Saturday, April 12, 2008

Ooh those Bad Boys and Bad Girls! Why Do You Love them?

What's the attraction to bad boys or bad girls? Do you ever ask yourself why you get into relationships with those kind of people and stay in them even when you're not getting your needs met?

What do you like? What's the attraction?

  • The Challenge?
  • The Conquest?
  • High Drama?
  • You like being tormented?
  • That interesting "rush"?
  • It's familiar?

Did you ever realize that by running after them, you accept so little? By chasing bad boys and girls who aren't good for you, it only reinforces your belief that you don't deserve someone who will love you. And, if you have abandonment issues, those kinds of people will only feed into your insecurities and you'll feel that you need him or her. The worse he or she treats you, the more needy and desperate you get to have their love.

As I have said over and over again, if needy and desperate were attractive qualities, then Calvin Klein would make them perfumes. A needy or desperate person is not a pretty picture.

Being in a relationship with a bad boy or bad girl is definitely not healthy. And, because it's one-sided, you don't get your healthy needs met. The biggest problem in the relationship, other than the fact that it's self-destructive for you and will totally eliminate any self-esteem and self-respect you might have, is that fact the love isn't shared. You're both in love with the same person. You're in love with the baddie and so is the bad boy or girl. Bad boys and bad girls only care about themselves, so they are thrilled that you care about them too.

Some of the characteristics of a bad boy or girl are: not faithful, inconsiderate, not reliable, commitment phobic, has lots of emotional baggage, substance abuser, thrill seeker, and is narcissistic. And, they are definitely "unavailable" for a meaningful, communicative, intimate, long-term, balanced, healthy relationship. But they will promise and deliver excitement and heartbreak.

If you have dated a bad boy or bad girl, how many time have you gone back for more and tried to make it work even when you were not getting your needs met? And, despite every fiber in your body and soul telling you it won't work and the alarm sign of "danger" flashing in your head, you still hang in there and fight for the relationship?

Why? Why? Why? Why do you keep repeating the same patterns and choosing the same kinds of men or women? What benefit do you get from being their "dancing bear?"

There are a number of reasons why you keep attracting those people and repeating the patterns. The main reason is because "you believe" that you don't deserve to be treated any better. You also believe, unfortunately, that you can't have a healthy loving relationship. So to make yourself right about what you believe, you date bad boys or girls who will treat you poorly and then you find yourself in an awful relationship.

Here's the critical question: Do you want to be right (that you're not good enough and can't be in a good relationship) or be in a loving relationship? Which one do you want to choose? Both are your choices

If you want to change your behavior and date healthy, good guys and gals, here is what you do:

  • Stop chasing after people for their approval
  • Stop begging for love
  • Start nurturing yourself and build up some self-love points. Until you love yourself and feel lovable, you can't be with someone who can truly love you. It's just not possible. And even if you do find someone, it won't last because all their love will never be enough for you until you feel the love for yourself inside.
  • Play connect the dots of your old partners/ relationships. What is the common thread and the picture when you connect the dots?
  • Want to change the picture? Make a deal maker/deal breaker list of traits you must have and those that you refuse to tolerate in a partner.
  • Then once you start dating someone, ask this question, "Is this relationship good for me? Do we have enough of the same values? Will I grow and become more of the person I want to be?" If you're a guy, ask yourself if you're being admired, respected and appreciated? If you're a gal, are you being cherished? Are you getting your needs met? Do you feel safe and loved? Are you able to be loving in this relationship?

There are millions of great guys and gals out there. In the long run, good guys do finish first and good girls are cherished.

It's your life. If you could stand back and be just a little objective, how do you really want to live it? With that thrill of excitement, pain and torment or with that inner feeling of real joy, pleasure and love?

In a relationship, "creating high drama, chaos, and perpetual crisis will eventually drive anyone healthy away. Only the twisted stay….

And you are…?

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