partner to understand you and "where you're coming from," it's important to share your perspective. Women are big on sharing. And men who want to be with awesome women, learn how to share too.

So what do you want? You want to just be a guy and be alone? or are you willing to share? That means you'll have to learn to share you with your girlfriend. It's your choices.

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