Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "Dating Woman with Kids"

Q: Is it a good idea to date someone who has two kids as a result of a 10-year marriage? I have never been married.-Dating Woman with Kids

Dear Dating Woman with Kids,
It's only a good idea if you like kids, and you can park your ego in order to open up your heart to children who have been fathered by someone other than you. Children are wonderful. Don't limit yourself, just because you don't have any of your own.

However, don't get involved with a woman who has kids if you're not ready or not willing to love and accept her kids. Just remember, her kids are part of the package.

You mentioned that you've never been married. And your point is what? Dating isn't about scorecards. It's about two human beings desiring to get to know each other, about being vulnerable and intimate with each other. Whether one of the two parties has been married before isn't important, that is unless, divorce is one of your deal breakers.

Q: This guy friend of mine really likes me and wants to date. I'm very old-fashioned. He wants me to call him, and that's not what I go for. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't listen but I know he likes me. What should I do?-Old Fashioned Girl

Dear Old Fashioned Girl,
How you start a relationship is how you BEE in a relationship. So do you want to be the Queen Bee or not? That's your choice. It's obvious that this guy isn't shy because he told you what he wants. He wants you to call him. Tell him, in a feminine, open and vulnerable way, that you would love to hear from him (you're sending him the correct signal - now he has to pick up on it). Tell him that you are old fashioned and prefer for the man to call the woman. Put the ball and responsibility in his court. If he doesn't get the message, then you have two choices. You can do his job and call and ask him out (but in the end that won't really make you happy) or you can create some distance between you and in the process make yourself more desirable to him.

Remember, men are hunters. They like a challenge and a conquest. If he doesn't respond, you know what my answer is. Men and women are like trains…another will be along in a few minutes. Just say, "next!" Let me know how it plays out and whether the girl gets her man.

Q: I have been in a serious relationship for 2 years. I often find myself liking and being attracted to other males. I have broken the relationship several times to pursue these males. We are back together now. I now have a crush on a guy and I know he feels the same way. I do not want to break my relationship with my boyfriend again, because he is getting fed up. I would never cheat on him though. I don't know why this keeps happening to me because I think I am happy with my boyfriend. I am worried about his feelings.-Happy but Still Looking

Dear Happy but Still Looking,
First of all, you can't be in a serious relationship if you're still pursuing other guys. So get real. You're not worried about your boyfriend's feelings, you're worried about him dumping you if you decide to go after this new boy toy.

You play "the innocent girl" role really well. You probably deserve an Oscar for your performance. You claim you don't understand why this keeps happening to you, like it's beyond your control. Wake up girlfriend, this is not happening to you - you are intentionally creating this entire situation.

If you really care about your boyfriend and his feelings, put more of yourself and your focus into the relationship instead placing all your intention on being a man magnet / black widow spider and seeing how many men you can lure into your web. As Shakespeare once said, "Me thinks the lady doth protest too much."

You just might want to examine your intimacy issues. I think you have some work to do in this area.

Q: This guy I am dating was supposed to come over for dinner. He never showed up and never called, but when I talked to him he said he was sorry. He said that he didn't think I wanted to talk to him and that is why he didn't call. Am I wasting my time with him?-He Never Showed Up

Dear He Never Showed Up,
If he never called, then how did you "talk" to him? Hmm, let me guess. You called him to ask him why he didn't show up or call?

Are you wasting your time? Connect the dots and then you be the judge. Here are the facts: you cooked, he didn't call or show up and you called him.

In calling, you found out that he wasn't in the hospital, that he wasn't dead, and that he still had all his dialing fingers. But you also found out something else. He's selfish, inconsiderate, cowardly, and has no cohones. His actions speak louder than his words. He definitely doesn't cherish you.

Remember following:

  • You only love those who love you. And does he?

  • The one who cares least and is least invested in the relationship controls the relationship. Which role do you think you're playing?

  • A man or woman will only treat you the way you expect to be treated.

Are you connecting the dots? What's the big picture look like? Let me sum it up for you: "Men and women are like trains, another will be along in a few minutes. If a train doesn't stop at your station…then it's not your train. He's not your train. Just say, "NEXT."

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