Monday, March 24, 2008

Catch Him If You Can

Some men have a reputation that you would rather not know about - he's known to some as a player. But there's a lot more to him than that, or so you hope. Can you ever get this guy to settle down? After all, studies show that men in relationships are happier and better adjusted, so really you'd both be better off, right? Well, he may not see things that way so what can you do? Here's a few ways to catch and tame the playboy that will help you both find happiness.

Have you ever known anyone in this type of situation? When Steven met Laura he decided she was definitely someone he could finally be with exclusively. And while it wasn't the first time he had felt this way, for some reason or another things just never worked out the way he imagined they would. He saw Laura repeatedly for about a month or two and the relationship started waning, before long he was back to his usual self, and other women were in his sights.
Laura knew of his reputation, but he seemed very serious about her and he even told her so. But neither of them saw their relationship blossom into what they each had hoped. Hypersensitive to her man's past of playing the field, Laura tried to keep her man in constant
check, letting him know at all times she would not accept any sort of philandering. His reaction was immediately instant confirmation that it's better to love 'em and move on. This is an unfortunate example of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The first step in keeping a the non-commitment type is to date him with the confidence that he's all yours, even if you're afraid he might not be. He will feel a kind of freedom he's never felt before and feel comfortable with the knowledge that she's not trying to turn him into something other than what he is. And during the time he spends free from anticipation of whatever it is he's so scared of, he is emotionally available to enjoy the benefits of a long term, monogamous relationship.

But there's more to it than that. There's something else that he's worried about or protecting himself from. It may take a little time to identify why it is that he feels he is better off a playboy,
when the truth is that he probably is not. There are a few reasons why many men follow this kind of lifestyle, and putting his fears to rest will hlep him commit. Here are some examples:

  • He was burned in the past. This is more common than you think, which is why it may even sound trite. But when men put a large part of their heart out on a limp, and then ended up crushed, he may not want to put himself in that position again. There are a few
    ways to try to get him to see that you are not the one that is going to hurt him. Tell him. If he ever mentions the ex-girlfriend incident, let him talk it out. Ask him questions, and don't criticize him. Don't criticize her either, but let him know where you agree with

  • Another common reason men tend to play the field is the fear of the relationship quickly falling into a rut. They love the beginnings of a relationship just as we all do. The chase, the catch, the nervousness and the giggles. But when the relationship starts to plateau, he
    is looking for that thrill again. And the way he gets it? Hanging out with other prospects. The solution to this dilemma straight forward. Keep the relationship fresh and you will both be beyond satisfied. Start by keeping some space and time between you. Hanging
    out with each other every moment of the day and night might make sense at the pinnacle of your affection for each other, but too much of a good thing can easily turn the tables. A little time apart will definitely help the heart grow fonder. Keep things exciting
    by taking the time to plan dates that aren't the norm. A something new to you one day, and something new to him the next. Try something with a little adventure to it to keep his heart at a higher rate when he's with you, a trip to the closest adventure theme park or
    a moving play is always a winner.

  • He could be a proponent of the bettering principle: A person who likes what they have, but are always trying to get something better. For a man who believes that there's always something better, life is really a constant struggle. They change jobs quickly, they are
    quick to change their minds for fear of losing out on the right thing, and frequently end up losing a good thing. Ugh. If that's the guy, um….trust me, he's going through more suffering than you ever will over him. If he doesn't think you're the best, then move on, and move on quickly so you don't have to be bothered wasting your time.

Finding out why he is not able to settle into a quality relationship may be harder than attributing the problem to a commonality. It may be just part of who he is, or a part of his past that he is not willing to talk about. Either way, the only thing you can do is try to understand more about him before you act. Listen to how he talks about people around him, and in his life. How does he handle any kind of permanency, like jobs, or homes. Just by understanding the problem, a solution can present itself in an obvious way. And the solution itself may just be your understanding. He may feel that he hasn't met someone who has taken the time to understand who he is as an individual, and that she is just with her next boyfriend. Let him know you are taking time to understand who is he and he will not be looking any further.

With a man who fears commitment, the worst thing you can do is try to force intimacy onto him. Asking him if he loves you, constantly inquiring about who he hangs out with, making him feel guilty if he didn't call you, etc will instantly set his sensitive alarms off. Enjoy living for yourself first and he won't be worried that you're a woman who depends on him for her social and emotional existence.

It's wise to take time before becoming intimate with someone who has a reputation for playing the field, after all, there's a reason for that reputation. Not only has he probably been intimate with a number of women, but he may not place the same value on intimacy as you do. Having sex too early on may bring you emotionally closer to him, but he may see the relationship as more sexual and less romantic.

Keep in mind that not every player can be tamed and know that just because you want him, doesn't mean it will work. With a veteran player, he really may not be able or willing to change. And if that's the case, it's probably in your best interest to move on - and quickly
before you become too emotionally involved with someone who is unable to reciprocate.

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