Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "A male friend of mine told me that I'm an alpha female"

Q: A male friend of mine told me that I'm an alpha female and that I should check out your site. I would agree that I'm a strong person. I carry myself well. I'm confident, in control, athletic and independent. I wear jeans and I wear dresses and heels. I think I can be soft and sexy when I want to be, but for the most part I am in control and emotionally aggressive.

I personally believe that I have to be in control, independent and aggressive because if I'm not, guys will think that they can walk all over me. I'm upfront in my feelings and honest. Is that a turn off? Perhaps. I also play sports. Well, if that doesn't scream masculine, I don't know what else does. So what to do? Be soft and a bimbo so guys will think I'm easy and available? Is it possible that I'm this "alpha female" because I purposely avoid those unwanted advances? Is it also possible to be this sexy vixen when I'm in a relationship and an "alpha" when I'm not? Case in point, my last relationship I was a vixen and enjoyed dressing and being the "girl" in the relationship. But since I'm not in one, why would I behave in this manner and for whom? Don't misunderstand, I enjoy dressing sexy for me as well and I do on occasion.

I guess my question for you is that I don't think I'm a 100% alpha female. But how do I know for sure and what is wrong with being strong, independent and athletic?-Am I an Alpha Female

Dear Am I an Alpha Female,
First of all, feminine women are strong, athletic and independent. They just don't shove their self-sufficiency and independence in a guy's face. Feminine women are powerful women because they trust themselves, are self-assured, and have a lot of self-esteem. They don't allow men to treat them as doormats or walk all over them. Feminine women have too much respect for themselves to put up with such poor treatment from guys. As a woman, you don't have to put up with a guy disrespecting you. You simply make the decision not to see him anymore. One of my cardinal rules is that men and women are like trains. Another one will be along in five minutes. In order for that to be true, you have to believe it. And if you believe it, you won't, even for a minute, put up with consistently bad behavior from any guy.
Being a feminine woman is not about how you dress, but about who you are on the inside; what you believe about yourself; what you believe you deserve, what you believe about men; whether you trust men or not; your expectations, and your willingness or unwillingness to be your real authentic feminine self. Being a feminine woman is about "bee-ing." Being a Queen Bee, being the "girl." It's the guy's job, not yours to "do."

The reason you want to control and have a need to be aggressive, emotionally and probably intellectually, is because you're afraid that nothing will happen if you don't make it happen. If you gave up control you would have to step into the abyss of the unknown and wait for a man to give to you instead of you doing all the giving. That's pretty scary. What's your biggest fear? That no man will give to you? Or, that you're invisible? That he won't notice you and, therefore, won't find you?

If you started to like and love yourself more, then you wouldn't have to run around trying to control everything and everyone. And, you would allow yourself to receive. Receiving is one of the greatest gifts you can give a man.

You don't become feminine just to get a guy. If you do, you're just playing a game and cheating yourself and him. As long as you're playing a game and wearing the mask of femininity, then you really won't be soft, vulnerable, and feminine. Femininity is your true nature. When you allow it to come out, you're just being who you really are. The Alpha Female has spent years sharpening her masculine characteristics to make herself successful in school and business, but in the process she has built a wall around her heart and forgotten her true feminine self.

Thank you for writing to me. Your Alpha / Feminine struggle is one that millions of women face.


Q: I am concerned. I am a 33 year-old male who recently began dating a 31 year-old female. We've gone on over 5 dates and have had a great time together. However, she does not allow me to put my arm around her, let alone kiss her. I am concerned she has some mental baggage, but don't want to push the issue this early in the relationship. This seems quite conservative to me, especially in "modern times". What do you think?-Pushy or Baggage

Dear Pushy or Baggage,
Did you ever think that because she likes you she may not want to rush into being loose with her lips and hips? Often the best relationships are those that start off as friends first. And for your information, the first kiss is really the most intimate moment you will share because it is the first time your bodies connect. Why waste it? Better to look forward to it?

Don't rush to judgment and think that something "must" be wrong with her because she's a woman who respects herself and doesn't have to follow the trends of modern times. In my opinion, you're a very lucky guy to be dating her. She's very special. If I were you, I'd let her know it too before someone other guy realizes just how special she is.


Q: I have been dating a guy for about 3 months. We just committed to being exclusive and we are not yet intimate. It has been a while since I dated someone and I have no idea what the stages/steps that a relationship will go through. For example, how often should he call? Is it expected that we will be together on the weekends? Level of intimacy?-New to Commitment

Dear New to Commitment,
Obviously he called often enough for you to agree to a committed relationship, so why do you want him to change his behavior now? Are you suffering from the I love you, you're perfect, now change syndrome? Like many women, once you get into a relationship with a guy, do you want to make him over? Forget about it. He comes as is, as you do. You are attracted to each other for who you are, not what you can make each other become. If it's important to you to have him call a certain number of times per week, let him know that you really like talking with him and that you look forward to his calls. Don't tell him how many times he should call.

As for being together on the weekend, you can expect to see him Saturday night. Saturday night is usually date night. And you'll probably want to spend one of the days together. Remember to be open and flexible. Relationships are not fixed, they grow and develop. Relationships have their own rhythm. Often the biggest mistake men and women make when they get in a new relationship is to rush and push for deep intimacy too quickly.

I'm glad that you two haven't slept together yet. It's a healthy sign that you're committed to first getting to know each other's mind and spirit. Once you two sleep together, your relationship will be forever changed.

Relationships do go through stages and the length of each stage depends on the people involved. The first stage is the honeymoon phase where everything is wonderful. You think and wish it would last forever. But it doesn't. Reality sets in, which is the next stage. That's where you really start to find out about the other person. You begin to notice that your partner isn't perfect anymore (and he notices the same about you). This is where the relationship really starts to grow because both of you will face challenges and your own "stuff" will come up. How each of you deal with your stuff, as well as how you deal with your stuff as a couple, will determine where the relationship goes. You're bonding, learning to trust each other, and becoming more vulnerable with each other.

Once you get through this phase, the foundation of your relationship becomes stronger and your relationship as a couple really begins to blossom. This takes you to the next level. At some point in this next level the two of you will decide the future of your relationship and the level of your commitment.


Q: I'm still very close with my ex even though we have been broken up for over a year now. She's interested in another guy, but I still have feelings for her. We hang out and talk a lot. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stand the feeling when she's with a new person. What should I do?-Still Care about the Ex

Dear Still Care about the Ex,
You're still caring a torch for her. It takes courage mi amigo to be honest with yourself and admit your true feelings. Congratulate yourself for your courage. As Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true." It's time to move on, she has but you haven't. You can still be friends but significantly reduce the amount of time you spend together and on the phone. My hit is that as long as she is in your life, you may look at another woman but you've only got eyes for her. If you're really that close, don't just walk. Tell her why you're backing away. She'll appreciate your honesty and your friendship.

If you two are such good friends and really enjoy each other, any chance of you two working things out and getting back together? I've had great success working with couples and helping them to work out their problems. If you both would like to do some coaches counseling, give me a call at 310.394.2647.


Q: I'm 18 and I went out with this girl for almost a year. I think I truly loved her. She was the only one I felt was special in my life. We broke up last year but never really closed things. We left on the thought that we would try again when we got back to school. We didn't, although we remained friends and hung out a lot while at school. However I still think I love her and would like to get back together with her. When we came home for Christmas vacation we never really talked much or hung out. About a week after being home she got mad because I wasn't phoning her. About a month ago, on spring break, she was partying, got drunk and made out with another guy, whom she knows I hate. I found out she didn't want me to know about her and this guy. I'm just wondering if you think I should try and get her back. And if so, what should I do? Should I Win her Back

Dear Should I Win her Back,
The answer is a resounding yes. What are you waiting for? You absolutely love and adore this girl, so go for it. And I think she just may be still crazy about you. Ask her for a date and take her to her favorite restaurant. Or, do something special and take her to an amusement park, ice-skating, on a hike to a waterfall, or a concert of her favorite artist.

When you call her and ask her out, tell her that you've been thinking about her a lot. You want to see if you two are soul mates (women love the idea of soul mates). And, that you both owe it to yourself and each other to give the relationship another chance. Whatever you do, be your charming authentic self - the man she fell in love with the first time. The way to a woman's heart is by cherishing her and making her feel special. Good luck.

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