Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "a bunch of old man chasing young women"

Q: I live in New York City the worst place for personal relationships. I see a bunch of old man chasing young women and the ones in my age group, 46 don't want a relationship. They are just fine or I meet to drunks one and that is out of the question for me. What do I do? - Not Dating in New York

Dear Not Dating in New York,
I know New York can be a tough city for relationships, but girlfriend, you need an attitude adjustment or you're never going to meet a wonderful guy. Right now I can understand why you're attracting unavailable and unworthy men. There are two reasons:

You are unavailable and don't (deep down) consider yourself worthy of attracting great guy. These men are simply mirrors of your beliefs.

It is done unto you as you believe. Since you believe that NYC is the worst place for relationships, even if a great guy would show up, you wouldn't be able to see him. You'd rather be right than happy. You'd rather be right that there are no great guys in NY than allow yourself to be dating and in a healthy relationship.
You need an attitude adjustment. Ask yourself, "Do I want to be right or be in a happy relationship?" Once you decide that you want to be happy, you'll do something different - you'll start behaving in a way that will result in attracting a different kind of man to you. You'll notice that once you start responding differently to the world, the world will respond different to you.

Q: I am 47, female, never married and I am very sad. I am sad that I cannot meet someone, sad because when I go out, the men want my girl friends. They want to meet them, not me. I'm sad because I have gotten myself in dangerous situations (such as drinking too much, then going with them to their place) because I am afraid to drive home. Then they try to take advantage of me. I usually am ok but occasionally they are forceful like a possible date rape scenario. That happened last weekend. I was powerless, but I succeeded in fending off the man. I am feeling so blue about it. I have no way of meeting decent men. I am so disappointed in myself and men.-Disappointed in Me and Men

Dear Disappointed in Me and Men,
I know how you feel. You're not only disappointed in and with yourself, you're also frustrated and don't know what to do. Believe me, we've all been there. The only thing you can do at this point is surrender to the situation - you're alone and you don't want to be. And because of your desperation, neediness and loneliness you've made bad decisions and poor choices in men.

Feel your feelings. Be sad, angry, fearful and resentful. Feel free to add any more emotions. Have all your emotions and then get over yourself.

You can't do anything about what has already happened. All you can do is stop being a victim and begin to take responsibility for your life and what you want to create in your life now.

Here's my advice. Stop dating or looking for men - just for right now. Spend the time getting yourself together; building your self-esteem, self-confidence and learn to love yourself. Men won't and can't love you if you don't love yourself. And, as long as you stay where you are - in victim mode and having a pity party - you'll either stay alone, be passed over or repeatedly attract the same kind of man who will take advantage of you. Remember, men or women can and will only treat you the way you let them treat you. And how they treat you is based on your own self-respect, self-confidence and self-acceptance.

The bottom line is that you are not hopeless and neither is your situation. You deserve to have love in your life - but first you have to realize it, believe it, and accept it as possible and true. That may take some faith and trust on your part. But look at it this way. Your life isn't working the way it is right now. You might as well put your faith and trust into something new that just might work better for you. You really have nothing to lose. You're already feeling really bad. It looks like the only place for you to go is up and from where I sit, with a little work on your part; you could become successful at dating and be in a relationship.

Once you take responsibility for your life by realizing where you are and believing where you want to be is possible, (even though it will require a leap of faith on your part), the next step is to then get some help in building your "self" image and creating some positive self-confidence.

Do these two steps and then you will be ready to date. At that point you'll be ready to leave the pity party and go to a real party. When you change a little, it's amazing how the world will respond to you. Who know whom you may meet?

If you want your life to be better, different, more fulfilling and less disappointing, get some help in changing it. You don't have to do this alone. And you don't have to be alone. Nor do you have to compromise yourself and settle. You just need to learn how to like and love yourself. Then you won't allow yourself to compromise yourself. I can help. If you're interested in changing yourself and your life, and you don't want to be a victim anymore, contact me.

Q: I just called it off with the guy I was dating for over two months. We had a good thing going. I was not crazy about him but he did pursue me. I was taking things slow in that we didn't really talked about where we were going, but simply enjoyed each other's company. He went on holiday to New York and fell in love with a girl there. He said, "He was blindsided by something he didn't expect." They intend to see each other again to see if it will work. He still wants to see me saying he still feels the same, but he cannot undo what happened while on vacation. I would have wanted to give that sort of arrangement a go but then I realized that I am in a win-lose situation there. I called it off. Did you think it was the right thing to do? Why be hurt in the future when I could have backed out now. -Did I Do the Right Thing?

Dear Did I Do the Right Thing,
You read the signs (of course they were hard to miss) and took the course of action that any woman who likes and values herself would take. Congratulations! Even before he went to New York, he was in the BTN category, which is Better Than Nothing. So you're not missing much. Besides, you don't want a man with the mantra of, "when you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

In the future, if a similar situation happens again, simply smile and say, "Thank you. You saved me a lot of time. There's the door. Don't let it hit you in the ass." Remember, just because a man pursues you doesn't mean you have to go out with him.

Q: I am very recently divorced but extremely comfortable with this. We were married for 3 years, but I was very well aware of the fact that I was not "in love" with Mark. He is a wonderful person, has so many great qualities, but there was never that "magic" feeling people talk about and to be quite honest, I was convinced there was no such thing. I honestly believe that there are many people who can make you happy and you have to make yourself available to be loved and of course return love. However, both people must feel that way.

After one year, I realized as sweet as Mark was, he was not in love with me, he was in love with the idea or role of a wife. The things that make me who I am began to aggravate him, especially my desire to show him affection and to receive affection from him. This led to a series of bad decisions on my part which involved fooling around with guy friends of ours or mine. I've never had sex with any of them, but I craved their attention and accepted it. In June, I began talking to a wonderful guy named Rick.

After two weeks I realized that I was very taken with him and he felt the same way. Tim's
ex-wife was determined that things weren't going to get any further between us, so she contacted my husband. Mark confronted me and I admitted to talking to Rick for two weeks. We immediately separated and are now waiting for the 30 days to expire finalizing our divorce.
I have gone to counseling to better understand myself and to make sure I was not more at fault than what was obvious, in the deterioration of my marriage. I'm just the type of person who doesn't want to continue making the same mistakes repeatedly. I have come to the conclusion that I am not unusually needy or dependent and do not have an unhealthy need for validation or approval from a partner.

The first issue is that I'm 22 and he's 40. The second issue is that he's been married 4 times and not happily to any of them. I want to make it clear that age and past marriages are of no consequence to him or me. I, of all people, know that we all make mistakes and have pasts that we would like to change but do not necessarily regret because they have made us the people we are.

I have never felt as appreciated and loved for the person that I am - absolutely unconditionally, until now. Neither of us have anything to gain from the other, except pure happiness and genuine love. We compliment each other in so many ways. I feel certain that if my family would just wait and hold their judgments until they've seen how happy we are, there would be no objections. I know this is not like my marriage in the respect that he is filling a role; he is in love with me and all of my idiosyncrasies. Your advice will not make any decisions for me, but I would like to hear an unbiased opinion from someone who seems to understand a lot about relationships and people.- He's Been Married Four Times, Will it Work This Time?

Dear He's Been Married Four Times,
Thank you for the compliment and for asking me for advice. I don't think you're going to like what I have to say, but here goes. I don't think you're the perfect match or the dynamic duo. You are on the rebound my dear and like a starved dog. You'll be with anyone who pays you even a little attention. I'm not calling you needy (although I think you are and could use some more therapy) but you've just come out of a loveless marriage and you want what has been lacking in your life for the past three years - and you want it all right now. I totally understand that, but you can't compensate for what was missing yesterday. All you can do is create your future by what you do today.

This guy doesn't have a great track record when it comes to women and marriage. You can justify as much as you want, but the results are the results. And, I know you think you're different than all the other women he has gone with and married, and perhaps you are, but in all my years and all my research and all my reading (I am a student of history) I don't know of even one leopard who has changed his spots. Of course, there is always a first time and I have been known to be wrong. However, in this case, I think I'm right on the money. I think Rick is your transition man (and believe me there's nothing wrong with that) but I wouldn't be so quick to pick out china patterns…if you know what I mean.

Good luck. Even though you feel like a wounded animal, you don't have to act like one. Instead, heal yourself so you can really have a great life with a great man who is really committed to relationship and marriage. Please let me know if the leopard changes his spots. It will be one for the books.

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