Thursday, April 17, 2008

Q & A: "sharing my weekend with a chick he used to roll in the hay with"

Q: I asked a girl some months ago if she would like to go for coffee and she said yes. But since that time we haven't been for coffee as she said she is busy, even those I have asked her yet again another number of times. Do you think I should ask her again only this time set a time and date or do I asked someone else out? - She Said Yes But…

Dear She Said Yes But…
Aren't you tired of waiting? You keep waiting around for this girl. Stop waiting and take some action like move on. After all these months, don't you think that if she were interested she would have made time for you?

You really could use some help in the world of dating. You might want to set up 2 coaching sessions with me -in the first coaching session have a list of your questions ready and I'll give you some dating, flirting, and asking girls out tips. Then I'll give you some homework. In our next session we'll talk about what worked and what didn't work and what you need to do. That's my suggestion if you want to date smart and not waste a
lot of time feeling bad and getting rejected.

By the way, this is a good time to take advantage of my March coaching discount. Set up two sessions and you get a 20% discount. Set up four sessions and you get a 30% discount. It's a good deal. But like all good deals, it will end March 31st.

Q: I have been dating a wonderful man for about a year now. I have some insecurity about an old girlfriend that he used to hang out with before we got together. He owns a cottage and we go up every weekend together. Before he and I began dating, she used to go up to his cottage and hang out with him sometimes.

Since we started dating, she has called my boyfriend a few times (that I know of) and asked to come up to the cottage to spend the weekend. I was very uncomfortable with this and told my boyfriend so. He felt somewhat "on the spot" however. I made my self clear that if he wanted her to spend the weekend, that would be fine. However, I was not going to put "myself" in a situation that I would feel extremely uncomfortable.

I know this may sound as if I am very insecure - maybe so. However, how am I supposed to feel about sharing my weekend with a chick he used to roll in the hay with! No way! What do you think?-Want a One Woman Man

Dear Want a One Woman Man,
I'm with you. I'm a really sharing woman. I'll share just about everything except my man with another woman. And I won't share my lingerie with a man. You don't sound insecure at all, you sound like a woman who knows her worth. Now its time your boyfriend discovered what he has…before it's too late. You're quite clear that you want a one-woman man. Don't settle for anything less. Don't give him an ultimatum but don't settle and compromise yourself and your values.

Q: I just wanted to say I like your website and find it very interesting!

Recently, I called a colleague of and asked if she would be interested in 'doing something sometime'. She responded "Yeah, sure!" Two days later I called her again and her tone was not so lively. I asked her if she was still interested in doing something, and she said, "uh, I don't know" in a very casual manner. That following weekend, I left a message on her machine asking her to call me if she still wanted to do something. Since I didn't hear back from her, the following Tuesday I went to her and asked her if she got my message (in a small talking manner). She said 'yeah'. So, after a little silence, I told her that I was just looking for someone to hang out with and have fun. I said that I wasn't really interested in a relationship right now, but may consider the possibility later on (if things worked out). I said, "If I came on too strong then I apologize." She didn't say anything or make much eye contact with me when I spoke.

Two days later, on Valentine's Day, I sent a rose carnation sent to her with a note wishing her a happy Valentine's Day and birthday coming up. I never received a thank you or anything in return. She is still seeing her ex-boyfriend. That's fine with me. But, now she avoids me and barely acknowledges my presence. This reminds me of grade school; she used to be very cheery when she was around me. When I see her she doesn't make eye contact at. I don't want to lose a friend over this situation; it's not worth it. I care about things like that. What did I do wrong? How do I make the tension go away? I know this may not seem like that big of a deal, but I would greatly appreciate any advice you may have!-Wondering Why

Dear Wondering Why,
Even though you say you don't have an agenda, it seems you really do. You like this woman and she's not returning the interest. She doesn't return you calls, she hasn't said yes any of your numerous requests to get together, and she never even said thank you for the rose. There's a recurring theme here. Are you getting the message? She's not interested.

And, as far as the ex-boyfriend goes, since they are dating again, you might want to erase the ex part. You're right, college isn't grade school. But the reason she's not delighted to see you is because she feels pressured by you and your agenda. She's probably sorry that she said yes, after she realized that you were really interested in something more than casually getting together. So, my advice to is…back off. Leave her alone. Let things cool off. If you see her in school, just nod and say hi. That's it! Perhaps in a couple of months you can revisit the friendship. In the meantime, you seem a little needy. You might want to work through that neediness. After all, desperation and neediness are not attractive qualities because if they were, they would be perfumes. Better to work through your neediness and emotional baggage now, instead of carrying it into your other relationships.

If you want some help in getting rid of your emotional baggage, give me a call at 310.394.2647

Q: I'm a 41-year-old single man whose efforts at finding the love of my life have been spectacular - and sometimes expensive failures.
When I was 16, I was running into the problem of meeting girls who saw me as their "brother." I have had a highly successful professional life but I have struggled with the difficulty of meeting women and getting them to go out with me.

I tried nearly everything from and I just cannot make that connection, though there was one near-relationship.

It's been years since I've kissed or held a woman in any way. I could live with being alone and going to places and family events "stag," but a little closeness and human contact makes a lot of the stress of life tolerable. Watching TV alone and seeing other couples close just makes me want to cry sometimes and wonder if I should just give up on women and accept being alone.
But if there's one experience I want to have, it's the one of being in love and having someone to share my life with. Is that so much to ask?

I suppose I'm writing this because I thought I had finally met someone who was right for me. After going out for three weeks, she told me she liked me, but that she would never have any physical attraction to me. I replied, "Maybe not now, but perhaps in the future." No, she said, she was sure of it. Then she asked if I was going to take her out tomorrow, as originally planned. Maybe I'm a shallow jerk, but I said there was no point in pursuing anything with her. All this rejection is making me very cold toward other people, I must confess. I am becoming wary of getting too close and getting my hopes up, and this has an impact on other people. I used to be so open and friendly to people and especially women I was interested in, and now I am wondering if being less so is the best approach to take.
Sorry for the length of this letter. I'm sure there are plenty of other people in the same boat who sit home at night and wonder why they can't find anyone and occasionally reach out and find themselves disappointed.- Disappointed in Women

Dear Disappointed in Women,
Thank you for your letter and honesty. I can totally appreciate and understand your desire to be in love and share your life with someone.

Right now you need a healthy dose of good self-esteem. Here's an exercise I want you to do. Write down all the reasons you are successful professionally. Then ask yourself what you "really believe" about yourself professionally. You see you don't get what you want in this world, you get what you believe you can have. Professionally, you believe certain things about yourself.

Now I want you to answer this question. Do you want to be right (that you can't have a relationship) or do you want to be happy? If you want to be happy…and in a relationship, then you have to change your personal belief system…about yourself. Make a list of what you really believe about yourself personally. For every negative belief write down a positive belief that you could believe about yourself. Then, take an action to reinforce the positive belief…not the negative belief. This isn't easy to do, but it is doable and you can do it…if you do want to be happy.

You need to learn how to flirt successfully and how to woman magnate and not the big brother. Being the big brother hasn't gotten you where you want to go, so now it's time to be different. It's okay to be friendly, just learn how to maximize your assets.

Q & A: "Is he commitment phobic or did I just play my cards wrong?"

Q: Would you believe a 50-year old woman could make such stupid mistakes? I met a man at work. We had an instant attraction and things went too fast. Three months later we were living together and talking a lot about marriage. He seemed to be crazy about me. Then things slowly started to fall apart. He has never been married or had a close relationship with a woman. He never said anything was wrong but slowly he became insulting and pulled away. He broke it off with lots of phony excuses. I moved out and was devastated because I really loved him. Anyway, now I feel like a real idiot but am wondering if you think he might just be commitment phobic or did I just play my cards wrong and should have made him chase me more in the beginning? He genuinely seemed to want marriage but then again he never got there with anyone before. By the way, we got along great and never argued...but then he could never discuss his inner feelings. I have moved on, but wonder. Thanks. -Wondering Woman

Dear Wondering Woman,
First of all, stop beating yourself up. That does you absolutely no good except reinforce your negative beliefs about yourself. It's not always a matter of having a man chase you more in the beginning. There are many factors to consider but my crystal ball is out being polished. He could be commitment phobic or a serial monogamist or maybe he's just in love with the idea of love, or maybe he just doesn't want to get married...or...or...or. The important question is what have you learned about yourself? And what have you learned about jumping into relationships too soon? Just because you have an instant attraction doesn't mean that you have to set up housekeeping or start picking out china patterns.

I know you're devastated and I can understand how you feel. Have your feelings -- but don't park there. The only stupid mistake is beating yourself up. Learn from your mistake and move on -- by this I mean get rid of the excess baggage from this relationship -- work it through and get yourself ready for the next one.

Call me if you would like to set up a session coaching session and get help in reclaiming your self-esteem and help so you will move on. To set up a telephone coaching session, call 323.860.0700.

And, just because you're 50, does that mean you always have to be perfect? I hope not. Life is about living and learning...and most importantly...loving ourselves and then others.

Q: Thanks for your help. Love your website. I was just wondering if you could help me with some thing. This guy has been flirting with me. When the quarter ended, he stopped talking with me. I really liked him a lot, so I asked him out to the dance and to just go out. He told my friend to tell me that he does not want to go to the dance with me, he doesn't want a date, and that he wants to go alone with a bunch of guys. I am really upset that he said no. But my question to you is what is he saying, does he hate me or he just does not want to go out with me? I really like him a lot, and I keep thinking about him 24 when I am by my self and there is nothing that I can do about it because I do try to get him out of my head but I never can. Please help! - Very Love Struck and Confused

Dear Very Love Struck and Confused,
First of all, stop obsessing. And no he doesn't hate you. He just doesn't want to go to the dance with you or on a date. Don't take things personally and don't make assumptions about what he's thinking. What he is doing is about him--not you! It's not you job to ask out guys--it's their job to ask you out. Continue to flirt, be nice and move on! Good luck.

Q: I've been seeing someone for a few months. When we first met, he pursued me very aggressively. Then last night, he called to inform me he doesn't have the time right now for a "commitment". That aspect had never come up before. I guess I'm doomed to let it go, but what happened?-Last Call

Dear Last Call,
You're right. Let it go. Move on. You can feel bad...for a moment...but don't park there.

There are a multitude of possible reasons but my crystal ball is out being polished. He could be commitment phobic, he could be afraid, he could be...

Remember, you only love those who love you. And if he doesn't want to be
with you...can you say, "Next"

Q: I consider myself a smart and wise 26 year old woman, however there is something that even though I am a woman I completely don't understand. Many of my female friends date guys, while not perfect, are close to it. Then from out of the blue, they end the relationship. Being a good friend I asked why and some of their answers were startling. Most of them have been over petty things like the color of his car or how he made a little mistake. Maybe there is something wrong with me since I don't understand this. In case you ask, most of my friends range from 18-45 years of age. However, I will say that if I ever met a man who cared about me and was always a gentleman to me, I would not dump him for no reason.-What's Up With Women

Dear What's Up With Women,
Many people think dating is a game and they are constantly "playing" the game. When they get tired of one game - they move on to the next player. They really aren't interested in a relationship or are afraid of a relationship and commitment.

My suggestion to you is get out there and date. Have a great - authentic relationship - and settle for nothing less. Just because your girl friends aren't for real - it doesn't mean that you should be.

Men like and appreciate women who are real. Of course, keep a little mystery about you - but always be genuine.

Q & A: "I'm not sure now if she is interested"

Q: I have known for Josh 2 weeks now. My friend told him that I wanted to take him to the dance and then the next day he wrote me this note: "I am sorry but I already have a date for the dance, I did not think I would meet you. If we would have meet earlier, I might have asked you to the dance, that is if you wanted to go."

What does his note mean? I know he likes me because he also said in the note, "we should talk some more, (he gave me his number) and we should get together this weekend. Call me and we will chat. He called me and we talked for almost 2 hours. What is he trying to say?-Too Late

Dear Too Late,
It may be too late to go to the dance with him, but never too late to start a wonderful friendship and relationship. He sounds like a great guy who is interested in you. He can't go to the dance with you because he already has a date that night.

Open up your ears and eyes. Listen to what he's saying and doing. Life doesn't always fit our picture. As John Lennon once said, "Life happens while we're busy making plans."

Q: First and foremost, please allow me to applaud your website and your advice. They are both stellar!

I dated this guy who I really liked. Things were really nice between the two of us. And then the time came for him to leave to study on the east coast. I really liked him and wished he didn't have to leave, however, I was very happy for him. With time I learned to let go of him and see him only as a friend.

He came back over Christmas. I saw him then. We ended up kissing, etc. Before he left he told me two things, to forget him and that he was dating someone else back east. I was hurt and I left it at that. However, later I found myself emailing him and sending him letters. Now, I find myself wanting to move on and wanting to hold on. I don't want to pursue him, but I want to stay in touch. Is staying in touch pursuing him? What should I do? -Pursuer or friend or clueless

Dear Pursuer or Friend or Clueless,
You say you're ready to move on but there's some baggage that you're carrying around with you. You need to get rid of it. You're holding on to what was and / or what could have been. You're not clueless at all. You know exactly what you're doing…but you don't know why you're doing it. Do you really just want to friends with no hidden agenda? I don't think so!

Q: I met a guy who answered my personal ad. We've gone out three times. We have a lot in common and he's a gentleman; but I'm not attracted to him. He called after our last date and asked me to go out just with him on his birthday. He's ready for a long-term relationship. I just got out of a 5-year relationship and want to date, but not seriously. What should I do?-Letting Him Down

Dear Letting Him Down,
Tell him the truth. The two of you are not on the same page and want different things out of life right now. After three dates you know if your want the fourth date. You don't, so wish him a happy birthday and move on.

Q: I met this wonderful woman through a new group of friends and we've been going out as a group for 2 months now. She is 27 years of age and I'm 37. Anyway, throughout our outings, I've gotten several hints and signals that she is interested in me. Example, she would always be by my side every time we go out or would ride with me in my car. She would also asked questions like what type of woman I look for and she seems to enjoy our conversations. Several times, she'd call me and ask to go out with her and some friends. Anyway, I felt it was time to ask her out which I did. She acted surprised but said yes anyway. On the day of the date, I called to confirm and she expressed she may not make it and she would call me back. She did not call after a couple of hours so I had to call her again. She then cancelled. I felt bad about it and thought she blew me off. She did not seem sorry nor did she try to make it up. I really like this girl and I'm not sure now if she is interested. Your advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks.-Getting Mixed Signals

Dear Getting Mixed Signals,
First things first. Don't take what someone else does personally. It's not about you. It's about her. She is the one who is exhibiting bad dating behavior and bad woman behavior.

Since you are both part of a group and will likely see each other, be cordial but not real friendly. Make it a point to ask another woman to ride in your car and make it a point to be with other women. If she likes you, she will not be too happy with the attention you're paying to other women. She will do something to get you interested again in her. And then you can decide if you want to play her game. It may be her move, but I suggest that you give her a run for her money and move on. Someone who is unavailable is often more attractive to people like her. Besides, February is the month of love. Follow my 28 ways to bring love into your life this month. Remember that, "Men and Women are like trains…another will be along in a few minutes. If the train doesn't stop at your station…it's not your train." Good luck. Let me and my readers know what happens.

Q & A: "She keeps staring and looking me straight in the eyes"

Q: You say give love? I gave and receive nothing except emotional pain. - Hurting

Dear Hurting, I know how painful this time must be for you. Sometimes when we open our hearts, they get stomped on. But if you stop giving love, you'll never receive love. Close your fist for a moment. Pretend it is your heart. As long as it is closed, nothing can ever come in. Think of what your life would be like without love. No open your fist and imagine what your life could be like filled with love. The next time you decide to give your love, choose a more worthy person.

Q: I am 18 years old and I l like this girl in my school. I have been crazy about her because of they way she looks at me. She keeps staring and looking me straight in the eyes. She smiles and sometimes she looks back and smiles when she is with her friend. Every time I am around her she stares at me like I am a ghost or something. Give me some advice. What does this mean? -18 and Clueless

Dear 18 and Clueless,
She's flirting with you. She is giving you feminine signals that she is friendly territory - so it's okay to go over and talk to her. She won't bite off your head or reject you.

What does this all mean? The bottom line is that it means she likes you. So take a breath and step up to the plate and ask her out. Good luck. I know you'll do fine.

Q: I am a very feminine woman. By that I mean that I dress feminine and conduct myself in stereotypical ways (which would appall feminists). My problem is that I find men today aren't as masculine as I would like. I have had a few men not pay for first dates, not open doors, in short, not treat me like a lady! Needless to say, it did not last.

Do you think young men today have lost all these wonderful, masculine qualities? You've said it time and time again: women want to be cherished. Any thoughts? - I Think I'm Feminine

Dear I Think I'm Feminine,
I don't think men have lost their wonderfully male and masculine traits. I think they still have them and it's up to us to elicit it in them.

We need to talk - I can't believe that you allowed a man to treat you other than the lady and Queen Bee that you are.

You need some advice and some coaching. Being feminine is not based on what you wear, but rather who you are and how you "BEE." It seems men are reacting to you instead of responding to you.

Q: There is this guy and his name is Mike. I really like him and he's already told me that he likes me. I think I like him to but he acts all mean in front of his friends and it hurts me. What do I do? -Likes Me but Acts Mean

Dear Likes Me but Acts Mean,
Mike is afraid of peer pressure. When the two of you are alone, let him know that YOUR FEELINGS ARE HURT WHEN HE ACTS MEAN TO YOU. Don't tell him that he hurts your feelings - because he can't. Only you can hurt your own feelings. Don't make him wrong. Remember my 3Cs - you never want to criticize, condemn or conquer a guy. If you make him wrong, he won't listen because his pride and ego will get in the way. Instead, let him know how you feel and that it's not okay for him to be mean to you. If he values you he will act differently. If he acts mean, withdraw but don't cut him off totally. Give him a chance to redeem himself. He's a guy and needs your feminine energy but, at the same time, draw a line in the sand and don't cross it. People will only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated.

Q: I have known this guy for a while and we finally are both single. I found out that he was interested in me so I decided to take the ball in my court and asked him out. He was flattered. In the past I have never been aggressive, in fact timid. Now it seems like we have clicked but how do I get him to pursue me now that I have started the ball rolling?
I get good vibes from him yet I have been hurt before and I am scared that it will happen again. It has been a week since our first date. -Made the First Move - Now What

Dear Made the First Move - Now What,

How you start a relationship is usually how the two of you wind up in a relationship. By taking the ball in your court and asking him out, you did his job for him. He has no incentive now that you've taken on the Wannabe role.
What should you do now? Back off and let him be the guy.

Q & A: "Dating Woman with Kids"

Q: Is it a good idea to date someone who has two kids as a result of a 10-year marriage? I have never been married.-Dating Woman with Kids

Dear Dating Woman with Kids,
It's only a good idea if you like kids, and you can park your ego in order to open up your heart to children who have been fathered by someone other than you. Children are wonderful. Don't limit yourself, just because you don't have any of your own.

However, don't get involved with a woman who has kids if you're not ready or not willing to love and accept her kids. Just remember, her kids are part of the package.

You mentioned that you've never been married. And your point is what? Dating isn't about scorecards. It's about two human beings desiring to get to know each other, about being vulnerable and intimate with each other. Whether one of the two parties has been married before isn't important, that is unless, divorce is one of your deal breakers.

Q: This guy friend of mine really likes me and wants to date. I'm very old-fashioned. He wants me to call him, and that's not what I go for. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't listen but I know he likes me. What should I do?-Old Fashioned Girl

Dear Old Fashioned Girl,
How you start a relationship is how you BEE in a relationship. So do you want to be the Queen Bee or not? That's your choice. It's obvious that this guy isn't shy because he told you what he wants. He wants you to call him. Tell him, in a feminine, open and vulnerable way, that you would love to hear from him (you're sending him the correct signal - now he has to pick up on it). Tell him that you are old fashioned and prefer for the man to call the woman. Put the ball and responsibility in his court. If he doesn't get the message, then you have two choices. You can do his job and call and ask him out (but in the end that won't really make you happy) or you can create some distance between you and in the process make yourself more desirable to him.

Remember, men are hunters. They like a challenge and a conquest. If he doesn't respond, you know what my answer is. Men and women are like trains…another will be along in a few minutes. Just say, "next!" Let me know how it plays out and whether the girl gets her man.

Q: I have been in a serious relationship for 2 years. I often find myself liking and being attracted to other males. I have broken the relationship several times to pursue these males. We are back together now. I now have a crush on a guy and I know he feels the same way. I do not want to break my relationship with my boyfriend again, because he is getting fed up. I would never cheat on him though. I don't know why this keeps happening to me because I think I am happy with my boyfriend. I am worried about his feelings.-Happy but Still Looking

Dear Happy but Still Looking,
First of all, you can't be in a serious relationship if you're still pursuing other guys. So get real. You're not worried about your boyfriend's feelings, you're worried about him dumping you if you decide to go after this new boy toy.

You play "the innocent girl" role really well. You probably deserve an Oscar for your performance. You claim you don't understand why this keeps happening to you, like it's beyond your control. Wake up girlfriend, this is not happening to you - you are intentionally creating this entire situation.

If you really care about your boyfriend and his feelings, put more of yourself and your focus into the relationship instead placing all your intention on being a man magnet / black widow spider and seeing how many men you can lure into your web. As Shakespeare once said, "Me thinks the lady doth protest too much."

You just might want to examine your intimacy issues. I think you have some work to do in this area.

Q: This guy I am dating was supposed to come over for dinner. He never showed up and never called, but when I talked to him he said he was sorry. He said that he didn't think I wanted to talk to him and that is why he didn't call. Am I wasting my time with him?-He Never Showed Up

Dear He Never Showed Up,
If he never called, then how did you "talk" to him? Hmm, let me guess. You called him to ask him why he didn't show up or call?

Are you wasting your time? Connect the dots and then you be the judge. Here are the facts: you cooked, he didn't call or show up and you called him.

In calling, you found out that he wasn't in the hospital, that he wasn't dead, and that he still had all his dialing fingers. But you also found out something else. He's selfish, inconsiderate, cowardly, and has no cohones. His actions speak louder than his words. He definitely doesn't cherish you.

Remember following:

  • You only love those who love you. And does he?

  • The one who cares least and is least invested in the relationship controls the relationship. Which role do you think you're playing?

  • A man or woman will only treat you the way you expect to be treated.

Are you connecting the dots? What's the big picture look like? Let me sum it up for you: "Men and women are like trains, another will be along in a few minutes. If a train doesn't stop at your station…then it's not your train. He's not your train. Just say, "NEXT."

Q & A: "Is This Just About Sex?"

Q: I have a little problem. There was this guy, who I used to say hi & have small talk with. Recently he said he would like the opportunity to know me better. Our first two encounters were cool, but then we had sex. The sex was so mind-blowing I really didn't care if he called me back or not (but you know secretly I really wanted him to call). A couple of days after our encounter I received a voicemail from him saying that I better not have lost respect for him, blah, blah, blah. So, we went out a couple time after that, and had sex again (just once). He calls me, we talk, but I'm wondering if it's just a sex thing, or is he really interested? He's extremely handsome and attractive as hell. What lady wouldn't want to get with him. I really like him, but I'm trying to play it cool. Does this new friendship have potential to blossom into something more? Is he really interested in me? -Is This Just About Sex

Dear Is This Just About Sex,
Are you sure you're interested in dating or friendship with this man? Sounds to me that you're just interested in "a close encounter." Do you always sleep with your friends and make them your bosom buddies?

You want to find out if he's really interested in you, then close your legs and instead of spending time getting to know each other's bodies, spend time getting to know each

Q: I am very interested in a guy I met about a month ago. He is the first guy in a couple of years that has made me look twice. We have only been on one official date and the other few times were spent with his two children whom he has custody of. (They are great kids and we get along just fine.) I am 36 and do not have children. I am accustomed to having the freedom to go and have fun whenever I choose. My problem is that I have recently turned down several offers to date other guys that have more time to spend with me. Should I "hold out" for this one guy or start having a social life again?-So Many Men

Dear So Many Men,
I can appreciate the fact that you really like this guy but you've only had one date with him. You haven't been drafted yet, so you're still a free agent. No one's forcing you to turn down these other guys. The bigger issue is that the guy you like has a significantly different lifestyle than you. He shares his life with his kids. You have only you, so you're free to do what you want when you want. You can be self-absorbed and totally self-involved, which you seem to be. He can't. He's responsible for two other lives and is trying to juggle a lot of balls in the air.

When he calls and asks you out, tell him how much you admire and respect his ability to handle all these things effectively and still have time to see you. Let him know that you enjoy the time you two have together. In the meantime, go out with those other guys, get a puppy to fill your time, or better yet - do some volunteer work and get outside yourself.

Q: I hope you can help me. A few years ago, I met my "dream" girl. She is beautiful yet mysterious in a way. We went out on a few dates and then our shyness for one another pulled us apart. I ended up moving to a neighboring state. Now we write all the time... but the whole time I've known her, I could never tell if she really liked me. We kissed when we first met and when I write her, she writes me back the same day. We are both going to be moving nearby each other again in the future. She is all I ever think about but never can seem to get her. What do I do?-Waiting For a Sign

Dear Waiting For a Sign,
Didn't you learn anything from September 11th? There are no guarantees. All you have is today. Stop waiting for your life to begin. This is your life right now. It's up to you to decide how you want to live it.

Let her know how you feel. What's the worst thing that can happen? She'll say she doesn't feel the same way. What's the best thing that can happen? You won't know that until you try. Perhaps your dreams will come true and you'll get the girl! In any event, you'll know and finally have some peace of mind. Don't let your shyness get in the way of potential happiness. I say "Make the call…now!"

Q & A: "He's Divorced I've Never Married"

Q: I just got back from vacation yesterday. Last year I met this girl and we have kept in touch. Since she is at the same timeshare, we saw each other. I am starting to like her a lot. I always have but I haven't had the guts to tell her. She lives three hours away. I really want to tell her how I feel but I don't know how she will react. I think she likes me too. I want to be in a relationship with her.-Afraid to Call

Dear Afraid to Call,
Where have you been for the last two months? With your head buried in the sand at your timeshare? Haven't you learned anything from the events of September 11th? All you have is right now. Ask yourself this question, do you want to wait for your life to start happening or do you want to start really living your life now?

Either buy a ticket and get on the roller coaster highway of life or be content sitting on the side of the road watching all the girls go by.

You can stay in your fear and keep pining away for her and do nothing but grow older and alone, or, you can take a risk and make the call. Don't make it heavy. You're not ready to start picking out china patterns together. Instead, when you call, tell her that you'd like to get to know her better and that you both have a lot in common. And then ask her out for Sunday brunch (that gives you time to get there and back if you're going to drive. If you both live in major cities, perhaps you could fly there for dinner.)

As for how she's going to react, you'll never know until you make the call. And I don't know because my crystal ball is in the shop being polished. So I guess you'll just have to call and find out for yourself. Here are some words of wisdom. Don't sound desperate whatever you do. And make up your mind ahead of time, before you make the call, that whatever happens you won't take it personally. And, don't make assumptions about what she is thinking or what she will think unless you have an advanced degree in mind reading.

I have a good feeling about this. Let me know how it turns out.

Q: I am dating this guy for about four months now. He recently told me that he was divorced. I thought all along he was single, never been married. I don't know what else he hasn't told me yet. Is it right to wait this long to tell someone about your marital status?

I have feelings for him and so does he. I'm not very experienced in the dating area and my parents don't know if I should continue this relationship due to fact that he's divorced and I've never been married. I'm also not sure what I will get myself into if I stay with him.-He's Divorced I've Never Married

Dear He's Divorced I've Never Married,
If divorce is against your religion or you really think divorced people are horrible, stupid and incapable of lasting love because they have made a mistake in their life, then don't go out with this man anymore. It's that simple. Just because a person is divorced, doesn't make him or her a bad person. I'm divorced and I'm a great person. The way you write about him being divorced and you being single, it's almost as if you really think you're both from different planets.

I want you to look at your relationship for a moment. In spite of the fact that you've never been married and he has the "D" stigma (according to you), you both have feelings for each other. He must be a nice guy. After all, you're seeing him. And I imagine that he cherishes you and treats you like the Queen Bee that you are.

Personally, I don't' think it's necessary for divorced men and women to wear a scarlet letter "D" on their clothing. You might think otherwise.

It seems to me that you have a lot of trust issues. I don't know if that's because you're young, don't have a lot of dating experience, or because you haven't worked on yourself and dealt with your issues. In any case, relationships always give you the opportunity to grow. They always bring up those issues that are uncomfortable for you.

I know, you wish your skeletons would stay in the closet. But they are out now, so you might as well deal with them. If you don't deal with your issues now, you will have to deal with them later. You might want to consider getting some help to learn how to deal with your trust issues.

Q: My girlfriend thinks I'm a complex and complicated guy. What should I do? She might break up with me.-Just Being A Guy

Dear Just Being A Guy,
Your girlfriend thinks you are complex and complicated because you're probably not paying enough attention to her. And, I'll bet you're not communicating with her, so she doesn't have clue what you're thinking and feeling. I'm not telling you to spill your guts, but I am suggesting that you open your ears and your mouth more.

Women and men think and feel differently. They therefore, often, have very different perspectives about the same incident or issue. They bring these perspectives to their relationship. Therefore, in order for your partner to understand you and "where you're coming from," it's important to share your perspective. Women are big on sharing. And men who want to be with awesome women, learn how to share too.

So what do you want? You want to just be a guy and be alone? or are you willing to share? That means you'll have to learn to share you with your girlfriend. It's your choices.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Q & A: "boyfriend has been hanging out with his ex"

Q: I met the man of my dreams over a year ago on a love personal. I had one on there and he answered my ad. We started talking and talked for about a month, then decided to meet. You know, meeting for the first time is always the most nervous part of it. We decided to meet for an early dinner. I suggested that if it didn't go we would only have to suffer 30 to 60 minutes. I have had ones before that didn't go well for some reason or another.

Anyway we had a wonderful dinner. We got along great and I thought this man is really nice. We left and he walked me to my car and shook my hand (imagine that he didn't even try to get a kiss). When he walked me to my car he asked me if he could take me to dinner the next week. O course I said "yes." We talked via computer off and on all weekend. I couldn't wait until Tuesday when he took me out. The guy I was currently dating asked me out for Tuesday and I said "no." We went to dinner at a Mexican place, which I don't like very well but since he suggested it I went along with it. Then we went back to my apartment and watched a movie. Most of the guys I had dated were usually all over me but not him. He barely touched my hand. Well that was the start of something wonderful. He was such a gentleman and still is. Opens doors and car doors for me. He loves animals as much as I do which is a real plus. And has a wonderful sense of humor.

It had been over 3 weeks of us dating and I was coming up to his house for the weekend to help him paint his computer room. I had painted stars and moons on my walls at the apartment and he liked them so I told him I would paint his. I really think he was just saying that to get me up there. I had told him before that I am really a kid at heart and I just love to jump on beds and chew bubble gum. Anyway I arrived and he took my bag to his bedroom and said that he would sleep in on the fold out couch in the living room and I could have the bedroom. When I walked into the bedroom to put my purse down there across the bed was a big X in yellow caution tape. He put an X there so that I wouldn't jump there and get caught in his ceiling fan. I knew from that moment that this was the man for me. I thought that was the most amazing thing anyone could ever do.

That incident had been over a year ago and after our second date we both quit dating anyone else. We are planning on moving in together in March when my apartment lease is up. I can't wait. I just wanted to let everyone know that there is a someone out there for them. The Internet isn't for everyone and, sure there is a lot of strange people but I have also met some good friends via the Internet.

Thanks for letting me share my story with you all.-Happy Ending Trudy

Dear Happy Ending Trudy,
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Congratulations! I wish both of you much happiness together.

Just one question, why are you moving in together? Are you planning on playing house or do you two have a real commitment that's for the long-term? Just so you know, statistically, couples who don't live together before marriage have a better track record in staying married. You may want to rethink your decision and consider long-term planning vs. short-term planning. I don't mean to be the bearer of gloom and doom, but I do feel that you should be aware of that fact.

Again, thank you for sharing your happiness with all of us. I always love happy endings and when one believes in happy endings, that's what they will see in their lives.

Q: I am in a relationship and it is going fine and dandy, but I worry about her once in awhile. Is that healthy to worry like that?-Sometimes Worried

Dear Sometimes Worried,
When we don't feel deserving of the amount of happiness, peace, and contentment that you're feeling right now, we get scared. When we get that much goodness and happiness in our lives, we become afraid that "it's too good to be true" and that we are going to wake up from the "dream" at any moment.

Start realizing right now that you do deserve this wonderful woman; that you absolutely deserve to be in a happy and loving relationship, that she really does care about you because you are lovable, and know that you created this wonderful relationship by being a loving guy and the best man you know how to be. Whenever you get worried - feel the fear but don't let it stop you or get in the way of you being and becoming more of you.

Q: I have been in love with a guy for quite a long time. I think he loves me too. We use to chat but he always stops his conversation after fifteen minutes. Now he never approaches me first. What should I do?-Unsure about My Online Love

Dear Unsure about My Online Love,
I don't think you're going to like what I have to say. Don't shoot the messenger just because you don't like the message. First of all, you're probably infatuated with this guy and not really in love with him. My take is that you have never even met - so two people at the keyboard of their computers are sharing some time together - that's not love.

Second of all, since he no longer is approaching you first, it seems to me that the handwriting is on the wall…or should I say on the compute screen? He's not pursuing you so back off. Don't approach him (even though I know you want to and your fingers are just dying to reach out and touch those keys with words of love). If he wants you, he knows where and how to find you. As long as you chase him, you'll never really know if he does want to connect with you because you're doing the chasing. Queen Bees "be." They attract the Wannabes who are the "doers (trollers). Men troll because they wannabe with women.

If he's not trolling for you, then he's not interested. And if he's not interested, then you don't want him. Remember that: "You only love those who love you." Since men (and women) are like trains, another one will be along in a few minutes. And, if a particular train doesn't stop at your station…then guess what! It's not your train.

Q: I'm hoping you can help me. I just started getting to know this great guy I met, Todd, last month. He's been doing all the calling / pursuing...lots of phone calls, but only one date so far due to conflicting work schedules, relatives in town, etc. We get along great, are very attracted to each other, and have tons of stuff in common.

The only problem is that his ex just moved back to town. (Ugh!) They have been hanging out a few nights and when I asked him point-blank (because that's the way I am...I don't mess with guys who have girlfriends or with relationships that I know aren't going to go anywhere, why waste my time?) he replied "I don't know...we haven't talked in about a year and a half, so we're just getting to know one another again."

I guess my question is "what should I do?" End things even if he calls again? Do I ask for a status report the next time I talk to him?

I'd also like to know you're thoughts / experiences with people going out with exes again. My feelings are "if it didn't work the first time, obviously there was something wrong. Why would it work a second time around?" But I know people mature and all that... So what do you think? Please help!-In Limbo in Seattle

Dear In Limbo in Seattle,
How do you know that a "relationship" is or isn't going anywhere...after only one date? Most people have to date a while before they even begin a "relationship." But you're amazing. You're better than my crystal ball, which, unfortunately, is in the shop right now for polishing. Otherwise I would definitely ask it about your one date "relationship."

It sounds to me (now don't shoot the messenger just because you don't like the message) that you're a bit afraid of opening your heart because you've been burned in the past. You don't live in the realm of trust and so you go into every date and relationship with doubt and fear that it won't work out. You're so afraid of getting your heart broken again that you overprotect it to the point of not really letting anyone into your heart. Tear down the walls or at least let's put some chinks in the armor. Here's the good news - even the Berlin Wall eventually came down. So there's hope for you.

I know you want a guarantee when it comes to love and relationships, but there aren't any. Magic happens when you live outside the box and give up control (and wanting a guarantee or one year warranty). You need to open your heart and keep it open. You need to start practicing the V word…vulnerability (I know what you're saying to yourself, "No, not that. Anything but vulnerability.").

He is a free agent so he has the right to see and talk to whomever he wants to, including ex-girlfriends. As far as relationships working out the second time around, I believe that sometimes you can go home again and sometimes it's just better to move to a new neighborhood or city and create a new home.

Sometimes the timing isn't right the first time and so you give it a second try. It's better to give love a chance the second time around rather than living a lifetime of regrets. Believe me, it's so freeing to know rather than just wishing.

Other times, the things that made the relationship not work the first time usually cause it not to work the second time…that is, unless both have done some work on themselves and are ready to really have a relationship. Great relationships have passion, emotional intimacy (which has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with both people's willingness to be in the relationship - including being honest with themselves and each other, being present in the relationship and communicating openly and honestly from the heart), and commitment.

Here's a suggestion that can help you in every aspect of your life and with virtually every kind of relationship. When you ask a question of someone…be open to the answer. Don't answer your own question. If you think you already have the answer, then you're certainly not open to what someone else has to say (even though you asked him or her the questions) which means you may hear people but you really don't listen.

Good listening skills are essential to any relationship. So learn to listen to people when they are talking with you. Learn to really be with them. Good listening skills are critical for effective communication skills. The success of all your relationships - professional and personally - depend on your ability to communicate effectively.

In the meantime, turn off your Alpha Female style and become your feminine self. Keep all lines of communication open with him. Don't burn any bridges. But, at the same time, don't put all your eggs in one basket. If I were you, I would take his phone calls but I would make them very brief and get off the phone first. I would appear a little less interested and really allow him to pursue you. I wouldn't mention his ex. Right now, as a free agent, he is acting like a free agent. He's exploring all options just as you should be. Become really self-confident. Don't be or even appear needy and desperate. Bee authentic - be the Queen Bee. I know this isn't easy, but I know you can do it.

Q & A: "she said, 'could we be just friends?'"

Q: I asked this girl out on a date and she said yes when I asked her in person. She gave me her phone number and address. I called her the next day, but her mom made an excuse that she was sick, and before that, her mom took down my number to have her call me back. Unfortunately, I never heard from her. So is she trying to tell me no? Should I buy a get-well gift for her since she's sick to show I care?-She Said Yes But

Dear She Said Yes But,
I'm sorry to tell you this but don't buy her a gift. She's just not interested in you. Don't take it personally. She said yes in person because she didn't know what else to do. As far as her mother is concerned, her mom shouldn't have made an excuse for daughter. That's not teaching her good values. It seems the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I think the fruit just may be rotten from that tree.

Q: I am a 19-year-old woman with average looks. I have had 2 past relationships before. Before I stumbled onto your site, I took my own initiative to ask a guy I liked out. I called him and he responded positively. I even asked him out for dinner (which wasn't a very good idea). After that, whenever we see each other, we would smile, but nothing more. I don't think I went too fast on him because I knew him for 3 months before I actually called him.

Does this mean that he isn't interested in me? I feel rejected although he didn't explicitly say anything to me.-Joy

Dear Joy,
You weren't acting like a Queen Bee. You were acting like an Alpha Female. Do you want to be the man or the woman in the relationship? In this situation you were acting like the guy. In fact, you did his job. It's great to flirt to let a man know that you're interested but it's his job to ask you out. It's your job to accept or not accept. As far as rejection goes, the only person who can reject you is you. You need to do some work on your self-esteem and dating habits.

You can set up a phone session with a credit card through my site. We need to do some work to have you be the Queen Bee. You're only 19. You can learn and you can get good self-esteem and confidence. I look forward to working with you and helping you date better. You deserve to live and love full out.

Q: I just started listening to your radio show on Sunday nights. I really love it. I want your opinion on these dating services (clubs) that charge up to $3,000 to join. Do you think they necessarily introduce you to more quality men? After all, anyone can use his or her charge card for joining. A friend of mine joined a very expensive club and they didn't check her out prior to joining. They just charged her card and said she was in. What do you think?-Yes or No to Expensive Dating Services

Dear Yes or No to Expensive Dating Services,
Thanks for listening to my radio show. I glad you like it. I hope you will continue to listen and will tell your friends to listen every Sunday from 10-midnight PDT.

There are a vast number of dating services and clubs. I don't know everything about every one of them. But this I do know. Just because a membership fee to a certain club is more expensive, doesn't mean it's always better a better club. I would ask the following questions. How many dates do they guarantee you? Do they pre-screen the men and women to make sure that they qualify? What's the gender and age split? What's their success rate? Do they offer a money back guarantee? Get a list of satisfied members. Call them and ask them about their experiences.

Expensive dating services can be like many health clubs -they really care about you until you've signed up. You often become their new best friend…until you've signed on the dotted line. They make their money when they sign you up. When men and women "desperately" want something, it's easy to grab onto to something…anything. This is particularly true when it comes to love. We all want and need love. And in our quest, we often don't leave any stone unturned…no matter how expensive it is.

I feel that if all these expensive dating services were as good as their claims, then there would be a lot less single people around, but you need to decide for yourself. You might want to consider some other options first before you sign on the dotted line. Let's talk about your other options. Call the show Sunday or give me a call to set up a session.

Q: I am 15 and I just fell in love with this girl the first time I met her. She is my first love. She is a year younger than me. My family has always used the courting methods and so did I. She is pure, holy, innocent, sweet, pretty and caring. I love her dearly. I met her in my church. I made friends with her, telling jokes to her, giving her a hand, etc. She smiled most of the time. I thought she loved me too but when I asked her, she said, "could we be just friends?" This hurts me so much. But I still love her and continue being friends with her. What should I do to make her love me?-Crazy about Her

Dear Crazy about Her,
First love is so precious and special, but can also be heartbreaking. There's nothing worse than unrequited love. Everyone hates it when they love someone and the other person doesn't love them back. It's so painful.

I'm sorry to tell you this but you can't make her or anyone else love you. You can invite her to get to know you and share some experiences with you. The more familiar two people get and the more they share common experiences, special moments and laughter, sometimes their friendship grows and blossoms into something more. Sorry, but my crystal ball is being polished and I'm all out of ESP pills, so I can predict whether she will eventually love you back. But this I do know. If you like her, enjoy her company and want to be with her, then continue to build the friendship and see where it goes.

Give up any expectations and you won't be disappointed. You'll simply be present when you're with her and you'll enjoy the your time together for what it is - two people who enjoy each other's company.

Q & A: "I am so in love with this guy but I think he doesn't even notice me!"

Q: I'm making a change in my life by staying sober. I had to let my sponsor go because she told me that I couldn't date for the first year of my sobriety. I thought that was a little old- fashioned. Do you think dating is okay for me or do you think she was right about not dating? -Staying Sober

Dear Staying Sober,
Do you want to be right or be sober? Your sponsor has been where you've been and knows what it's like. I suggest that you listen to her if you're serious about being sober, staying sober, and having a wonderful relationship after you've done the work on yourself.

Q: Last year I took myself off of all online dating services after meeting so many men who hid in safe harbor of the almighty box. I actually giggled and ceremonious chuckle when I pushed the last button to release myself from cyber-hell. I had a long stretch off being happily alone (with many friends). During that time I was able to start my own business and I was very content. I find I still don't need a man but I sure would not mind cuddling up on Sundays with a special mate. Two and one half months ago I started dating another man who I met through a client. He is a widower. He is a very decent man and I am in that insecure phase where I am feeling vulnerable and feel like I need more but I am afraid to ask. He has a full life of friends and I feel as though I am compartmentalized and he is quite content seeing me once a week. I don't know if we have the same goals. I suppose I could ask, but we have only been dating for two and a half months. Any advice? -In the Insecure Phase

Dear In the Insecure Phase,
Dating can be hell because it really can make you crazy, insecure and lose perspective. As soon as we let down our protective shields, we become vulnerable. And that's hard - for all of us. So you're not the lone ranger.

You sound like a woman who is content with herself and that is quite excellent. Don't let your fears and insecurities shake that core. Feel the fear and do it anyway - keep being who you are.

I don't know if you both do or don't want the same thing. My crystal ball is in the shop for polishing . But, after almost three months, it is okay to talk about your goals. No, you're not asking him if the two of you are going to be picking out china patterns in the near future, but you do want a sense if the two of you are going in the same direction. If he wants a weekly date and you want a relationship, then you want different things. But you won't know that until the two of you talk. Be your feminine self and talk and find out what you both want and then decide what you want to do. Remember, one of my top two beliefs about dating are: Don't take things personally and don't make assumptions. Good luck.

Q: I'm an extremely outgoing person. There is someone I have a crush on that I met through an online service. I sent him info about CHAT and a lengthy email. How do you wait for him to make a move? My whole life I've gone after everything - the job, home, etc. like a mad woman. I have a hard time dealing with matters that are not based on logic. My nature is to seek out and zero in for the *kill* in this case love of course. How do you stop being rational and aggressive in this matter? -Too Aggressive

Dear Too Aggressive,
Love is a matter of the heart. To experience love you can't think it, you have to feel it and that means opening yourself up. Joan of Arc, it's time to take off your armor and stop being ready for battle all the time. You're always looking for the next conquest to validate you and reinforce how worthy you are. Here's the secret. The conquest doesn't make your more worthy; it just makes you a busy worker bee. Here's a tremendous opportunity for you. Make a choice. Do you want to be a Queen Bee or a worker bee?

The reason you have to be rational all the time is because you want to be in control. You're terrified of the unknown, so you compartmentalize everything and put it in a nice neat box. That's all your masculine energy.

The secret is that magic, creation, and the birth of ideas and happiness happen when you're in your feminine energy. The reasons that your "whole life you've gone after everything" in an aggressive and pushy way are: 1. You were taught to do that that either from your mom or your culture 2. You don't believe that you deserve to have what you want or that you can have what you want so you keep chasing anything and everything in order to validate yourself.

In order to stop being an Alpha Female - feminist and start becoming a Queen Bee - feminine, you have to do four things: love yourself, get out of your head and into your heart, make up a new belief system that you are worthy to have what you want, and slow down-stop running around trying to make things happen and allow things to happen. You're doing all the pursuing. As a woman, in matters of the heart, it's your job to be pursued. Stop doing the man's job of trolling and looking for someone. Be like the Queen Bee and attract the Wannabes. Stand still long enough to be found. If you really want to stop being an Alpha Female and you're in LA, take one of my workshops for Alpha Females. Otherwise, get some coaching. Call me at 310.394.2647.

Q: I was wondering if you have any advice for me on getting cheated on. My boyfriend was going out on me and he lied. Should I confront him? I feel so stupid. Should I get even? What should I do? -Cheated On

Dear Cheated On,
If you know that he cheated on you, then you definitely need to talk with him. You noticed that I used the word talk and not confront. Confrontation usually meets with confrontation and doesn't resolve anything. It only creates more anger and resentment. You'll do the attacking and he'll feel attacked. Great! Now you're both filled with emotion and you've resolved nothing.

Be a lady. Talk with him and tell him how you feel. Let him know that you only go out with men who cherish you and it's obvious that he doesn't, since he went out on you. Tell him that you feel betrayed, that he betrayed your trust, and you really don't know if you will be able to trust him again. The truth is that relationships are based on trust and if you two don't have trust you don't have a relationship. Therefore, you need to take a step back from this relationship. Either stop seeing him or cut way back until he proves to you that he is worthy of going out with you again.

Don't try to even. It's not worth it. It won't say much for you as a person. And besides, revenge is such a waste of time and energy. Rather than do that, move on to a man who will love and cherish you and who will be faithful.

Q: I am so in love with this guy but to me I think he doesn't even notice me! Maybe I am wrong. Is there anyway I can find out without being too forward? -Love from Afar in London
Dear Love from Afar in London,
Smile at him. Be friendly and flirt. Flirting is a way of letting someone know that you'd like to get to know him or her better. Put out the signals and wait to see if he picks up on them. If he does…keep putting out those signals. If not, then use those signals to attract someone else. Remember, men and women are like trains…another one will be along. If the train doesn't stop at your station…it's not your train.

Of course, if this guy is really shy and terrified of rejection, as many men are, be extra friendly and let him know that he won't be rejected by you. You can lead a horse to water but if he isn't thirsty, he isn't going to drink. If that's the case, put your lips together and just say, "Next!" Don't waste your time and your life loving anyone who doesn't love you. It only keeps you alone and separate. Plus it will only reinforce your belief that no one can or will love you. So, do you want to be right about not being lovable or do you want to have a relationship? The choice is yours. Let me know which you choose.

Q & A: "I don't know what to say to her if I do see her alone"

Q: I am a 24-year-old straight guy. I'm not seeing anybody at the moment, however I think I really love the woman I see often getting on the same bus as me. I can't speak to her, as she's always with her friend on the bus. And I don't know what to say to her if I do see her alone. Please help!-What Do I Say

Dear What Do I Say,
I know you're shy and afraid of being rejected. Guess what? No one wants to get rejected. And, we're all afraid of looking stupid and not being liked. So get over yourself. Believe me, the more you put yourself out there, the easier it gets. Take a deep breath - feel your fear - and say hello anyway. I promise you - you won't die. I know you will feel like you are going to die, but you won't. You'll probably be sweating to death(so carry a towel) and feeling awkward and stupid, but awkwardness, sweating, and feeling stupid never killed anyone.

Ask yourself this question, do you want to be right and alone or do you want to take a risk and perhaps connect with a wonderful woman?

As for loving this woman, that's a little dramatic. You don't even know her yet. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. The truth is that you see this girl on the bus and you'd like to get to know her. Everything else is up for grabs at this point.

You need a strategy and game plan. Here it is. When you see her on the bus, smile at her at say "Hi." The next time you see her, say "Hi" again and, then look at her directly, but also include the friend in the conversation (you don't want to appear rude) and tell them that it seems we're often on the same bus. Isn't that an interesting coincidence? Tell her the reason that you're on the bus, either going to or from work or shopping or visiting a relative/friend or whatever the reason is. Then ask her where she is going. And then, quite nonchalantly, tell her your name and ask both of them their names. Again, you don't want to leave the friend out - but you do want to make it clear that your interest is in one of the women. The third time you see her (or if the conversation is flowing and going extremely well you can do this the second time you see her), you can suggest that two of you meet for a coffee. Ask her for her number and if she's reluctant to give it to you, then make a date with her right then and there - include day, place and time. Close the deal. And, give her your number just to show that you're for real.

Remember, it takes guts to go after what you want. No guts no reward. You can ride the bus forever admiring this girl from afar, or you can do something about making your dream a reality. It's your choice.

In order to have guts, you have to be willing to risk rejection. I'm not saying you're going to be rejected; you just have to be okay with being rejected in the event that she's not available or interested. However, here's the secret to why you can take this action and survive, no matter what happens. If she happens to say no, don't take it personally. It's not about you. It's about her. And don't make assumptions about what she is or isn't thinking.

The way to get over shyness and fear is to be on the playing field. The more you're out there playing, the more experience you'll have in a variety of situations, and the more confidence you'll build. I say go for it. And let me know what happens.

Q: I'm involved in a long distance relationship for the last four months and I have accused my girlfriend of cheating on me over the phone because I have heard strange noises in the background. For example, I heard a loud slapping noise and she told me she hit herself in the face but the noise sounded just like someone hitting her on her thigh. I confronted her about it and she attacked me by saying that I always hear what I want to hear but I know that my hearing is ok. I passed my naval health examination. My question is this my imagination or is this real and how do I go about re-establishing trust in our relationship?-Want to Trust Again

Dear Want to Trust Again,
I don't know whether she is or isn't cheating, but I do know that without trust your relationship is doomed, especially a long distance relationship. A long distance relationship is hard enough to keep, but when you add doubt and distrust to it, let's just say, if I did have a crystal ball and if I did look into it, I wouldn't see you two as the dynamic duo. A relationship without trust is not a healthy relationship and has no place to go but down.

First question: Do you have any reason or evidence to believe or suspect that your girlfriend would cheat on you or are you just feeling insecure?

Second question: Instead of being accusatory and putting her on the defensive, why don't the two of you have an honest conversation about how each of you are feeling? And really listen to each other - what each other is saying and not saying. It doesn't take rocket science to listen. It takes caring and compassion, and it's even easy to do when you really care about someone.

We all hear what we want to hear. It usually has nothing to do with our hearing - but everything to do with our consciousness, how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about the other person, and our excess relationship baggage that we carry around.

I suggest that both of you start communicating better - it's not only about talking to each other but it also means really listening to each other. And give each other permission to be real, authentic, honest, and vulnerable.

Also, start remembering the reason why you are in the relationship with this person and where you would like to see this relationship go. Once you are clear about those two things, it will be much easier for you, for both of you, to create a stronger foundation together.

The way to re-establish trust is to start trusting the person 100%. Put both feet into the relationship. Just as you can't be a little pregnant, you can't be a just a little trusting in a relationship and expect it to blossom.

Q: About two months ago, my girlfriend of 10 months ended our relationship. She said she was scared, that she didn't think she was still "in love", but that she would always love me and that hopefully someday we could again be best friends.

The weeks that followed started out with us actually talking a lot. We even kissed on occasion, but then she decided to end that also. We didn't talk for two weeks, but suddenly two weeks ago she started calling. We started talking again and things quickly escalated. Two nights ago she woke me up and told me that she loved me and always had. Then last night she told me that she was really confused and that she wanted to date around.

She's only 19 and I'm 23, but I love her and want to spend my life with her. She has made me a better person and I know she loves me, but she is scared. What do I do, how do I act? I tell her that I am there to be supportive, but I don't think it's enough. Any advice you can provide to help me save our love or help me move on and maintain our friendship?-Heartbroken an Scared

Dear Heartbroken an Scared,
Based on your letter, I absolutely believe that your girlfriend loves you, but that she's terrified to make a commitment. There is nothing you can do to make her make that commitment if she's not ready.

In order for your relationship to work you both have to be on the same page and both ready. Unfortunately, you're both not in the same place at this time. My suggestion is for you to tell her that you love her and because you do, you're setting her free to date others. But because you're not a ping-pong ball but a human being with a heart that can love and break, you can't be friends. There's too much emotion and connection between the two of you to just be friends.

Therefore, if she wants to date others, wish her well and move on. Don't shut the door on her, but leave it open. When and if she makes up her mind and if you're still available, then perhaps the two of you can start planning a life together. In the meantime…the beat goes on and so should you. Otherwise, she'll stay on the fence - one day she will be ready to pick out china patterns and the next day she will want to date others. If you want to be on a roller coaster, go to Disney Land. At least there you know the ride doesn't go on forever.

Q: I just recently started dating this guy and I fell in love with him immediately. One issue though is that he is white and I'm black which is not a problem, but it just seems like there are a lot of things he does not understand and I constantly find myself explaining. In the beginning everything was perfect, like all relationships, but then all of a sudden once he found out my financial situation, I find him always fussing at me if I spend a dollar.

What happened to him loving me for me? I find him pushing - not encouraging at all. For past 5 days all we've done is argue about my bills, or me finding another job, and not just that, but I think he feels like because he makes more money than me that he has total control and I have no options. So what do I do in a situation like this? I don't want to lose him, but I'm tired of his constant complaining. - How Do I Keep the Love

Dear How Do I Keep the Love,
Can you say control freak? He doesn't want to love you; he wants to control you, the money, and the relationship. Relationships are built on mutual love, trust, dignity and respect. How many of those describe your relationship?

You have plenty of options. Which one do you want to exercise? A man will only treat you the way you expect and allow him to treat you. Stop arguing. In a calm, feminine, powerful way, if you don't like the way he is treating you, let him know. Then, if he continues same behavior, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and maintain your self-dignity, self-respect, and self-esteem.

I think you both would benefit from some relationship coaching - especially him. I just happen to know a great relationship coach. Call me at 310.394.2647.

And, by the way, if race isn't an issue in your relationship, why did you bring it up in your letter? For your information, there's a huge difference between racial and cultural issues.

Q: I've known this guy for about a year now and I'm starting to fall in love with him. He told me he likes me and he knows I like him but no one ever asks for a relationship. I am at the point in my life where I want a relationship and I want it with him. So, should I wait on him to ask or should I be the one to ask? Another problem is that I might be moving to Ohio. So should I still want a relationship even if it's a long distance one or should we just remain friends? - Want More than Friendship

Dear Want More Than Friendship,
Are you two dating or just friends? If you're dating and you want it to go to the next step, as in having a committed relationship, you might want to let him know where you are and what you want out of life and that you might be moving to Ohio. Share your feelings and your hopes for your life in the future and see how he responds. As a woman, it's your job to create the opening. It's his job to walk through the door…or not. And, if he isn't willing or doesn't want to walk through the door, after you've told him what you want, then it's time to move on. Remember, men…and women are like trains, another one will be along. If a train doesn't stop at your station, then it isn't your train.

You can only open the door (and that's what you do with feminine energy). It's his choice whether he wants to walk through it (that's masculine energy). If he does, that's great. The two of you will handle the long-distance part of it. If not, you can be distant…and I do mean distant (even if you're in the same city) friends. The reason for this is, that according to the law of physics, two things can't occupy the same space at the same time. You can't just be friends with a person who you are in love with. You'll end up living a life of yearning for love instead of living a life of having love.

Q: I' m only 18 and the guy I've been on and off for a year and a half is right now confused about being with me or not. At first he wanted to stop dating, so we did. Then two days after I started dating another guy, he starts calling me again. This is driving me crazy. What do I do? - Should I Go Back to Him or Move on
Dear Should I Go Back to Him or Move on,
If he's confused, let him stay that way until he can make up his mind. It's not your problem, so don't make it your problem. It sounds to me that he's quite competitive and loves the chase. As long as no one else was interested in you, neither was he…really. But as soon as someone else wants what he considers "his woman," he wants you back.

Well my dear, don't be so available. Value yourself more and then so will he. Remember, a man will only treat you the way you treat yourself. So if you don't value you, he won't either. I wouldn't stop dating the new guy because your old boyfriend wants you back. It seems that your ex doesn't cherish you. He may miss you but he doesn't cherish you. You want to be cherished and made to feel special. And, you only want to be with a guy realizes that and whose actions match his words. Right now your ex seems to be full of hot air.

Q & A: "man should be taller than the woman?"

Q: I'm only 18 and the guy I've been on and off for a year and a half is right now confused on being with me or not? He says he likes me and wants to be with me but all I see is that he is always with his friends 24/7 and even blows me off for them, but at the same time he says he is confused
but still likes me. So what should I do? Just give him some space and let him be with his friends or just move on. I love him though. Please help me.-18 and in Love

Dear 18 and in Love,
Read some of the dating tips on this site. Also, go through the advice archive and read some of the columns. They will help you. One of my cardinal rules is:

"You only love those who love you."

It seems to me that you're doing the pursuing right now because you feel the most vulnerable and most insecure. Remember, he or she who is least invested in the relationship controls the relationship. If I were you, I'd give him all the space he needs. Don't be so available. Let him start missing you. Right now you're probably hovering over him so he can't miss you. Start being the Queen Bee and start attracting the wannabe or wannabes who do want to be with you.

Good luck. Let me know what happens.

Q: After a 2 year relationship with a great first year, the second year flopped big time. I became insecure with the fact that relationships aren't perfect and my first mistake was I let another girl get in between my Love, and me only online though. Secondly I lost myself in online video games and neglected the relationship. My girlfriend now has been through a lot with me. We called it quits. After 3 weeks, I really have realized that I did change quite a bit. Suddenly I feel great again, the time apart has opened my eyes. We've never had time apart with all the other break-ups. Honestly I believe she is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, we're both only 20 by the way. But I tear myself up inside constantly pondering over this relationship. We've had one good phone conversation since we broke up, and I did the big "I'm Sorry" speech already, once I figured out what I did wrong. Now I'm preparing myself to sit down with her for an adult conversation over dinner maybe? I really think she may have moved on but I must keep trying. I really shouldn't worry about what she is thinking but wish to believe she is thinking about the relationship as much as I have during the past 3 weeks. Only time can really give answers or heal though. Do real life love stories ever work out?-Realizing but Is It Too Late?

Dear Realizing but Is It Too Late?
Yes, real life love stories do work out when both parties take responsibility, are interested in working on the relationship, and are committed to the relationship. It sounds to me like, until this recent awakening, the only one committed to this relationship was your girlfriend. You've been really preoccupied and pretty involved - with yourself. Choosing video games over the woman you love? And you expected her to just wait around? Have trouble wearing hats because your head seems to be really big.

I'm not sure you have figured out, even now, what you've done wrong, so I'll tell you. You made the second year all about you and your needs. You weren't concerned at all with your girlfriend's feelings, needs and desires - just your own. You certainly don't know the secret to relationships which is: know what each other wants and then give it to him/or her. Your girlfriend knew what you wanted - space and understanding. And she gave you both. What did you give her in return? You certainly didn't make her feel special (no girl could possibly feel special knowing that her guy thinks video games are more important than her). You're in a committed relationship and you're fooling around with someone else online? You think that makes a woman feel safe with you? Not! How can she trust you? She can't!

If a smart, healthy woman can't trust her man, if she has any ounce of self-respect and self-esteem, she will show him the door and say "Don't let it hit you in the ass." And, if was me, when you walked out the door, I'd close it softly (I wouldn't slam it - you don't deserve that much emotion) and I'd close the page, chapter and book on "us." You'd have to do a whole lot more than make the "big apology speech" in order to get back in my life.

Mr. Wonderful, you've got a fan club of one right now. Do you want to win your woman back? Then make your actions consistent with your words and what you say you feel in your heart. Court her, woo her - make her feel special. Let her know that she is the most important person in your life. You're going to have to build up a lot of trust points with her, because right now there is absolutely no evidence - only words - that you mean what you say.

Yes, love can work out. But you have to want it to and be committed to the relationship and to making your partner happy. From where I'm sitting, you just want to take instead of giving to her and the relationship. In order for love to work, you have to be willing to give to your partner, give her what she wants. Here's my suggestion. Tell her you messed up big time and that you're really sorry and that you know it will take time to prove it to her that she is the love of your life. But that you are crazy about her and think you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Then, make sure all your actions match those sweet words. That's called integrity and keeping your word. Both are essential to a healthy, happy, loving relationship. Look luck. If you're half the man I think you are, you can do this. I have faith in you. Let me know how it turns out.

Q: Just wondering whether it's normal for a guy to like a girl who looks like his ex who he's been with for 2 years. Is he fixating on the ex or is it just that he prefers that style of girls? He did tell me that he likes me for me, and not because I look like some "particular individual he knows." In general, is it normal for guys to like girls who tend to look like their exes?-Boys Type Casting Girls

Dear Boys Type Casting Girls,
Generally, we're attracted to what's familiar. We all like what we like. Men are more visual than women, so it makes sense that they would frequently pick women who have the same "look." Women generally pick men who have similar qualities (although looks aren't generally at the top of their lists). Don't you pick the same type of clothing over and over again? Aren't you drawn to special colors? Aren't you more attracted to certain kinds of people? The answer is yes, yes and yes.

Get more secure with yourself. You're not a substitute for his ex, unless you know something that you didn't write in your email to me. If he says he likes you for you, then believe him, unless he's the lying kind. And, if he's the lying kind - you don't want to be with him anyway.

Q: I am a 19-year-old girl and I've been dating this guy for a few months. Our relationship is great but I have a problem. I'm 1 1/2 inches taller than him. Usually, I don't take this problem seriously as I love him so much that I won't let this problem break our relationship. However, sometimes I feel uncomfortable about this. I still think that the man should be taller than the woman. What can I do to overcome this feeling? I've heard about some programs that can increase someone's height. Does it really work? If yes, how could I tell my boyfriend about it and ask if he'd like to try this program without hurting his feeling? My mother hasn't found out about us yet. I'm sure that she won't be so happy to know that her daughter has a boyfriend that's shorter than her. What can I do to make my mom like my boyfriend?-Too Tall

Dear Too Tall,
If you really love this guy as much as you say you do in your email, then why do you want him to be different? You should love him "as is" without trying to make him be different. If you can't love him for the man he is on the inside and out (and in that order), then you don't deserve him.

Why are you trying to sabotage a great relationship based on height? Do you just go looking for problems or are you just a problem magnet? And about your mother not like your boyfriend because he's a little shorter than you, I can't believe that your mother is that shallow and so superficial. Life is more than about "how it looks," and if you don't realize that now, then you better prepare yourself for a rocky road ahead.

Q & A: "a bunch of old man chasing young women"

Q: I live in New York City the worst place for personal relationships. I see a bunch of old man chasing young women and the ones in my age group, 46 don't want a relationship. They are just fine or I meet to drunks one and that is out of the question for me. What do I do? - Not Dating in New York

Dear Not Dating in New York,
I know New York can be a tough city for relationships, but girlfriend, you need an attitude adjustment or you're never going to meet a wonderful guy. Right now I can understand why you're attracting unavailable and unworthy men. There are two reasons:

You are unavailable and don't (deep down) consider yourself worthy of attracting great guy. These men are simply mirrors of your beliefs.

It is done unto you as you believe. Since you believe that NYC is the worst place for relationships, even if a great guy would show up, you wouldn't be able to see him. You'd rather be right than happy. You'd rather be right that there are no great guys in NY than allow yourself to be dating and in a healthy relationship.
You need an attitude adjustment. Ask yourself, "Do I want to be right or be in a happy relationship?" Once you decide that you want to be happy, you'll do something different - you'll start behaving in a way that will result in attracting a different kind of man to you. You'll notice that once you start responding differently to the world, the world will respond different to you.

Q: I am 47, female, never married and I am very sad. I am sad that I cannot meet someone, sad because when I go out, the men want my girl friends. They want to meet them, not me. I'm sad because I have gotten myself in dangerous situations (such as drinking too much, then going with them to their place) because I am afraid to drive home. Then they try to take advantage of me. I usually am ok but occasionally they are forceful like a possible date rape scenario. That happened last weekend. I was powerless, but I succeeded in fending off the man. I am feeling so blue about it. I have no way of meeting decent men. I am so disappointed in myself and men.-Disappointed in Me and Men

Dear Disappointed in Me and Men,
I know how you feel. You're not only disappointed in and with yourself, you're also frustrated and don't know what to do. Believe me, we've all been there. The only thing you can do at this point is surrender to the situation - you're alone and you don't want to be. And because of your desperation, neediness and loneliness you've made bad decisions and poor choices in men.

Feel your feelings. Be sad, angry, fearful and resentful. Feel free to add any more emotions. Have all your emotions and then get over yourself.

You can't do anything about what has already happened. All you can do is stop being a victim and begin to take responsibility for your life and what you want to create in your life now.

Here's my advice. Stop dating or looking for men - just for right now. Spend the time getting yourself together; building your self-esteem, self-confidence and learn to love yourself. Men won't and can't love you if you don't love yourself. And, as long as you stay where you are - in victim mode and having a pity party - you'll either stay alone, be passed over or repeatedly attract the same kind of man who will take advantage of you. Remember, men or women can and will only treat you the way you let them treat you. And how they treat you is based on your own self-respect, self-confidence and self-acceptance.

The bottom line is that you are not hopeless and neither is your situation. You deserve to have love in your life - but first you have to realize it, believe it, and accept it as possible and true. That may take some faith and trust on your part. But look at it this way. Your life isn't working the way it is right now. You might as well put your faith and trust into something new that just might work better for you. You really have nothing to lose. You're already feeling really bad. It looks like the only place for you to go is up and from where I sit, with a little work on your part; you could become successful at dating and be in a relationship.

Once you take responsibility for your life by realizing where you are and believing where you want to be is possible, (even though it will require a leap of faith on your part), the next step is to then get some help in building your "self" image and creating some positive self-confidence.

Do these two steps and then you will be ready to date. At that point you'll be ready to leave the pity party and go to a real party. When you change a little, it's amazing how the world will respond to you. Who know whom you may meet?

If you want your life to be better, different, more fulfilling and less disappointing, get some help in changing it. You don't have to do this alone. And you don't have to be alone. Nor do you have to compromise yourself and settle. You just need to learn how to like and love yourself. Then you won't allow yourself to compromise yourself. I can help. If you're interested in changing yourself and your life, and you don't want to be a victim anymore, contact me.

Q: I just called it off with the guy I was dating for over two months. We had a good thing going. I was not crazy about him but he did pursue me. I was taking things slow in that we didn't really talked about where we were going, but simply enjoyed each other's company. He went on holiday to New York and fell in love with a girl there. He said, "He was blindsided by something he didn't expect." They intend to see each other again to see if it will work. He still wants to see me saying he still feels the same, but he cannot undo what happened while on vacation. I would have wanted to give that sort of arrangement a go but then I realized that I am in a win-lose situation there. I called it off. Did you think it was the right thing to do? Why be hurt in the future when I could have backed out now. -Did I Do the Right Thing?

Dear Did I Do the Right Thing,
You read the signs (of course they were hard to miss) and took the course of action that any woman who likes and values herself would take. Congratulations! Even before he went to New York, he was in the BTN category, which is Better Than Nothing. So you're not missing much. Besides, you don't want a man with the mantra of, "when you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

In the future, if a similar situation happens again, simply smile and say, "Thank you. You saved me a lot of time. There's the door. Don't let it hit you in the ass." Remember, just because a man pursues you doesn't mean you have to go out with him.

Q: I am very recently divorced but extremely comfortable with this. We were married for 3 years, but I was very well aware of the fact that I was not "in love" with Mark. He is a wonderful person, has so many great qualities, but there was never that "magic" feeling people talk about and to be quite honest, I was convinced there was no such thing. I honestly believe that there are many people who can make you happy and you have to make yourself available to be loved and of course return love. However, both people must feel that way.

After one year, I realized as sweet as Mark was, he was not in love with me, he was in love with the idea or role of a wife. The things that make me who I am began to aggravate him, especially my desire to show him affection and to receive affection from him. This led to a series of bad decisions on my part which involved fooling around with guy friends of ours or mine. I've never had sex with any of them, but I craved their attention and accepted it. In June, I began talking to a wonderful guy named Rick.

After two weeks I realized that I was very taken with him and he felt the same way. Tim's
ex-wife was determined that things weren't going to get any further between us, so she contacted my husband. Mark confronted me and I admitted to talking to Rick for two weeks. We immediately separated and are now waiting for the 30 days to expire finalizing our divorce.
I have gone to counseling to better understand myself and to make sure I was not more at fault than what was obvious, in the deterioration of my marriage. I'm just the type of person who doesn't want to continue making the same mistakes repeatedly. I have come to the conclusion that I am not unusually needy or dependent and do not have an unhealthy need for validation or approval from a partner.

The first issue is that I'm 22 and he's 40. The second issue is that he's been married 4 times and not happily to any of them. I want to make it clear that age and past marriages are of no consequence to him or me. I, of all people, know that we all make mistakes and have pasts that we would like to change but do not necessarily regret because they have made us the people we are.

I have never felt as appreciated and loved for the person that I am - absolutely unconditionally, until now. Neither of us have anything to gain from the other, except pure happiness and genuine love. We compliment each other in so many ways. I feel certain that if my family would just wait and hold their judgments until they've seen how happy we are, there would be no objections. I know this is not like my marriage in the respect that he is filling a role; he is in love with me and all of my idiosyncrasies. Your advice will not make any decisions for me, but I would like to hear an unbiased opinion from someone who seems to understand a lot about relationships and people.- He's Been Married Four Times, Will it Work This Time?

Dear He's Been Married Four Times,
Thank you for the compliment and for asking me for advice. I don't think you're going to like what I have to say, but here goes. I don't think you're the perfect match or the dynamic duo. You are on the rebound my dear and like a starved dog. You'll be with anyone who pays you even a little attention. I'm not calling you needy (although I think you are and could use some more therapy) but you've just come out of a loveless marriage and you want what has been lacking in your life for the past three years - and you want it all right now. I totally understand that, but you can't compensate for what was missing yesterday. All you can do is create your future by what you do today.

This guy doesn't have a great track record when it comes to women and marriage. You can justify as much as you want, but the results are the results. And, I know you think you're different than all the other women he has gone with and married, and perhaps you are, but in all my years and all my research and all my reading (I am a student of history) I don't know of even one leopard who has changed his spots. Of course, there is always a first time and I have been known to be wrong. However, in this case, I think I'm right on the money. I think Rick is your transition man (and believe me there's nothing wrong with that) but I wouldn't be so quick to pick out china patterns…if you know what I mean.

Good luck. Even though you feel like a wounded animal, you don't have to act like one. Instead, heal yourself so you can really have a great life with a great man who is really committed to relationship and marriage. Please let me know if the leopard changes his spots. It will be one for the books.

Q & A: "I am trying to get back my first love"

Q: I wish to thank you enormously for sharing your wisdom in such a delicate (and complicated!) matter. I am 20 years old, beautiful, intelligent... but till not long ago, an alpha female. I just couldn't realize what I was doing wrong until I found your website and read your advices. At first, it seemed difficult (because of all those feminist ideas), but slowly I started to perform the metamorphosis -in both my actions and thoughts- and now I'm glad, specially about myself: being feminine (in all its implications) comes naturally and it also happens to feel very delightful (now I can truly understand and feel the joy Shania Twain described in her song, "I feel like a woman"). The way men behave when they are near me has drastically changed! Before they used to stare at me for a while and rarely show more interest than that, while now they approach me and really seem to enjoy my company! So once again: Thank you very much!- Lady MO

Dear Lady MO,
Congratulations! Change isn't always easy, but the results certainly are wonderful. Isn't it amazing how differently the world and men and women respond to us when we are being and "beeing" our true selves? This lesson applies to both men and women.

And you are very welcome. For all you Alpha Females who want men to behave differently around you, take my free teleclass called What Men Want and How to Give it to Them - Dating Tips for the Alpha Female on Thursday, July 12th at 9pm PDT. Call 310.394.2647 to register (include your phone number and email address) or send me an email .

Q: I just read your stuff and its really good information. I just got back from a date that was going nowhere, but I have another one with a different guy who I am very excited about. Anyway I wanted to say that your advice is very honest and inspiring. I have some strong feminist outlooks that I value, but I appreciate your softening guidance. I would like to read a book by you if you have written one. I have one big question that I can't seem to answer and that is about the first date, where do we go, what do we do, how do we act? I want to make a stellar first impression and after tonight I've lost so much charisma. Help! By the way I'm sixteen, and I live in Salt Lake City, Utah. Any ideas? Thanks again for your awesome web site its really great stuff!-Wanting My Charisma Back

Dear Wanting My Charisma Back,
You never lost your charisma. It's still there. The problem is that you think someone else has to ignite it and validate it in order for your charisma to come out. Wrong. Charisma is that special quality that attracts people to you. Charisma starts on the inside. It comes being authentic and allowing the unique you to come out and connect with others.

On the first date you let the guy decide what you're going to do; let him suggest the place and you can say agree or not agree to go. As far as how to act goes - be yourself, "bee" your true authentic feminine self. Ask him questions and let him do most of the talking. You don't have to make the date all about you. You don't have to impress him. As a Queen Bee, it's his job to impress you. He knows that. If he doesn't impress you, you're not going to go out with him again. If he wants to see you again then he will try his best to impress you. It's your job to appreciate his effort, admire his courage for his willingness to do whatever it takes to impress you, and respect him for the great guy that he is.

Thank you for the compliments. I have worked really hard to make this site what it is today.

For all of my readers, I'm always looking for suggestions on how to improve it. If you have a suggestion for a topic or subject you would like me to write about, please feel free to contact me.

Q: I have known my long distances online love for 3 months. We are both married for 10 years and have no children. I love him like nobody else before. He has given me the confidence to open up my body and feelings, to show love like I have never shown to anyone. He says he loves me, needs me, says I hit him like a hurricane and he is addicted to me and our online sex is amazing.

We spend any where from 3-6 hours at a time chatting online, he is 4 and a half hours ahead of me so he stays up till 4:00- 5:00 am his time to chat and voice to me while his wife is sleeping. I am in an easier position to leave my marriage then him. I am willing to leave my marriage, but he says he can't change his situation and doesn't see it changing in the near future. He says he doesn't want to lose something so special that we are sharing. He wants to keep our net relationship and see what time will bring us. Do you think I am lost in this wonderful fantasy as it is the most wonderful thing that has happened to me in my 34 years and I cannot do without his words, his love, his smile, and all his emotions that he shares with me.-Married and Having a Net Affair

Dear Married,
Get a life and stop spending what little of a life you do have online with another man. You are both married. He is not going to leave his wife. And besides, if he did leave her for you, what makes you think he won't dump you for another woman? Since when have leopards started changing their spots?

I can tell from your letter that you're unhappy and that this net fantasy helps you forget your misery. But you're wasting your time. Do something real and pro-active to make your life better. Work on your marriage, get some counseling, or try a trial separation, and change your email address. But before you do, write him a lovely good-bye letter and tell him how much he has enhanced your life and shown you how much better life can be. Thank him for that.

And, now that you know how good life can be, get a life and make it a great one. By the way, if you want to live in Fantasy Land, take a trip to Disney World.

Q: I am trying to get back my first love, but she's not interested. What do I do?- I Want Her Back

Dear I Want Her Back,
All you can do is give it your best shot. Either she wants you or she doesn't. If she doesn't want to be the dynamic duo again, you have two choices. You can pine away for her (which isn't very attractive nor productive) or you can move on.

Don't give up your self-respect and become her doormat or puppy dog. You'll be no good to anyone, especially yourself. I'm not telling you to give up on love, just give up on her love.

If she doesn't want you, some other gal will. Remember that, "Men and women are like trains, another one will be along in a few minutes. If a train doesn't stop at your station, it wasn't your train."

No matter what happens in life she will always be your first love and will hold a special place in your heart. Just don't let her keep breaking it. You'll run out of crazy glue. Better to let someone else in to keep and keep the heart pumping with love that's returned.

Good luck. It's not easy to walk away from a first love. But it's definitely better to walk away then to keep walking into walls.