Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "he likes to talk about sex and his fantasies"

Q: What a fab site. I would love to know your opinion on my Valentine day story.

I met one guy at work. We do not really interact work wise, but he has been really sweet to me. We have been quite friendly for the last 3 months. Sort of having lunch one a week, occasional ride home or chatting by e-mail about life - friends. Shall I mention he is drop dead gorgeous and intelligent? I heard he was seeing some woman, but it was not serious. He hardly ever speaks of her to me.

On Valentine's Day I sent him a Yahoo card under a false name and from an anonymous e-mail, saying that he was hot. That is where it started to get interesting. He started writing me back; asking who I was, give him a clue etc. Though tempting, I have not told him, for one reason.

I have this nagging feeling that he is more interested in this online Valentine girlie than me. But we are the same person, and I do not behave / speak differently than my online persona. I feel he finds me physically attractive and he likes my character. But he dropped mailing to Me-Real, while typing like mad to Me-Virtual. Please, please explain to me why and more important, shall I lay my cards on the table and say that hello, this is also me? -Confused Valentine

Dear Confused Valentine,
It's the seduction and mystery of the Internet. The Internet, because it promotes and maintains anonymity, often creates false expectations and builds fantasies. People in real life aren't always who they appear to be on the web. Often the virtual life is more exciting than the real life. However, a virtual relationship can't be as fulfilling as an actual one because it's not real.

If you want to maintain your friendship, don't tell him. He'll feel like you made a fool out of him and that you can't be trusted. But do retire "Me-Virtual." In fact, combine both of you and become Wonder Woman in real life.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 4 years. He is 25 now. We both love each other very much and neither one of us ever feels unloved. We started out in a long distance relationship but he found it too much and broke up with me. Then one month later came back to me saying he couldn't live without me. So I moved into his house. Living together was very difficult and after one year I moved out, but we continued to date. This seemed to work a lot better for us, when we both had our own space.

Then just last year he was offered a job abroad. He said he loved me too much to leave, I told him I didn't want to stop him from getting in his way of a career. He changed his mind and accepted the job and I arranged to go back to my parents. Although my heart was breaking I agreed to split up with him, it seemed for the best. I didn't expect to hear from him again, but to my surprise he called me when he got there and then we spoke everyday. I went to visit him for a week and we had a great time. We had never really split up. We both trust each other 100% that is not an issue. Just before Christmas he told me he wanted to get engaged, that he was finally ready to commit to me.

After Christmas I moved out here to be with him, although I cannot work (as I have no visa). The other week he took me to see the rings he had been looking at, engagement ring and wedding rings. It was fantastic; I was really looking forward to him proposing. Then the other day he told me that he doesn't know what he wants and that he is having doubts about us and that he is scared and needs to think this through. I am heartbroken.

It seems as though now that I am here in person, he sees reality more than us just talking through it on the phone. He is asking for me to give him more time to think, but why should his feelings be different in 1, 2 or 3 months? I've told him I want a decision. I don't know what to do. I feel that I should just leave him and fly back home and try to move on with my life. My heart is hurting so much; it's a crushing feeling everyday. All I seem to do is wait for him to make a decision. What do you think I should do? Leave him or just stick with it feeling low?-Stay or Go

Dear Stay or Go,
Pack your bags and go home. Don't give him any ultimatums; instead maintain your self-respect and self-worth. Simply tell him that the coupon for the marriage decision has expired. Therefore, it's no longer valid, so you're leaving. Don't threaten -- just leave. If he wants you, he'll come after you with a proposal, a ring, and firm date.

Q: I'm writing to you because I met this guy and he likes to talk about sex and his fantasies. He thinks that talking about it is romantic. I really don't know what to say so if you can give me some advice please. Talking about Sex

Dear Talking about Sex,
Are you two intimately involved or are you just beginning to date? Fantasy sharing is not something you do with everyone you casually date. Having said that, let me address your problem. Tell him the truth about how you feel but in a Queen Bee way. If hearing his fantasies excites you, tell him and perhaps, if you feel comfortable, share your fantasies. However, believe me, I'm sure he would want to know if "this kind of conversation" turns you off. If you don't like this kind of talk or feel uncomfortable with it, then tell him that you know and appreciate how this kind of talk arouses him (make him right), but that it has the opposite effect on you and doesn't do anything to enhance "your mood." Believe me, he wants you to be in the mood.

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