I get a lot of letters asking me the secret to having a healthy, loving relationship and how to get a date. Well, here it is -- the secret to successful dating and wonderful relationships is the Validation Meter. Learn to use it and see your confidence grow.
1. Everything in your life is based on relationship because everything in life is a relationship. This includes the one you have with your parents, your boss, your friends, your siblings, your spouse or boy friend or girlfriend. The quality of your life is based on the quality of your relationships. The most important relationship and the one that impacts all the others is the relationship you have with yourself. What kind of relationship do you have with you?
Becky: "Did you know that thousands of wonderful loving men and women live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others?"
2. Men and women will treat you the way you expect to be treated. What's your expectation? How do you really expect a guy or a gal to treat you? Do you expect a woman to say yes when you call and ask her out? Or, do you really believe that you're a loser and you're going to get rejected? If you're a woman, do you believe you can have a great guy or do you really believe that all the good ones are taken? That you'll never get married?
Becky: "Others will treat you the way you treat yourself because how you treat yourself is based on what you believe you deserve."
3. You don't get what you want in this world, you get what you believe you can have. So, right now take a look at your life and see what you believe. In order to change, you have to get honest with yourself first and know where you are. You have to get real about what you do and what you're willing to do build "your self" in order to get a date or have a relationship. So what do you really believe about life and your life?
4. You are your beliefs. "Wherever you are in your life, look at your beliefs because they got you there." And, you become what you believe about yourself - not what you wish or want to believe. What do you really believe about you? Here's a hint. I'm talking about self-deserving and worthiness.
Becky: "You can talk about what you deserve, but it's your feelings of deserving and worthiness that determines who and what you attract into your life, what happens in your life; and guy or gal who stays in your life."
5. Before you can start building self-confidence you have to know what you really believe. That's why I want you to really think about the above questions and answer them honestly. You can't change your core beliefs until you identify them. Once you do that, you can then begin to replace them with new beliefs.
The law in physics says that two things can't occupy the same space at the same time. Therefore, in order to have new beliefs you first have to be willing to give up the old ones and then you have to let those old beliefs go. This requires a willingness on your part to change and the trust that your life can be different and much better. Trust requires faith - a belief that your life can be better - that you can start dating the kind of person you want or that you can have a wonderful, loving relationship.
This will take time, discipline and patience, but you can gain self-confidence and succeed in dating, relationships, business and in life. This is where a coach can really help you. When things get hard, you may not keep your word to yourself, but you will keep your word to your coach. By keeping your word, change and miracles happen.
Don't beat yourself up if, after reading this week's column and following my advice, you're not immediately self-confident and getting all the girls or guys you want. You're going to have to work at being the person you want to become and that means taking a risk. You're going to fall down, but the key is to get right back up. Every one fails on their way to success. People who don't risk never succeed.
Becky: "The reason you have a neck is so you can stick it out and take a risk."
6. Stopping looking for external validation to tell you how good or worthy you are. If you keep looking outside of yourself, you'll never think, feel or believe that you're good enough. You'll always be influenced by what every one around you says to you and about you and, no matter what someone else does for you it will never be enough - because you don't think you're enough - so you'll always want more.
Don't take other peoples words and actions personally. Whatever they are doing, it's not about you.
Becky: "Don't let someone's criticisms stay in your heart and don't let their compliments stay in your head."
7. To build your confidence you must build your "self." To achieve greater self-confidence you need The Validation Meter to measure how your "self" is doing. However, it can only measure the "self" from the inside. External validations register on the meter, but unfortunately, they don't leave lasting impressions nor create permanent and long-lasting results. Here are the following parts of the Validation Meter:
Self-Respect: You create respect and start respecting yourself when you keep your word to your self. Start keeping your word and you'll start to build feeling of worthiness and deserving.
Self-Esteem: Self-esteem is liking your self. Self-esteem goes up the more you respect your self.
Self-Confidence: Confidence builds through experience. As you start respecting your self and your word, your esteem for your self goes up, which means you'll have more confidence in your thoughts and actions. As you become confident in what you do and how you are in the world, in your school, work, and personal relationships, everyone and everything will begin to respond differently to you. And you won't let anyone treat you poorly anymore because you'll realize that you're worthy! Self-confidence creates self-assurance which is connected to the new expectations you will have of your self and of those around you.
Keep this column with you. Put one copy of it in your wallet, another on your fridge, and another on your mirror. Use the Self-Validation Meter. It will help you begin to accept and be okay with you - your self.
The key to life is self-acceptance. Once you accept you, you allow others to accept you. That's the key to all personal and professional relationships. That's the secret to successful dating and wonderful relationships.
If you want to change your life, if you want to build self-confidence and have it last, get a coach. It can make all the difference in your relationships. After all, everything in your life is based on relationship.