Friday, April 11, 2008

The Happiness Formula. He Loves Me? She Loves Me Not?

I've had a ton of emails wanting to know the answer to these very questions. What do smart men and women know about love that the rest of us don't? And how did they get to be so smart to figure out the right answer?

Men and women who are smart and know about love apply the happiness formula to their relationships. They plug in the formula which then gives them the right answer to the question does he love me, does she love me not? No one, not even really smart and happy people, can define what love and happiness are, but they can tell you in a heart beat what happiness is not. And how did they get so smart? Some are just lucky in love and pick great partners, right from the beginning. Not me, I had to do it the hard way. I kissed lots of frogs. I was a serial monogamist and I went through numerous tubes of crazy glue, desperately trying to put my broken heart back together-again and again and again.

My life began to change when I learned the happiness formula. Even though it didn't automatically provide the right answer to the question he loves me? he loves me not? (oh how I wished it had) , it did identify several rather important details:

  • the condition of my relationship

  • where I stood in the relationship

  • whether the relationship was healthy or not healthy for me

  • whether my boyfriend was the "right one"

Here is the happiness formula:

Anxiety + heartache + anger + fear != happiness

If you want to know the answer to does he or doesn't she? apply the happiness formula to your relationship. This is how it works. If you're feeling the feelings to the left of the not equal sign (), and they are constant, continual, consistent, or chronic, then:

  • the condition of your relationship is not one of happiness

  • the likelihood is that you're unhappy

  • the relationship is unhealthy for you because it is eroding your self esteem and self-worth, you probably don't feel loved, cared for, nurtured, nourished, special, appreciated, admired, or respected, but instead feel unloved, unlovable, controlled, criticized, taken for granted, not good enough, can't do anything right, anxious, worried, fearful, or needy

  • if you're feeling most of or all of the above, then you're with the wrong person

What's interesting about the happiness formula is that it can't tell you what happiness is (that's because happiness and love are personal and individual), but it can help you recognize the symptoms of an unhappy, unfulfilling, and unhealthy relationship.

Every relationship has it's ups and it's downs. Love can be painful at times, but love should not be painful all or most of the time. Love fills your heart with happiness. Love soothes you body. Love feeds your soul-but love also brings out your insecurities. Love is guaranteed to press all your buttons. Whether young or old, man or woman, all of us want to love and be loved. Yet, while wanting to be loved, we have this fear of being rejected. That's why we want to know she loves me? he loves me not? Too often past feelings of rejection and/or potential rejection cause us to reject the other person before we can be rejected. Don't do that! Keep your heart open to love. Allow the person you're with to love you. Allow your relationship to blossom.

But at the same time, don't lose yourself in the illusion of what love could be, if it's not. Use the happiness formula. There's nothing better than being in love when a relationship is working and there's nothing worse than being in love when it's not. If you're unhappy in your relationship and you've given it your all, ask yourself the following two questions: How much pain, heartache, confusion and drama is he or she worth? I love me or I love me not?

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