Monday, March 31, 2008
Hot tubs are available in many shapes and sizes, from a small two-person variety to a 12 to 16 person party tub. A few are made of wood, but most are made of fiberglass. Yet others are made of concrete and are attached to an in-ground pool. Whatever size or configuration your tub is, it will still provide the same quality of relaxation and pleasure.
Hot tubbing is best undertaken with at least one or more people and preferably in the nude. The social value alone makes up for the money spent on the tub. The relaxation and nearness of naked flesh can lead to erotic moments. The water can be used beneficially as lubricant while having intercourse. The warmth of the water and the motion of the bubbles can increase pleasure many times over. A well-placed jet is a thing to behold!
The jets in a hot tub are powered by water pressure that is created by the tubs circulating pump. Newer hot tubs have jets that can oscillate and perform most of the same tricks your shower massager can, only in a more confined area. The older ones don?t do as many tricks but can be adjusted to suit the user. In the older tubs there is at least one jet for each recommended occupant, so no one is left out. Many tubs have variable speed jets, as well as bubbles that rise up from the seats. Sitting in a hot tub with the bubbles on low, is like sitting inside of a glass of cola; the bubbles rise up around you and fizz gently.
Foreplay in the Tub
Foreplay in the hot tub is rewarding and it can just end at foreplay (to be continued outside of the tub) or it can continue on, either way, the hot tub is a great sex aid.
While seated across from each other, exchange foot massages. Start by gently rubbing the feet and between the toes. It is always fun to have your partner suck on your toes after they have been in the hot tub for awhile, you know the feet are clean. Massage the whole leg, and move up the thigh, as you like.
Women, try aiming a jet so that the main flow on high pressure strikes right on your clitoris. You may have to hold the edge of the tube and kneel on the seat to get the right angle.
Men, you can enjoy the pleasures of the jet by aiming it so that the main flow goes right underneath you. Position yourself so that the flow goes right between your legs and make sure that it touches your scrotum and penis on the way out. You will have to back up to the jet and raise yourself slightly to allow the water to travel under you. High pressure may be too intense, so you might have to turn the jets down some.
Intercourse in the Tub
There are several positions that lend themselves to use in the hot tub, although it is always fun to experiment and come up with your own variations.
To get you started, try having a man sit on a flat seat (not a lounger) in the tub facing toward the center. Then the woman will straddle him, facing toward the outside of the tub. Ease yourself down onto his lap. You can put your feet on the seat behind him or anywhere that is comfortable. He can hold your waist or embrace your body in his arms. He can also hang on to the seat, or step for added stability. You can embrace his body in your arms or hold on to the side of the tub. Whatever you do, you need to hold on!
Another position you may want to try is to have the woman kneel on a step, facing outward. Then the man will kneel in the footwell behind you. You can hold on to the step or the edge of the tub. He will need to hold on to you, some way, or else you will drift apart. This position is also good for getting your shoulders and neck rubbed.
You may also have oral sex in a hot tub. One partner will need to sit on the edge of the tub, while the other remains at least partially in the water. Most hot tubs are a good height for this and it's kind of fun.
Really, it's Normal
Some people find that having sex in a hot tub is difficult. This is normal; not everyone experiences these sensations the same way.
Some men find it difficult to get or maintain an erection in the hot tub. This is common, and can generally be rectified by reducing the heat of the water.
Some women find that having sex in the hot tub causes them to get a vaginal infection. This is common, as well, and can be rectified by changing the chemicals used to sanitize the tub.
The best bet is to experiment. Try hotter water, cooler water, chlorine, bromine, or ozone. Experimentation will lead to the maximum pleasure for all concerned.
Kisses good morning and goodnight work wonders, but kisses throughout the day are even better. So are hugs.
2) Be Supportive, Using ?I? Language
When discussing our feelings we should say how we feel instead of interpreting how the other feels. Avoid verbal attacks, like ?you never?.? or ?you always?.? Nobody ?never ? or ?always? ANYTHING, anyway!
3) Avoid Secrets
Secrets are nearly always at the detriment of relationship. Gifts, however, don?t count, since they are ?surprises.?
4) Be Honest, But Caring
Consider your partner?s feelings when speaking your mind. Explain if your annoyance is because of some other source, as well. Listen openly and ask questions to understand each other.
5) Have Sex Instead of Argue
Couples seem to verbally fight to gain sexual tension. Just avoid that and get to bed at decent time. Make love instead of war.
6) Exchange Massages
A wonderful tension reliever also, this shows us physical love and will sometimes lead to sex (if we stay awake that long). Don?t limit yourself to backs: rub arms, legs, etc?
7) Write A Love Note
It takes no time to write a loving thought to make your partner?s day. A thanks-for-this or an ?I love you? for that brightens an otherwise dull day. It?s also a permanent record of your feelings that may be kept.
8) Light Candles
During dinner, even if you have kids. For a bubble bath (after the kids sleep), and slip in together. Light them in the bedroom, so you watch romantic love bloom above the covers.
9) Let Little Things Slide
So the toilet seat was up (again). So her cooking ain?t the greatest. Will saying so add anything positive to your day? I didn?t think so.
10) Buy A Sexy Gift
Sexy, not slutty. Perfume is a nice thought, but find out her brand first. Know whether he prefers silk boxers or briefs. Buy roses or jewelry for either sex, but visit the sex store together.
Since the beginning of time, people have searched high and low for substances they could use to stimulate and heighten sexual desire in themselves and others. Five thousand years of this searching has given way to some very interesting and sometimes disturbing aphrodisical claims. Modern people may find it odd that animal genitalia was once used in ancient times to increase libido, but the fact is that our quest for magical aphrodisiacs continues today. Can anyone say Viagra?
Whether or not there is any truth behind the claims that aphrodisiacs actually work depends on which ones are in question and who you ask. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA), for instance, contends that all "over-the-counter" aphrodisiacs are based on folklore and legend and that none have been proven to work. Others claim that certain substances have improved their sex lives and their libidos. So, do aphrodisiacs truly cause biological changes in people or is the body's reaction to them purely a psychological matter? In other words, do they really work or is the mind the only true aphrodisiac? A look at just a few of the thousands of substances believed to be sexual stimulants throughout time may help with the answer.
Old Aphrodisiacs Die Hard
Spanish Fly: Just Say No
The legend of this supposed aphrodisiac continues today and has existed since the time of the Roman Empire when an empress named Livia reportedly slipped it to other members of the imperial family to make them commit sexual acts she could use to blackmail them. It's hard to believe that the dried and crushed body of the emerald-green blister beetle could be so popular for so long. What's even harder to believe is that people would risk their lives for the possibility of heightened sexual desire.
Spanish Fly is highly toxic, especially when ingested, and poisonous doses can lead to severe illness and even death. Its active ingredient is cantharidin, which irritates the urinary tract when it is excreted by the kidneys. This can produce too much blood flow to the genitals and, in men, cause Priapism, an abnormal continuous penile erection. This may sound like a good thing, but it is actually really painful. The incorrect belief that the erection results from sexual desire is probably what started the myth of Spanish Fly as an aphrodisiac in the first place. The notorious Marquis de Sade learned the danger of Spanish Fly the hard way in 1772 when he gave the drug to prostitutes in hopes of instigating an orgy. Instead, all of the women fell extremely ill and he was tried for poisoning. The supposed sexual effects of Spanish Fly are still part of urban legend today. If anyone tries to give you Spanish Fly claiming it will increase your desire, it would probably be in your best interest to just say no.
Chan Su: A.K.A. Death by Toad
WARNING: Consuming toad skin can be fatal. And that is exactly what Chan Su is -- a topical drug made from the skin of a Chinese toad that originated in the Orient as an anesthetic. Apparently, it became known as an aphrodisiac because it contains cardiac steroids that have an effect on the body that can be falsely construed as increased sexual potency. The fact is that these steroids can be lethal, causing cardiac dysrythmias and heart failure. Unfortunately, Chan Su made a comeback a few years ago and has been sold in the U.S. under the names of Stone and Rock Hard. What the consumer doesn't realize is that they are ingesting a drug that is only supposed to be applied topically. Four deaths in the early 1990s were blamed on the ingestion of products containing Chan Su that claimed to be aphrodisiacs.
Various foods have gained notoriety for being sexual stimulants since the beginning of time. There is very little scientific evidence that any of them really work for this purpose, but the great thing about them is that, unlike substances like Spanish Fly and Chan Su, it doesn't hurt to try and find out if they do. Most of them are not only said to increase libido, but they are also quite healthy to eat. In fact, some say that the true reason people believe these foods are aphrodisiacs is because healthy eating promotes better physical condition and, in turn, better sexual performance.
Oysters: The Epitome of Aphrodisiacs...and Tasty, Too!
Oysters, particularly raw ones, are famous for being a potent aphrodisiac. Their status as a sexual stimulant originated when Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love for whom aphrodisiacs are named, gave birth to Eros on an oyster shell. Their reputation continued during the reign of the Roman Empire, into 17th century Netherlands where they were regarded as the epitome of an aphrodisiac, and are still believed to be a sexual aide today. The well-known lover, Casanova, is said to have eaten 50 raw oysters in the bath every morning with his current lover to jumpstart his day (which gives a new meaning to the term "rise and shine"). So, do oysters live up to their reputation? There is some evidence that they may actually work. They do contain zinc, which is believed to increase sperm and testosterone production and vaginal lubrication.
Onions: An Unlikely Aphrodisiac
People have been claiming that onions have a potent aphrodisical effect since prehistoric time. Documentation of the belief that onions act as a sexual stimulant dates back to Hindu lovemaking manuals, where they are mentioned quite frequently. During the reign of Pharaoh in Egypt, priests were not allowed to eat onions because it was thought this would hinder their vow of celibacy. Those wacky Romans got in on this one, too, believing that onions helped alleviate male impotency. More recently, French newlyweds feasted on onion soup during their honeymoon to regain their desire and energy after an exhausting wedding night. Truth be known, there is no proof that onions act as anything but a yummy accompaniment to a meal and possibly an antibiotic. It seems that people have figured that out themselves as onions tend to be regarded these days as something you stay away from when you're trying to score, unless you have a strong mouthwash handy.
Spices: Sexual Stimulant or Just Good Eating?
There are dozens of spices that are thought to have an aphrodisical effect, but scientists and sex experts question whether any sexual response brought on by consuming them has more to do with people simply having a love affair with good food than with the spices actually working as a sexual stimulant.
Here are some of the most widely known spices that are said to increase libido:
* Cardamom -- In India, it is believed that a cure for impotence and premature ejaculation can be whipped up by boiling cardamom seeds in milk.
* Cloves -- The claim that ingesting cloves can increase sexual desire has been around since the Chinese came up with it in the 3rd century B.C. There is no proof that the actual consumption of cloves has any aphrodisical effect, but there is some evidence that their scent could be stimulating to some. This may be true. Anyone who has ever smoked clove cigarettes in a crowded nightclub know the attention their smell can attract. And they taste pretty good, too.
* Garlic -- This is another example of a food that, like onions, it seems people should avoid when trying to get lucky rather than using it as an aphrodisiac. But, alas, it had a long history of use as a sexual stimulant, used by Egyptians, Greeks, Romans, Chinese, Japanese and others around the world for this purpose. Despite its popularity, there is no evidence that it works as an aphrodisiac. Hippocrates claimed it could be used as a medication for several illnesses, but the only parts of the body it appears to stimulate are the taste buds.
* Saffron -- Apparently, consuming saffron can cause people to be more sensitive to touch, thus making sex a more stimulating experience. This claim has not been substantiated, but two components of saffron, crocin and crocetin, have been proven to have an effect on the sexual behavior of certain algae, if that tells you anything.
* Vanilla -- Long ago, vanilla was used in cooking to arouse one's appetite for sex, but any stimulation induced by this spice is most likely due to its pleasing scent rather than its taste. A few years ago, vanilla became popular as a ladies' perfume, suggesting that there is some truth behind the claim that its scent can attract others.
Doing it Au Natural: Herbal Aphrodisiacs
Herbs have become increasingly fashionable for use as natural remedies in the past few years. Some people use them to lose weight, others to gain energy and still others use them to increase their libidos.
Two of the most well-known herbs that are said to have an aphrodisical effect are Yohimbe and the ultra popular Ginseng.
Yohimbe comes from the bark of West Africa's Yohimbe tree. Locals in this region have believed for ages that the herb works as a sexual stimulant, but its use does not stop with West Africans. In fact, veterinarians have been known to use Yohimbe to treat impotence in stallions and it has become widely available for human use in recent years. The claim is that this herbal remedy helps men overcome impotency by stimulating the nerve centers in the spine that control erection. Although it has not been proven that the herb works on humans, studies have been done on animals and the FDA is encouraged by the results. Humans who have used the herb have given mixed reviews, but most claim to have experienced the same side effects. Anyone interested in using Yohimbe should first decide if harder erections are worth elevated blood pressure, irritability, nausea and vomiting.
Ginseng has become so popular recently that it's hard to find someone who hasn't used it for one purpose or another. Its reputation as a sexual stimulant has not been substantiated, but it most likely stems from its resemblance to male genitalia. Otherwise, the only claim that has any evidence to back it up is that ginseng may increase energy, which may in turn make sex easier to perform.
The search for substances that act as aphrodisiacs still continues today, which isn't surprising since people have always and most likely will always go to extreme measures to improve their sex lives.
Most aphrodisical claims during the twentieth century turned out to be silly, adolescent myths.
Who can forget the rumor that started back in the 1970s that green M&M? candies made people horny? The M&M/MARS company had no idea where or why this rumor started, but they cashed in on it in 1996 with an advertising campaign that asked, "Is it true what they say about the green ones?" The answer, of course, is no. The green ones have the same effect as all of the other colors. They just plain taste yummy.
Another aphrodisical myth that became popular with teenagers several decades ago is that mixing Coca-Cola and aspirin make people, particularly girls, more willing to have sex. The origin of this rumor is unclear, but it may have come from a mention in the Journal of the American Medical Association back in the 1930s. It warned that teenagers were consuming the combination to get high and that it was as addictive as narcotics. This was a false statement, but it somehow evolved into a rumor that the mixture also worked as an aphrodisiac. There has been no evidence that the concoction does stimulate libido, but it does seem to help get rid of hangovers. The caffeine in Coca-Cola apparently increases the effect of the aspirin.
The only scientifically-proven aphrodisiac born in recent years is the drug Sildenafil, otherwise known as Viagra. Of course, it isn't marketed as an aphrodisiac but rather as a medication for male impotence. After all, it was weird enough to see ex-presidential candidate Bob Dole admitting his impotency in Viagra ads. It probably would have been downright bizarre to hear him talk about an aphrodisiac that helps him get hot for Mrs. Dole. The FDA approved Viagra's release in the U.S. on March 28, 1998, and, faster than you can say "erection," millions of prescriptions for it were filled.
Sildenafil was originally tested as a drug for people with heart problems, but it didn't work out too well. Instead, it was found to have a profound effect on male sexual performance by regulating the enzyme system that helps control erection and so Viagra was born. Apparently, it has had an average success rate of 70%, but the drug does not work alone. A man taking Viagra must simultaneously be exposed to erotic stimulation for the drug to take effect.
Viagra is currently being studied to see if it can be used as an aphrodisiac by women. Since the drug increases blood flow and increased blood flow to the clitoris makes it more sensitive (in much the same way that it makes the penis more sensitive), it may help women come to orgasm easier.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Some men have a reputation that you would rather not know about - he's known to some as a player. But there's a lot more to him than that, or so you hope. Can you ever get this guy to settle down? After all, studies show that men in relationships are happier and better adjusted, so really you'd both be better off, right? Well, he may not see things that way so what can you do? Here's a few ways to catch and tame the playboy that will help you both find happiness.
Have you ever known anyone in this type of situation? When Steven met Laura he decided she was definitely someone he could finally be with exclusively. And while it wasn't the first time he had felt this way, for some reason or another things just never worked out the way he imagined they would. He saw Laura repeatedly for about a month or two and the relationship started waning, before long he was back to his usual self, and other women were in his sights.
Laura knew of his reputation, but he seemed very serious about her and he even told her so. But neither of them saw their relationship blossom into what they each had hoped. Hypersensitive to her man's past of playing the field, Laura tried to keep her man in constant
check, letting him know at all times she would not accept any sort of philandering. His reaction was immediately instant confirmation that it's better to love 'em and move on. This is an unfortunate example of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But there's more to it than that. There's something else that he's worried about or protecting himself from. It may take a little time to identify why it is that he feels he is better off a playboy,
when the truth is that he probably is not. There are a few reasons why many men follow this kind of lifestyle, and putting his fears to rest will hlep him commit. Here are some examples:
- He was burned in the past. This is more common than you think, which is why it may even sound trite. But when men put a large part of their heart out on a limp, and then ended up crushed, he may not want to put himself in that position again. There are a few
ways to try to get him to see that you are not the one that is going to hurt him. Tell him. If he ever mentions the ex-girlfriend incident, let him talk it out. Ask him questions, and don't criticize him. Don't criticize her either, but let him know where you agree with
- Another common reason men tend to play the field is the fear of the relationship quickly falling into a rut. They love the beginnings of a relationship just as we all do. The chase, the catch, the nervousness and the giggles. But when the relationship starts to plateau, he
is looking for that thrill again. And the way he gets it? Hanging out with other prospects. The solution to this dilemma straight forward. Keep the relationship fresh and you will both be beyond satisfied. Start by keeping some space and time between you. Hanging
out with each other every moment of the day and night might make sense at the pinnacle of your affection for each other, but too much of a good thing can easily turn the tables. A little time apart will definitely help the heart grow fonder. Keep things exciting
by taking the time to plan dates that aren't the norm. A something new to you one day, and something new to him the next. Try something with a little adventure to it to keep his heart at a higher rate when he's with you, a trip to the closest adventure theme park or
a moving play is always a winner.
- He could be a proponent of the bettering principle: A person who likes what they have, but are always trying to get something better. For a man who believes that there's always something better, life is really a constant struggle. They change jobs quickly, they are
quick to change their minds for fear of losing out on the right thing, and frequently end up losing a good thing. Ugh. If that's the guy, um….trust me, he's going through more suffering than you ever will over him. If he doesn't think you're the best, then move on, and move on quickly so you don't have to be bothered wasting your time.
With a man who fears commitment, the worst thing you can do is try to force intimacy onto him. Asking him if he loves you, constantly inquiring about who he hangs out with, making him feel guilty if he didn't call you, etc will instantly set his sensitive alarms off. Enjoy living for yourself first and he won't be worried that you're a woman who depends on him for her social and emotional existence.
Keep in mind that not every player can be tamed and know that just because you want him, doesn't mean it will work. With a veteran player, he really may not be able or willing to change. And if that's the case, it's probably in your best interest to move on - and quickly
before you become too emotionally involved with someone who is unable to reciprocate.
Throw a party at your house, and let him know "you would love to see him there." Then let him see how confident you are as a host a great party. Let him see all your friends around you. This is great way to have other people discuss you in a positive manner. And a party makes you the common denominator, inevitably you get a great deal of positive love and attention, what else can he think of you except that you must be great! Let him see how creative, spontaneous, and interesting you are even before you say one word to him. Let him see what a great cook you are, and how generous you are.
Under any circumstances, DO NOT:
- Get intoxicated,
- Have an argument with anyone
- Look nervous and ask everyone if they're having a good time
- Start cursing when something burns or spills
- Act loud and silly to get his attention - trust me, it's your party, you've
got his attention
- Remember to introduce him to everyone at the party and make him feel absolutely
as comfortable as possible;
- Make sure he's not a vegetarian, and serve only burgers and hot dogs;
- Invite people you know to stir up trouble or who may try to belittle you;
- Wear something functional (since you're the host and will be moving around
a lot), but form fitting (not tight);
- Make sure your home is IMMACULATE (remember he may start thinking about
a relationship with you as soon as his first conversation with you);
If you work with him:
Start something fun that will involve people at the office: Like an activity board, or charity function: This will give you an opportunity to:
- Show off your skills;
- Become a focus for positive attention;
- Have people start talking about you in a positive way (it'll get back
- Have a good reason to have an extended conversation with him, ask his
advise or involve him.
- Look helpless hoping he'll feel an insatiable need to save you from your
- Always shrugging, looking flustered, making jokes about messing up something
in front of your boss.
- Let him know you are in total control of your destiny by always looking
like everything's going smoothly;
- Let him know that you're interested in the way his department functions.
- Ask him relevant questions, to which the answer may involve your department.
Here are a few more reasons why flirting can be good for you. It gets you the guy you want. This silent language that signals interest mixed with intent is spoken all over the world. Now it's your turn to let him know the time is now. Okay, okay, we all know the basics. Woman walks into place, and her eyes land on a man she finds tickles her fancy. She plays with her hair, licks her lips, stands a little taller.
He pushes his chest out, laughs loudly, produces an almost cocky smile. With both signals blazing even from across the room, the signs are received and the two somehow meet. Wonder why?
Not so amazing, flirting is a relatively risk free mechanism to attract attention and signal personal information to the member of the opposite sex. Non-verbal signals that relay information are the flirting moves that will offer the most payback. Fingering Hair: Full, well kept hair relays biological information that indicated good health. Sensual walk in a form fitting dress: Makes body look curvier. An important attractant. Reddish lipstick, full lips: Symbolizes sexual maturity and sexual receptivity. Arching Eyebrows: Makes eyes look larger - Well you get the idea. So this is why we flirt, and another reason it's important to understand the importance of body confidence before you get out there.
Flirting is a way of communicating interest and intent to people we don't yet have direct
contact with. Our human ancestors and our animal counterparts have flirted since the beginning of time. Subtle or obvious visual signal convey specific information, and allows the intended recipient to gauge who you are, what you want and other information. A sexy form of advertising. The language is universal. All over the world women and men mimics strategies even though they have never come in contact. Flirting is Progressive. Initial flirting, engaged look, then diverting the eyes, hands on hips, drawing the eyes to the lower part of the body turns into an accidental meeting.
Okay, so we know that flirting is good for you, it's fun, and it works. So what now? Get out and DO IT.
Tips for the shy - Use your vivid imagination and walk through a mental picture of your doing every single one of these flirting tips, it'll make it easier - I promise.
At a party, gathering or social setting:
You see him from across the room, make subtle eye contact. A moment later, make real eye contact, smile and look away. This signals interest, no debate about it. He will know.
If you are introduced by someone, be sure to shake hands.
Repeat his name after it's told to you. Repeat it during the first conversation. Every man loves to hear his name said by a woman, and this way your more likely to remember it.
Ask open ended questions (not one answered by 'yes' or 'no').
Listen intently and ask a follow up.
Flattery will get you everywhere. Nothing too obvious though.
Very subtly mimic his posture and voice tone and speed. He will feel an instant bond!
Play with your hair while looking at him, with a subtle smile
Look slowly around the room while he talks to you, elongated and giving him ample time to look at your arching neck.
- Ask where he got his tie/shirt/other clothing, you'd like to pick up a similar item for your brother/father
- Just walk up to him and ask him he saw "recent concert/big show" No matter yes or no, say oh you heard someone talking about it and you thought it was him.
- If you're at a party, just walk up to him and ask him who he knows there. Probably you know some of the same. Compliment one of them.
- Confess something (maybe something he can relate to) "Wow, it looks like I'm the only one who didn't bring something to the party. I was just in such a rush, I didn't have time.
And now a few don'ts:
Try not to fidget. Don't stare. Don't mention looking for someone, or your family problems, or any problems for that manner. Don't tease, or try to seem easy, or be overtly sexual. Don't keep your arms and legs crossed out of nervousness, this is very closed body language.
Basically, it doesn't matter too much what you say as long as you approach with confidence but in a casual manner. Men enjoy meeting women who seem nice and intelligent, and who take care of how they look. Yes, they want to meet you, so put your shyness behind you and go for it!
Here's why: The more you listen to him, the more he will open up. When you let him open up to you, you accomplish several results: First, by allowing uncritical listening, you allow him to feel extremely comfortable around you. Helping your perspective mate feel comfortable is one the most important things you can do, and will have him to want to be around you often.
And then there is another effect. It is called transference, and it is a powerful phenomenon. You may associate Sigmund Freud with this term or a psychology class you remember. Sigmund Freud coined the term and studied its effects at length after so many patients confessed their love to him during therapy. Freud ended up putting a screen between him and his patients - it didn't help. Several types of professionals experience this all to common phenomenon today.
This happens for a few reasons: Unburdening themselves was pleasurable because it alleviates stress, but more importantly it was the 'transference of affection'. As your man is divulging his personal history, thoughts, actions and desires, the affection he holds for these is being transferred to the listener. In the same way that therapists, counselors, clergymen and other professional who spend time listening uncritically find themselves the object of much affection, you can use this principle to make a substantial and positive effect on his feeling towards you. The term transference actually refers to transference of feelings. By talking about life's activities that produce heartfelt emotion, the feeling is transferred from the previous event, to the present. You are the both catalyst and the present entity while this transference of emotion takes place, and the feeling become associated to you. Similarly when men talk about a very pleasant subject, namely themselves, the affection for that subject then transfers to the catalyst once again and translating into love for you. Just by listening to him, you can open up his affection for you, and keep it. Make no mistake about it, he needs someone who he can talk to, and you want to be the one.
Here's how to make it work for you: Begin your uncritical listening by asking open-ended questions. These are questions that are not easily answered with a 'yes' or 'no'. Start with questions that are related to current situations in his life that you sense he is interested in. If you barely know him, this will be the easiest way to get him talking. Once he gets used to talking, start with asking him open-ended questions about his childhood, his parents, how he feels about his job, the people he's close to. Try to mention the questions casually so that he doesn't feel investigated, as he is not used to people being so interested and listening so intently. The fact that he is not used to this, is a benefit because it creates a uniquely satisfying interaction that he wants and needs, but it may take time before he is able to really ready to talk openly about his feelings.
For instance, you walk by a house and say, "wow that house is so similar to mine, it reminds me of being 5 years old." What was your house like when you were 5. When he answers, don't rush to comment. Make it clear that you are listening but don't try to liken the situation to yours, your main purpose now is to get him to keep talking. Even if he answers with short answers at first, just keep listening, and he will start talking more. These are the type of questions that are good to get him to talk : Who are his favorite relatives? Why When did he first think of becoming a(n) (his occupation)? Why? What are some of the things he is proudest of in his life? What are these accomplishments? What was he like as a little boy? How did he get along with his siblings?
Well, you get the idea. Everyone likes to talk about his or herself. That's just human nature. By being the one he knows he can talk to, you make yourself an important part of his life.
Seduction Mistake #1: Expecting the relationship to solve your problems: Your life is in a lull, nothing brings you pleasure or excitement, and every new day seems as dull as the last. The only thing going for you is the guy you're seeing or dating, and so you put all your energy and time and passion into pleasing him. After all, at least he'll appreciate the attention, right? Wrong. He will feel smothered, he get bored quickly and he will eventually trying to shake your neediness by losing you as quickly as he can.
What works: Try other ways to enrich your life with new knowledge and activities that you've never tried before. Your boredom will be the only thing lost and soon you will find passion in a great deal of things, and he will be drawn to your passion of other things in life. He will be impressed by the new hobby or knowledge, and happiness is contagious, let him catch the fever!
Seduction mistake #2: Sleeping with him too soon. If you've been on a date or two with this new guy, and so far you don't sense him feeling all the sparks you are, you can bet your bottom dollar sex isn't going to help - no matter how good you are in bed. Just because men love sex, doesn't mean they fall in love with you because you can give it to him. In fact, the easier it comes, the less likely he is to want it again, so don't be surprised if he doesn't call after the first of second date if there's sex involved. And you shouldn't be worried that he thinks you a prude, not for a second. On the contrary, if you sleep with him too soon, he will think this is common place for you, and will not see you as a long term partner. That's really the nicest way I can put it.
What works: Find a way to put off sex until he is emotionally involved with you. Sex will then enhance his feelings towards you because he already is thinking of you as someone he would like to see romantically. Deny him in a way so that he won't feel sexually rejected. End the date outside of either or your apartments. If you are being pursued in a sexual manner, Saying something like, "I'm very attracted to you, but I don't like to rush into things," lets him know that you won't deny him in the future, you find him sexy, but that you are a woman who has respect for herself and for her body. He will definitely appreciate that.
Seduction mistake #3: Projection. There he is, Mr. Right, except for facts One, Two and Three (like he's married, lives a state away and has children). You'd be surprised how many women can ignore facts like this while they're daydreaming about a long train on a fairy tale gown. Just because you imagine all the details so perfectly in your mind about his ringing your doorbell one day, while his station wagon waits behind him, motor still running and packed to the brim with all his belongings, doesn't mean it's going to happen. Or maybe he's the kind of guy who only sees you on SOME of the weekends because he's got a part time job that you don't really hear about. Just becuase you think he's going to quit this job, and stop drinking during the week, doesn't mean it will. In fact, he's seeing 3 different women, he drinks because he's an alcoholic, and he's not going to change unless he's actively making an effort already. These troubled men will not grow closer to you, they are a waste of your valuable time, and they never fall into the fantasy.
What works: Just keep a mental note of things that he may do that may warning signs if it were a friends boyfriend. What advice what you give to her? Be a good friend to yourself and follow the advice. You'll be thankful in the long run.
Seduction mistake #4: Chasing the man of your dreams. Remember this rule: If you chase him, he will run. That's right. What works for the gander doesn't always work for the goose. Isn't it funny how men's persistence eventually pays off. He calls and calls, and woos and woos, and while once you weren't so interested, now he's a staple in your life. Well don't try this at home ladies. Calling him repeatedly, answering his messages the second you get in the door, buying him gifts, seeing him everyday, and asking him why he's ignoring you, will only leave you empty handed. Ladies, I KNOW you really like him, and that you're thinking about him all time, that if he likes you then why wouldn't he want to hear the sound of your voice. But men just don't work that way. It will take time. If you chase him, again he will feel smothered and will equate you with some midnight movie called, the "Temp" or the "Babysitter" or something. And keep in mind, that this mistake cannot be undone. What's he starts feeling overyly pursued or smothered, he will only think about getting away from you and you won't be able to get him back. So write that down somewhere if you have to, and when your dying to call him, and leave that second message on his answering machine, perhaps you'll get over the urge.
What works: Getting him to chase you: That's right. Men love the chase. They want to think that all their efforts are going to finally pay off some day, the same way it does in work and sports and everything else they love. So try forgetting to return his last 2 messages, not being home on the weekends, turning him down for a date because you have to take care of something. He will just try harder, and the harder he tries, the more he will know that you're worth it, or else why would he try so hard. You'll have plenty of time to dote on him when he is deeply in love with you and when he appreciates every bit of your attention.
Seduction Mistake #5: Losing Thyself. When people first start dating, they focus on the similarities, and naturally this brings them closer. Then increased closeness becomes the ground for increase time spent together, and the couple will mesh even more by attending the same functions, increase exposure and overall time spent together. Ah, you can even finish each other sentences. So what about your girlfriend you used to be so close with. What about the activities you used to do with friends or even by yourself. Ever cancelled plans you made with a friend to spend time with him? If you find yourself doing it more frequently, you will start alienating the friends you used to have and hold dear and depend on him more and more. So where do you end and he begins. If it getting harder and harder to tell, then you may soon have a problem on your hands. Giving up your identity to be closer to him, will backfire in the long run. When you are willing to drop everything to be with him, he will come to expect enough that he knows he doesn't need to accommodate you, as you are all too willing. The less effort he puts into the relationship the less important it becomes to him. And the less unique you are, the less interesting you become to him, and that's just human nature.
What works: Holding on to your identity is easy when you make a conscious effort. Don't change your personality to get along with him. He likes you for you, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, move on quickly so you can spend more time with the person that does. Continue spending time with your friends and family, he will see you as a family oriented women who is committed to things is life she cares about. Pursue your own activities and interests and don't tell him every single detail. This time is for you. And remember, you two are a couple; that's TWO people, not one. He doesn't have to go to every single place or event that you go to. He'll think about you when you're gone, let him ask you about it before you tell him.
Skin is always in and good skin is one of the most attractive features a woman can have, so concentrate your time taking care of your skin, and you'll need less make-up to look gorgeous. The most attractive skin is measured by its smoothness, evenness of tone and pore size.
Here's how to get it! Make sure all products in your cabinet match your skins ever changing condition - your face soap especially. So take extra special care of dry skin with a quality creamy cleanser, and use moisturizer with sunblock to combat the drying effects of the sun. If you have normal to oily use a neutral pH product, but not one that leaves your face tight. You may be trying to get back at your oily skin, and enjoy the feeling of a perfectly oil free skin for a few moments, but your face will not appreciate the over zealousness, and the oil will return with a vengeance thanks to a reaction by sebaceous glands.
At night use a quality moisturizer with beta or alpha hydroxy to reveal fresher, newer skin underneath, and during the day use one with a UVA guard. These products will smoothen out the skin, even out tone reduce the appearance of pores.
The only other thing you can do to reduce the appearance of your pore size is to use a pore strip. The effects last about 2 days, and Biore's strips are the first and best on the market. That's it. Keep this routine consistent and you'll have the sexiest skin around
Okay, so now your ready to open up your make-up bag and get down to business. Wait. Before you continue on with your regular routine, rethink the point and start from scratch.
We all use makeup to be more appealing, so make sure your routine does exactly that. First rule of thumb is to know that your face is beautiful just the way it is. If you know this, you are at less danger of using make-up to hide, and using it to enhance instead. There always comes the point where any more is pointless, and then a hindrance.
A good rule of thumb is to remember that just because it's on the shelf, doesn't mean it has to be on your face. So let's start with a bare face and work our way up from there.
Foundation can be a great help to enhance the look of your skin, the sexiest organ there is. But it is also the trickiest makeup you own, and can easily foil your plans for great looking skin. About 45% of women would be greatly benefited by a different color foundation then the one they currently wear. Please don't let this be you. You spend countless hours picking out lipstick and eye color shades, but this time would be much better spent picking out the perfect color for your foundation.
Most over the counter make-up tends to be too pink for your face, but without proper lighting, you will be unable to tell. Remember, the whole point is to even out the tone, not paint over it with a new color! Go on a mission to get the perfect color for your face. Rule #1. Don't trust the woman at the cosmetics counter. She'll get you the closest shade they have, but it may not be the one for you. Be a stickler. Let the woman know you only want the perfect match. She'll understand, because she would NEVER settle for less than perfect for herself. Try the foundation on, walk out of the store with a compact into the sunlight and into the shade and see what happens. If it's not perfect - Don't buy it. If you bought it, don't wear it. Go for the sheerest texture you feel comfortable with.
Rule #2. Focus on 2-3 things that actually make you more attractive. Remember that too much make-up is often a pet peeve for men, and that goes double when it applies to the girl on their arm.
The first thing a man notices on a woman's face is her eyes, the second is her mouth. This makes it easy. If you only wear 2 pieces of make-up, make it lipstick/gloss and mascara.
Lips are an erogenous zone: When his eyes are focused on your mouth, he is focus on an erogenous zone and will react accordingly. Men are most attracted to lipstick colors in the red family, it simulates the sympathetic nervous systems reaction to sexual readiness. Read: A sexy mouth. Alright! Forget trend/cute colors, like hot pink, orange, gold or purple. They might get your man's attention, but he won't be thinking of kissing those lips. Use a lip liner in a close match to lipstick to smooth the shape of your lips (symmetry is attractive to the human eye and will draw his eyes to your sexy pout).
The eyes have it: We use them to communicate in countless ways including meet, greet, flirt, tell who we are, react and explain - and according to a recent study by UCLA, 65% of men say they are the first thing they notice about a woman. You want him to focus on your eyes, so that he is looking into you, not over you, and here he will meet the woman he will get to know. Don't let your make-up be a hindrance here. It is a mistake. Common mistakes are too much eyeliner, non-neutral colors (green, blue, purple, orange).
Widen your eyes with a light color on the brow and close to the lash, and a neutral color in the middle.
Use a quality soft-black or black mascara and use no more than 2 coats. Clumpy mascara is never attractive. This will draw attention to the eyes, and let you bat like a pro!
Hold on to your own personal life: Hopefully you had your own life before you met him, so you'd better keep it when you have him. When couples spend large amounts of time together, they create a life together that consists of things you do together, share and will do in the future, but it's important for your own personal growth that you maintain your own interests and activities. Your interests are what make you unique, and keep you from becoming a stagnant entity, which is what attracted him to you in the first place. He will love the fact that you are an independent person who will keep on challenging herself, and always have engaging interests. Make time for your friends as you did before you met him, make time for yourself, don't drag him to things he's really not interesting in, like shoe shopping.
Keep flirting: Flirting isn't just for the newly introduced and recently started dating. Flirting with your long term boyfriend reminds him that you are still madly attracted to him, and that you will be in the future. It is important to his ego and masculinity when he knows you find him sexy. It makes for a better sex life, which is another important aspect of long lasting couples. Remind him of the woman he fell head over heels for by giving him coy compliments when he calls you from his job. Over dress when he least expects (hint: where something flirty in his favorite color.) Drop sassy compliments any time, "hey sexy" is a nice start, or complimenting him on his style or appearance while wearing a sultry grin works just fine!
Mind those manners: When you first meet him you're on your best behavior and slowly without your even noticing, your manners tend to disintegrated until somewhere down the line when you're with him you act as if you aren't in front of company at all. Slipping into a too relaxed state is common, but remember that his continued company is worth minding yourself. Keep yourself aware as the relationship grows. Things like belching out loud, ignoring him when he comes home or when you are eating together, running out of patience quickly. Remember, he's not your family until he puts the ring on your finger, don't treat him like he's always going to be around just because he always is.
On that same note, what are you doing with those rollers in your hair or the equivalent? Not going to the gym as much, forgetting the Listerine you used to use religiously? Fingernails just plain ragged? Well the girl who flirts with him at his work didn't forget these details. Basically it's just not a good idea to let your appearance decline just because you've already got him. Taking good care of your health and looks will keep your appearance and esteem at a healthy level that you'll both enjoy.
Boost his ego: He's got a big one, and he'd like to keep it that way. When he first meets a woman, and he gets those silly feelings in his stomach that he can't quite explain, and then he gets her attention and eventually her company it puts his ego on a high he wants to keep forever - let him have his way. This is one the most important things you can do to inspire him and keep him happy. His ego is tied to his dreams and his goals, so just dropping the odd compliment is not always good enough - anyone can do that. The best way to boost his ego is to show him that you believe in him and that let him talk openly about his goals in life and let him know that you believe that he can and will accomplish them.
Keep criticism at a constructive level, and temper it with a fair tone. He does expect, as well as respect, a fair amount of criticism, but be careful of your timing and tone. Critiquing him too much wears away at his temper and self esteem, but a healthy dose of criticism reminds him that you care, that there's room for improvement, and that he won't be getting away with anything. But the next time he leaves the seat up, or the toothpaste cap off, maybe you could let it slide. Save your criticism for something a little more meaningful. He forgot an important date? Let him know how it made you feel. He really messed up, you warned him, and now he's faced with the consequences, then you'll want to wait until the pinnacle of his anger or hurt is over, to gently suggest that he can avoid the problem next time by "blank".
These 5 relationship anchors will keep him close to you, and make him appreciate you more everyday that he's with you. He's worth the time and the effort, and by following these principles you can keep him in love with you for years to come.
Ay, but here's the rub?the simple desire to bring him closer by playing on his insecurities can easily backfire. His fragile ego makes him more sensitive than he appears. Making him too jealous is the last thing you want - inevitably it leaves us worse off, leaving us further away from him, and may start a cycle of distrust.
So the question is, can jealousy be used in a positive way? Yes it can! It can help him realize how much he appreciates both you and his relationship with you. What you want to do is just start him thinking about your not being around as much, and even start him thinking that, without his appreciation, you may start looking for someone who will show you the appreciation you deserve.
Here's how: The trick is subtlety! And of course this means that you start his mind moving based on thoughts, not actions!
For Example: You and he always go out on Friday nights; you bicker over what to do, or end up seeing whatever local theaters are playing. What does this mean to him? "She'll be there, waiting for me to pick her up, I hope there's a good action movie playing, or maybe she won't want to go and I can hang out with the guys." So this time when he calls on Friday you simply don't pick up the phone, or when he calls you explain that you'd rather not go tonight there's a book that you just can't put down - and when he calls later that night (he will) you definitely don't pick up the phone.
Of course when he catches up with you in a day or two and wonders where you've been over the weekend you were "just taking care of errands, hanging out with your girlfriends etc." Meanwhile he was thinking all sorts of things we can't even imagine.
Don't bother to try and fuel his imagination by being coy or misleading. His imagination is already hard at work. Put his fears to rest or this is where the distrust starts. And of course never insinuate that it was all to give him a moment to be jealous. Let him suffer a little and act like you never even noticed, other wise he will feel you are trying to play games with him and that you got the best of him.
Other examples include:
- Stop checking your answering machine in front of him
- Not mentioning every single place you went that day or that week, wait until he asks
- Getting someone to make eye contact with you, and respond to you without letting your man seeing you initiate this contact. He'll just see someone staring at you
- Have friend mention someone was asking about you - male of course.
The overt commitment phobic will be honest and tell you that they are a "confirmed bachelor" or that they "never want to get married".
Overt commitment phobics are easy enough to avoid, if you take their comments at face value and dump them, if you want a long-term committed relationship.
The covert commitment phobic is much more difficult to spot. In the early stages of a relationship, the covert commitment phobic will be actually be quite the romantic and intense, your classic "Casanova" (See Dating Red Flags). Below are some tips to help you spot a covert commitment phobic in the early stages of a relationship, so that you have time to exit before your heart is broken.
1. He or she comes on strong and shows more interest in you than you do in him or her.
A covert commitment phobic loves the excitement of pursuing love and gets a high off of the chase. So as long as you are not that interested, he/she stills feels safe and will continue to pursue you. The moment you let him/her know that you are falling for him/her, the intensity of the relationship will cool down immediately with a strong possibility of the covert commitment phobic dumping you because he/she is beginning to feel trapped or smothered.
2. He or she tells you how special you are and act like they cannot live without you.
In the beginning, they may even say things like:
- "I can't believe that you are still single"
- "You are the type of woman (or man) I could spend the rest of my life with"
3. He or she has a history of many failed short- term relationships.
Beware this is a HUGE RED FLAG!!! Past behavior has long been touted as the best predictor of future behavior. Don't fall for the line "the reason my other relationships did not work was because I never met anyone like you". As flattering as this line might be, it is a classic line to get you to overlook this serious character flaw.
4. He or she hints for a more permanent or long- term relationship.
Remember, it is not what a person says, it is what their actions show. Be on the watch to see if their words and actions align. While he may say he wants to buy you a ring, wait and see if he actually does buy you the ring and follows through on his word. Remember, talk is cheap.
5. He or she calls you up often just to say "Hi" or "I love you".
In the early stages of a relationship, your commitment phobic will call you frequently to chat, that is, until you appear to be interested.
6. He or she refers to the both you in a future tense.
The commitment phobic makes gestures of future plans with you. Once again all talk. They love the illusion of an intimate relationship, they are just terrified of commitment. They may say something like "we" go on vacation "next year" I'll buy you that "diamond ring".
7. He or she tries to get you to "commit" to them exclusively or sexually.
The commitment phobic is frequently insecure. They want you to be exclusive to them, but may have difficulty in staying exclusively committed to you. They are always looking for a fight, so they can quickly run off and date someone else. That is, until they get afraid that you may actually be moving on with your life. They don't want to commit to you forever, but just don't seem to be able to commit to not being with you forever either. If you are dating a covert commitment phobic, you will frequently experience the on again, off again relationship, because they are simply too insecure.
8. He or she acts like you are their number one priority in their life.
Once again, the key in recognizing a person who is truly ready for a committed relationship and a covert commitment phobic is in their actions over the long haul. Remember, the commitment phobic is able to make you a priority in their life, just long enough to catch you, then the intrigue and the hunt is over.
9. He or she goes out of their way to earn your trust.
He or she may cancel plans with their friends and family to be with you, offer to wax your car, or paint your house, as a way of demonstrating their "commitment" or "devotion" to you, while in the pursuit stage of the relationship. Once they feel they have earned your trust, you will notice a dramatic difference in their behavior.
10. He or she may act "needy" or "vulnerable" as a way to make you feel sorry for them.
They may even resort to tears, when they state how much they need you. This is just a tactic to lure you in. Once again, it is not the tears, but the consistency and integrity of their words and actions that you should be using to gauge the depth of their commitment to you.
Listen To Them!
I cannot stress enough the importance of really "listening" to the person you are dealing with. Of course, the notion of "listening" to someone's words on the screen is ridiculous - but if you consider that in the sense they are "speaking" to you - this makes perfect sense. Do they sound too good to be true? We'd all really like to believe the person we are coming to enjoy knowing and speaking with is exactly as they say they are. We want nothing more than to take them at face value. But reading these stories we find often that the real-deal is the exception rather than the rule. Read what they are writing - pin them down on "iffy" details - if they refuse to be pinned, or remain evasive, consider that a RED FLAG and proceed with caution!
Does it Make Sense?
What if you are left with questions that, in your mind, really don't make sense - but the person you are speaking with has a quick explanation. Ask yourself, more than once - is it really believable? For example - "I'd love to meet you soon.. but I have some details or personal matters to take care of first" should provide a RED FLAG. While none of us wants to pry or probe for information, we have to ask ourselves "what kind of personal details or matters are so important that preclude this person from being able to meet me?". Do you have to ask online permission first to call someone? If so, that is a good indication that the person you are dealing with isn't really "free" to meet you at all. Who else lives there? Is it possible the person you are dealing with is still married? While it is true that many people looking for love on-line may still be married, and dealing with the aftermath of terminating their marriages - it's important to establish this well in advance of involving yourself with someone else. Most people understand that often, marriages can take time to end - that doesn't make the person any less available, as long as you can clarify details, and this can be accomplished by calling them at their home (once you have established a comfortable rapport with each other and have exchanged phone numbers). Call when they aren't expecting your call - do they have an answering machine? Who's voice is on it? Are they secretive, do they speak in hushed tones or are they angry or upset that you called without notice? These are pretty good indications that your unexpected call was not as welcome as you would have liked. If this is the type of response your surprise phone call receives, be prepared for some fancy footwork from the other person when they finally do hook up with you, while they explain the reasons for their reaction. Fancy footwork usually involves weaving a tale that on it's surface - sounds plausible, but little else. Do it again! If your first surprise phone call wasn't as welcome as you would have liked, do it again! If you get the same kind of reaction - you can draw your own conclusions. Make these calls at different times. This does not mean harass anyone! But a couple of calls spread out over the span of a week or two certainly do not equal harassment. After all.. this is someone who is supposedly very interested in you.
With the issue of dishonesty or deception as to the other person's actual weight or age clearly being one of the main issues of Honesty - how do we accomplish the goal of finding out if they're telling the truth? I won't begin to discuss the issues surrounding why weight, etc., is so important.. suffice it to say - if you're telling the truth about yourself, then it doesn't matter. On the other hand, if you want to base a relationship on dishonesty, and the person you are speaking with has a clear idea as to your weight - and you're lying - why do you think you deserve to have any kind of relationship at all? Often, people will try to put off that inevitable first meeting for as long as possible when they are being dishonest about weight. The logical thinking behind this is that for as long as they can delay this, they will make every effort to lose this weight. Of course, this is ludicrous on it's surface as weight loss takes a long time, and people who haven't started a diet aren't likely going to be able to manage substantial weight loss to their own satisfaction in this time frame. But how do you know what they Really look like? Old pictures often tell a thinner or younger story - and we can be stunned or shocked to go to meet the person in the old picture, and find the real person - who we didn't even recognize! There are no shortage of excuses for "why" people don't have current pictures.. "I don't have a scanner", "I don't have a camera", "I haven't gotten the pictures scanned yet", "I don't have time" .. Let's be real here. Any photocopy service in this day and age does photo scanning. They charge an average of $10 (and that's judging from prices of about a year ago) and it takes less than an hour. With the emergence on the marketplace of low-cost personal scanners, we all probably know someone who has a scanner. No current picture? Nobody to take one for you? Heck, there's no shortage of places you can get a picture taken. I once resorted to asking the guy at the store where I buy my bottled water to take my picture, handing him my polaroid. If you aren't being dishonest about yourself, chances are, you have a current picture or have the means to get one. How do we know if it's a current picture? That indeed seems to be the big question here. The best idea I had (and this is lame, I know) is to hold up the day's newspaper (not in front of you, but just off to the side). Sure, the actual date will be impossible to read - but the day's headline sure won't be hard to miss!
When you read these stories, you'll see that indeed, it is possible now to meet up with someone who isn't interested in you at all, but rather what you can do for them or what they can take from you. Too bad they're there - until we can find a means to stop them, the best we can do is protect ourselves. How do you know if someone is out to "con" you? Let's look at the theory behind "cons" or "confidence" people. That's how they work isn't it? The put you at ease immediately, they agree with everything you say, they pour out undying and heartfelt emotions almost immediately. How is it possible?? How can they "love" you almost immediately without ever having met you? I've heard the lamest arguments on this point "well what about in the olden days with pony express? People met, fell in love and married that way all the time!" Uh huh.. hellooo! This is not the 1800s.. we have the means, we have the technology - why would ANYONE make this kind of argument to validate their feelings for someone else? If you defend that train of thought - I'll expect to see your story here sooner or later. The fact is - "LOVE" is not possible without physically meeting someone or spending time in getting to know them. I will not argue that infatuation is possible, or that feelings of joy, contentment and overwhelming desire are possible. But the "connection" between two people who have not met, or have spoken for less than a month online is not. Why the rush to love? These people aren't going anywhere.. I can certainly understand the feelings of loneliness and the wonder and joy of being "in love" and having someone who "loves" you in return. It's Wonderful!! But.. it takes a bit of time. Anyone Who tells you they love you within the first week or so of knowing you online is a liar!. There, I've said it - it's out. Would you believe anyone who, in real life, told you they loved you if they'd just met you the week before? No way! Same rules apply here. NOT POSSIBLE. When and if you hear those three little words that mean so much, step back. Step back hard and tell them you are doing just that. If it's "real" or "true" love, it will last forever and stand the test of time, and they will respect that you question your feelings and thiers. If it's still "love" after a few weeks or a month - meet and meet soon!! You will know when you meet in person if what you felt online is what you feel for them in person.
Why Meet Soon?
Let's face it - the internet provides us several unique opportunities to meet a great number of people from one "site". Personals sites list several thousand people each - chat rooms give them the chance to interact - e-mail affords them the privacy to correspond with several people at once. If you have the means to meet people who live far away - wonderful! When you meet that "special someone" and you feel very strongly for them, and you believe that they are honest and genuine - meet them soon! Find out before you make emotional investments if they are the same in person as they were online. Spare yourself the agony of allowing yourself to "feel" for them online, to live for their letters, only to find out that you were not the only one, or that your online feelings did not translate "in real life" when you met them face to face and found out that really, the spark was not there. Be true to yourself, if you do not have the means to sustain a long distance relationship - don't pursue one. Yes, I know, you will have to make yourself wait longer to meet someone from a closer area, but too many have already invested heavily in trips they could ill afford only to find disappointment and deception on the other end.
There are services that I have recently found - that cater especially to those of looking for love on the internet. They are extremely affordable - and for a minimal price - you can find out some things about the person you are becoming interested in - even if these aren't things you really wanted to know.
In Summary - I have addressed my thoughts on how to tell if people are honest. They include 1. Listen to them! Watch for stories or aspects about them that sound "iffy" or evasive. Press them for details and stand firm if they try to lead the conversation away from those details! 2. Get a Current Photo! It's tough to ask someone to take a picture holding a newspaper - but if they are who they say they are - you need only explain to them you've "been there, done that" with others who were deceptive or dishonest - and you just really need to know, that it's not personal. If they take it personally, there is yet another RED FLAG for you to pay attention to! 3. Take Your Time! If they seem to have fallen in love with you almost immediately - Step Back!. Why are they telling you so soon that they love you? Why the rush to love? Sure, we all love being in love - but why the rush? If it's meant to be it will last forever.. TAKE YOUR TIME! They aren't going anywhere and if they are, you should be worried anyway! 4. Meet Them Soon! Do not allow yourself to make a sizeable emotional investment in anyone that isn't able to meet you! People who delay or put off that first meeting, it would seem, have something to hide. Insist on meeting them within a month of meeting them online. Allow yourself that month to get to know them and determine if after that month, you still feel for them. Allow yourself the opportunity to meet them in person to see if it's really "love". Be kind to yourself. If they're the right person - nothing you could ask them would put them off. If they've spent any time on the net - they've had similar experiences and Should Be Asking The Same of You!! And if they're not - perhaps you should wonder why...5. Background Checks - This is accessible to you - if you have ANY RED FLAGS - use the service above or one like it. You can be sorry for something you didn't do for a very long time - using common sense is something you'll never regret.
Contact: Contact between partners diminishes. Phone calls lessen in frequency or length, e-mails drop off, and time spent together becomes less and less.
Mood Changes/Irritability: One or both partners are edgy and are often in a bad or depressed mood. Little things about their partner may irritate them and they seem more touchy, sensitive, argumentive, and hypervigilent.
Secretive: One or both partners are suddenly secretive about where they are going, or who they've been with. They whisper when speaking on the phone, or tell the party calling that they'll call them back.
The Here & Now: One or both partners suddenly stop talking about the future. Making plans for upcoming events suddenly stops.
Separation: One or both partners seem to be spending more time with friends or visiting their family. One or both partners somehow end up in separate rooms during the evening, and spend more time than usual falling asleep on the couch. One or both partners plan separate weekend activities.
Communication: One or both partners avoid in depth conversations, preferring to answer questions or inquiries with a quick yes or no. One or both partners get overly absorbed in a television show or book. The table is quiet during meals, and the mornings spent with one or both partners noses stuck in the newspaper.
Criticism: One or both partners suddenly seem overly critical of the other, concentrating on the other's flaws or faults, or perceiving faults where there really aren't any. One or both partners exhibit delusions, seeing things that are wrong with their partner or relationship, when in reality these really don't exist.
Intuition: You just have an unexplainable feeling that there is something wrong with your partner, or the relationship. You sense or have a gut-feeling that something is amiss.
Distance: One or both partners seem to be distant, distracted, or miles away in their thoughts. One or both partners are daydreaming more than usual.
Falling in Love
We fall in love with someone not because of who they are but because of how they make us feel about ourselves. If someone is attracted to us we suddenly feel very attractive and grow in our self-esteem. The more someone is attracted to us the better we feel, and the better we feel the more we are attracted back to them for making us feel so good. In turn, they feel the same feelings and emotions as us because we are making them feel good about themselves too! What a great cycle of love - we actually fall in love with each other for making us feel so great about ourselves. They show admiration and appreciation for our accomplishments, goals, and lifestyles, therefore we gain a renewed self-confidence and pride. We must be great! They are patient and accepting of our shortcomings, faults, and flaws (they even think our shortcomings are cute) and therefore we must have over-exaggerated our faults and we now find a perfect contentment and acceptance of ourselves. We suddenly feel we truly are lovable, attractive, cute, smart, needed, wanted, special, talented, and just totally awesome!
Being in Love
Giving to each other makes us happy. They have made us feel so happy and we want to make them happy in return. We want to assure their happiness to guarantee them in our lives and hearts forever. We delight in showing our love, our acceptance, and our appreciation for the other. Their happiness is of the utmost importance to us. We demonstrate appreciation of their impact in our lives by giving them little gifts. We relish in making them as happy as they have made us feel by doing little things for them and caring about them. We meet each other's basic emotional needs. It is in this stage that we start to notice those little things about our mates that make them so adorable! Their crooked smile, the way they walk, the smell of their skin, the touch of their hand. Being in love is different from falling in love. We now feel love toward our mates because we appreciate them more for who they are as opposed to how they made us feel about ourselves. We actually become addicted, in a sense, to the routine of them and the familiarity of a certain lifestyle that we share as a couple. We are hooked.
We have reached the stage where we are in loving relationship. We feel safe, protected, secure, and content. We wear our vulnerabilities on our sleeves with no fear of them being taken advantage of. Our emotions are free-flowing, open, and trusting. Yet, sometimes when we open ourselves up to trusting emotions we can get confused in our beliefs that this trust is somehow being violated by our significant other. Especially if we somehow feel our emotional needs are not being met or our loving ways are not being appreciated. We subconsciously seek and expect certain proofs, respects, and validations of our feelings.
Questioning the Others Love Intent
It is at this stage when we are more likely to feel anger, hurt, and betrayal if we feel our needs are not being fulfilled. Hurt emotions overwhelm logic and judgment. We get defensive and egotistical. We are selfish. We start to put ourselves first and often feel indignant. We start to withdraw from doing those little things for our significant other. After all if our needs aren't met then we shouldn?t meet theirs. Even though we may have withdrawn from giving we start to expect even more in return. We demand certain signs from them as a show of their love and how much they are sorry that they have unintentionally hurt us. Our mates, in turn, realize that we have withdrawn our love and proceed to protect themselves too by doing just the opposite of what we want from them. They withdraw their loving ways too. Now, neither of us are getting our emotional needs met. The relationship has now become a showdown between two selfish people who's only attempt is to protect their own selves at all costs.
Hiding From Love
We withdraw from one another, forming an impenetrable wall of protection from the pain. The pain and hurt we feel is from the feeling of having given our love so freely, and not having had it validated, nor appreciated. In this stage, in order to protect ourselves from hurt and pain, we become very good at convincing ourselves that we don't need, want, love, or even like the other person. We separate from them, if not in our physical environment, in our mental and emotional environment. We dwell on all the bad things about the other. We may even invent flaws in our mates just to convince ourselves that we don't hurt. If this stage is left untreated we eventually fall prey to the final stage...
Falling Out of Love
Our hearts are heavy and empty. We feel betrayed, hurt, and resentful. We don?t understand how they could allow such ruin. We do not feel good about ourselves. We have fallen out of love.
A person's formal religious background can -- but doesn't have to -- shape his expectations, morality, and spirituality. You can grow up hearing about fire and brimstone, and still reject the idea of a punishing God. You can grow up without attending a single religious service, and find spirituality later in life. What's important in a relationship, though, is mutual respect.
I think the more you share, the more you have in common, the better your chances.
Of course, religion is only one thing that people have -- or don't have -- in common. I'd also say it's better if you both root for the Dodgers, read The New York Times, grew up in Trenton, N.J., and prefer Macs to IBMs. Faith can also sustain a relationship -- but I'd bet on two atheists, with their similar viewpoints, sticking together before I'd bet on a mismatched pair (insert your two favorite religions here).There are enough differences between men and women built into the system that you don't need to provide any more. Take it from me: you've already got enough challenges to overcome.
We could debate the benefits of dating someone with a similar resume/background to yours versus dating someone with complementary interests and skills. We could talk about couples who are similar to each other and couples who are different. But the issue here is religion. Even if it's easier to be with a partner who eats the same flavor of ice cream as you do, you probably would not call off a wedding over ice cream. Religious differences, on the other hand, can ruin a relationship -- even though a lot of people I know eat ice cream more regularly than they pray.
When a person is not attending regular religious services, and yet religion still impacts his or her choice of mate, I wonder why. What is different about religion?
Religion is more intrusive than ice cream. For example, you happen to like mint chocolate chip ice cream, and I don't. When we go out for ice cream together, you order mint chip, I order swiss chocolate. If we had a kid, he could order whatever he wanted.
If I don't attend religious services, and you do -- we have a different problem. Do you go alone? Can you still be involved in your religion to the extent you'd like? Do you believe my choices will have an impact on our ability to be together in an afterlife? Am I imparting the right lessons to our children? Do your family -- or your friends -- think less of us? Does this reflect on you? Are you meeting your responsibility to your god if you don't share your beliefs with your family?
Two people who care little about religion can -- and often are -- together regardless of their religious beliefs. But when someone tells you that "She's great, but she's not Catholic" it means either that (1) Catholicism is important to him, or (2) Something else (Judaism, Protestantism, whatever) is important to her.
I think what we've figured out is that when religion takes on a greater importance for someone in choosing a mate than in his or her daily life, it's probably got to do with the strength of their own family ties. I can't stop thinking there's an irony here, though. On one hand, when you date a fellow Christian, Hindu, Jew, or whatever, your partner's got an instant connection with your family. On the other hand, if your family is strong, accepting, and resilient -- which is probably what they're like if you care enough about them to factor them into your choice of mate -- then they're going to accept anyone you choose who keeps you happy and treats you well.
I may not be the first to tell you this, but chicks like sex too. And when you've been getting it regularly and then suddenly NOT it's rather a harsh reality. Even if the sex was less than sensational, you had the guy somewhat trained. He could push the buttons, or at least you could rub up against him and push them yourself. Either way, you got to squeal, he got to grunt and then there was that tender cuddle time where the breathing gradually slows and the limbs untangle.
To have that suddenly wrenched away at the end of a relationship may be the last thing you're thinking about during the dramatic ending -- the tears, the hurled glassware, the elaborate insults, whatever -- but I can assure you, it creeps to the top of your mind as you put yourself to bed alone night after night.
There should be a taper-off period or something -- at least if the break-up didn't include a big, fat cheater on one side or the other. Why not just plan an hour or two a week? Make appointments, pull out your PalmPilots. There doesn't need to be any friggin' EMOTION. There doesn't need to be snuggling. This is sex. This is a base need.
It may be the most frustrating thing about being a chick -- or it's the most frustrating thing about being human, depends on who you ask -- is that there is some invisible emotional sidecar that cruises alongside when the copulation roller coaster gets underway. Sex might not equal love but it sure as hell equals something and its hard to enjoy a roll-around without an emotional hangover.
It can't be a physical condition, after all, a girl doesn't get emotionally attached to her vibrator. But when I think about the option of heading out to a bar, chatting up some clean-looking feller and taking him home to my bed, I'm afraid that same sidecar would send my emotions careening off-balance. Either I'd start crying and boot the guy or I'd convince myself he's the fated reason my ex and I parted ways and start picking out names for our children.
There are plenty of good things about a break-up. It's the quickest way to lose five pounds that I know of. It's a great way to bond with single girlfriends. It gives chicks a rationalization to spend lavishly on new accessories. It's an excuse to go out more often and to give up all notions of housekeeping.
But kicking the sex habit -- it will give you the DT shakes. I'm being forced to go cold-turkey . . . can't someone invent me a patch?
So on the night of the second date, we ate dinner, started the movie, dimmed the lights and snuggled up on the couch. At that moment, my adorably sweet puppy jumped up onto the couch with us, climbed clear up to the back of the couch, lifted his leg and showered the side of my date's face. He cleaned himself up, our date was over, and that elusive third date never occurred.
Don't feel sorry for me though. This could have been avoided, and I knew it.
I have had pets all my life. Somehow the kitten I got when I rented my first apartment has turned into two cats and a dog in a very small one-bedroom place. Since I've spent the last several years trying to juggle dating with pets, I've learned some guidelines that can make life easier.
One might think the easiest way to successfully date with pets is to date someone with pets. Wrong, wrong, wrong! I've never found anyone whose pets are as cute and smart as mine, so jealousy often ensues. Plus, when there are cats involved it's invariably bloody and ugly. The pets will have different eating habits (I have a scrap free household) and rules about going outside (my cats never do). And besides who is going to rent to a couple with two dogs and three cats? So get out there and find yourself a hottie with no pets and keep these things in mind.
Accept from the very beginning that you are the only person in the entire world who thinks your pets are as a cute as you do. Others see your pets as living breathing mess makers. My boyfriend often refers to my ten pound dog as Poochzilla, because when I am at his place for the weekend the destruction my dog inflicts on his apartment rivals that of Tokyo in 1954. Since others won't think your pet is as cute as you do, you have to restrict how much you talk about your pets, especially if you have more than two.
More than two pets, you see, automatically makes you a Weird Cat Lady (even if you are a guy with three dogs) and mention of them must be kept to a minimum during the early stages of your new relationship. And at all costs NEVER refer to yourself as your pet's mommy or daddy. The person you are dating does not want to hear this because A) it makes you sound insane and B) it conjures up visions of children and diapers. Both are bad things early in a relationship.
Consider your pets a little secret that is slightly embarrassing. Like those weekly magazines you actually buy when you are in line at the grocery store or that kitchen cupboard full of twinkies, cupcakes, and macaroni and cheese. You want to be sure your new love interest intends to keep you around for a while before you disclose your eccentricities. The same attitude holds true for your furry ones. After things are going well, your new significant other can find out how many pets you have. If things are going really well, a meeting might take place. If I had waited a while before I brought the guy over to my place, maybe the showering incident would not have had such dire consequences. And more than one new boyfriend has been driven away by a cat who thought his leg would be an ideal scratching post.
I've learned that mixing pets and dates takes work. It takes me longer to get ready for a date than most women because I have to do my hair and the hair of two cats and a dog. Besides its being time consuming to take three animals to the groomer--it's expensive. (And if you're thinking I should groom them myself, I cordially invite you over to bathe an 18-pound cat, and comb out a wriggly puppy with long frizzy hair.)
In addition, I have to prepare my house before every date because consideration goes a long way towards wiping out the black mark pets give you in the dating world. I always have an assortment of allergy pills by the door, and I keep some Visine handy too. Any potentially smelly or gross toys have been hidden away. The litter box must be immaculate. (And careful of litter tracking: Nothing dampens the mood quite as much as kitty litter in the bed.) I've got one of those sticky lint brush things near the door to give my date and myself a once over before we go out.
Accept that once you start dating someone seriously, your lifestyle may have to change a little bit. My pets hate being banished from the bedroom, but it is a reasonable sacrifice. Don't forget, the person you are seeing is making compromises too. My boyfriend thinks pets should sleep in the garage, I think they should sleep on the bed. So we got the pets their own little beds and put them on the floor. And it is working. My boyfriend now understands that I already made a lifetime commitment to care for these animals, and have not made the same one to him. So even though it causes stress, we've found out that the pets aren't a deal breaker.
Now all of that having been said, the sans-pet single person could usually stand to be a little more tolerant. I am sure you know better than to criticize the person you are seeing for reading weekly gossip mags or eating the occasional twinkie, right? Apply this rule to your date's pets as well. Criticizing the way your date's pets behave is impolite. The dog isn't yours, so commenting that it doesn't listen to you and needs to go away to doggie boot camp is not going to win you any points.
And pretending to be allergic to my cat so I'll get rid of it, will just make me get rid of you.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Intuition is available to everyone and it can help to determine character and integrity in a potential date. A few simple steps can help you access it.
1. Notice Your Beliefs
To begin with, watch your own positive and negative attitudes. Do you surround yourself with friends who believe in the power of the heart? Are you jaded about love?
As you begin to watch those around you, you must first examine your own beliefs and how they affect whom you attract. You must then begin to seek out only friends and lovers who are life-enhancing -- which will make it all the more obvious when you encounter those who will mistreat you.
2. Use Your Body
Your body is a complex and sensitive sensor. To intuit integrity in others, you must be in your body completely. Most people live from their neck up ignoring the rest of their body (unless you're Bill Clinton . . .) But being aware of your body's signals will increase intuition and help you sense the early warning signals about dates and people.
Here are some physical signs to look for when evaluating the integrity of your dates. What does your gut say? Do you feel relaxed around them? Does your energy increase? Do you breathe more easily? Do you have a feeling of comfort, even inspiration, or love?
Or does your gut sense "danger," indicating that something just isn't right? Are you tense? Do your stomach and shoulders tighten? Do you feel uncomfortable, edgy, even want to physically move away? It may be that someone is saying all the "right things," yet your body is still registering dis-ease.
Being aware of your body's signals will increase intuition and help you sense the early warning signals about dates and people.
Always factor your body's response into the overall assessment of an individual. Imagine this: a man or women walks in the room and you can't take you eyes off them. Your body gets tingly when you shake hands or even brush against them. And you know it not the electricity in the rug. So what does it mean? Your sixth sense is alerted to a calling of you heart or soul.
On the other hand if your stomach turns and you get the creeps, or if your skin claws when they touch you . . . LISTEN to the message. If you tune into the feelings your body sends, the red flag is always there. We need to pay more attention to these signs.