Saturday, March 22, 2008

Remedial Sex Tips for Men

The Basics

Well, boys, there's good news and there's bad news. To be honest, there's a lot more in the bad news pile, so we'll start with that first. It's not pretty, and it's going to make you more nervous than you were before--but we promise the good news will come at the end.

The Bad News:

1. Women really do judge you on how you perform in bed. If you're always self-centered, insensitive, or just downright lousy, it matters. (Keyword: Always, you don't have to win a gold every single time.)

2. Every woman is wildly different. We just can't give you a blueprint that's going to work for every woman. Which means you have to pay attention--is she moaning or is she lying there like a rag doll? Don't wait for a clear negative signal before moving on to something new. You have to learn a set of basic tools and figure out which one works best. Trust us, she'll let you know when you've got it right.

3. Yes, women want it tender and emotional and sweet. They want to be held, they want it sincere, they want to be complimented, they want more than just a speed-poke in the whiskers. This doesn't mean they need love, love, love every time, but they want to know you're with them for them--not just because they were the last girl left standing at the party.

The Good News:

1. Women love sex as much as you do. Build up some initial trust and then they'll rock your world--women are game to experiment too. And since women can get really turned on just because they're turning you on, they're all the more excited to please you back.

Tips and Tricks:

  • Sex isn't a battle. This is not a contest where your task is to get a woman to give it up while she's trying to block you at every turn. In fact, the harder you push, the harder she's going to block--so that kind of behavior is just going to backfire on you.

  • If you can't talk about it, you shouldn't be doing it. If you don't feel comfortable discussing
    sex with your partner, then it's too soon to be jumping into the sack.

  • Hooking up should be playful. There's a time and place for a quickie (in the elevator of your
    apartment building, for example, you're probably going to want to move fast. . . ) but if you're
    going for real fireworks--take it slow and have a fun.

  • When you hear a woman moan it means: "Do just what you're doing right now, oh wow, please don't
    change a thing." Don't speed up. Don't change the pressure. What you're doing is divine, for
    goodness sake don't alter it in anyway. (Unlike men, whose noises often signal a cue to go harder
    and faster.)

On First Kisses

Should you dive in on the first date or no? Again, you're going to have to play it by ear--if the sparks are flying then put your hand in her hair (always put your hand in her hair!) and plant one, but if you're at all unsure where you stand, then the women say you should hold back . . .

KATRINA: I definitely want a kiss on the first date--not necessarily at the end of the date, somewhere in the middle.

MICHELLE: I don't know. If I like a guy, I want a kiss, but I end up wanting him more if I didn't get kissed. Which means that if I'm at all on the fence, a guy will probably get further with me if he doesn't kiss me on the first date.

HELENA: And if I don't like him and he kisses me. Blech. It's all over.

ADA: I don't have to have a kiss on the first date. My current boyfriend kissed me on the forehead or cheek for the first four or five dates. I thought it was cute.

KATRINA: Yeah, but you weren't really into him until he kissed you for real.

ADA: That's true. And once we finally kissed . . . that first kiss turned into immediate sex on the roof.

MICHELLE: See, that's all that I'm saying.

Waiting four or five dates might be a little much, but holding off until the second date can certainly get her blood boiling.

Tips and Tricks:

  • Women rely on what they believe are blatant signals to convey how they feel--signals which men, of course, find totally ambiguous. If she's "cold" then she's usually looking for a little touching: rub her back, give her a hug, put your arm around her. On the other hand, if she's "tired" she's not interested. If the signals get too confusing just remember this: if a woman wants to be kissed it's not going to be difficult to do so--she's standing nearby, facing you, available. If you realize you're going to have to work too hard to kiss her, then don't bother.


There's universal agreement: the tongue can ruin a kiss, and the lips can send you straight to nirvana. Good kissing involves a) lots of changes of pace and style b) lip movement c) gentle use of tongue. Run your tongue along her lips, inside and out, along her gums and, yes, even all the way in to the back of her mouth--just don't leave it there for minutes on end.

MICHELLE: This is the worst kiss I ever had. He put his lips on mine--and didn't move them again. Then he stuck his tongue in my mouth and moved it around and around in a clockwise motion without ever changing pace. Yuck.

HELENA: I hate when they start flicking their tongue back and forth, back and forth

ADA: Too much tongue--in any way--is a problem. Too fast, too wet, too pushy, too much.

KATRINA: A kiss should be sweet, tender, and strong all at the same time. Not too soft, not too hard.

HELENA: And guys need to use lip balm! Lip balm is nothing to be ashamed of. A little chapstick never hurt anyone.

Tips and Tricks:

  • Use your teeth a little too. Nibble on her lips.
  • Take your technique to the center of her throat, the hollow of her collarbone, her ears. For those who are sensitive in these places, this is bliss.
  • Don't stick in any one place too long. Eventually the ears and neck get numb to the sensation.

Second Base

Here we get into tricky territory. For one thing most women just don't have the adoration relationship with their breasts that you do--especially women with larger breasts. Nine women out of ten thinks her breasts are too big, too small, too saggy, too nipply, too something. So start by telling her how great you think they are.

Appropriate comments:
"Wow, these turn me on."
"Your breasts are gorgeous."
"I've been wanting to touch you all night."

Inappropriate comments:
"I didn't know nipples came that size!"
"Have you ever considered getting implants?"

If you can't bring yourself to actually say something, at least show your appreciation. Not like some hormonal teenager grabbing all he can in the back seat of a Chevy--but by acting like they're a particularly yummy piece of candy.

More so than any other part of the body, breasts vary dramatically from woman to woman. She might be so sensitive she can only take light stroking, or she might crave a good hard squeezing. You're going to have to figure it out all by yourself. But with your new-found sensitivity you can handle that right?

ADA: I'm very, very sensitive, often it hurts, and I'll have to tell someone to stop doing whatever they're doing.

KATRINA: I'm not all that sensitive, so it doesn't do a lot for me personally--but I can get into the fact that the guy really likes it. Especially if they're giving compliments. Complimenting them is never a bad thing . . . and biting is never good.

HELENA AND ADA SIMULTANEOUSLY: Biting is awful! Never bite!

Tips and Tricks:

  • While different women want totally different types of breast-attention, it's generally true that smaller-breasted women are more sensitive and like gentle treatment, while larger-breasted women are less sensitive and can enjoy a rougher touch.
  • In the heat of the moment, a woman can usually take a little stronger groping than otherwise. . . try the occasional love squeeze.
  • Get some oil, sit next to her, and give her breasts a solid massage. Don't touch any other part of her body until she just can't stand it anymore.

Hands-on Contact

The group agreed the biggest turn-off is when men get too fast too quickly. So remember to take it slow and gentle. Don't think you have to dive right for that little love button and rub like mad--or, worse, stick your fingers inside and start pumping away. Remember the key mood, here: play. Play around the sides, play with the inner thighs, gentle stroking until you sneak up on the bulls eye. Not only does this tease her magnificently, but you get a bonus: the clit is a lot easier to find once it gets excited and swells up.

ADA: I'm not afraid to tell them what to do. Or I often take their hand and move it to the right place.

KATRINA: Yeah, tell the guys that just because we're telling them to change what they're doing, doesn't mean we want them to stop!

HELENA: I like it if they ask me if I like what they're doing.

MICHELLE: On the other hand I don't want anyone asking me open-ended questions like "What do you like?" I can't answer that. I can only answer yes or no questions.

HELENA: Oh yeah, I don't want to have a major discussion. Let's just see what you got, and I'll let you know what I think.

Tips and Tricks:

  • If she's not already wet then you better get her that way before shoving your fingers around. Nothing can turn a woman off more than dry skin rubbing on dry skin. Kiss her ears, her breasts, her thighs, and then try again. (Though sometimes she can be really turned on, and just need your help to spread the moisture around a bit. Stick a slow finger inside for just a half inch and then share the wealth . . . )
  • When doing it for themselves, many women don't touch the clit directly. Here's a common technique that works wonders. Place a finger (or a thumb and finger) along each side of her clitoris-not directly on it, but next to it. Squeeze in slightly, and then stroke gently up and down.
  • The outside--and first inch--of a woman's vaginal opening is exquisitely sensitive. Instead of the average sliding in and out you can insert a finger just slightly and then swirl around and around.

Oral Sex

By now you already know the refrain: you have to pay close attention to figure out what she likes. Some women have clits that want a good hard tongue bath, while others can't take a single direct hit. Be sensitive to her body language. If she tenses up suddenly that's not a good thing--it's called "cringing." You should also learn the difference between a sweet moan and a pained groan. But if you get a moan--for goodness sakes DON'T STOP. What you're doing is exactly right. Stay put.

KATRINA: Often guys don't go high enough. I know there's a hole there--but go higher and you'll hit the jackpot. You'll know you've gone too high when you hit skin.

HELENA: And if I'm moving around that's a hint to change--if I'm pulling away then don't stay in the same spot.

ADA: Until I grab the back of your head and hold you there, then you've got to keep moving around.

MICHELLE: And sorry, but if it's not working there's nothing worse. It turns me off. So if I pull you up, it's time to stop. It's not working for me, and you're not going to change that.

ADA: It's either that or I'm about to have an orgasm and I don't want to yet--so trust me and come up. But that doesn't mean it's completely over it just means let's move on to something else, because hey, you might not be so bad at fucking.

HELENA: And I like it if they kiss you on the way up. Sort of "Yeah, I fucked up, but I can still be social on the way back up."

KATRINA: Keep it wet.

ADA: But don't slobber on me.

MICHELLE: A little finger action is good too.

HELENA: Basically they have got to pay attention to what I'm doing and how I'm reacting. We're all so different.

ADA: Hey, I'm different every day--I could have loved something yesterday and hate it today.

You get the point. . . so you better pay attention while you're down there--go up high, go down low, go soft, go hard, go in the middle, go around the outside. Try it all, and learn to sense when you've gotten it right.

Tips and Tricks:

  • Many women like some combined tongue and manual action. Once she starts getting heated up, add a little bit of stroking with your fingers--stick to the outside for awhile, and then slip them inside. Remember that she might like this at a speed far slower than you'd expect.
  • The late comedian Sam Kinneson told a joke about performing oral sex by spelling out the alphabet with your tongue--capital T being the ultimate in pleasure. And while we know that Sam Kinneson was one of the most disgusting men of all time . . . he was right.
  • When going down on a woman, go ahead and use your hands to pull apart the folds of skin so you can really see what you're doing. Not only will this help your navigation skills but using your hands to keep her skin taut heightens the sensation.

The Whole Shebang

Here's how to know when the foreplay's over and she's ready for sex: she's begging you to put it in. This might be non-verbal begging--the kind that comes by sticking her pelvis to yours like a wetsuit--but wait for it. If you start before she's good and ready, a woman can easily turn 180 degrees on you and get completely turned off. And don't forget your teasing skills: use that dick for more than just pumping away, rub around the outside, insert it only part way, come inside and don't move at all while just holding her tight and kissing her

KATRINA: If I'm having sex with someone I like them to pull me really close. I want to know he's enjoying it because it's me, not because it's a hole.

HELENA: You want to feel like you're the most important person ever.

KATRINA: When he's on top I like when they slide in aiming at the top--not pumping away up and down.

HELENA: In general I'd rather be on top.

KATRINA: I don't like it when I'm on top and they keep trying to move. If I'm on top it's because I want to control the pace. He should let me do the work.

ADA: That's when I say, 'Just relax a moment' and start doing it the way I want to.

Tips and Tricks:

  • As much as we all dislike them, in this day and age condoms are a must. The panel all agreed they respect a guy who brings out a condom without being asked.
  • Porn movies have it wrong: the norm isn't to just bang away. (At least not at the beginning--a big finish does occasionally call for some pumping. . .) But in general, you shouldn't be moving that fast. Second, don't move your pelvis up and down, instead slide your penis in and out parallel to her body.
  • Don't stop using your hands just because you're having sex. Grabbing her behind or breasts can add a lot to the sensations she's experiencing. Or--for those women who crave direct stimulation--use your fingers to stroke her clit.
  • Change around your positions. A few to try: sitting on a chair with the guy on bottom and the woman facing in (a good position for women who have a harder time coming from intercourse); have her lie on her back on a table--just the right height for you to have sex while remaining standing; both on your side, facing each other or spooning.

The Last Word

A few last sentiments. . .

KATRINA: You need to be well into a relationship or be a certain type of person to really want things rough and dirty. Unless you just picked each other up in a bar while wearing black leather, you should wait until you get to know each other

ADA: No pushing my head down. I might bite you.

KATRINA: Never try to have anal sex the first time you sleep with someone.

MICHELLE: Take breaks, and talk in between. I like the lights on, I like to mix the hooking up with conversation, I like to know that we're not two people sneaking off furtively to do something bad in the dark.

KATRINA: And if I tell you to do something--do it! It's tough for me to say things, so if I say it, you know I mean it.

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