Thursday, April 3, 2008

Q & A: "Can you be friends with someone you just broke up with?"

Q: I really need a major help about my relationship with my girlfriend.
I don't know where to start, but I'll try my best. Here's the thing....my girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. She's 21 and she lives in Dallas, whereas I'm 26 and I'm in California.

In the first two months everything seemed to be very lovely, but not until after I know that she is too demanding. Everything that she wants me to do, I HAVE to do it. Otherwise she would think that I don't love her or I don't care about her. The truth is I love her and I care a lot about her but I'm not her baby sitter or a nanny, right? I still have my own life. This is something that she cannot understand. She thinks that the definition of love is that everything that she wants, she gotta have it, otherwise she thinks no one loves her. So because of her weird attitude that really turn me off, I don't love her as much as I used to. She is kind of a person who is very hard to talk to. I already did in so many ways to tell her what I want...but she just wouldn't understand me. She always think about herself. Basically, I want to break up with her. There is no
chemistry between us. But it is not that easy, things just get more
complicated because of that. Every time I tell her that I want to break up, she gets mad. And she is always threatening me that she would kill herself. Sometimes I'm not sure that she would capable of doing that, but a lot of times I think she really means it.

So, now I'm really depressed. I don't know what to do. Basically now I keep the relationship just to avoid her to suicide. I don't want anything bad happens to her. Although I may not love her anymore but I still care about her. I don't want her to die just because of the relationship with me. I really need a big help from a third party. Could you give some
advice what should I do? Please....help me....

Signed,
pky

A: O.K. You've gone from I Love her, to I wanna break up with her, to I don't love her as much, to I may not love her anymore but I care about her.
Her, her, her. I have one word for her... THERAPY.

There is no need for you to be depressed. You don't love her anymore and you want to break up with her. Your feelings count, you know. This relationship is over and there is no need for you to feel guilty or depressed. Move on with YOUR life, and she should seek counseling for hers.

Q: I have this problem and it is called trust. I have been with this person for four years. We have been in a "VERY SERIOUS COMMITTED" relationship for two years. The only problem is is that he did some very demeaning and unethical things to me that hurt me to the bone. When we first hooked up and started falling in love it was like okay I am in this forever. And unfortunately, I feel the same way after all of the bad things that he has done to us. He not only did them to me but he also ousted himself. I really do believe that he has some deep rooted problems that he should have dealt with before we got together but they were only noticeable to me after we made that real commitment. I love my baby with all my heart. My question is How will I ever be able to trust that he will not black out? Don't get me wrong here he wouldn't do anything to physically hurt me, only to hurt material things - like my car, clothes, furnishings, etc. But it is still petty. How will I know he won't do it again?

Signed,
Too Deep

A: If baby has some unresolved deep rooted problems that you are NOW aware of, you may want to put this relationship on hold until he works his problems out. I hate to sound like a broken record on this counseling thing, but when one has serious problems, one require serious therapy.

Although you say he would not hurt you physically, damaging material things like cars, clothes, furnishings, etc. is still damage, and how can you be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN the next item to be damaged won't be you? Never accept demeaning or unethical treatment from ANYONE, and believe me, LOVE doesn't hurt, leave you confused or do bad things. I believe you love him and want the best for him, but remember there is another person in this relationship that deserves love and the best also. That person is YOU.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year and he has cheated on me a number of times but, I have always forgave him. Since school has been out my boyfriend and I have not seen each other for 2 weeks. Lately my guy friend has been coming over and talking to me and we have been having a lot of fun. This weekend he wants me to go to a party with him and my boyfriend is in Florida. Should I go to the party or not? P.S I feel like I many be developing a crush on my guy friend. What should I do?

Signed,
Nellie

A: There is no reason for you to NOT go to the party with your guy friend. You have a boyfriend, not a husband. Your boyfriend has cheated on you several times, your guy friend comes over and talks to you; and you guys have fun! Of course you're going to feel as though you're developing a crush on him... he makes you feel good.

We date so that we can find out what we like and dislike about our partners BEFORE we marry or live with them. If you find that your guy friend has more of the qualities that you like in a mate, and the two of you are compatible... perhaps you should consider dating him, and not Mr. Sleep around all over town.

Q: Hi, I've dated a guy a couple of times, and both dates seemed to go really well! Both dates we kissed at the end, and he put his head on my shoulder and stuff like that! Then after the second date I noticed I was calling him a little more than he was calling me, so I decided that when I called last week, that was my last call until he called me one or two times! He never called. Then today I'm sending an e-mail to everyone in my address book, and he called me about 30 minutes later. He asked me about the e-mail, he asked how I was doing, and I asked him too! He said that he's been really busy with school and work lately! I don't know what to think!

Signed,
Jennifer

A: I don't care how busy a person says he or she is, it takes less than 30 seconds to call and say, "Hi. I've been unusually busy lately, but I wanted to take a few seconds to let you know I'm thinking about you. I've gotta run right now, but I'll be in touch real soon." LESS than 30 seconds. Don't believe me? Try it and time it.

You did the right thing by stopping the excessive calling, and gave him the opportunity to SHOW you that he really isn't interested. Depending on the content of the e-mail, he may have called you out of sheer courtesy. Do not read a whole lot of something - into a whole lot of nothing.

Q: I think my boyfriend is not yet over her ex-girlfriend of three years. I love him and I like him a lot as a person. He's very nice, sweet and romantic. The girl broke up with him. They lived together for awhile. He said it destroyed him when they broke up. The girl is married now. She still keeps in touch with him and his family. He can't have her now but if he could I'm not sure if he would be with me. It bothers me a lot. Should I learn how to accept that or should I just move on. Pleeeease help!!!!

Signed,
Don't Wanna Settle

A: Miss Girl you don't want to settle, and you don't have to settle.You aren't settling! You have absolutely NO control over who was in his life prior to you. They broke up. She got married. It is over between them. He is with YOU. As for her keeping in touch with him, Aretha Franklin said it best: "I don't want nobody... always... sitting around... me and my man." Got it?!


Q: How do I get a girl who is asking me about me hooking up with some other girl to know that I don't want the other girl, I really want her? I was taking driver's Ed classes this summer and this girl who I had liked from my homeroom in high school last year was in there, but just like in school, I was too shy so we neva talked. Then there was some other girl in there who obviously wanted everybody (especially me) to know that she liked me, but I DID NOT like her.

The other day the girl who I did like from my high school came up to me and pulled me aside and told me that the other girl liked me and she started asking me different questions like "aren't u going to talk to her?" "don't u like her?" "why don't u like her?" And as I looked her in her eyes and answered her questions I got the slightest feeling that she liked me herself but I wasn't really sure. I wanted to tell her that I did not like the other girl and that I only wanted to talk to her but I did not want to make an ass out of myself and then have to go back to school next year and look her in the face everyday with her knowing what had happened between us this summer. Well, driver's Ed is over and I'll probably never see her again until school starts back, so just for future's sake, what should I have done???

Signed,
The attractive & confused guy

A: Never count yourself out. Always follow your heart. Yes, you should have informed her that you found her attractive, interesting and that you'd like the opportunity to talk to HER. You win some, you lose some. You can't steal second base if you keep your feet on first base.

Q: Can/should you be friends with someone you just broke up with? What is best for that person?

Signed,
In guilt

A: Yes... you can be friends with someone you just broke up with, but what's the point? If it's OVER, let it be OVER. Should you be friends with someone you just broke up with? No. In many cases one of the two people involved will still want the relationship, not a friendship, and may take the friendship as a cue to try to re-establish a relationship that is no longer there.

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