Saturday, April 12, 2008

Being Single vs. in a Relationship

I know you think that you are always who you are and that you are the same whether you are single or in a relationship, but you're not. Look at singles and then look at those in a relationship. Do you notice the huge difference?

Single people view the world and themselves from their perspective - single. And their actions definitely reflect this perspective. Those in relationship view the world from a "we" standpoint and, if the relationship is a good one, act in a way creates harmony for both of them. Singles think of satisfying their own needs. They seem to concentrate on exclusivity, while couples focus on inclusivity.

Essentially, it's the "what about me" vs. the "what about us" syndrome. Which one fits your lifestyle pattern? Me-ness or We-ness? Be honest with yourself.

If you're wrapped up in you, worried about yourself, and making sure your needs are being taken care of, you're not going to be caring, compassionate, or nurturing. And you're not going to be into sharing. In this type of situation, sharing simply becomes optional for you, rather than an essential ingredient in all your relationships.

As a single, if sharing is simply an option, then another person becomes an accessory in your life, instead of a vital part of it. Hats, purses, ties, cufflinks, pins, and shoes are accessories: you change them to compliment your outfit and make you look better. If you're single, do you do the same thing with people, consciously or unconsciously?

Perhaps you change partners like you do hairstyles or clothes. Do you wear your partners and when they get worn, toss them or just give them away?

Single men and women often can't seem to see outside the "singles" box they live in. "One" becomes their frame of reference. Therefore, when these type of two "ones" come together, instead of them unifying to become one, they stay as two "ones" in a relationship. Couples in good relationships, on the other hand, connect and blend. Together they create a bigger box that includes both of them. The box is bigger enough to accommodate the separate needs of each individual and the needs of the couple in the relationship.

Many, but not all, single people today have become really "me" focused and quite rigid. If you've been single for any period of time, you've had to watch your own back and take care of yourself. The problem is, to be in a successful, intimate, loving relationship, you have to break the pattern of complete independence and be willing to create a new pattern of interdependence. In establishing interdependence, me, me, me becomes we and, we and me become part of each other. I'm talking about healthy relationships where both partners have good self-esteem, understand and accept themselves, and seek internal validation instead of always looking to their partner to determine their self-worth.

Singles, especially those who have been single a really long time, are usually self-involved. Relationship gives couples a great opportunity for each of them to become self-evolved.

Relationships help us grow. They are a wonderful opportunity to teach us to share our selves and our gifts with another person. They allow us to become vulnerable and intimate with ourselves and with our partner. Relationships help us cultivate love.

Single men and women are usually more concerned about getting love instead of giving love. While, men and women in relationship give love, because they know and understand that it is the giving of love to their partner that makes the relationship grow.

Singles are only committed to themselves and their own needs and wants. If they aren't getting all they want from the relationship, instead of working it through, they simply move on to the next date or partner. Even though they think they can, they can't get past the me-me-me syndrome. Singles are too busy keeping a scorecard of what "they aren't getting" from their partner, that they don't even think about what "they aren't giving" to him or her.

We, in many ways, is much more powerful and free than me. Men, when they become committed to the relationship and become part of a "we", feel better about themselves and their world. Their energy is focused as they no longer have to go trolling and looking for a woman; they have someone to provide, protect and serve - so they now have a specific job to accomplish; someone to impress, and the "we" gives them a reason to get up in the morning, to take on the world and fight the fight. And most importantly, when a guy becomes part of a "we" he gains a best friend and someone he absolutely knows will be his partner and "watch his back." The "we" becomes his rai·son d'ê·tre (reason for being).

When a woman becomes part of a "we", she is able to be her true feminine self, She now has someone to nurture, love and give to. Her feminine power increases by her connection with his masculine energy. They fit as a couple.

When a woman feels connected and part of something, she usually feels more secure. And once she feels safe, she usually blossoms.

Many marriages and relationships fail today because one or both partners aren't willing to give up their me-mantras and me-boxes. They just aren't willing to share. Maybe, instead of buying those expensive toys, clothes, and gadgets, single men and women, and unhappy couples who keep going for counseling instead of getting coaching on how to deal effectively with their problems head on, should get sandboxes and learn how to play in them…together.

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