You've heard it before and you'll hear it again: the biggest male erogenous zone is the brain. From what turns them on to what turns them off, the guys agreed it's all mental.
That means, yes, they can get turned on by pornography more than women. Yes, wearing lingerie can do stuff for their libido that all that itchy lace doesn't do for yours. Yes, they focus on appearances more than you might like (but hey, you know, you do that too. . . ) But most of all what it means for you, the aspiring sex guru, is they're going to get turned on when you're turned on.
That's good news--knowing all the Kama Sutra backwards and forwards isn't what makes a woman sexy. The sexiest women are those, quite simply, who are having the most fun in bed.
HENRY: The thing that turns me on the most is if she starts moaning--the minute I hear that I'm done. But it's forced, or not real, if she's doing something just for me instead of for herself, I'm not interested.
JAMES: If she's not into it, I'm just not going to get off. I don't want to have sex with anyone who's not excited about having sex with me.
Tips and Tricks:
- Letting the guy know what a good time you're having doesn't have to involve aggressively pinning him to the bed or talking dirty about what you want from him. All it takes is being loose enough to make a little noise, give a little wriggle when you feel it.
- If you're having fun, it's going to come across, that's not the kind of thing you have to fake. So, if you're regularly not having fun, take a step back and figure out what the problem is. It could be as deep-seated as constant guilt you're doing something "bad" or as easy to solve as that you're not waiting until you're fully comfortable with someone before jumping into bed.
There's somehing undefinable about a kiss. The guys got a little dramatic about it, actually. An unhurried, soulful kiss can stir up excitment more than just about anything else. The exact formula for the perfect kiss may vary from couple to couple but the basic recipe remains the same: think of tasting the other person's mouth--with all the juiciness and gentleness that implies.
BRIAN: I like long, wet, sloppy kisses. Ones where you're totally into it for few minutes. I atually broke up with a girl because our kisses just weren't compatible. She liked these dry kisses--and she crowched her lips.
BRIAN: Like a crow. She made her lips all sharp and pointy.
HENRY: This is a bad kiss: her mouth is really open and you keep bumping into her teeth. You shouldn't lead into a kiss with your teeth.
JACK: This is the best kiss: Move in close, you're very close, and you breathe in very, very slowly. You touch lips, feel the profundity of each other's lips, then press. Pull back, but still sit close. Take another breath, match each other's breathing and then do the same thing, but this time more intense. Run your tongue along their lower lip, or across their tongue--you have to have a focus. Go for something, find a bit of their mouth and make love to it. You've been watching that mouth all night, and now, finally, you get to taste it.
Tips and Tricks:
- Use your tongue when kissing--but more like an explorer, running it along different parts of his mouth (the inside of the lip can be extremely sensitive). What the tongue shouldn't be doing is jamming into the back of his throat.
- Don't rush the kissing part. Kissing remains one of the absolute best kinds of foreplay, teasing and tempting both of you exquisitely.
- Don't confine your lips to his lips. Take a break and find other sensitive spots. These might be as common as his earlobes or the hollow of his neck, or as unexpected as his eyelid. Explore.
Run your hands along his back, along his scalp and through is hair (guys love it as much as you do!), inside his thigh. As your hands explore his body, you're going to learn just how hard or soft to stroke different areas. It will vary all over his body, and could even vary from day to day.
Don't forget men's nipples--many women do and some men are extremely sensitive there. But pay attention: he might like the barest touch or a real squeeze.
. . . and that brings us to the Big Kahuna. Most women don't have an intuitive sense of how to handle the male member. On on hand, they've been told it's hugely sensitive and to be gentle. On the other hand, there's often the image that a guy needs it hard and rough to climax. The truth is probably somewhere in between, be firm but not careless. Some men have described the perfect grasp as being like a strong handshake. . . but you're only going to get a real feel for it by playing around. Start by lightly grazing your fingertips around the groin area, and work up to some harder stroking. Ask him what feels good and pay close attention to his reactions.
JAMES: Get the guy comfortable, break out the lotion, and start slowly. Lots of girls rub way too fast--the guy will do most of it, he will set the pace. Start slowly, and then let him move under you. Hold the balls with one hand, the cock with the other. Pay attention to the top of the cock--you've got to bring your hand all the way up.
BRIAN: I would never tell a woman to stop giving me a handjob. I can definitely get really into it--especially if they get into it.
HENRY: Can a girl give a hand job better than I can do it myself? Usually not, but every once in awhile . . . there was this one woman I still think about. Somehow she got me naturally lubricated so quickly. I don't know how she did it, but it would never go dry and I could hear the sound. And her hand always came all the way up over the top. It wasn't anything special in terms of rhythm or speed. . .
Tips and Tricks:
- Yes, guys have a little more experience giving themselves a hand job than you do. But there's no denying it can be more fun when it's a two-person experience. Play around--even if you don't end up actually bringing him to climax this way.
- Every area around his genitals will respond to your touch. Brush your hands lightly along his inner thighs, under the balls, around them. Remember, 9/10 of any successful sexual encounter relies on how turned on one gets before climax. Read: teasing is always a good thing.
- Don't forget some lubricant. This could be making good use of the few drops he ejects early on, using some lotion, or even saliva if nothing else is on hand.
- Start out with just one kind of stimulation--one hand on the shaft for example. Once the novelty of that wears off, add something. Use the other hand to start playing with his balls or grab the bottom of the shaft and hold it. Next, you can add your mouth, lick his nipple or inner thigh. Different types of stimulation--added piecemeal--can really enhance the experience.
Going Below the Belt
We've heard occasional rumors of guys who don't like going down on women--but we've really never met any. The guys all claimed to enjoy it--partially because it inherently turned them on, partly because they liked the response it got from women.
So if you're still feeling uncomfortable with receiving oral sex, know that it's probably much more of an issue in your head than his. Your natural smell and wetness is exactly what they like, so--besides keeping yourself clean--don't worry about it.
BRIAN: Guys love to eat women. The wetter, the better.
HENRY: It's true that if it smells really bad that's kind of a turn off. But I'd still do it. Or else just suggest having sex in the shower.
Much like women, men's reactions to oral sex varies from "ho hum" to mind numbing bliss. For some it's as good as--perhaps even better--than sex. For others it's only worth an occasional diversion. Regardless, the same theme came up: it's always better if the woman is really enjoying herself. More than that, if she's not enjoying it or worse, obviously turned off, then it's not much fun at all.
BRIAN: Swallowing is key. The best part is about 30 seconds after you come.
HENRY: That's the best part, but she can do it with her hand too. Just hold on for a little while afterwards.
BRIAN: The worst is if she treats it as if it's disgusting. If she revels in my coming, that's what I like. Doesn't care if it goes on her body.
JAMES: Yes, you want her to like the fact that you're coming--not get turned off.
HENRY: Guys love their ejaculation, I mean, we can sit around talking about who shot the biggest wad, you want a girl to like it too.
Tips and Tricks:
- OK, so swallowing may not be every girl's cup of tea. (Though if you try it you may learn it's pretty harmless stuff--barely without taste.) But don't be visibly squeamish, and do keep holding on with your hand if you remove your mouth--keep the pressure on while, and even after, he comes.
- Use your hands too--use them to play with his balls, or hold the bottom of the shaft while using your mouth along the top.
- Remember that guys like to be teased as much as women do. Have fun for awhile--lick, gently stroke, blow on him--before settling in for the hard core up-and-down stuff.
All the Way
Hollywood has done a disservice to great sex. Movies like to show the greatest passion as some bucking romp--pumping away fast and furiously.Pumping away certainly has its place, but the best sex is usually a slower affair--with both partners paying attention to how the other person reacts to each touch, trying something new when needed, or just doing the same delicious thing when it's working. The guys wanted women to know they should take their time and make it last. The process is as important as the big finish.
JAMES: The best sex is not when I'm just fucking away like a bronco. I want to draw out a mutually pleasurable experience.
HENRY: It's continuous positive feedback--they get excited and then you do and then they do and it feels great and that's what makes good sex.
Tips and Tricks:
- Don't stop using your hands and mouth. Hold his butt (adjust his movements slightly if you need to--remember the guys get most turned on when you're most turned on), stroke or lick his fingers, nipples, balls, toes, neck--whatever part of his body you have access to.
- If you're on top, take the opportunity to create a little tension. Don't lower yourself on right away--just let him slide in a little bit at a time. You can even use your hand to hold his penis for complete control. Insert just the head, pull back. Insert a little more, pull back. Keep doing it until he can't stand it any longer.
- Enjoy yourself. Let him know what works for you and what doesn't. This doesn't have to be long drawn out sentences. Just the occasional, "mmm, right there" or "a little softer" will do.
We started with the idea that it's all mental--and just to make the point clear we'll end with that too. The guys' turn offs were all mental too. Sometimes something clicks in his head and he's just not going to be able to climax. When that happens curl up, act like it's not a big deal (it isn't), and try again some other time.
HENRY: There are just times when you're not going to come. Could be you're drunk, could be you're tired, your mind is somewhere else--he may not even know why--but once you think you're not going to come, it's over.
BRIAN: Never say, "I can't make you come, can I?" Then the pressure kicks in.
HENRY: If he can't come, just accept it. Don't take it personally. It happens a lot.
The second turn off came from the old double standard. Yes, the guys liked a woman who enjoyed herself and felt comfortable in bed. They said this over and over--but they also didn't want to be with a woman they thought was too experienced. (For more info on this read The Numbers Game.) Luckily, these were enlightened men who admitted the distinction between experienced enough and too experienced was somewhat arbitrary. Mostly, they just didn't want to know about a woman's past.
HENRY: You just want to feel like you're the most important person in the whole world when you're with someone. I would rather not know any details about her exes.